Cream filling

[MISTER BIG T]

I really want more feedback from this story. Someone please give me more feedback.


Cream filling – Original lemon by MISTER BIG T
Sort of a “sequel” to Hell on Earth expect nearly thousand years later.


That day it happened, Amy was doing her annual cookie sale, wearing her nicest green uniform and dragging behind her a little red wagon loaded down with boxes of assorted cookies. The 7 year old girl had a huge smile on her face today, it was the first sale mom and dad let her go out all on her own for! Of course, they expected her to stay in the nice safe little suburb area, not to strike out to the 'bad part' of town in hopes of getting even more sales. The girl was very much typical little girl, slightly plump, cheerful, and innocent to a fault. She had no idea why mom and dad had told her to stay away from this area of town.


What could possibly go wrong?


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Amy smiled as she knocked on the large door, adjusting her cute little skirt a bit as she bounced from foot to foot "Hellloooo" she called out for "Bunny Scout Cookies!" she said happily as she holds up a pink box of 'Cream filled bunnies' to the window, her uniform crisp and clean over her plump little form.

Not soon later, Sapphire came to open the door, the muscular ebony little girl drinking on a coke through a straw. Even though she could not be any older than 8, she was still more muscular than even most men Amy had seen during her young life. She was dressed in a tank top and small jeans as she looked up at Amy, before getting her bottle away. "You're cute! How much are they?" she asked, while tilting her head.

Amy giggled as she smiled "Five dollars for the bunny cookies, ten for the bunny buns" she says cheerily, "They're great after a workout" she chirped innocently as she stood there, looking very tempting all tight in her uniform and alone, as if like an invitation for the young Humadrion.

Sapphire giggled a bit as she nodded. "Oh that's nice price indeed but I think we have to go check out with my big sisters first, they handle the money situation in this situation. Can you come inside? They're in the gym probably, it won't take long and we'll probably buy lots?" she'd ask, while stepping a bit away, eyeing along the girl's body a bit when she didn't look.

Amy nodded happily as she skipped in, making her skirt pull up in the back, showing her plush rump clad in pink panty cloth as she did so; little gold stars were all over the underpants shining a bit as she walked, almost a run way light directing the girl to her ass.


Sapphire lead Amy to the gym section of the house, where 7 more women were doing work outs. They also were clad in similar outfit of tank top and jeans like the little girl. To call these 'ladies' developed would be understatement as their physique would make even biggest Austrian body builder blush in shame. The stench of fresh sweat was quite strong and they soon stopped their training, looking at Amy curiously. There was a woman, who looked like a slightly older version of Sapphire, two women who seemed like twins, a woman with completely white hair, one woman with only one eye, and the most beautiful of them all, Feralzen.


Amy blushed shyly around all these strong women "Uuh...I-I'm selling....B-bunny scout cookies" she nervously said before continuing "Uh...I got cream filled bunnies and glazed bunny buns....Five dollars for the first and ten for the other.." she spoke meekly, looking at her feet as she did.

Feralzen walked a bit closer, her obviously being the leader. Unlike the others, she wasn't incredibly muscular. Her boobs however were humongous, probably E cup or maybe small F. She had long gray hair that covered her other hair from time to time and she brushed it away with her hand. "Hmm, nice... Sure, for five dollar, I think I could fill the bunny with cream and have fun with the bun..." she'd murmur before slowly moving her hand down behind Amy's behind, before giving her a sudden small spank. "It's a deal." she'd say as Sapphire slowly locked and closed the door, while the rest of the women began to get closer to the girl.

Amy whimpered a bit, yelping loudly at the slap "Uuh no...The...The cookies are filled already.... If you want both it… It's fifteen dollars" she said timidly as she wiggled around in vain, trying to find a way out of the room as she was realizing something was not right "I...I think I should go actually…”

Sapphire soon got close to Amy as she unbuttoned and unbuckled before pulling down her pants down slowly, revealing her flaccid 11 inch long cock. "Hey, don't go. You still haven't sucked my cock yet bitch. You do that, you can go." she'd giggle while rubbing along the sizeable length of the soft member. "You like it?"" to Amy Tallow.

