what i have so far

[Jack_Pholph]

Ok, I decided to write a lemon about how i got my powers, and this is what i have so far.

Hello and welcome all to my newest lemon. And now an interruption from

the disclaimer! This material contains adult content not meant for readers under the

age of 18. All characters from this story are mine and whoever uses them in

something besides fan art must have my permission and give me credit. Now then,

on with the lemon.



I sat in my black leather desk chair listening to Fleetwood Mac and typing a storm

when I heard a knock on the door. I got up and opened the door only to be met in

the face with a rag of what I’m sure now is chloroform. When I woke up my head

was swimming and all I could think about was shooting the guy that drugged me.

“Good, you’re up.” I heard a voice exclaim from an old speaker. “Are you the one

who drugged me?” I asked the voice with a hint of annoyance. “Yes, yes I am.

Right now you’re in a special designed room, so don’t think about trying to escape

with your powers.” The ominous voice echoed. “What powers?” I asked getting

more pissed by the second. “So he doesn’t know. Good. Maybe we can use him for

our purposes.” The voice said in another room, “Are you sure he won’t go berserk

like the others did?” asked another voice in the room, “Yes, this one is designed

specially so he won’t go berserk.” Was the answer given before the voice pushed a

button on the control console causing knock-out gas to fill my room.I once again

awoke in a daze as I found myself in the middle a an empty field, wearing a black

armani suit “I dont mind the threads but why did you kidnap me?” I questioned

anyone who might hear me. I suddenly heard a voice from my ear, I checked, a bug

“I am called Nermes,

as for why you are here... well just ask the computer.” was all I Nermes said before

a green

screen appeared infront of me saying “hello_.”. I touched the screen out of

curiosity and it flashed a million of bright lights as information passed by infront

of my eyes “Amazing! I'm reading what I had for lunch, it had that much fat? Oh

well, since I have access, I should hack there systeeeaaaahhhh!!!” I screamed as

my suit shocked me and a different voice was in my head this time “Bad boy, looks

like knowledge isn't enough for you, guess I'll break you. Heh ha” She giggled

before I passed out from pain. Again. Fuck I hate when that happens.“Damn it,

why do people keep knocking me out!” I shouted not realizing the state I was in

until I tried to move my arms. I found that my arms and legs were strapped to a

huge king sized bed in spread eagle position, and I had a black leather collar with a

D-ring attached to it around my neck.

As you can tell, its in my "lemon format" so to speak and I want a bit of criticism to see how I'm doing.

[Guilmon and a shotgun]

Well, you're certainly lacking in detail for a start, something that really should be used more often. For example, heres my version of the first two sentences.

"It was a wet Friday evening; thunder growled like a rabid dog in the dark sky and rain splattered my window pane, as i worked feverently. I had Fleetwood Mac playing, although the occasional thundering of the weather outside drowned it out, as I sat in my comfortable leather recliner, typing away.

Suddenly, there came a knock at the door. BANG BANG BANG! Curiously, I got out of my chair and made for the door, twisting the doorknob to open and greet whoever was awaiting on the other side. I opened the door and a hand struck out, wrapping a cloth around my mouth and holding me firmly as i struggled to get away. The chloroform from the cloth soon set in and I drifted off into an unconscious abyss of darkness."

See how much longer that was? Also notice that i paragraphed the two subjects apart, as they were discussing different matters. Be aware of how effective it is to group text that relates to one another and using as much vocabulary and descriptive techniques as you can to really build the scene.
You've got something here, but you're gonna need more detail to really bring it though. Also, please check your grammar in places such as "was all I Nermes said".

[Jack_Pholph]

oh yeah, i guess i missed a few typos, thanks for the advice/criticism, it helped alot.