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Review: Dark and Beautiful
#1
Hey there,

I just finished this today and posted it in the original fiction section, but that usually means that it will get about fifty to a hundred views then something else will be posted. So I hope I'm not doing the wrong thing by posting this twice, but I was wondering if anybody would be willing to write a review.

Please?

Here is the story.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Part 1 – A Painful Meeting


“Come on!” Era said, as she reached for the male climbing out of her bed.

“No! I’m sick of your attitude towards me,” Chris shot back; “We’re over!”

Up until a minute ago, the two had been engaged in passionate sex. The sleek, black dragoness slid out of the bed and stood. Her nude form towered over her former lover by almost a foot, even though he stood at six feet and one inch.

“I didn’t mean it,” Era said, looking down at him, attempting an apologetic look.

“You always say that,” the human yelled back as he stormed from the room, “And you always lie. Every time we have sex, all you do is tell me how weak I am and then ridicule how I cum before you do! And I’m sick of it! So, good riddance.”

Era followed Chris through the house attempting to heal the rift between them, but met no success. The homo sapien stormed out her front door and into his car, started the ignition and drove into the inky blackness of night. Era slowly walked back into the house and dropped herself onto the couch. The lay there for a short while, tracing the deep, purple color on her belly with her finger. She stretched, both her arms and her wings reaching as far out as they could before both sets of appendages dropped lazily. Now, literally spread out over her entire living room, she turned on the TV and fell asleep. Alone.

The next day, she awoke and decided to skip breakfast. She showered and brushed her teeth, the whole while staring at the phone, hoping it would ring. She opened her closet and stepped inside. She breathed out heavily as she thought about what to wear. She finally decided on a pair of jeans and a white T-shirt. She put on some underwear and a bra, and then slid into the jeans, carefully maneuvering her tail through the wide hole in the back. The denim pants now hugging her lean, muscular form, she slipped her arms through the sleeves of the shirt then began to lace up the back. Designed specifically for dragons and other members of the New Race with wings, her shirts were very much the same to other shirts. The only difference was that they tied together in the back, allowing her wings to remain un constricted. She exited the closet and began to collect her personal effects. She filled her bag with her phone, her nametag and a note pad, in case she needed to remember something then left. She took one last fleeting look at the phone before closing the door and going to work.

She pulled up to the mall, and stepped out of her car. She walked through the long building until she reached her destination: VitaShop. She walked into her workplace, careful that her wings did not knock any thing off the shelves. Once she reached the register, she was joined by her fellow employee, Rita. The New Race polar bear lifted her small frame up onto the counter and sat down.

“Morning, Era,” she said, cheerfully, “How are you?”

“Terrible,” The dragoness replied, looking down at the register, “Chris broke up with me last night,”

“Oh my god, that’s awful,” the other female replied, dropping from the counter, “Are you alright?”

“No,” Era replied, sighing, “He broke up with me in the middle of having sex.”

“I’m so sorry,” Rita replied, “Do you want to talk about it?”

Era thought for a second before shaking her head. The polar bear apologized again and went into the back of the store. The dragoness crossed her smooth, black arms and allowed a tear to slip from her left eye. After a second she wiped it away, and prepared to open the store.

***

Across the aisle from the VitaShop, a problem of the opposite nature was occurring. Duamutef stared down at the glass display case which he stood behind. A small drop of barbeque sauce had fallen onto the glass, presenting the New Race Jackal with his dilemma. He removed his reading glasses, and ran a hand through his black fur. After looking around and craning his neck several times to make sure nobody was in sight, he slowly bent over and stuck out his tongue, intent on retrieving the sauce. At the last second, he smiled, anticipating the savory flavor. He instead received a tongue full of disinfectant. His boss had taken a moist towelette to the spot milliseconds before his tongue could get there. The next sensation to strike him was equally unpleasant as a rolled up magazine struck his nose. His boss, a New Race raccoon named Terra, was the assailant.

“No,” she said, “Bad jackal.”

“Hey!” Duamutef said as he rubbed his nose, “That hurt.”

“No licking the display case,” Terra said, throwing away the towelette, “Now get those cards sorted so we can open up.”

