01-01-2007, 11:09 AM
I wasn't sure if I should put this here or if I wanted to put it with the main forum since you see yaoi fics there, but seeing as this part of the board needs some good stuff, I'd put up my first really good lemon that I've written in... geez, I can't even really remember! (<-is kinda embarrassed about the quality of her old fanfics) At its core, it's Masaru's dad and Satsuma yaoi, but.. not quite. Just read, you silly pickles. 
Oh, and a disclaimer for you legal people: Digimon isn't mine, neither is its characters. Don't sue me for making them fuck each other. XP
Pictures of You
by DigistarDBZ
===
I've been looking so long at these pictures of you
That I almost believe that they're real
I've been living so long with my pictures of you
That I almost believe that the pictures are
All I can feel...
The Cure -"Pictures of You"
===
"Is something bothering you?"
Satsuma always hated it when Kudamon asked that question. It never helped that his Partner Digimon always rested around his shoulders-- so any facial expressions, however minor, indicating emotions out-of-the-ordinary for the DATS Captain would be caught by him in an instant. It also never helped that the response was almost always the same:
"No, I'm fine."
And Kudamon would always know better, but usually drop the subject out of respect. Kudamon had known his partner long enough to know that insisting on an answer wouldn't get him one anyway.
Somehow, this time was different. This was a small expression- a twinge, if you would- that seemed to occasionally cross Satsuma's face ever since one 14-year-old Daimon Masaru wound up at DATS' front doorstep. It had been so long, it took a little while for Kudamon to remember just what that expression indicated. Something familiar- no- something that only started when Masaru arrived and bringing his last name with him.
"I would normally let it be that, but I know he's on your mind again."
Satsuma was a little annoyed that Kudamon would press the issue, especially seeing as he wasn't the only person in the control center. But, perhaps... maybe actually being able to talk to someone who knew what was quietly eating at him would be soothing.
Getting to a position in which he could talk about it, however, was a bit of a different story. Simply walking out the door and hoping someone wouldn't hear him talk about intimate details was easier said than done.
"..We'll talk about it when we have time to ourselves. Now isn't the time to discuss matters like that."
Again, personal matters would have to wait. As usual. Inside, knowing that they had to wait to be even brought into the open with someone else made his feelings swell to an even more uncomfortable degree- having to see the boy out of the corner of his eye and all of his resemblance to the father that gave these feelings life would only make things worse.
Daimon Suguru... a man that vanished 10 years ago, taking the captain's heart with him.
---
"It's been 10 years, Kudamon," Satsuma said quietly inside of his personal office, placing his head in one of his hands over the desk. "It shouldn't have to feel like this. Not anywhere like this."
"Feelings are a complicated matter that I really don't think I can remedy." Kudamon replied in a similar tone, turning his head down slightly. He was in the rare position of not being curled around his partner's shoulders, but rather standing on the desk before him. Being in his usual position wouldn't be appropriate or practical in a situation like this. "Especially when it comes to things like love. Digimon have different conceptions of how love is supposed to be."
"I don't expect you to understand any of it." Satsuma reassured the pipe fox-like Digimon with a small, melancholy smile. "Love in humans is as complicated as it comes to understanding. And all of this seemed under control until Masaru came to unwittingly remind me of Suguru."
"I do know that's never been an easy subject for you."
It never was. Up until then, he had always felt normal, like he was going to have a normal, mundane life that he could easily predict. Having feelings for a man-- a *married* man, at that-- was something Satsuma never saw coming; and that wasn't counting the life and attitude-altering experience of being chucked into some mysterious new world and then being expected to lead an organization to preserve the boundary between that world and theirs. Satsuma knew he wasn't the unsure, reluctant detective that he was 10 years ago. But his emotions when concerning Suguru never seemed to change. And as much as the thought of loving Suguru made him feel good, it just as much made him feel sick. Sick that he could not only have the gall to love a man, but to love a man that loved his wife, loved his children, loved the life that he had.
And it made him feel just as sick that he had the most amazing nights of pleasure he had ever experienced at that man's hands. The hands that should've belonged to his wife's and hers alone.
But the fact that he never should have been touched by those hands didn't change the fact that he was; and the memories of those stolen nights would always rest on the edge of his waking mind, reminding him in more ways than one that they happened and all of it was the best sex he had ever had. Already, the thought of one of those nights threatened to derail his train of thought by awakening parts of his body that he didn't want to see active. Not again. Not now. Not without Suguru. 'Damn it.'
"Masaru is as valuable a member of this team as any of us, and I'm not about to have him leave simply because his presence reminds me of a man I never should have loved." Satsuma suddenly said firmly after an uncomfortable silence. Kudamon seemed surprised; he wasn't going to say anything to indicate that Masaru's removal from DATS would fix any petty emotional problems.
"I question his methods, but.. I will admit he's surprisingly effective." Kudamon replied. "I suppose it's futile to ask if something else is bothering you?"
"No, I--" Satsuma stopped himself before committing that verbal crutch again. 'You're not fine, Satsuma. And you know it. You're threatening to get another hard-on because of one of those moments with him in that love hotel.' He reserved to just be silent for a moment to find something else that was more accurate to his feelings but still discreet enough to not alarm his Partner Digimon.
"My memories of him are stronger than they should be, I suppose. I apologize."
