07-28-2010, 03:51 PM
(This post was last modified: 07-28-2010, 03:55 PM by MagusKnight.)
The lay there for a short while, tracing the deep
-
Era closed the grate
-
As Dua cleaned his living room, he found a folded piece of paper that read:
Call me,
505-459-6296
-Era
Dua looked down at the small heart drawn next to her name and smiled.
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name he had been called, peaking his interest
====
1) obvious
2) obvious
3) I felt you should make it more plain that it's a day or two later, when he can see...
4) piquing
Finally, I'd give this an 8/10.
I only say 8 because I don't expect professional quality, and you missed a lot of commas where there needed to be commas.
P.S. Sorry for the many errors in this post...it's 1:55 and I'm half dead...or is it half alive? Eh.
-
Era closed the grate
-
As Dua cleaned his living room, he found a folded piece of paper that read:
Call me,
505-459-6296
-Era
Dua looked down at the small heart drawn next to her name and smiled.
-
name he had been called, peaking his interest
====
1) obvious
2) obvious
3) I felt you should make it more plain that it's a day or two later, when he can see...
4) piquing
Finally, I'd give this an 8/10.
I only say 8 because I don't expect professional quality, and you missed a lot of commas where there needed to be commas.
P.S. Sorry for the many errors in this post...it's 1:55 and I'm half dead...or is it half alive? Eh.