"Why so serious?"

[Frisk E. Coyote]

The goal of this thread is simple. The world can be a depressing melancholic shit-hole infested with crabs and god forbid, rats. Post some jokes that made you laugh laugh your face off, or at the very least crack a smile here for those of us that NEED some of that sunshine for an extremely happy day and sunburn! :D

I'll start off!

~ ~ ~

Two ministers doing missionary work in the South Seas are captured by a tribe and tied to stakes.

The chief says to them, "You have a choice-- Death, or ugga bugga."

The first minister says, "Well, I guess ugga bugga."

The chief shouts "UGGA BUGGA!" and thirty members of the tribe attack the first missionary. They molest and sodomize and abuse his body for hours on end until he is nearly dead.

The chief then asks the second minister, "Now you have a choice, death or ugga bugga."

The second minister says, "Well, my religion does not allow me to choose ugga bugga, so I suppose it must be death."

The chief says, "Very well." Then he turns to the tribe and shouts, "Death! But first, UGGA BUGGA!"

[Ghostiemon]

I just got a plasma tv for 25 quid, the volume switch is broke, but heck for that price you just can't turn it down.

[Bee]

Sorry to anyone of polish descent.


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How do you stop the Polish Army on horseback?

Unplug the carosel.


Did you hear about the Polish family that drowned when their pickup truck crashed into a lake?

They couldn't get the tailgate down in time.


How do you perform a Redneck Circumcision?

Kick his sister in the jaw.

[Guilmon and a shotgun]

Lol'd at first two :P

Russian helicopter pilot says to the other "Where don't you want an imposter to be?", the other says he doen't know and asks where to which the first pilot replies "Be-Hind you of course!"

Then their chopper is then shot down, because god doesn't approve of russians making bad jokes...stupid god...

[Ghostiemon]

Whats 40 poles long and 4 poles wide. The polish army of course.

[Bee]

What are the only two soldiers in the French Army?

The one holding the white flag, and the one running away.

[Ghostiemon]

This is an actual job application that a 17 year old boy submitted to McDonald's in Florida... and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!

NAME: Greg Bulmash.

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Aries.

[Gobi No Houkou]

funny!

[Frisk E. Coyote]

It is pouring rain in the flood plain of Mississippi Valley, and the rising river begins to threaten homes, including that of the local preacher.

When the water floods the ground floor, a rowboat with police comes by, and the officer shouts, "Let us evacuate you! The water level is getting dangerous!"

The preacher replies, "No thank you, I am a righteous man who trusts in the Almighty, and I am confident he will deliver me."

Three hours go by, and the rains intensify, at which point the preacher is forced up to the second floor of his house. A second police rowboat comes by, and the officer shouts, "Now let us evacuate you! The water level is getting too dangerous!"

The preacher replies, "No thank you, I am a righteous man who trusts in the Almighty, and I am confident he will deliver me."

The rain keeps coming, and the preacher is forced up onto the roof of his house. A helicopter flies over and lowers a rope. The officer on board shouts down, "Please, grab the rope and we'll pull you up! We're in terrible danger!"

The preacher replies, "No thank you, I am a righteous man who trusts in the Almighty, and I am confident he will deliver me."

The deluge continues. The preacher is swept off the roof, carried away in the current, and drowns. He goes up to heaven, and at the pearly gates he is admitted and comes before God.

The preacher asks, "Dear Lord, I don't understand. I've been a righteous and observant person my whole life, and I depended on you to save me in my hour of need. Where were you?"

And the Lord answers, "I sent you two boats and a helicopter! What more do you want!?"

[Bee]

Now, did he get the job?

******
The following jokes poke fun at Hitler and the Holocaust. If this doesn't sit right with you, you don't have to read it.
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Why did Hitler commit suicide?

He saw his gas bill.

How do you fit 4 million jews in a Volkswagen?

Two in the front, two in the back, and the rest in the ashtray.

What's the difference between a Jew and a pizza?

A pizza doesn't scream in the oven.