Was he only worth two tears?

[DragonMasterX]

Not a rant in particular, I won't be cursing anybody or anything; just describe something considerably disturbing to myself which I think I want to share with you guys.

So, two days ago on Thursday morning, whilst trying to sleep, I was listening to my dad and his friend talk in the kitchen, it's not so far from my room so it's only natural I was awake from their conversation. Seconds later mom came to my room slightly shaken up. My official wake up message: "Wake up, we're going to Bragado, your grandad died."

I remember myself jumping on my bed and forgetting about my planned day, later yelling a loud, "WHAT?!" before I could regain composture and read my mom's last words in my head. I knew he was in a pretty bad condition from all surgeries, but I never expected he'd die so soon. To me, as he was the oldest carrying the family's name, he was the biggest of all the males in my dad's side of the family. I was literally immobile while thinking all this, I even remembered when we had gone to visit him two years ago, before ending the visit, I smiled and told him: "It's gonna take a lot more than lung cancer to take one of us down." and I remember myself saying so with certain pride, self-confidence, like looking onto my grandfather and knowing it was the very truth.

However, he died, it was painful to everybody: His wife, my dad, his brothers and sisters, and their respective families, my sister; and only two in the family seemingly didn't go through that horrendous pain: Gramps and I.

The funeral. My first funeral ever, I had never seen so many sad people, I had never seen my family so sad, I had never seen a coffin. I had never seen a dead, immobile person, a corpse. And there was I, contemplating all that as my first time, and there he was, lying on the coffin, only his white skinned face visible and his mouth slightly opened showing his teeth. He seemed peaceful, he looked like he had fulfilled something, something I did not understand. It was long before I stopped watching and noticed my sister had broken into tears along with my dad. I watched them and couldn't help feeling bad, the tears wouldn't come out, I couldn't join them.

I decided to leave pops with his dad, I wasn't exactly in a good mood so after mom and I decided to go out for air, I spotted one of my uncles in a separate room. I went to him with mom and we sat besides him. He had done his good cry already, I could notice so by just staring at his face, his look as if he had seen a ghost, in this case he had only watched, and kept staring at his own father's dead body. While I was watching him, it was then I started thinking how dad was feeling, how it would be if the same were to happen to him. I saw gramps' wife, she was emotionaly destroyed and couldn't stop crying. I just started wishing mentally while my uncle called to see if my aunt would arrive soon (she had been sent a taxi to pick her up at the capital) and started one of my very few pleas. I just wished for dad to have his pain eased, and my gramps' travel to wherever he was going to be safe and be kept in peace and happiness; I'm not any good pilgrim and I barely assist church, but if my gramps did have a soul I really hope its resting well. And after wishing so, it hit me, I couldn't breathe normally, my heart started pounding and my eyes started hurting since I wasn't blinking, I had become sad at last. I don't have lots of memories spent with my gramps, but I know he was important to many, I just couldn't think of him as the person who greeted me when I went to his house to eat pasta, even though I didn't deserve to love him like others did, I didn't want to think him as nothing or just somebody else. Only two tears flowed out of my eyes, one from each, first the left, then right.

I didn't open my mouth, I just cleaned my face and told them I'd be waiting outside with a very low murmur I knew they had understood. I saw dad outside, he was smoking, and talking with another one of my uncles. I waited next to him and just patted him on the shoulder when he looked at me.

A couple hours later waiting, the local priest came to bless gramps' soul. Everyone was even sadder, and again I couldn't even shed a tear to accompany them. I only went to dad, who later asked me to help all them to carry the coffin after they had sealed it.
The time came, and all my uncles, my aunt and I (For some reason nobody from my family wanted to approach the coffin) lifted the coffin and carried it to the carrier car.

I went to my cousin's car after telling dad to go with his brothers to follow the carrier since he didn't want to board the care before everybody was set. We eventually got to the cementery and I witnessed my first burial. Sadness crowded the place, I just couldn't help seeing my dad so sad I wanted to comfort him... but I couldn't, I couldn't even share his pain. The dusk came just as we finished and everybody got to their respective places, minus dad, brothers/sister and gramps' wife, they all stayed at her place to consolate her whilst I went to my grandmother's house, I wasn't exactly cheerful but the day... just passed like any other day. And everything went to normal... except for dad, I can't sense him like before, he looks really empty even though he doesn't show it openly and it doesn't make me exactly happy. I'm just afraid to try to cheer him up, I don't know how to manage words, I'm afraid I'll say something stupid to him and just make it worse.