Duamutef worked at Noble, a small “collectibles shop”, but he referred to it as a nerd store. They sold trading cards comics and video games. So most of their customers weren’t exactly socially savvy. He selected the rarest of the cards he was assigned and put them in plastic cases, then labeled them as ten dollars each. Once they were safely locked up in the case, he opened the metal cage that kept the store shut and prepared for the day.

***

At the end of the day, Era closed the grate in front of the store and began the walk to her car. Once she had cleared the mall doors it was only about a two hundred foot walk to her vehicle. As she cleared the first fifty feet several drunken men stumbled out of an Applebees attached to the mall. They began to jeer and cat call in her direction shouting descriptions of rather obscene actions. She decided to take the higher path and continue walking. The yelling continued, not phasing her. But soon enough she felt a small touch on her tail. This crossed the line. She reached into her bag and pulled a small can of pepper spray. She spun around.

“Excuse me-aagh!” said the voice behind her. She watched as the character stumbled back wards colliding with the dumpster she had parked by. Then, they fell and the dark form began rolling around in the trash groaning and crying. She then looked up and realized that it was not one of the men who were jeering. She decided it didn’t matter; they touched her when she didn’t want to be touched. She climbed into her car and drove away.

***

Tears flowed freely from Duamutef’s eyes as he stumbled back to his house. That was the last time he walked up to a stranger to return something. He stared down at the three hundred dollar phone in his hand and thought back to its owner. He had only seen her for a second before the rather painful deterrent had been administered to his face. He decided that she would eventually learn of her missing phone and come looking for it. After all, a piece of tech this nice didn’t come without a locator app. He made his way to his front door and stepped inside. It was already nine so he decided that it was time for bed. The canine made his way to the bathroom, dumping all of his possessions along the way. He stepped into the shower and turned on the cold water. He smiled and allowed his tongue to hang out as the stinging spray was washed away, leaving him only with the cool sensation of water. He stepped out and grabbed a towel. Once dry, Duamutef threw himself over his couch, stretching his digitigrade feet over the arm and flicking on the television. He stared at the screen, not comprehending what was going on as his vision was still a bit blurry. He considered himself lucky that she had bought the cheap variety of mace, because the expensive kind hurt much more. He then lifted the phone and called his boss.

“Hello?” Terra’s voice came over the line,

“Terra, this is Dua,” Dua said, “I’m calling in sick for tomorrow,”

“How do you know you’re going to be sick?” the raccoon asked.

“I just got maced,” He responded, yawning slightly, “I can’t see clearly. I’ll be in the day after tomorrow.”

“Fine,”

The connection ended and Dua tossed the phone away, continuing to stare at the screen as he watched blurry versions of the “That 70’s Show” characters gallivant across the glass. He soon fell asleep, falling into dreams that were mysteriously populated by the girl who tried to blind him.

***

Era approached her front door, spying the cardboard box on her welcome mat. On it was a note that read:

You left this shit at my place

Inside, she found several sweaters and a couple DVD’s. She easily lifted the box from the ground and unlocked the door. She stepped inside and locked the door behind her. She set the box down and tapped the thermostat. It was stuck on 93 degrees. She attempted to push the buttons, receiving no feed back. Her air conditioning always decided not to work on the hottest days of the year. She walked back to her room and removed her clothes to avoid the heat. Nude, she walked into the kitchen and poured herself a glass of water, making sure a few ice cubes fell in as well. She turned on the fan in her living room and sat down on the couch. Bringing her legs up, she gently stretched herself out, then reached into her bag for her phone. It was gone. She rifled through the bag and finally gave up. She would just have to find it tomorrow; she had the day off and no boyfriend so she had no plans either way. She stared out the window at the night sky as she sipped the glass of water. She then grabbed a thin sheet and pulled it up to her waist. Comfortable, she finished her water and fell asleep.

She awoke the next morning and dressed once more. She then grabbed the phone and called her provider. They gave her exact directions to the house where her phone was. She stared down at the paper and decided that it was a short enough distance to walk. The dragoness walked for about a mile, but it seemed longer due to the extreme heat. Extremely uncomfortable, she approached the address she had been given. She walked up to the front door, praying that whoever had her phone wasn’t a creep. She pushed the button to the right of the door. Chimes were heard within the house, followed by footsteps. She could tell that whoever was answering was either a canine or a feline New Race, because there was only one thump for each step, as opposed to two, one caused by the heel and the other by the toe. Suddenly, a voice came from inside.

