08-11-2009, 04:14 PM
Never thought I would be here venting myself on the fourms. Heck I prided myself on keeping my emotions off these pages for others to see, but if I don't write this down and let it out I feel I'm going to be sick.
First off not many people know but my father suffered a stroke way back in May, hard to believe it's been 3 months since it happened, and though I am fortunte he came out of it with his mind intact his body became weak and now he hardly leaves his home and sometimes blames it on me, my mother or my brothers for his situation.
Then my workplace, that was once a good place to be, that was once full of people that wanted to both have fun and work on cars and make money , has now become a place of political backstabbing and mind games. As of Dec 2008, out of the original crew I and one other coworker are the only ones left out of a dealership. Now some say that I have made it this far because of my skills and that the new owners wanted me, and maybe that's true I'm never sure. It always feels like I am under the gun, being watched that no matter what I do it's being questioned and examined. Also for the last 2 weeks I have been dealing with the new owners dragging their feet on getting the paperwork through my training in my job. Without this paperwork I can't use the hours that I have worked to put towards my apperenticeship and earn my license. Something that I have been sweating and working for it in the last 4 years and I'm starting to feel trapped.
Also being alone with no friends to really talk to is starting to eat away at my sanity nowadays. I put a few calls to old school friends but I either get a "sorry can't go." or no replies at all. Most of the later seem to happen for frequant.
I try to bury my depression, my angry and sadness through activites like playing guitar, rping, and writing stories. However some of those seem to fail more often then not. I've played guitar for the last 7 months and already own 3 of them now. This works sometimes, but then I think about how much money it cost to do this hobby as I go over my builds. Writing stories has become nothing as I rarely feel inspired or when I do feel that itch I'm at work. I wish there were other writers I could talk to about story writing, but as said before friends are far for me. Lastly role playing....something that I use to be addicted to when I was in high school. Something where my imagination could freely flow and try everything I could never do in life. It use to be fun, but lately it hasn't....I won't name names of the people I have rped with as I don't wish to share that info.
Certain role players that I regulary speak to have pushed me sometimes to the point that I never thought I could go. You see I am sometimes approached by these fellow rpers to role play their ideas about either a tv show or a video game. Sometimes shows and games that I even reccommended to them. It'll start out fine for the first week, but then it starts to happen where things I do are questioned. Yes I am no rp master nor do I wish to be, but I have been around the block for the last 6 years and know the rules. There are days when my rp partner start to lecture me on role-playing or even about the show or game as though they are a master of it and can never do wrong in it. I know they don't think they are doing anything wrong that their trying to be helpful, but to me their is a difference between helpful and dimeaning a person. I sometimes think how ironic it is that I here I recommended this show or game to said rper and now they speak to me as though they have known about it all their lives and I am some newbie.
Even back to rp basics it feels like work. That anything I type, I say, or even how I structure my paragraphs is questioned and pushed. I sometimes feel like lashing out. Telling these people, "Why is it a big deal? Why do you feel I am doing everything wrong? Why must I be the beating stick of others? Why do you talk to me like I don't have a f*** glue?" But I never say it...I never speak it out because I know it'll just cause more arguments it goes on and on till in the end I just feel like throwing up my hands and letting them talk let them say that I'm the problem and they can never go wrong.
They sometimes ask me why I don't post or why do I barely participate in rps or even come into this fourm for weeks at a time and I've kept that silent till now. It's because I'm tired. I'm tired of feeling watched....feeling that anything I do is questioned and being lectured to like I am some 12 year boy that has no f**** clue about rpg. I'm not perfect either, I've god modded or power played sometimes and I always apologize for that, but some do the same but only slightly. Just enough that no one will call it. Just enough that they can move the story and bend it to a point that it becomes boring.
I've seen it too often where stories start out good but slowly players drop off. Posts become fewer as the story becomes stale with a boring sense of perfection. I always loved rps or stories where the pervorbal wrench is thrown in. That something new and unquie shows up and turns it upside down. Those rps are so hard find nowadays...ones that even lasted whole years, but nowadays it's considered a god-mod or power playing. I sometimes wonder what happened to basic creativity...
Like I said I'm not perfect either, I've screwed rp's up with this touch of god-mod, fursona comes to mind as an example. It started out so well, with so many members joining, but it failed. I don't why....maybe I was a poor DM or I relied too much on other players ideas or maybe I didn't allow that wrench to be thrown in to make it interesting.
The funny thing is as I write this, I don't what point I'm trying to make. I'm not asking for change or people to feel sorry for me. I just felt I needed to write this down. That this felt to me to be last thing I can do without falling apart under all this pressure and stress. That even the things I once loved and cherished, that made me feel good to open my eyes to the morning have now fallen into just another problem. Just another thing to worry about or stress over. It makes me feel why do I even bother...to role play, to go to work....or even open my eyes when the morning comes. Why do it when it pulls on me like a ball & chain that can never let go? I guess that answer will come someday....I can only hope it comes sooner rather then later...