Amy groaned as she shook her head "No! T-that's gross! Girls don't have parts like that!" she whined as she backed up into a wall "I don't want to touch it! It's too big" she said as frightened before making a bolt for the door, trying to open it.

Feralzen however along with the most muscular woman, took hold of Amy and dragged her to middle of them as they all unzipped and unbuttoned their pants, revealing they all had massive cocks, each being bigger than Sapphire's. "Heads up!" one’s voice yelled to Amy suddenly, as the big women began to suddenly urinate all over her, a filthy stream of their hot piss hitting the clothed girl.

Amy screamed as she kicked and flailed in vain, trying to hit one of the massive urinating members, the poor girl's uniform ruined as it stick to her plump little form, making her look a bit like a little sausage tightly packed in now "STOOOOP" she screamed, actually, more like gurgled as the urine hit her mouth, making her gag and suddenly vomit all over the floor. The vomit was brownish hue and had half digested cookie parts; the girl was into her own cookie stock it seemed.

The women kept on urinating all over Amy for a while before Sapphire knelt a bit down, lifting the bunny girl's head up a bit to face her cock. "That happened when you didn't do what you were told you little slut and tried to run. Do it again, and we'll do even worse things to you. Now, suck on my penis and clean it from the pee or I'll hurt you." she'd say as she rubbed her cock across the girl's face.

Amy screamed in panic and shook her head, hands coming out to smack at the hefty member in her face "NO! That's nasty I don't want a gross peepee in my mouth!" she cried out loudly as she struggled in the strong girl's grip wildly.

Sapphire gasped as she slapped her cock few times against Amy's cheeks. "Gross is it? Well bitch, you better start loving this dick and everyone else's gorgeous cocks in this room because they'll be in you soon. "she'd say before she pushed her dick forcefully into her mouth.”And don't you dare bite! I'll hurt you if you do that." she'd say while her cock began to harden and grow in Amy's mouth, the girl obviously getting aroused by being bossy.


Amy gagged and wiggled, nibbling at the cock a bit, too panicked to really 'bite' but the intent was there as she gagged and gurgled, skin turning slightly green as it seemed she was near vomiting again.

Sapphire's cock grew to 14 inches long as she began to fuck Amy's mouth violently while giggling. Meanwhile, two more cocks come closer to Amy, the cocks’ even as flaccid being over a foot in length. "Stroke their dicks." the girl instructed as the women took hold of Amy's small hands, making them wrap around the big dicks.

Amy sobbed as she stroked the girls clumsily, still nibbling pathetically on the thick member in her mouth, gagging and whining as she tries to say something, most likely along the lines of 'I'm going to puke!' as she was trapped by that massive member.

Feralzen suddenly gets behind Amy, hiking her skirt up even higher to reveal those cute underpants before she pressed her face against them, planting her ass a kiss throughout the cloth. "When was the last time you've taken a crap?" she'd murmur while licking along the fabric, as Sapphire pulled her dick out for a moment, a trail of saliva leading to it.

Amy gagged and sobs, some puke coming out onto Sapphire's feet as she tried to answer "Mmghayesterdayaaah" she spits out finally through her gagging and hacking, shaking sadly as she begins to sob loudly.

Feralzen grins as she pushes her finger into Amy's ass through the fabric, but not breaking the panty itself as she pushed it in too. "I asked when the last time you took a crap was!" she'd ask again, this time, Sapphire would spit directly at the girl's face before laughing.

Amy sobbed loudly "I said yesterday!" she said through sobs, snot, and tears flowing down her face pathetically as she struggled around in their grasp, "Take your finger out! It's dirty there!"

Feralzen laughed as she pulled Amy's panties slowly down before giving a long lick to her ass before pushing her head further in, starting to lick on the ass. "Mmhh...." she murmured, enjoying it, especially since was as dirty as the girl had said. Meanwhile, Sapphire lifted her dick a bit as she presented her balls to her. "Suck on these now.""

Amy scowled and shook her head, her little fist even going out to punch the presented balls in a fit of defiance! Meanwhile, her ass would be rather gritty and dirty, the girl not too good at wiping completely it seemed as she struggled "STOP!"