“Hang on,” it said, “My eyesight isn’t as could as it could be and this peephole isn’t helping at all.”

Era recognized the voice inside as the person she had maced the previous night. She thought about leaving, afraid the person would be mad, but the option was never presented to her. The door swung open to reveal a New Race Jackal looking out at her.

“Oh,” he said, “It’s you.”

She looked away awkwardly. When her eyes turned back she found herself investigating his body structure. He was thin, all of his muscle lean, almost no fat on his body. He wasn’t very muscular, as her taste was, but he wasn’t out of shape. She soon looked up at his eyes. He had bleached the fur around them with an Egyptian wadjet eye. Era found herself unable to look away from the pattern.

“How can I help you?” he asked, feeling a bit awkward from her observing eye.

“Oh,” Era said, calling herself back to reality, “I just wanted to get my phone back.”

“Ah, yes,” the jackal said, “The phone that nearly blinded me. Come in.”

He stepped out of the way and led the dragoness inside. She stood around seven feet tall and had to slightly duck to fit through his door. Once inside, the house was revealed to have rather high ceilings, so she could stand rather comfortably. The air was also cool and humid in his house, giving a soothing contrast to the scorching desert outside. She stood in the living room, casually watching the screen of the television. The canine took about fifteen minutes to remember where he had placed the cell phone. He finally bent over the back of his couch and began to dig.

“So how are your eyes?” Era tried to ask casually,

“Oh, they’ll be fine in a day or two,” the canine responded.

Era felt a pang of guilt as she watched the jackal dig threw his possessions. Try as she might, she couldn’t look away from his ass. She stared as he dug, until his tail gave a celebratory wag.

“Found it!” he declared, emerging from behind the couch. He walked over to Era and returned her phone. She accepted it but found herself unable to move from the living room.

“Do you need any… uh… company?” she asked, entranced by the show he was watching. The canine’s ears perked up a bit and his tail began to move.

“Sure!” he said, gesturing her towards the couch, “Please have a seat!”

Era spent the rest of the day at the Jackal’s house, talking and watching TV. His name was Duamutef. By the end of the day, she had befriended him and felt slightly drawn to his cheerful, happy-go-lucky personality. When the sun began to set, she excused herself to return to her own house, but not before scribbling something on a piece of paper. She departed, smiling as she reflected on her day.

As Dua cleaned his living room, he found a folded piece of paper that read:

Call me,
505-459-6296
-Era
Dua looked down at the small heart drawn next to her name and smiled.


Part 2 – Date with a Dragoness


Duamutef sat on his couch, staring down at his cheap, twenty dollar cell phone. He then took a deep breath in and reached forward for it and the piece of paper with the girl he had met the other day’s number. He lifted the piece of tech from the table and punched in the number, but allowed the dull claw on his thumb to hover over the “send” button. He stared down at the screen for a good minute before pushing the end button, erasing the number. He then stood from the couch and paced a few laps through his house, before returning to the cushioned piece of furniture.

The jackal had been repeating this process for the past three hours, awaiting the courage to ask the dragoness, Era, out to the movies. He then broke the cycle to dedicate himself to this action. He sat down at his laptop, smiling slightly at the nude vixen he had set as his background. He clicked open the internet and allowed his fingers to take him to Fandango. He purchased two tickets for the movie and printed them out. He then loaded the website of his bank and transferred several hundred dollars to his checking account.

“Alright,” he said, sitting back in the chair, “I’m going out tonight, Era or not.”

Dua then returned to his routine of futility for another hour, until the gods decided that enough was enough. When Dua finished dialing the number, he was struck by a sudden sneeze, causing the depression of the green button. When he recovered from the spasm, he heard a tiny ringing noise, followed by Era’s voice repeatedly saying “hello”. Dua panicked and placed the phone to his ear.

“Hello?!” he said, shouting slightly in distress, “Era?”

“This is she,” Era’s voice said through the line, “May I ask whom is speaking?”

“Era, this is Duamutef,”

“Dua!” Era said, a slight squeal in her voice, “How are you?”

“I’m fine,” he replied, “Yourself?”