Thank you to anyone reading this rant of a lost man. It's appreicated.
-Drake
First off not many people know but my father suffered a stroke way back in May, hard to believe it's been 3 months since it happened, and though I am fortunte he came out of it with his mind intact his body became weak and now he hardly leaves his home and sometimes blames it on me, my mother or my brothers for his situation.
Then my workplace, that was once a good place to be, that was once full of people that wanted to both have fun and work on cars and make money , has now become a place of political backstabbing and mind games. As of Dec 2008, out of the original crew I and one other coworker are the only ones left out of a dealership. Now some say that I have made it this far because of my skills and that the new owners wanted me, and maybe that's true I'm never sure. It always feels like I am under the gun, being watched that no matter what I do it's being questioned and examined. Also for the last 2 weeks I have been dealing with the new owners dragging their feet on getting the paperwork through my training in my job. Without this paperwork I can't use the hours that I have worked to put towards my apperenticeship and earn my license. Something that I have been sweating and working for it in the last 4 years and I'm starting to feel trapped.
Also being alone with no friends to really talk to is starting to eat away at my sanity nowadays. I put a few calls to old school friends but I either get a "sorry can't go." or no replies at all. Most of the later seem to happen for frequant.
I try to bury my depression, my angry and sadness through activites like playing guitar, rping, and writing stories. However some of those seem to fail more often then not. I've played guitar for the last 7 months and already own 3 of them now. This works sometimes, but then I think about how much money it cost to do this hobby as I go over my builds. Writing stories has become nothing as I rarely feel inspired or when I do feel that itch I'm at work. I wish there were other writers I could talk to about story writing, but as said before friends are far for me. Lastly role playing....something that I use to be addicted to when I was in high school. Something where my imagination could freely flow and try everything I could never do in life. It use to be fun, but lately it hasn't....I won't name names of the people I have rped with as I don't wish to share that info.
Certain role players that I regulary speak to have pushed me sometimes to the point that I never thought I could go. You see I am sometimes approached by these fellow rpers to role play their ideas about either a tv show or a video game. Sometimes shows and games that I even reccommended to them. It'll start out fine for the first week, but then it starts to happen where things I do are questioned. Yes I am no rp master nor do I wish to be, but I have been around the block for the last 6 years and know the rules. There are days when my rp partner start to lecture me on role-playing or even about the show or game as though they are a master of it and can never do wrong in it. I know they don't think they are doing anything wrong that their trying to be helpful, but to me their is a difference between helpful and dimeaning a person. I sometimes think how ironic it is that I here I recommended this show or game to said rper and now they speak to me as though they have known about it all their lives and I am some newbie.
Even back to rp basics it feels like work. That anything I type, I say, or even how I structure my paragraphs is questioned and pushed. I sometimes feel like lashing out. Telling these people, "Why is it a big deal? Why do you feel I am doing everything wrong? Why must I be the beating stick of others? Why do you talk to me like I don't have a f*** glue?" But I never say it...I never speak it out because I know it'll just cause more arguments it goes on and on till in the end I just feel like throwing up my hands and letting them talk let them say that I'm the problem and they can never go wrong.
They sometimes ask me why I don't post or why do I barely participate in rps or even come into this fourm for weeks at a time and I've kept that silent till now. It's because I'm tired. I'm tired of feeling watched....feeling that anything I do is questioned and being lectured to like I am some 12 year boy that has no f**** clue about rpg. I'm not perfect either, I've god modded or power played sometimes and I always apologize for that, but some do the same but only slightly. Just enough that no one will call it. Just enough that they can move the story and bend it to a point that it becomes boring.
I've seen it too often where stories start out good but slowly players drop off. Posts become fewer as the story becomes stale with a boring sense of perfection. I always loved rps or stories where the pervorbal wrench is thrown in. That something new and unquie shows up and turns it upside down. Those rps are so hard find nowadays...ones that even lasted whole years, but nowadays it's considered a god-mod or power playing. I sometimes wonder what happened to basic creativity...
Like I said I'm not perfect either, I've screwed rp's up with this touch of god-mod, fursona comes to mind as an example. It started out so well, with so many members joining, but it failed. I don't why....maybe I was a poor DM or I relied too much on other players ideas or maybe I didn't allow that wrench to be thrown in to make it interesting.
The funny thing is as I write this, I don't what point I'm trying to make. I'm not asking for change or people to feel sorry for me. I just felt I needed to write this down. That this felt to me to be last thing I can do without falling apart under all this pressure and stress. That even the things I once loved and cherished, that made me feel good to open my eyes to the morning have now fallen into just another problem. Just another thing to worry about or stress over. It makes me feel why do I even bother...to role play, to go to work....or even open my eyes when the morning comes. Why do it when it pulls on me like a ball & chain that can never let go? I guess that answer will come someday....I can only hope it comes sooner rather then later...
Thank you to anyone reading this rant of a lost man. It's appreicated.
-Drake
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