Suddenly Amy was brought down to the floor hard, her now being on top of Feralzen who had her legs crossed across her body, the woman lying on her back on the floor while still licking along her ass. "I warned you but you didn't listen." Sapphire said as all of the women began to squat, bringing their smelly rears closer to Amy as they began to shit all over her, runny diarrhea like feces pushing into her mouth, her face, into her nose, and all over her, some getting on Feralzen as well who didn't seem to mind at all..."

Amy screamed and gurgled, legs and arms flailing wildly as she cried loudly "MMMMMMGHA" she gagged horribly as she was smothered in shit, struggling wildly around "MMMAAAAAAAMMMMAAA" she cried sadly as she’d be forced to swallow down the waste.

The women continued to empty their bowels, at a fast rate while Feralzen sucked on Amy's ass, while her hand moved to rub on her pussy, trying eagerly to make the girl lose control as well. "What do you think you little slut? This is going to be your dinner from now on..." Sapphire cooed while farting up straight against Amy's nose, a foul and long fart.

Amy gagged loudly as she struggled, gagging and sobbing loudly as she struggled her own thick, solid, turds coming out as Feralzen sucks her ass, sobbing loudly. "NO! It's horrible!”

Feralzen starts eating out the logs Amy was making as the two women she had jerked off earlier come closer and jerk on their cocks at fast rate as they suddenly come, directly into Amy's eyes, and all over her face, covering it with their cum, before Sapphire pushed her dick deep into her mouth and down her throat as she herself came too. "Mmrghh!""

Feralzen soon climbed from underneath the Amy's ass as she stroked her own dick, it being 2'7 feet in length now. "Look how excited you've made me... I'll make you into a woman tonight..." she'd murmur as she'd slowly begin to push her dick into Amy's tight, virgin cunt.

Amy gasped and shook her head "Nooo!' she murmured weakly as she struggled in vain, sobbing as her tight walls were penetrated by that huge shaft, the head enough already to spread her lips wide and make her start to bleed.

Feralzen then span Amy around so she's like on all fours as Sapphire presents her shit covered ass to the girl. "Lick me clean." she'd say while pulling the girl's head into her rear as Feralzen begins to push more of her length in.


Amy sobs as her virginity was taken by the older woman, submissively eating the younger girl's ass out with her soft pink tongue, hoping it would all be over soon.


Sapphire soon moved away as one of the muscular women, one with a completely white hair brought her penis close to Amy. It was massive as well, two feet in length. "Talera's mute, but I think she wants you to lick and suck her dick. If you don't, she has ways to make you...”

Amy screamed harder as her pussy was beginning to get totally ripped by the large cock, struggling wildly as she tried to avoid sucking another cock "MMMMGHA! NOOOOO!"


Talera pushed violently into Amy's mouth, the member so big it nearly dislocated the girl's jaw as two more big dicks come close to her face, them starting to rub all over her face, and her nose.

Amy gagged and shook her head hard, trying to get free "MMMMMMGAH' she drools in a panic as she 'speaks' trying to scream and get loose.


Talera fucked into her mouth for few thrusts, before Amy's head was turned and the other woman began thrusting in her mouth. Her head was soon turned again, the third female having her fun with the girl. After few thrusts, the head was again turned and Talera took her turn with the head again. All during this, Feralzen begins fucking Amy deeper and harder with each thrust, her heavy balls slapping against the girl's thighs. Amy sobbed loudly as she was used as just a cock holder, going limp in their grasp, while beginning to sob quietly as she was continuously taken by force.

Soon Feralzen began to moan as she starts pumping in and out faster as she began to blush. "I'm going to come... I'll make you pregnant... Going to make you into mommy..." she'd murmur as the cocks were taken out from Amy's mouth to let her speak out in response to that. However Amy was simply sobbing uncontrollably now, not evening seeming to have registered the comment, merely shaking her head and bawling like a baby as she did.

Feralzen pushed her dick all the way into Amy's cunt as she began to come, like straight out of a volcano eruption as she shot load after load of extremely fertile cum into Amy's unprotected womb. "Everyone! Ready!!" she'd cry out as she pulled her dick out, all of the women began to jerk off fast, each coming all over the woman once again, totally drenching her in and out with the semen.

For a long time Amy sobbed, as she curled up into a ball, covered and stuffed with cum, shit, and piss, the girl was ruined by all accounts, as she sobbed "O-Okay....C-Can I please go now?" she’d whimper sadly as she looked up at the women.