I really don't know what's up with me, I don't know why I couldn't share the pain everybody was feeling or why I couldn't even understand anything. But I know one thing for sure... even though gramps is gone, he was a very important person to many, and just because he died won't change that. It's the only thing that made me not feel totally angry at myself.

I'm done... I felt I had to type this up, I'm not ranting since I don't feel angry or pissed or bothered by it anymore, but something told me I had to share my experience with you guys.

[Wisemon]

People grieve in their own ways. Don't get all bent out of shape about someone not crying to your satisfaction. It's really just a useless formality anyway. If your grandfather died of lung cancer, it wasn't sudden, and the rest of your family had probably already accepted the guy as dead for quite a while. There, do you feel better now?

[DragonMasterX]

I don't really know to be honest. I just remember some of them mentioning the doctor had told Gramps he had 3 last days but he had hid it until certain time when one of them found out the truth. Gramps didn't die in such a horrible way, according to many it was a very easy and euthanastic (Hope I spelt it right) dead since he passed away whilst sleeping. I think the most affected person was his wife, my dad felt really bad, but that's because he's way too sensitive. Thanks Wise, I think I feel a bit better ^^

[Angry_kittens]

Everyone deals with things differently.... myself.. I cried a lot at the first funeral I went to.. well.. the only one I've been to for anyone related to me.. but, it could be a lot of things. From the way you sounded to me.. I think you felt the sadness that everyone else did, but did not recognize it as such because you haven't ever dealt with it before. You don't have to cry to feel.. it just lets everyone else see your feelings somewhat.. I don't know if that made any sense. But yea.. its what I've got

[Frisk E. Coyote]

I know what you mean DragonMasterX, I can relate to you a bit. it was my second funerla, and it was my grandma from my mom's side. She was 90 when she snuffed it. Everyone was sad, especially my mother. My BITCH of a sister didn't shed a tear. But all I could do is tear up a bit. I don't understand why either, I loved my gran.

Perhaps it's just one of those times when you feel like you just want to comfort those who are worse off other than grieve for yourself. I did my best to show my mother how much I cared for example.

[Sabre of Pain]

i cry alot for rediculious things (ill make up something stupid like "whoa a piece of dust just got in my eye") most of the time i dont even know what i'm crying about but when it comes to death i have never cryed over it i don't know why but i just don't if i was you i wouldn't be too worried people express themselves in differant ways and if you don't feel like crying don't try to force yourself to even if you feel content with the death thats not a bad thing thats just your way of coping with it

i guess what i'm trying to say is crying isnt the only way to feel sad so don't worry about it

[fred_18]

like the above say, everyone has their own way of mourning....but had that happen to my grandpa....well...I would be devastated...just like when my grandma died....it hurt like crazy...later my second grandfather died...which too hurt...now i have my first grandpa and my second grandma left....

I guess it depends on how well you know that person that has passed..

[Lover Mama]

When I feel sad, I try ta joke about it... Don' usually cry at funerals.. but I cry when a pet dies.. I dunno... I guess maybe it comes from mom tryin ta raise me the way she did.. believin in all that life after death stuff.. most of hem things don't talk about what happens ta animals, so I guess I cry because I never heard what is supposed ta happen ta them..

[Kalyx]

DMX, everyone reacts differently and grieves in their own way, so don't feel like you haven't been emotional enough. Death never makes any sense...one can just hope find their own unique therapy; of dealing and coping with it.
My father had a huge family; his mother was one of 18 siblings, so there were always lots and lots of relatives. Which also meant there were funerals every few years. I have been going to them ever since I was a baby and seeing someone lying in a coffin, really doesn't have an effect on me, anymore. I just try to remember all the good times and memories I had with this particular person and I feel better. I'm not that much of an emotional person, myself. (Although, nothing could of prepared me for the loss of my mother, brother and then father...within the past six years.) Makes one grow up, real fast.

[MISTER BIG T]

It's okay not to cry at funerals. I've not cried in any of the funerals I've been at expect the one where I was 5 years or so old when my mom's father died. Every person mourns in their own way, some people just don't break up as easily as some others.