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Renafan · 03-09-2003, 11:36 AM

Here's the link[url]http://www.geocities.com/satamhog2001/dtls.txt

Hope you enjoy this story. I certainly enjoyed writing it(as I've told in two e-mails...),so I hope you enjoy it too! Oops,repeated myself,that's not good for english...ah well. Seeyas.

-Renafan,
Renamon's #1 fan...so there![/url]

03-09-2003, 12:18 PM

Now lemme see...

Okay, the lemon is kinda short and includes scat. That's about all I could really notice on the "not so great" side (I'm not really a scat fan and enjoy plot development, so others might argue there).

On the "nice" side: It's quite well-written in my opinion, and the lemon scene is short, but nicely done. Shows Takato's mixed feelings during the entire process. ^^

Okay, I admit that you hit the "Out-of-Character" button rather deftly sometimes, with Renamon switching between her usual reserved self and the lustful vixen. I don't add this to the "not so great" list because you explained it well in the end (and because I enjoyed her teasing and toying!!! :D).

Overall:
If this is (one of) your first lemon(s), then I'd say you've done a very nice job. I bet fans of scat greatly enjoyed your work, but you also kept the balance between "normal" sex and scat. ^_^
You really brought your potential to the right place! :D

Enjoy your stay, write more, and send your lemon to Togashi ^^

Side note: I noticed the "Part 1" in the title... who will be in Part 2? ^_^

03-09-2003, 12:28 PM

I really enjoyed reading your lemon. I have a few suggestions that you might consider adding next time.
1. Place a little more desription on the lemon scene. (i.e not, "she sucked him off", instead you could be a little more descriptive, like "She placed the end of her muzzle over the head of his length, her tongue lapping over it gentl)y. This might make it a little longer, but in the end, readers will enjoy it a little more. (At least I would...)
2. Emphasis on #1 (actually, that is the only thing I see wrong.)
3. Keep up the good work, lemon writing gets easier the more you do it.

Renafan · 03-09-2003, 01:06 PM

Thanx for the comments guys,

I'm glad you liked the lemon,I promise the next chapter will be longer than the first. I'm going to do other couplings that we don't see too often like maybe Rika/Kyubimon or Henry/Gargomon. The next chapter will have more plot development as well so I PROMISE a good time next chapter and don't worry...I'll only put scat in the story if I feel it's absolutely necessary to make a certain moment more "sexual" in a way. Once again,thanx for the comments! If you guys have ANY requests,feel free to make em'.

-Renafan,
Renamon's #1 fan!

03-12-2003, 02:19 AM

Let's start with the plot. This is basically a PWP 'plot what plot?' lemon, which starts and ends with the sex scene. The small set-up for it we get is Takato's confession to Renamon and her positive response to it. An interesting theme for a plot is, as Renamon pointed out, the fact that Takato's a human and Renamon's a Digimon. That was also one of the few in-character moments she got in the fanfic, which was quickly spoiled because that point wasn't given further exploration.

The characterisation was probably the weakest point of the fanfic. Takato's said feelings for Renamon "since the first time he saw her" aren't verified by the series, since it's pretty much canon that he had a crush on Juri. I can't see him confessing his feelings to her that quickly and with that little provocation, considering he is rather shy by nature, especially in romantic matters. Renamon's portrayal was generally better than Takato's, but still her personality was too loose. She wouldn't trust the genuineness of Takato's feelings for her instantly, and she wouldn't react to them so openly during the first time she learned about them. She's closer to the way fans picture her than the way the series does, which can be both good and bad. In this case it seems bad to me, because it only adds to the lack of plot. Takato loves Renamon, Renamon wants him too, and they have hot passionate sex. The End.

Grammar and spelling errors were few compared to the average lemon. I think I ought to point this out, though: One space after each comma and each end of sentence.

The title was bad. Not only has it been used a hundred times before, only with a different name for the character, but it is a sad excuse for a title anyway. I'm sure you can come up with something more original than that, this is certainly not going to attract any non-Takato/Renamon fans to the story.

The lemon scene was pretty good. The description could have been much better throughout the story, but the scene was long and covered enough different positions to make it interesting. Sure, there's scat, but those who don't like it can just avoid the story. Besides, serving different preferences is a good thing.

It's an average lemon in general, but a good one if you take into consideration that it's your first. Good luck with your other stories.

Renafan · 03-12-2003, 11:13 AM

Thanx for the very INDEPTH look at my first lemon. I got better response
to this first lemon that I ever thought I was going to get. Question:Do you review regularly? It sure sounds like it. You're right about the plot thing but as you'll see in my next lemon,they'll be much more plot and no watersports(at least in this one heheh) Just to let you guys know,my next lemon will be a build up to what happens in the next one so don't be surprised if there's not much sex in the next one. You'll be glad you read this next one though. It's a little longer than my first and has much more plot development. Once again, thank you very much.

-Renafan,
Renamon's #1 fan forever

Renafan · 03-12-2003, 11:16 AM

Thanx for the very INDEPTH look at my first lemon. I got better response
to this first lemon that I ever thought I was going to get. Question:Do you review regularly? It sure sounds like it. You're right about the plot thing but as you'll see in my next lemon,they'll be much more plot and no watersports(at least in this one heheh) Just to let you guys know,my next lemon will be a build up to what happens in the next one so don't be surprised if there's not much sex in the next one. You'll be glad you read this next one though. It's a little longer than my first and has much more plot development. Once again, thank you very much.

-Renafan,
Renamon's #1 fan forever

03-12-2003, 11:27 AM

....... Wow ...... NOW there is something new... heh heh

03-13-2003, 12:10 AM

Question:Do you review regularly? It sure sounds like it.

There was a period when I reviewed fanfiction every day. I still love reviewing, but I don't do it as much because of the lack of time.

03-14-2003, 08:48 AM

Well when you have to do things irl... You dont have time.. heh

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