The women looked at each other in confusion before Sapphire laughed and poked the woman's nose. "You're silly! I just told you you'd be eating off our shit from now on as dinner, do you think we're some sort of delivery service and we'd come to your house to give it? No, you're going to spend the rest of your life with us. You'll never see the daylight again…"

[DragonMasterX]

The 7 year old girl had a huge smile on her face today, it was the first sale mom and dad let her go out all on her own for!

Okay, for first, there's this little thing which you can or cannot change, but numbers from zero to twelve in English are spelled with letters, so up from 13 and onwards, you can use numbers. It's a bit more stylish that way, but you can choose to do as you wish.

Next, "had a huge smile on her face today". No, wrong. You started in Past Simple, you cannot say "today" if you're narrating in Past. You should change it to "that day" instead.

they expected her to stay in the nice safe little suburb area

You hungry? You ate the comma between nice and safe.

The girl was very much typical little girl

"Typical little girl" is a noun as a whole, and since it's not plural, but singular, you cannot skip the definite article, a or an (In this case, "a typical little girl").

Amy smiled as she knocked on the large door, adjusting her cute little skirt a bit as she bounced from foot to foot "Hellloooo" she called out for "Bunny Scout Cookies!" she said happily as she holds up a pink box of 'Cream filled bunnies' to the window, her uniform crisp and clean over her plump little form.

Ouch. First, "Knocked on the large door"? Door to where? You never explained if Amy was next to a house/condominium/factory/school. It's not a very serious mistake, but if you don't want to imply where she is, then you shouldn't be so substancial with the door, and leave it a bit more anonymous, for example: "Knocked on a large door". Or else, you would need to write where the subject in question is firsthand.

Now, the source of my ouch. "she said happily as she holds". No no and again, no. You can't narrate in two tenses at the same time in the very same sentence while you're in an extreme. You can't begin narrating in Past and then switch to Present like that. It's a grammar horror. The Past Tense of "Hold" is "Held".

Even though she could not be any older than 8, she was still more muscular than even most men Amy had seen during her young life.

"during her young life."? Woah wait, you said she's seven years old. Is she an adult now? Try "short life", because I'm sure that's what you meant to say.

She was dressed in a tank top and small jeans as she looked up at Amy, before getting her bottle away.

The Phrasal Verb you wanted to use here was "Put away", which in this case would turn your sentence into: "before putting her bottle away".

Amy giggled as she smiled "Five dollars for the bunny cookies, ten for the bunny buns" she says cheerily, "They're great after a workout" she chirped innocently as she stood there, looking very tempting all tight in her uniform and alone, as if like an invitation for the young Humadrion.

Eww, again with the tense shifting. Look through your sentences more closely, I'm not going to keep pointing out these. But I'll reiterate: You cannot start narrating in Past and then switch to Present or vice-versa. The Past Tense of "Say" is "Said".

Sapphire giggled a bit as she nodded. "Oh that's nice price indeed but I think we have to go check out with my big sisters first, they handle the money situation in this situation. Can you come inside? They're in the gym probably, it won't take long and we'll probably buy lots?" she'd ask, while stepping a bit away, eyeing along the girl's body a bit when she didn't look.

Again, the Definite Article. "Oh that's nice price indeed..." No. Price, in this case, is a singular noun. You can't keep devouring the a's and an's like that. Not gonna keep up with article troubles either, check your sentences carefully again.

"they handle the money situation in this situation." Uh, that sentence makes my head spin. Try changing it or using different words to cut out the repetition.

"They're in the gym probably, it won't take long and we'll probably buy lots?" she'd ask, while stepping a bit away, eyeing along the girl's body a bit when she didn't look."

Eww with Capital E. "she'd ask"? That short form "she'd ask" can translate to either "she had ask" or "she would ask" and both choices are horrible. For first, you can't use "she had ask" because that is Past Perfect, and you've no current event to link the Past Simple to Past Perfect in your narration, furthermore, it would be "asked" not "ask". Second, "she would ask"? Huh? There's no conditional there, why would you use "Would"?
Edit that part, it should be "she asked", period.