"If I might make a suggestion, you should take time for yourself and try to sort things out." Kudamon told him. "I can't guarantee that you won't feel any better afterwards, but perhaps being alone with your thoughts and something you enjoy doing in your spare time will ease your stress over it."
Satsuma thought for a moment when he caught a totally unintentional double-entandre in what his partner said. He suddenly looked shocked, and Kudamon could see his eyes widen behind his dark glasses. Surely, Kudamon couldn't have suggested something like...!
"...Kudamon," He said after clearing his throat uncomfortably. "I wouldn't stoop that low. I'm not some randy teenager with a dirty magazine."
Kudamon was taken aback by Satsuma's sudden accusation. "What are you talking about? I wasn't suggesting anything inappropriate."
Satsuma fell silent, wanting to smack himself for putting that out in the open. 'Has the resurgence of his memories made me that desperate to feel him touch me again...?' An all-too familiar twinge buried deep between the pants of his uniform seemed all-too eager to tell him so.
He heard Kudamon clear his throat as well before the pipe fox said, "...But I won't deny that will help, too."
Ah, he could always count on the Digimon to speak his mind and think little of the consequences. He had known the human for so long, he could say many things that would otherwise offend him if said by anyone else. As much as Satsuma didn't want to hear the truth, he began to think that perhaps the only way he could deal with Suguru's memories was if he confronted them head-on.
He didn't really think about why he did, but Satsuma got up out of the chair and walked towards the sliding windows. He looked out at the city below- the busyness and anonymity that was Yokohama and its bay in the early afternoon- and stared, absent-mindedly thinking of ways he could figure out how to confront his feelings. As much as Kudamon wanted to ask him what he was doing, he felt he had already asked enough questions and resolved to stay silent. Even as the captain began to pace, (a pace that looked like it was hiding something a tad uncomfortable in his walk) Kudamon didn't say anything. Human emotions, as his partner said, were a complicated lot and not in his place to try to figure out.
Finally, Satsuma let out a frustrated sigh and crossed his arms. "Kudamon."
"Yes?"
"I want you to keep an eye on the command center for a while. I'm going to the locker rooms to wash my thoughts out." As he walked towards the door, he continued, "You have the responsibility of making sure everything runs smoothly and that the team stays alert and focused should a wild Digimon appear."
"I understand." Kudamon loyally followed his partner out the door, hoping in the back of his mind that his advice would find some way to untangle the messy human emotions that Satsuma found himself bound up in.
---
So, the command center would be kept under control. Satsuma had great faith in Kudamon's abilities- after all, he was the one who taught the captain to have a backbone so long ago. Masaru, Tohma, Yoshino.. they would all be fine under his command for the moment. He felt he just had to keep telling himself that, every time he thought that perhaps going to confront his feelings was going to be something he couldn't handle.
In truth, there wasn't much that was stopping Satsuma from turning on his heels and returning back to his duties. He could be at the mercy of Suguru's memories all day and push it back into the depths of his mind, as he had been finding himself doing ever since Masaru arrived. It was a habit that Satsuma had developed in his years at DATS' forefront, to put his personal matters behind his work. He felt he had to, after all: the one day he decides to sleep in, a Digimon would appear and he'd be scrambling to clean up the mess before Chief Hashiba of the Confidentiality Ministry crowed at him for almost exposing Digimon to the public at large. Granted, that hadn't happened just yet, but he had enough experience in his work to never let his guard down for an instant.
But now, he didn't have any choice but to attend to his "personal matters". They had been put on the back burner for long enough and demanded that the captain either face them or face the consequences of denying himself. Talking to Kudamon, as he had found, had just put them out in the open and looked him in the eye as if to say, "You can't ignore me forever. You still love Suguru after all of these years, and you're going to have to face that fact."
When he finally made it to the locker room, he went in and carefully made sure that no one was inside. It wasn't the only locker room in the building, but it was one that Satsuma was known to frequently use to change in and out of his uniform. As far as he knew, he was only going to take a shower to clear his mind- but, he thought, it wouldn't hurt to lock the door in case anyone decided to barge in on him. He wanted privacy.
Oh- his uniform. Its trenchcoat wasn't exactly the easiest thing to wear, what with its shoulders being terribly bulky and having a nasty habit of having static cling in the dry winter. Undoing the large brass clip on the front and letting that coat fall off his shoulders and onto the floor was a mighty relief. The rest of the uniform was much easier to wear, considering that it could easily pass for a person's "normal" attire, if needed.
The only thing that wasn't quite normal about it was the tent in his pants. Satsuma slapped his forehead and groaned in frustration. Yes, he realized that remembering the times Suguru had fucked him turned him on, but it had never felt like this! In fact, the last time he could ever remember being this horny was in college... if he could even remember the intimate details of his sex life. He'd never even considered himself a sexual man- perhaps one or two one-night stands or a few nights with a girlfriend back in high school, but he had never given much of a damn about sex until Suguru came along.
Satsuma bit his lip, knowing that he'd have to undress if he ever want to take a shower and feel better. Yes, he wanted to confront his feelings about Suguru, but this was ridiculous! Pulling his turtleneck off over his head and unzipping his ankle-high boots were easy enough in themselves, but actually unbuckling his belt and unzipping his pants were much harder- especially since the mere thought of contact with the painful bulge made it twitch. And he didn't even want to think about it as he pulled his pants off his legs, which made his eyes well at the sensation. 'Damn it!'