“I’m good, but it’s so hot that I’m just sitting around naked,” she said, eliciting a small cough and an invisible from Dua, “How are your eyes?”

“They’re better, I can see now,” Dua replied, attempting to no avail to push the image of the naked dragoness out of his mind, “Hey, Era?”

“Yes?”

“I was wondering if you wanted to go to dinner and a movie this evening,” he said, not breathing throughout the statement.

“Of course I’ll go on a date with you!” Era said, into the other line, “When are you picking me up?”

“Nine-ish?” Dua asked. When Era approved, she gave him his address and said good-bye. When the line was silent, Dua leapt into the air in celebration. When he landed, he glanced over at the clock to see that it was already eight o’clock. He stood up and dashed into the bathroom and began to clean his image.

***

Era hung up on Dua, dropping her phone onto her bare stomach as she did. She closed her eyes and rested her eyes for a moment. She thought about what she had just said. Her pattern of dating had been rather consistent until now, with the trend being tall, muscular males. Now here she was, about to go to a movie with this guy. Though fit, he wasn’t in possession of the body builder physique that she was usually attracted to. She sighed as she dozed off, not realizing the time.

She awoke an hour later to the sound of her doorbell. Half asleep, she stood and stumbled to the door. Not realizing her nudity, she opened the door to a rather surprised Duamutef. The jackal’s eyes grew to the size of plates as he scanned her up and down. He then averted his gaze upward.

“Uh, Era?” he said, “Are you forgetting something?”

The dragoness soon realized what she had done. She attempted to cover herself, before shutting the door in his face. She dashed inside and found several articles of clothing and threw them on as fast as possible. Fully dressed, she opened the door once again.

“I’m so sorry,” she said, blushing slightly as she looked down at her date, “I didn’t realize I was-”

“No problem at all,” Dua replied, a stupid grin caught on his face, “You looked great.”

She blushed again at the complement then allowed herself to be escorted to the car. The jackal drove a ’77 corvette convertible with the top removed. She sat in the low seat and they drove away.

Dua treated her to everything that evening. He paid for the movie and then her meal, all five courses, and every drink she wanted. He, on the other hand, drank nothing but soda and had a simple burger with fries for his meal.

At the end of the evening, Era was buzzed and stuffed. Duamutef escorted her back to the car where she leaned against the heavy metal frame. She stared at Dua, who was staring up at her with a kind expression on his face. She smiled down at him as he tilted his head to the side like a dog. They shared the glance for about a minute before the unexpected happened.

A small rock struck Dua in the face, just under the eye. He gave a puppy-like whimper as he fell to the ground, holding his face. Era turned to see that the thrower was none other than the man she had broken up with a few nights ago, Chris.

“What the fuck is this?” he yelled as he approached the car, “I break up with you and you start going out with this skinny piece of shit!”

He arrived at the scene, and approached Era.

“I knew you were nothing but a whore,” he said pointing a finger in Era’s face, “How long is this guy going to last you? I only lasted you three weeks and look at me! He’s half my size!”

The raging human then turned his attention towards Adam. He delivered a vicious kick to the already bleeding canine’s ribs.

“Listen up you skinny fuck!” he yelled leaning over the jackal, “You won’t last ten minutes with your slut girlfriend here!”

Dua then made a small inaudible grunting noise, attempting to talk.

“What’s that puppy?” the human yelled. Duamutef then stood up very quickly removing a police baton from his pocket at the same time. The hard metal rod extended to its full length before striking Chris in the chin. Stunned, the human fell back only to receive a punch directly to the face from a rather furry hand. The homo sapien fell directly down, striking his head on the car and falling into unconscious.

“I said: shut up,” Dua said, clutching his ribs, “Shut up, about Era.”

The canine tapped the baton shut on the ground before escorting Era into the car. He collapsed into the driver’s seat and turned the ignition. He drove away from the scene, the car completely silent as he drove Era home. He got out and escorted the black dragoness to the door.

“I’m sorry,” he said as Era fumbled for her keys, “That our evening had to come to a sour end.”

She didn’t reply, but kept checking her pockets for her keys. Dua then removed them from his own pocket and handed them to her.

“How’d you get those?” Era asked, sliding the proper key into the lock.