Amy nodded happily as she skipped in

"Skipped in"? That's one weird Phrasal Verb. If you mean she entered the house, it's: "Stepped in".

They also were clad in similar outfit of tank top and jeans like the little girl.

"in similar outfit"? Is there only one outfit in the whole room? No, there isn't. So they are outfits.

Hmm, nice... Sure, for five dollar, I think I could fill the bunny with cream and have fun with the bun...

Haha, but no. "Five dollar". The Five Dollar Bill is where dollar isn't prural, but since we're counting money as an indefinite and not per bill, it's "five dollars."

she'd murmur before slowly moving her hand down behind Amy's behind, before giving her a sudden small spank.

Again, why a "she'd"? No, there's no Past Event linking to use Past Perfect, there's no conditional, and I'm sure that would doesn't denote habit, because it's only happening this once. "she murmured", and that's that.

"before, before" "behind, behind" Try variating with words or structures to reduce repetitions. "she murmured before slowly moving her hand down behind Amy's butt, and then gave her a sudden small spank." See? Not only I changed one of the behinds, but I also turned your second Past Continous into a more manageable Past Simple.

she'd say as Sapphire slowly locked and closed the door

It's a disorder of events. First, you close the door, then you lock it. If you did otherwise, the door would not fit thanks to the lock getting in the way.

"Uuh no...The...The cookies are filled already.... If you want both it… It's fifteen dollars

I thought you hated overusage of elipses? 5 minute pause between each word? Why not use commas to interrupt her speech, or even dashes (-)? They work really well when you want to make a character babble or repeat their speech because their tongue twists.

trying to find a way out of the room as she was realizing something was not right

You need to review Past Continuous. You can't use a continuous after another. When in Past, you go "Past Simple -> Past Continuous" or "Past Continuous -> Past Simple". This could either have been: "trying to find a way out of the room as she realized something was not right" or "tried to find a way out of the room as she was realizing something was not right". Careful with these.

Sapphire soon got close to Amy as she unbuttoned and unbuckled before pulling down her pants down slowly

No, really? I didn't know pants did go down when you pulled them down.

"she'd say before she pushed her dick forcefully into her mouth.”And don't you dare bite! I'll hurt you if you do that." she'd say while her cock began to harden and grow in Amy's mouth, the girl obviously getting aroused by being bossy.

You screwed up with quotes here, bad.

And there are many, many, MANY more horrible mistakes with your writing in this story. But I already spent almost 50 minutes carefully reading through the whole story and frankly I've got enough. I'll go right ahead and grade it:

Plot: Little girl ignores (?) parents and goes off to a bad part of the suburbs, gets caught in a house full of shemales on her first door ringing, gets raped, shitted and pissed on, and impregnated, no less. Now, and without any further ado, she will forever remain a sex slave into the first house of the year she went to sell cookies to. That's one Happy Ending, but I'm afraid the story leaves a lot to desire, there are many things you could have added to make it a more capturing read despite your clear love for descriptive scenes. A story which can be summarized in less than four lines doesn't suck, but it's not very awe-striking either. 4/10

Characterization: Feralzen and Sapphire would have sufficed. The other Humadrions there were just cluttering up space for the heck of it. They didn't even have any significant dialogues or gave any substancial, commentable contribution to the story. Poor little Amy, but that's what she gets for... for... well, for nothing except being one of your characters. 3/10

Writing: Ugh, I'll just say you need a beta reader. 2/10.

Overall Score: 3/10. Not saying it sucks, you do well describing, but a story needs much more than scene description. On a separate, yet still related subject, you must work on your writing, you need to mind what you write and to make sure everything you are typing makes sense (at least gramatically), or else, trust me, the amount of possible readers will drop significantly, namely because it really gets tiring to have to go back and ask one self: "Huh? What the hell did he mean?" or "Why did he change the words?" or "Before, before" "Behind, behind".

You may say the Writing is not as important as the "Meat" of the story, but it's what actually gets people to read it and continue until the story finishes without turning it down. If a reader reaches the point where a story is illegible and it tires someone's eyes, then it means your writing is dull and unappreciated by yourself, the Writer, which means you need to go over what really is important to make a good story and distribute your care over all the aspects of your piece of writing. Got it? Keep it up, and don't give up.