He closed his eyes as he grasped the waistband of his underwear, knowing full well what he was going to see; and it make his stomach turn. It had been so long since he had such a raging hard-on that he wasn't sure how hard and how fast it was going to hit him. There wasn't any turning back now, he resolved before quickly pulling them down and off his legs. Freed from its confines, Satsuma was brought face-to-face with what he had been trying to avoid, of course standing fully erect and begging for attention. The sudden and almost overwhelming reaction shocked him and he reeled back, almost making him stumble in his steps.
'What the hell--!?'
He knew he had to be too old for this sort of thing-- but there it was, as eager and as overwhelming as it was when he was a so much younger man. No.. maybe even moreso than when he was a so much younger man!
It was difficult to walk when engorged like that, but nevertheless, Satsuma reached for a towel and shut himself into a small shower stall- not the largest in the world, but certainly not cramped quarters. It was enough to get the job done and get it done comfortably. He hoped beyond anything else as he turned on the hot water that he'd come out of all of this feeling better.
Yet somehow, he wasn't sure how that could possibly happen. He tried to reach for a washcloth and a bottle of body soap, but the water against his body--let alone his painfully hard cock-- didn't make things much easier. He sighed shakily, sinking to the tiled floor and watching the water fall. His erection still stood out at him, as if to stare at him and mock him for his inhibitions. How could he possibly just sit there like an idiot and let half-vivid memories of being fucked by Suguru cripple him like this? He had work to do, and here he was: sitting in a shower stall, looking dumbstruck at his own arousal.
'What are you afraid of, Rentarou?' he asked himself, burying his face in his hands. 'Have you really become so consumed with your work that you've forgotten that you're human?' He wasn't sure how to answer his own question, let alone what was holding him back.
He knew staring at his erection would never make it go away- if anything, it would just make things worse knowing that it was there and demanding to be handled. He wasn't sure what to think as he stood back up and finally grabbed the washcloth and body soap, unsure what he would end up doing to himself the moment his fingers made contact with his own skin.
Squirting a substantial amount of the soap into a washcloth, a quick session of scraping it together in a quick motion produced a thick lather. He reached up and started scrubbing his shoulder, being brisk and efficient about soaping himself up at first; but was quickly reminded that as much as he tried to glaze over it, his body was still at the mercy of his memories of Suguru. Satsuma's scrubbing ground to a halt, screaming at himself as to what the hell he was doing.
'Idiot, stop hiding!' He thought bitterly, clutching the soapy cloth to his chest in defeat. 'What are you, a coward? You need him. You need to feel him touch you. Feel him kiss you. Suck you. You need to feel him fuck you.'
"I want it..." he murmured, unsure why he even said it aloud. "Just once..."
His free hand absent-mindedly grazed against his inner thigh, trying to capture the actual emotion that belonged to a memory- hands that, while a little smaller than his own, would massage his thighs, never once touching his cock before the professor knew the detective was ready. A faint whisper of a moan escaped Satsuma's lips, making him believe that now, there was no turning back from the emotions he had let loose on his body.
He was shocked with how sensitive everything was- he wondered if it had really been so long that he had forgotten just how good it was to be touched. His hands shook as he continued easing up the tempo of his scrubbing, purposely dodging areas that felt too sensitive to be grazed. He remembered Suguru knew just how to deal with them. 'He even knew just how slow I enjoyed it...'
Yes... slow. Slow and sweet. Delicious torture that zapped into every nerve, and Suguru knew just how to draw it out to a point that left him more of a begging puddle of lust than a man. Masochistic, much? Perhaps, but he loved it. It meant that a job was being done and being done well.
Leaning back against one of the side walls, Satsuma leaned his head back further and allowed his hands to surrender to the moment and explore. He remembered Suguru's hands, somehow trying to imagine that his hands were the professor's instead- that it was Suguru's hands that were scrubbing his neck and upper shoulders with a gentle roughness. That it was Suguru's hands that moved the washcloth down and lathered his toned stomach before moving up to his chest. That it was Suguru's hands that dared to scrub and rake a sensitive nipple, while the other hand gently rubbed and pinched its twin to a sore stiffness.
"Nnh..."
Satsuma's breathing began to quicken, the steam and heat of the shower adding to the deep flush in his face. Damn, it felt so good to be touched again! He only wished that it really was Suguru trying to fuck him in the shower stall instead of his own hands trying to be his imitations... 'But why should I stop imagining it's him? He's making this feel so good...'
He raised his leg up so that it would contact with the wall, turning his attention back to his inner thighs. God, he loved it when Suguru would bury his face in his legs, gently licking so tantilizingly close to where he truly wanted Suguru's mouth to be. It never failed to drive him crazy, despite any moral inhibitions. The hand with the washcloth stalled at his knee, while the other one gently caressed his inner thighs with feather-light touches. His mouth gaped at the sensation, choking any noise that wanted to come out to indicate his pleasure. So close.. so close to where he wanted, yet not quite.
"Yes..." he whispered, almost unable to hear himself though the drowning sound of the shower. "Right there..."
His hand only barely brushed his erection when the need to grab it and stroke it for all it was worth became too much to bear. He had only been given tremors and teases up until this point, but as much as he wanted to hammer himself to a one-minute orgasm, it wouldn't be right; Suguru wouldn't do it like that. He still played it slow, almost as if to ignore his own needs to fulfill Satsuma's. The captain decided that as much as he wanted to beat himself hard, in his mind Suguru was in the place of his hands.