“About half an hour ago, you said ‘Dua, my pants are too tight and my keys are stabbing me, Will you hold them for me?’ and I did,” he said with a smile. She pushed the door open, then turned back to the jackal.

“Well, thanks for dinner, Dua,” she said, leaning down to him. She planted a small kiss on his left cheek, eliciting a wince from her date that she didn’t understand. She then touched her lips to find a small amount of blood on them.

The place she had kissed had been the exact same spot that Chris’s rock had made contact with the canine’s face. She then looked down further to see that Dua was cradling his ribs with his left arm. Yet, the jackal had a smile on his face.

“I had a great evening,” he said, turning away slightly, “Can I call you tomorrow?”

Era nodded, causing Dua’s smile to grow. He turned to walk away when she reached out and grabbed his shoulder.

“Let me take a look at your face and ribs,” she said, pulling him back towards the door, “It’s the least I can do.”

She pulled him back into her house and sat him down on the couch. She stepped into the kitchen and retrieved a first aid kit from the cabinet, then went back to sit next to Duamutef.

“Take this first,” she said, handing him two pills of ibuprofen, “It’ll kick in while I clean up your face, then I can wrap up your ribs.”

He obediently swallowed the pills then watched as she took a cotton ball and peroxide to his face. The fumes from the chemical made his eyes water, and the stinging effect didn’t help one bit. She finished with the cut, unable to place a band aid on it because of his fur, and moved down to his chest.

“Shirt off,” she said, taking out a length of bandage and an ice pack.

“Were those pills non-drowsy?” he asked with a yawn as he removed his shirt. Era lifted the bottle from the table to read the label, but she couldn’t read it when buzzed. She held the bottle in front of his face, to display the words: Warning: this product may cause drowsiness.

“I may fall asleep,” he said with another yawn, “I get really tired when I take non-non-drowsy pills.”

“I will finish quickly then,” she said, wrapping the ice pack in bandage, “Arms up.”

Dua lifted his arms, allowing her to wrap his torso in soft bandage. When she finished, Era sat back and admired her handiwork. She then noticed a steady rise and fall of Dua’s chest and looked up at his face. His eyes were closed and he was sound asleep. She sighed and shook her head.

“You weren’t lying, Dua,” she said, standing up, “You knock out easily.”

She placed his arms back at his sides and let him sleep. Wiping the sweat from her forehead, the dragoness moved to the thermostat to adjust the temperature. Pushing the button for “decrease temperature” only to receive no response. She tapped the screen several times, only to have the unit shut off.

“Crap,” she said, a bead of sweat rolling down her forehead, she stepped into the bathroom and turned on the water, making sure it was as cold as possible. After a quick shower, she ran a towel over her body and returned to the living room. Dua was still fast asleep on the couch, his head tilted to the side. She walked over and sat next to him, sitting on her knees and wrapping her tail around herself. She sat back stretching her wings across the room, careful not to hit Dua as he slept. His nose gently twitched around as he dreamed.

Era chuckled slightly at the sight of her sleeping date and clicked on the television. After thirty minutes, she began to sweat once again. She leaned over to Dua, wiping sweat from her forehead as she did. She extended a dark limb and shook her hand in front of his face, receiving no response. Cautiously, she undid the small clasping knot in her towel, draping it over the back of the couch. Nude, she sighed in relief from the heat, her sweat cooling her naked body. Just as she sighed, she noticed a stir in Duamutef’s eyelids. Her hand shot back for her towel, knocking it off behind the couch as opposed to grabbing it. A thought then ran through her mind: he had already seen her naked, what would be wrong with him seeing her body again. And she did love him, even after the limited time they had spent together; she wanted his affection and his body. So she relaxed and extended an arm over his shoulder, waiting for him to wake up.

Dua gently awoke to a surprisingly warm house. He closed his eyes and stretched, his arm making contact with Era’s and his fingertips brushing against the surface of her wings.

“Did I fall asleep?” he asked, popping his knuckles.

“Yes, love,” Era’s reply beat against his ear drum. His large ear twitched to the side at the name he had been called, peaking his interest. He opened his eyes to see a nude Era sitting next to him on the couch. His eyes instantly locked onto her breasts.

