Eh, why not?

[That One Internet Guy]

I'm always up for some constructive critiscism to help me get better at writing; feel free to either boost the size of my E-Penis or make me cry like a little girl on my newest story so far.


[color=blue]Kajarabi was a peaceful little village, a small farming community in Western Rwanda that harvested fruits, vegetables and other food products. The residents of the village were honest, hardworking people, who tended to their crops and took care of their families from sun up

[Marine]

Well unfortunately, this critique will crush that E-penis of yours...

1) Your opening scene doesn't really seem to strike off the page and gather my interest. In this case, you shouldn't limit your opening description to one paragraph. Each piece of setting offered in that paragraph could be expanded tenfold, a picutre within themselves, to establish a relative mood within this small community.

Detail setting:
What kind of crops were harvested?
How is the town isolated? (Physical Geography)
What kind of shops are there?

*Now you can show this in several ways; through the narrator, the author (you), or through the character. Considering your character starts sitting outside his home, I suggest you fix the perspective through his eyes.*

2) The vendor seemed a bit bland. When Domaco meets this vendor, he sneses something special (or mysterious) about him, however, you never instill to the reader WHAT makes the vendor stand out. This involves some good characterization.

For Example:

He (the vendor) smelled of exposed iron. The sweat glistening his forehead odered of rain water siphoning from an industrial plant, heavy metallic, drifting in the summer wafts. His bottle-green tunic was soaked in it. When he made eye contact with Domaco, he grinned, stuffed his soled thumbs inside his straw belt loops.

*Its very vague, yes, but it try's to establish a unique impression that character leaves on the protagonist and that unto the reader.*

3) Your action scenes are too long. Most of them have monotonous sentences; sentences structures that repeat on a continuous basis. They seem overloaded with information as well. Take for instance the Browning Pistol Domaco uses: the author gave us the exact pistol type, which to some readers may find a bit boring and plain, sometimes a bit frusturated that they have to look up google to see what it looks like. There's no need to get into serious specificities such as model type (or serial number). Just write that it's a Springfield Bolt-Action, Beretta, Deasert Eagle, or MP5 Navy, something that is simplistic to the reader.

Now for your action scenes. Beware of the word 'as' in writing, for it weakens the effect of the sentence and is often used in the wrong way. Take for instance: 'His handgun jerked twice as a pair of .45 slugs exited the gun and dug themselves into the insurgent

[That One Internet Guy]

Ghost edited the paper, following Marine's suggestions carefully. Satisfied with his work, he messaged back; "Edited, try it again." Remembering what he had mentioned about the guns, Ghost added a bit more; "I was in the military, remember? Providing a hearty amount of info on a gun is my specialty :) ".

[Herr Mullen]

Well, I've finally got 'round to doing this. Let's take a look.

I don't like the introduction. Is the town's name even Rwandian? They seem to prefer "y"s to "j"s, and "li" rather than "bi". The narration feels dry: would that really hold your interest? It's a drab and dull explaination of local economics that neglects to mention transport and also ignores the fact that if it were to grow it wouldn't be nearly so idealic. Well done on potatos though, but I'd make mention of coffe, or tea, maybe the growth of the soap and furature industries. The narration is boring, to put it plainly. It lacks personality, and feels more like an story for a year five geography class where the teacher has said "Okay: tell me about Rwanda, children. You could paint a picture, or write a story. The paper is over there." Okay, a high-level class, but below standards for anyone with more than a high "D" in GCSE grade English Litrature.

I see you've read the wikipedia entery on Rwanda's economy. That won't help you: you need to read accounts from people who've been there rather than look it up in an encycopedia in hope of being able to show an entire culture. It certainly wouldn't let you look at dialect.

I don't think he'd wear boots, as opposed to something sencible like nothing or sandles.

You wouldn't get strawaberries there. Too hot. Look to France for those.

"Tool of the gods"? Rwanada is 56.5% Catholic: less than 0.1% believe in "Original beliefs". There are no major polythesistic religions in Rwanda.

I don't know what you're saying about his teeth.

Rwanda is not known for it's thriving dental industry.

I don't realise it would be a Digimon fiction. Chibomon has some immediate personality.

Repeatition of "handgun". Doesn't sound good.

Here comes the gungho yankee supersoldier archetype. It bores me, more than anything. I'd rather see him run: it might actually give the sence that the rebles are threats and make me care, if you were to do it right. Currently, I know they're going to get their heads blown off, or some such.

Oh, I was right.

This guy is too experienced to be a civilian. He also has no personality, and, from what we've seen, no friends.

Terrorist? What are you talking about? What you've discribed is an insergent. Terrorists are little buggers who like to target crowded places with bombs, not guns. He's been a rebel for the rest of the time: why change now?

I don't know if Rwanda has parking tickets.

What's a "massive"?

How is it that an organised gurrilla trained band of soldiers would be out-gunned by a civilian?

The Digimon don't understand the process of Digivolution.

Yeah, this arguement strikes me as poorly thought-out and rather plain. People stick to their principles: they don't just get shouted at and do a complete philosphy change whilst sobbing a little. He'd go quiet, and say something vague like "But..." or "Never the less..."

So, no-one's slightly freaked out by the talking lizard?

I don't really like this story. It's a macho and boring "Us and them: one man aghainst the odds!" story where the villians aren't given any really juustification for their actions, because they're inherently evil. They'd have some kind of misguided motivation that would be backed up by their system of ethics, certainly. The only one with any personality is Veemon. The hero certainly has none: I can't even remember his name. He just swears a lot when he's in a sticky situation and saves children. Honestly, I think an insergent would have adopted it and taught it all about why they fight, and trained it as a soldier. Overall, it's just not my thing. War stories never were.

[That One Internet Guy]

"I don't really like this story. It's a macho and boring "Us and them: one man aghainst the odds!" story where the villians aren't given any really juustification for their actions, because they're inherently evil. They'd have some kind of misguided motivation that would be backed up by their system of ethics, certainly. The only one with any personality is Veemon. The hero certainly has none: I can't even remember his name. He just swears a lot when he's in a sticky situation and saves children. Honestly, I think an insergent would have adopted it and taught it all about why they fight, and trained it as a soldier. Overall, it's just not my thing. War stories never were."

This made me laugh.

Story = Fail/10. Oh well, I lost interest anyway. Thanks for the violent shove in the right diretion (...?). :D

Hopelessly generic, essentially, right? Cool.[/img]

[That One Internet Guy]

What about the other thing I posted in the Author's Domain? The one about the tank? How was that?