Casting the long-spent washcloth to the tile floor, Satsuma carefully closed his hand around his aching arousal, the mere touch from it eliciting a shocked gasp. He'd *have* to go slow- any quicker this soon would surely overwhelm him. Adjusting the position his raised leg had on the wall before him, he gently began to pump his hand up and down, the motion so intense that it misted his eyes. 'Yes... this is what I've been looking for, Suguru...!' He thought, submersing himself in the memory of Suguru tenderly stroking his cock.
As he gradually began to pick up the pace, he'd also remember what else Suguru did to overwhelm him. Granted, Suguru had never performed full-out oral sex on him, but he did remember that the professor would tenderly kiss its head and bathe its length with just the same. His extra hand gently caressed up it to try pinpoint the exact feeling- it could never compare to the real thing, but just the thought and attempt was enough to coax a soft moan from deep in the captain's throat.
What else... oh, yes. Satsuma's wandering free hand decided to tenderly but firmly massage his testicles, which was what Suguru was also very good at. Knowing how Suguru had massaged and played with them made Satsuma better appreciate their shape, their texture, and their sensitivity, most of all. Yes.. the professor had unwittingly taught him how to better appreciate what his body really wanted, and now it was all coming into practice.
He leaned his head back against the wall, looking up at the ceiling as he breathed loud and hard with his ministrations. He felt dizzy, like his release could trip him up and cause him bodily harm. But in his current state of mind, that was the least of his worries. He wanted Suguru to cum inside him and fast. He imagined Suguru picking up the pace, whispering Satsuma's name into his ear as he pounded into the captain again and again, wanting just as much to feel the explosion of feeling.
'Suguru... Suguru, I can't wait anymore!'
"...Suguru...!" He thought the words loud and clear, but saying it aloud only made it come out as a choked whisper. It was almost as if Suguru was pumping in and out of him right now, giving him the remedy to his confused and stressed emotional state. It was a bliss, a drug, an escape from the world that he wanted to desperately to hide from, even if just for a moment.
He wasn't sure when or how long he had been pumping himself, but it was definitely long enough for his body- a hoarse, sharp bellow, and Satsuma spilled into the stall what had to be the largest load he could remember producing from something simple like masturbating. Much of it splattered against the wall, dripping down as the shower water began diluting it to a consistency that made it slide off the walls and down the drain. Satsuma shook in the aftermath of this bizarre orgasm, trying not to slip as he brought his foot down from off the wall.
He slid back down to sit, trying to collect his rampaging thoughts. Before, all he could think about was Suguru fucking him and making him feel like he was in heaven. Now... he wasn't sure what to think. 'I just jerked off to Professor Daimon and I'm supposed to feel good about that?' Yes, now he wasn't so desperate to be with Suguru after all of that, but... Right now, all he could do was sit back in his daze and watch his semen be washed down the shower drain like so much dirt and grime to be washed off-- emotional dirt and grime.
Maybe confronting his feelings for Suguru like this did make him feel better. Nevertheless, it still didn't change the fact that deep down, he was still both desperate and ashamed of these feelings; but would Suguru ever return? Was he even alive after all of this time? And even if he did come back, would he still want to give Satsuma that one last night of heaven that brought him to this state?
As far as he knew, he only had mental images--pictures, if you will-- of Professor Daimon. Pictures that he could've sworn just gave him the pleasure that he had forgotten after all of these years.
---
The door to the command center opened, and if Masaru didn't know any better, Captain Satsuma looked.. satisfied. He wasn't even sure why, but something in the way he walked and looked around the room that seemed to indicate that, wherever the captain was while Kudamon had command, it did him quite a bit of good.
"I apologize for my brief absence," he began in the commanding voice that Masaru was all-too familiar with. "but now I am retrieving command from my partner once again. I expect that everyone went about their business as if I was here."
"Yes, sir," came the voices of the two operators and Yoshino. (Tohma, being on an investigation mission with Gaomon, probably had no clue that the captain had to take a break.)
"Ah, welcome back, captain." The boy said, only getting a nod from Satsuma in response. Kudamon, on the other hand, immediately lept from the command console and back onto his partner's shoulders, noticing that something... was different. Not like what he had seen earlier, but something that seemed to make Satsuma appear content in some way.
"You look better," Kudamon commented, a look of relief passing on his long face. "I assume you found what you were searching for?"
"Perhaps.." Satsuma replied quietly, the memories of what went on moments before in the shower stall ever fresh in his mind. "My feelings for him may never weaken like I would want them to. But.. if I didn't confront them and appreciate his memory, I would've never been able to live my life."
"I see." Kudamon replied after a short silence. "If in any case, you--"
Kudamon was interrupted when the alarm blared into the room, the lights going out and being replaced by a flashing red and orange one. The room immediately became active as Satsuma quickly turned to his console.
"Status!"
"A Digimon has just appeared in Point 328, the Chinatown district!" Megumi reported, swiftly typing into her console to bring up the exact Digimon and its final whereabouts.
"Tohma is ETA 3 minutes and 15 seconds to the target, I've already sent him a message to rendezvous with it!" Miki also reported, turning to face Satsuma. The captain couldn't help but smile for a moment, thinking that something--or someone-- kept the Digimon away while he was "searching" for his feelings.
"Satsuma," Kudamon said with an annoyed look. "Now isn't the time to be jovial about anything, there's work to be done."
