Out of the Closet and into Your Arms: An Adventure Lemon

[CloneWarrior]

Okay, I've put a lot of work into this and hopefullyit's a whole lot better than that Tamers one...

So...

[i] Taichi had promised Yamato he would be there at five. He

[Wisemon]

[quote]

[CloneWarrior]

[quote=Wisemon][quote]

[Herr Mullen]

Herr Mullen?

Ready.

First, the italics. No. The story should be easy to read in both its font and it's style. Secdond, new speakers require new paragraphs. And, frankly, when you catch a guy at climax you're embaressed: you do not treat it like a sneeze. Reflect life.

Huh. Interesting line about perverts, there. That and the prostitutes highlights the seedy side of the city, and the exopsure to it that these guys may have had.

Matt isn't this flamboyent. He's an angsty guy. None of this romanitisism displayed simply by the use of a song. He's more likely to be acting angry and quiet than hugging and singing.

And Tai would slap him. This is a straight Tai, a Tai to who these ideas are weird, and strange. If you wanted it to happen like that, you would have made him see it as dark, wrong and facinating.

Why would Matt go down like that? Sort how you want to characterise him out, first, rather than decide on a sequence of events leading to sex. For him to sing this great big roamntic song, and then to be so forward and forcefully manipulating in his actions is a huge controdiction.

A more flexible vocabulary would do this sex scene no end of good: a guy can only read "cumming" and "sucking" so many times before he gets bored. And draw it out more: antisipation is key to drawing your readers in.

A moment ago Tai was dreaming of Sora, and now he's turned gay? Not possible. He's be filled with worry, filled with questions: he's be absolutely, totally and utterly confused.

This sory lacks consistant characterisation, especially in the case of Yamato, who barely has any at all (at least, nothing accurate). A greater vocabulary and a longer use of discription would help the quality, too.