“So, now I’m love?” he asked, his eyes not moving from her body. She turned, her chest bouncing as she did so. Only then did Dua realize he was staring. Though the targets of his vision were so large and perfectly shaped, he forced himself to look away from the black and purple titties his eyes were obsessing over. He averted his gaze away from Era completely, turning his head and shutting his eyes.

“I’m sorry,” he said, “I was staring.”

Era didn’t answer, instead she reached over and grabbed his chin, pulling his face around and locking her mouth to his in a passionate kiss. Her long tongue slipped between their lips and into the canine’s mouth, mixing her saliva with his. Dua’s tongue began to dance with Era’s in his mouth. She then pulled away, leaving Duamutef blushing beneath his fur.

“Stare all you want, Dua,” she said, a hand extending into his lap and stroking his inner thigh, “I would.”

Dua complemented her request by returning his gaze to her figure, this time, his eyes locking on her hips. She noticed the track of his eyesight and smiled. She stood, her perfect figure silhouetted in the TV screen, and positioned herself in front of the Jackal. She crouched and crawled towards him on her hands and knees, his legs spreading involuntarily. She quickly unzipped his pants and removed them along with his boxers, revealing his malehood, hidden in its protective sheath. She placed a single finger above his scrotum and applied gentle pressure, retrieving both an animal moan and the beginning of an erection from her lover. She took his cock into one hand neared it to her face.

“Hello there,” she said, smiling. She opened her mouth and allowed her long tongue to wrap itself around the already moist member. It wrapped around three complete times, instantly coating Dua’s shaft in saliva. She closed her mouth around it and began to move her head up and down, her lips and tongue massaging the phallus. Dua began to sigh but his hands found his own way of expressing their gratitude. His right hand made its way to the back of her head and began to apply gentle pressure towards his crotch. She complemented his bodies request by speeding up her method. She opened her mouth for air, yet continued to blow the jackal, causing wet slurping sounds to escape her mouth. As the noise of her actions met with Dua’s mind, he reached his breaking point. His cock twitched once, but Era was faster. She removed her mouth and placed two fingers at the base of his member, pinching slightly. This restriction cut off the flow of Dua’s ejaculation, leaving his dick twitching in an attempt to release fluid that wasn’t there.

“I’m not done yet,” she said in a sexy, seductive voice. When the member stopped spasming, she stood and gently ushered Dua to the floor, taking his spot on the couch, “Be a good puppy and lick,”

The jackal obeyed, applying his soft tongue to her slightly moist cunt. She gasped with pleasure as the canine brushed against her clitoris. His keen ears picked up on her ecstasy, and his instinct turned his tongue’s full attention on her clit. His right hand followed his head to her crotch to give attention to the rest of her. His middle finger slid slowly into her moist entryway and the claw on his thumb teased around her asshole. She moaned as another of his digits entered her pussy, slowly sliding in and out. Dua then decided that his thumb had been tormenting her enough and began to slowly insert it into her ass. She lifted her hips from the couch in ecstasy as the opposable digit penetrated her anal ring. She began to pant and moan loudly as her orgasm began, a small flow of juices splashing Dua’s mouth and chin. When she finished, Duamutef slowly stood, removing his fingers from his girlfriend.

“Dua?” Era moaned; that was the best oral and fingering she had ever received and she didn’t want the pleasure to end, “Fuck me?”

The jackal smiled and stood between her large, spread legs. His erection had not faded in the slightest, so he obliged her by laying his cock across her dripping cunny.

“Say please,” he said, with a chuckle. Era usually didn’t put up with this form of teasing, but she found herself unable to resist his voice.

“Please?” she said with a smile, pressing her breasts together as she did so. Dua smiled as he pulled his hips back, moving his tip down to the proper positioning. He then pushed forward, moving easily into Era’s vagina. Era gasped in pleasure. His cock wasn’t the biggest she had ever had, in fact it was one of the smallest at just over seven and a half inches, but it was shaped perfectly. With every thrust it brushed against spots that made her moan in delight, spots that any larger of a penis would have moved right by. Each pump brought waves of ecstasy to the dragoness, soon making her dizzy. Duamutef also began to feel lightheaded as her tight pussy accepted his member.