"I know." He turned to the two youths and their Partner Digimon, regaining his stern look and commanding air. "Masaru. Yoshino. Tohma should be able to get it under control, but I want you two to catch up with him in case it gets ugly. Move out!"
"Yes, sir!"
---
End
Oh, and a disclaimer for you legal people: Digimon isn't mine, neither is its characters. Don't sue me for making them fuck each other. XP
Pictures of You
by DigistarDBZ
===
I've been looking so long at these pictures of you
That I almost believe that they're real
I've been living so long with my pictures of you
That I almost believe that the pictures are
All I can feel...
The Cure -"Pictures of You"
===
"Is something bothering you?"
Satsuma always hated it when Kudamon asked that question. It never helped that his Partner Digimon always rested around his shoulders-- so any facial expressions, however minor, indicating emotions out-of-the-ordinary for the DATS Captain would be caught by him in an instant. It also never helped that the response was almost always the same:
"No, I'm fine."
And Kudamon would always know better, but usually drop the subject out of respect. Kudamon had known his partner long enough to know that insisting on an answer wouldn't get him one anyway.
Somehow, this time was different. This was a small expression- a twinge, if you would- that seemed to occasionally cross Satsuma's face ever since one 14-year-old Daimon Masaru wound up at DATS' front doorstep. It had been so long, it took a little while for Kudamon to remember just what that expression indicated. Something familiar- no- something that only started when Masaru arrived and bringing his last name with him.
"I would normally let it be that, but I know he's on your mind again."
Satsuma was a little annoyed that Kudamon would press the issue, especially seeing as he wasn't the only person in the control center. But, perhaps... maybe actually being able to talk to someone who knew what was quietly eating at him would be soothing.
Getting to a position in which he could talk about it, however, was a bit of a different story. Simply walking out the door and hoping someone wouldn't hear him talk about intimate details was easier said than done.
"..We'll talk about it when we have time to ourselves. Now isn't the time to discuss matters like that."
Again, personal matters would have to wait. As usual. Inside, knowing that they had to wait to be even brought into the open with someone else made his feelings swell to an even more uncomfortable degree- having to see the boy out of the corner of his eye and all of his resemblance to the father that gave these feelings life would only make things worse.
Daimon Suguru... a man that vanished 10 years ago, taking the captain's heart with him.
---
"It's been 10 years, Kudamon," Satsuma said quietly inside of his personal office, placing his head in one of his hands over the desk. "It shouldn't have to feel like this. Not anywhere like this."
"Feelings are a complicated matter that I really don't think I can remedy." Kudamon replied in a similar tone, turning his head down slightly. He was in the rare position of not being curled around his partner's shoulders, but rather standing on the desk before him. Being in his usual position wouldn't be appropriate or practical in a situation like this. "Especially when it comes to things like love. Digimon have different conceptions of how love is supposed to be."
"I don't expect you to understand any of it." Satsuma reassured the pipe fox-like Digimon with a small, melancholy smile. "Love in humans is as complicated as it comes to understanding. And all of this seemed under control until Masaru came to unwittingly remind me of Suguru."
"I do know that's never been an easy subject for you."
It never was. Up until then, he had always felt normal, like he was going to have a normal, mundane life that he could easily predict. Having feelings for a man-- a *married* man, at that-- was something Satsuma never saw coming; and that wasn't counting the life and attitude-altering experience of being chucked into some mysterious new world and then being expected to lead an organization to preserve the boundary between that world and theirs. Satsuma knew he wasn't the unsure, reluctant detective that he was 10 years ago. But his emotions when concerning Suguru never seemed to change. And as much as the thought of loving Suguru made him feel good, it just as much made him feel sick. Sick that he could not only have the gall to love a man, but to love a man that loved his wife, loved his children, loved the life that he had.
And it made him feel just as sick that he had the most amazing nights of pleasure he had ever experienced at that man's hands. The hands that should've belonged to his wife's and hers alone.
But the fact that he never should have been touched by those hands didn't change the fact that he was; and the memories of those stolen nights would always rest on the edge of his waking mind, reminding him in more ways than one that they happened and all of it was the best sex he had ever had. Already, the thought of one of those nights threatened to derail his train of thought by awakening parts of his body that he didn't want to see active. Not again. Not now. Not without Suguru. 'Damn it.'
"Masaru is as valuable a member of this team as any of us, and I'm not about to have him leave simply because his presence reminds me of a man I never should have loved." Satsuma suddenly said firmly after an uncomfortable silence. Kudamon seemed surprised; he wasn't going to say anything to indicate that Masaru's removal from DATS would fix any petty emotional problems.
"I question his methods, but.. I will admit he's surprisingly effective." Kudamon replied. "I suppose it's futile to ask if something else is bothering you?"
"No, I--" Satsuma stopped himself before committing that verbal crutch again. 'You're not fine, Satsuma. And you know it. You're threatening to get another hard-on because of one of those moments with him in that love hotel.' He reserved to just be silent for a moment to find something else that was more accurate to his feelings but still discreet enough to not alarm his Partner Digimon.
"My memories of him are stronger than they should be, I suppose. I apologize."
"If I might make a suggestion, you should take time for yourself and try to sort things out." Kudamon told him. "I can't guarantee that you won't feel any better afterwards, but perhaps being alone with your thoughts and something you enjoy doing in your spare time will ease your stress over it."
Satsuma thought for a moment when he caught a totally unintentional double-entandre in what his partner said. He suddenly looked shocked, and Kudamon could see his eyes widen behind his dark glasses. Surely, Kudamon couldn't have suggested something like...!
"...Kudamon," He said after clearing his throat uncomfortably. "I wouldn't stoop that low. I'm not some randy teenager with a dirty magazine."
Kudamon was taken aback by Satsuma's sudden accusation. "What are you talking about? I wasn't suggesting anything inappropriate."
Satsuma fell silent, wanting to smack himself for putting that out in the open. 'Has the resurgence of his memories made me that desperate to feel him touch me again...?' An all-too familiar twinge buried deep between the pants of his uniform seemed all-too eager to tell him so.
He heard Kudamon clear his throat as well before the pipe fox said, "...But I won't deny that will help, too."
Ah, he could always count on the Digimon to speak his mind and think little of the consequences. He had known the human for so long, he could say many things that would otherwise offend him if said by anyone else. As much as Satsuma didn't want to hear the truth, he began to think that perhaps the only way he could deal with Suguru's memories was if he confronted them head-on.
He didn't really think about why he did, but Satsuma got up out of the chair and walked towards the sliding windows. He looked out at the city below- the busyness and anonymity that was Yokohama and its bay in the early afternoon- and stared, absent-mindedly thinking of ways he could figure out how to confront his feelings. As much as Kudamon wanted to ask him what he was doing, he felt he had already asked enough questions and resolved to stay silent. Even as the captain began to pace, (a pace that looked like it was hiding something a tad uncomfortable in his walk) Kudamon didn't say anything. Human emotions, as his partner said, were a complicated lot and not in his place to try to figure out.
Finally, Satsuma let out a frustrated sigh and crossed his arms. "Kudamon."
"Yes?"
"I want you to keep an eye on the command center for a while. I'm going to the locker rooms to wash my thoughts out." As he walked towards the door, he continued, "You have the responsibility of making sure everything runs smoothly and that the team stays alert and focused should a wild Digimon appear."
"I understand." Kudamon loyally followed his partner out the door, hoping in the back of his mind that his advice would find some way to untangle the messy human emotions that Satsuma found himself bound up in.
---
So, the command center would be kept under control. Satsuma had great faith in Kudamon's abilities- after all, he was the one who taught the captain to have a backbone so long ago. Masaru, Tohma, Yoshino.. they would all be fine under his command for the moment. He felt he just had to keep telling himself that, every time he thought that perhaps going to confront his feelings was going to be something he couldn't handle.
In truth, there wasn't much that was stopping Satsuma from turning on his heels and returning back to his duties. He could be at the mercy of Suguru's memories all day and push it back into the depths of his mind, as he had been finding himself doing ever since Masaru arrived. It was a habit that Satsuma had developed in his years at DATS' forefront, to put his personal matters behind his work. He felt he had to, after all: the one day he decides to sleep in, a Digimon would appear and he'd be scrambling to clean up the mess before Chief Hashiba of the Confidentiality Ministry crowed at him for almost exposing Digimon to the public at large. Granted, that hadn't happened just yet, but he had enough experience in his work to never let his guard down for an instant.
But now, he didn't have any choice but to attend to his "personal matters". They had been put on the back burner for long enough and demanded that the captain either face them or face the consequences of denying himself. Talking to Kudamon, as he had found, had just put them out in the open and looked him in the eye as if to say, "You can't ignore me forever. You still love Suguru after all of these years, and you're going to have to face that fact."
When he finally made it to the locker room, he went in and carefully made sure that no one was inside. It wasn't the only locker room in the building, but it was one that Satsuma was known to frequently use to change in and out of his uniform. As far as he knew, he was only going to take a shower to clear his mind- but, he thought, it wouldn't hurt to lock the door in case anyone decided to barge in on him. He wanted privacy.
Oh- his uniform. Its trenchcoat wasn't exactly the easiest thing to wear, what with its shoulders being terribly bulky and having a nasty habit of having static cling in the dry winter. Undoing the large brass clip on the front and letting that coat fall off his shoulders and onto the floor was a mighty relief. The rest of the uniform was much easier to wear, considering that it could easily pass for a person's "normal" attire, if needed.
The only thing that wasn't quite normal about it was the tent in his pants. Satsuma slapped his forehead and groaned in frustration. Yes, he realized that remembering the times Suguru had fucked him turned him on, but it had never felt like this! In fact, the last time he could ever remember being this horny was in college... if he could even remember the intimate details of his sex life. He'd never even considered himself a sexual man- perhaps one or two one-night stands or a few nights with a girlfriend back in high school, but he had never given much of a damn about sex until Suguru came along.
Satsuma bit his lip, knowing that he'd have to undress if he ever want to take a shower and feel better. Yes, he wanted to confront his feelings about Suguru, but this was ridiculous! Pulling his turtleneck off over his head and unzipping his ankle-high boots were easy enough in themselves, but actually unbuckling his belt and unzipping his pants were much harder- especially since the mere thought of contact with the painful bulge made it twitch. And he didn't even want to think about it as he pulled his pants off his legs, which made his eyes well at the sensation. 'Damn it!'
He closed his eyes as he grasped the waistband of his underwear, knowing full well what he was going to see; and it make his stomach turn. It had been so long since he had such a raging hard-on that he wasn't sure how hard and how fast it was going to hit him. There wasn't any turning back now, he resolved before quickly pulling them down and off his legs. Freed from its confines, Satsuma was brought face-to-face with what he had been trying to avoid, of course standing fully erect and begging for attention. The sudden and almost overwhelming reaction shocked him and he reeled back, almost making him stumble in his steps.