“Era,” he said, looking into her eyes, “I’m going to cum,”

She smiled and leaned forward to plant a kiss on his mouth. And with the kiss came Dua’s final thrust, harder then any that had come before it. Together, the dragoness and the jackal climaxed, each of their orgasms colliding and mixing, then dripping from Era’s cunt. The canine pulled out and lay himself down next to her. He looked into her large, dark eyes and saw nothing but joy. He smiled as he playfully licked at her nose, receiving a giggle from his sleek lover.

“I’m surprised at you, Dua,” she said, looking over at him, “You spent all that time staring at my boobs and did nothing about it.”
The canine smiled, and then slowly moved his hands onto his lover’s breasts. He began to gently massage them as they fit perfectly into his hands. The canines head then moved down to her chest and he began to cares her right nipple with his tongue, flicking lightly over it. Era’s lips parted with a sigh of pleasure, but the gap was sealed as Dua moved up and kissed her. And they fell asleep in each others arms, and when the television turned off automatically, they became invisible in the darkness.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sorry if it was a bit short, (only 14 pages in Microsoft Word), but if someone could review it, It would be awesome!

Please and Thank You!
[Image: Rainbow_Dash_haters_gonna_hate.gif]

See that guy, he's a drifter! But drifting leads to Bickering, Bickering leads to Karate, and Karate leads to flying around between windows and shit! Then a big guy starts shooting lightning everywhere and Kurt Russell Shows up and Kicks his Ass!
Reply
#2
The lay there for a short while, tracing the deep
-
Era closed the grate
-
As Dua cleaned his living room, he found a folded piece of paper that read:

Call me,
505-459-6296
-Era
Dua looked down at the small heart drawn next to her name and smiled.
-
name he had been called, peaking his interest
====
1) obvious
2) obvious
3) I felt you should make it more plain that it's a day or two later, when he can see...
4) piquing
Finally, I'd give this an 8/10.
I only say 8 because I don't expect professional quality, and you missed a lot of commas where there needed to be commas.

P.S. Sorry for the many errors in this post...it's 1:55 and I'm half dead...or is it half alive? Eh.
Reply
#3
THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!!

For the review!

Yeah, I'm going to fix the accidental "the" to the "she" it is supposed to be and then change "peaking" to "piquing", but what is so wrong with Era closing the grate?

Anyways, Thank you very much!
[Image: Rainbow_Dash_haters_gonna_hate.gif]

See that guy, he's a drifter! But drifting leads to Bickering, Bickering leads to Karate, and Karate leads to flying around between windows and shit! Then a big guy starts shooting lightning everywhere and Kurt Russell Shows up and Kicks his Ass!
Reply
#4
pro tip:
writing about yourself is cool

--
Seriously though, when you write your own stories, go to this site:
http://www.onlyfiction.net/marysue2.html
and see how your character measures up in originality.
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#5
Um... I can't tell if your "pro tip" is a shoot down or not...

And I went to the site and tried to fill it out. Got a 43. It didn't really work since my character's personality is actually based on my own. It's hard to Fill out a form really based for characters that are extraordinary as opposed to my characters, who are supposed to be average, everyday people.

I figured that most of the characters I see around are either things like fallen angels, ninja assassins, wizards, or super soldiers with fancy powers, having a story with normal people would be a refreshing, original break.

And that's what I'm sticking with.
[Image: Rainbow_Dash_haters_gonna_hate.gif]

See that guy, he's a drifter! But drifting leads to Bickering, Bickering leads to Karate, and Karate leads to flying around between windows and shit! Then a big guy starts shooting lightning everywhere and Kurt Russell Shows up and Kicks his Ass!
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#6
A 43? Are you serious?....Wow....
Anyways, I also noticed you somehow managed to beat up/scare off a couple of jocks...who should have kicked your ass, given your description. How did that work?
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#7
Oh... Technically it was just one that got beat up. And the character used a cheap shot with a metal stick. And he was six Zimas to the wind (drunk). So that is how he beat him up. The rest of them just didn't want to fight.
[Image: Rainbow_Dash_haters_gonna_hate.gif]

See that guy, he's a drifter! But drifting leads to Bickering, Bickering leads to Karate, and Karate leads to flying around between windows and shit! Then a big guy starts shooting lightning everywhere and Kurt Russell Shows up and Kicks his Ass!
Reply
#8
Hmm... :\ Jocks not wanting to fight?
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