'What the hell--!?'
He knew he had to be too old for this sort of thing-- but there it was, as eager and as overwhelming as it was when he was a so much younger man. No.. maybe even moreso than when he was a so much younger man!
It was difficult to walk when engorged like that, but nevertheless, Satsuma reached for a towel and shut himself into a small shower stall- not the largest in the world, but certainly not cramped quarters. It was enough to get the job done and get it done comfortably. He hoped beyond anything else as he turned on the hot water that he'd come out of all of this feeling better.
Yet somehow, he wasn't sure how that could possibly happen. He tried to reach for a washcloth and a bottle of body soap, but the water against his body--let alone his painfully hard cock-- didn't make things much easier. He sighed shakily, sinking to the tiled floor and watching the water fall. His erection still stood out at him, as if to stare at him and mock him for his inhibitions. How could he possibly just sit there like an idiot and let half-vivid memories of being fucked by Suguru cripple him like this? He had work to do, and here he was: sitting in a shower stall, looking dumbstruck at his own arousal.
'What are you afraid of, Rentarou?' he asked himself, burying his face in his hands. 'Have you really become so consumed with your work that you've forgotten that you're human?' He wasn't sure how to answer his own question, let alone what was holding him back.
He knew staring at his erection would never make it go away- if anything, it would just make things worse knowing that it was there and demanding to be handled. He wasn't sure what to think as he stood back up and finally grabbed the washcloth and body soap, unsure what he would end up doing to himself the moment his fingers made contact with his own skin.
Squirting a substantial amount of the soap into a washcloth, a quick session of scraping it together in a quick motion produced a thick lather. He reached up and started scrubbing his shoulder, being brisk and efficient about soaping himself up at first; but was quickly reminded that as much as he tried to glaze over it, his body was still at the mercy of his memories of Suguru. Satsuma's scrubbing ground to a halt, screaming at himself as to what the hell he was doing.
'Idiot, stop hiding!' He thought bitterly, clutching the soapy cloth to his chest in defeat. 'What are you, a coward? You need him. You need to feel him touch you. Feel him kiss you. Suck you. You need to feel him fuck you.'
"I want it..." he murmured, unsure why he even said it aloud. "Just once..."
His free hand absent-mindedly grazed against his inner thigh, trying to capture the actual emotion that belonged to a memory- hands that, while a little smaller than his own, would massage his thighs, never once touching his cock before the professor knew the detective was ready. A faint whisper of a moan escaped Satsuma's lips, making him believe that now, there was no turning back from the emotions he had let loose on his body.
He was shocked with how sensitive everything was- he wondered if it had really been so long that he had forgotten just how good it was to be touched. His hands shook as he continued easing up the tempo of his scrubbing, purposely dodging areas that felt too sensitive to be grazed. He remembered Suguru knew just how to deal with them. 'He even knew just how slow I enjoyed it...'
Yes... slow. Slow and sweet. Delicious torture that zapped into every nerve, and Suguru knew just how to draw it out to a point that left him more of a begging puddle of lust than a man. Masochistic, much? Perhaps, but he loved it. It meant that a job was being done and being done well.
Leaning back against one of the side walls, Satsuma leaned his head back further and allowed his hands to surrender to the moment and explore. He remembered Suguru's hands, somehow trying to imagine that his hands were the professor's instead- that it was Suguru's hands that were scrubbing his neck and upper shoulders with a gentle roughness. That it was Suguru's hands that moved the washcloth down and lathered his toned stomach before moving up to his chest. That it was Suguru's hands that dared to scrub and rake a sensitive nipple, while the other hand gently rubbed and pinched its twin to a sore stiffness.
"Nnh..."
Satsuma's breathing began to quicken, the steam and heat of the shower adding to the deep flush in his face. Damn, it felt so good to be touched again! He only wished that it really was Suguru trying to fuck him in the shower stall instead of his own hands trying to be his imitations... 'But why should I stop imagining it's him? He's making this feel so good...'
He raised his leg up so that it would contact with the wall, turning his attention back to his inner thighs. God, he loved it when Suguru would bury his face in his legs, gently licking so tantilizingly close to where he truly wanted Suguru's mouth to be. It never failed to drive him crazy, despite any moral inhibitions. The hand with the washcloth stalled at his knee, while the other one gently caressed his inner thighs with feather-light touches. His mouth gaped at the sensation, choking any noise that wanted to come out to indicate his pleasure. So close.. so close to where he wanted, yet not quite.
"Yes..." he whispered, almost unable to hear himself though the drowning sound of the shower. "Right there..."
His hand only barely brushed his erection when the need to grab it and stroke it for all it was worth became too much to bear. He had only been given tremors and teases up until this point, but as much as he wanted to hammer himself to a one-minute orgasm, it wouldn't be right; Suguru wouldn't do it like that. He still played it slow, almost as if to ignore his own needs to fulfill Satsuma's. The captain decided that as much as he wanted to beat himself hard, in his mind Suguru was in the place of his hands.
Casting the long-spent washcloth to the tile floor, Satsuma carefully closed his hand around his aching arousal, the mere touch from it eliciting a shocked gasp. He'd *have* to go slow- any quicker this soon would surely overwhelm him. Adjusting the position his raised leg had on the wall before him, he gently began to pump his hand up and down, the motion so intense that it misted his eyes. 'Yes... this is what I've been looking for, Suguru...!' He thought, submersing himself in the memory of Suguru tenderly stroking his cock.
As he gradually began to pick up the pace, he'd also remember what else Suguru did to overwhelm him. Granted, Suguru had never performed full-out oral sex on him, but he did remember that the professor would tenderly kiss its head and bathe its length with just the same. His extra hand gently caressed up it to try pinpoint the exact feeling- it could never compare to the real thing, but just the thought and attempt was enough to coax a soft moan from deep in the captain's throat.
What else... oh, yes. Satsuma's wandering free hand decided to tenderly but firmly massage his testicles, which was what Suguru was also very good at. Knowing how Suguru had massaged and played with them made Satsuma better appreciate their shape, their texture, and their sensitivity, most of all. Yes.. the professor had unwittingly taught him how to better appreciate what his body really wanted, and now it was all coming into practice.
He leaned his head back against the wall, looking up at the ceiling as he breathed loud and hard with his ministrations. He felt dizzy, like his release could trip him up and cause him bodily harm. But in his current state of mind, that was the least of his worries. He wanted Suguru to cum inside him and fast. He imagined Suguru picking up the pace, whispering Satsuma's name into his ear as he pounded into the captain again and again, wanting just as much to feel the explosion of feeling.
'Suguru... Suguru, I can't wait anymore!'
"...Suguru...!" He thought the words loud and clear, but saying it aloud only made it come out as a choked whisper. It was almost as if Suguru was pumping in and out of him right now, giving him the remedy to his confused and stressed emotional state. It was a bliss, a drug, an escape from the world that he wanted to desperately to hide from, even if just for a moment.
He wasn't sure when or how long he had been pumping himself, but it was definitely long enough for his body- a hoarse, sharp bellow, and Satsuma spilled into the stall what had to be the largest load he could remember producing from something simple like masturbating. Much of it splattered against the wall, dripping down as the shower water began diluting it to a consistency that made it slide off the walls and down the drain. Satsuma shook in the aftermath of this bizarre orgasm, trying not to slip as he brought his foot down from off the wall.
He slid back down to sit, trying to collect his rampaging thoughts. Before, all he could think about was Suguru fucking him and making him feel like he was in heaven. Now... he wasn't sure what to think. 'I just jerked off to Professor Daimon and I'm supposed to feel good about that?' Yes, now he wasn't so desperate to be with Suguru after all of that, but... Right now, all he could do was sit back in his daze and watch his semen be washed down the shower drain like so much dirt and grime to be washed off-- emotional dirt and grime.
Maybe confronting his feelings for Suguru like this did make him feel better. Nevertheless, it still didn't change the fact that deep down, he was still both desperate and ashamed of these feelings; but would Suguru ever return? Was he even alive after all of this time? And even if he did come back, would he still want to give Satsuma that one last night of heaven that brought him to this state?
As far as he knew, he only had mental images--pictures, if you will-- of Professor Daimon. Pictures that he could've sworn just gave him the pleasure that he had forgotten after all of these years.
---
The door to the command center opened, and if Masaru didn't know any better, Captain Satsuma looked.. satisfied. He wasn't even sure why, but something in the way he walked and looked around the room that seemed to indicate that, wherever the captain was while Kudamon had command, it did him quite a bit of good.
"I apologize for my brief absence," he began in the commanding voice that Masaru was all-too familiar with. "but now I am retrieving command from my partner once again. I expect that everyone went about their business as if I was here."
"Yes, sir," came the voices of the two operators and Yoshino. (Tohma, being on an investigation mission with Gaomon, probably had no clue that the captain had to take a break.)
"Ah, welcome back, captain." The boy said, only getting a nod from Satsuma in response. Kudamon, on the other hand, immediately lept from the command console and back onto his partner's shoulders, noticing that something... was different. Not like what he had seen earlier, but something that seemed to make Satsuma appear content in some way.
"You look better," Kudamon commented, a look of relief passing on his long face. "I assume you found what you were searching for?"
"Perhaps.." Satsuma replied quietly, the memories of what went on moments before in the shower stall ever fresh in his mind. "My feelings for him may never weaken like I would want them to. But.. if I didn't confront them and appreciate his memory, I would've never been able to live my life."
"I see." Kudamon replied after a short silence. "If in any case, you--"
Kudamon was interrupted when the alarm blared into the room, the lights going out and being replaced by a flashing red and orange one. The room immediately became active as Satsuma quickly turned to his console.
"Status!"
"A Digimon has just appeared in Point 328, the Chinatown district!" Megumi reported, swiftly typing into her console to bring up the exact Digimon and its final whereabouts.
"Tohma is ETA 3 minutes and 15 seconds to the target, I've already sent him a message to rendezvous with it!" Miki also reported, turning to face Satsuma. The captain couldn't help but smile for a moment, thinking that something--or someone-- kept the Digimon away while he was "searching" for his feelings.
"Satsuma," Kudamon said with an annoyed look. "Now isn't the time to be jovial about anything, there's work to be done."
"I know." He turned to the two youths and their Partner Digimon, regaining his stern look and commanding air. "Masaru. Yoshino. Tohma should be able to get it under control, but I want you two to catch up with him in case it gets ugly. Move out!"
"Yes, sir!"
---
End
