Forest of Peril

[DrakeRR]

http://digiartistsdomain.org/lemons/drak...fPeril.htm

Rape lemon.

Anyone want to give it a try?

[Herr Mullen]

I'll tackle it.

Why were Agumon's activities in sorting relivent to the passage? It's not very interesting, and it hardly grabs the reader. However, it does set the scene quite well. I'm actually slightly envious on the way the author has taken some handcuffs and completely chained the dialects to their characters. So far, characterisations are perfect.

Fine, nice way of establishing the lazy mood with you narrative, but really saying "Ten minutes later" is a bit of a cop out. Why not build up to Patamon's proposition? Like this:

"Patamon watched with beady eyes, keeping his breathing regular, and lids half shut, as he saw the Digidestined drift off to sleep after their meal. Matt was... he was dtifting, his eyes were blinking... yes, yes... he yawned, he yawned! Just a matter of seconds, now... yes! Finally! He's laid himself down for sleep beside TK. Patamon could make his move."

Although, concidering the state of the Digital World when Kari had joined, I doubt they'd be lazing about quite as much, and also they complained of hunger in the series, rather than glutting themselves on plentiful fruit. Besides, you should eat around six peices of fruit and vegitables a day: if you eat fruit in excess, you become quite, quite ill.

Aw, this is romanitic. I quite like this: Lord Patamon should be happy.

Ah: now we see what Agumon's snout had to do with everything. The author could have made a bigger deal of it. Like this:

""Hey, Agumon?" said Tai, holding up a large, mango-looking fruit with a thing, green-yellow skin that filled his hand, "Is this one poisonous?"

Now, this bit with the poison is mean. However, giving the nature of the sex scene I'm trying to build myself up to stomaching (I'm still not over "Two Brothers"), I'm sure nastier things will follow. Very well written, though. Good discription: the reader doesn't empathise, but sympathy seems to be the main objective of the narration, anyway. It's less like a novel, and more like a painting: good to look at, but fall into it and the curator will want a word and a very large check from you.

Gatomon is cool. I love this whole portrail of her: mature, kind, responcible, and intelligent.

However, the format is starting to grate on my nerves. Indents should be used for the begining of every new paragraph. They have no dashes in them, and aren't only used for dialogue. It's really easy to read, but not actually correct.

We already know we hate these villians. Fantastic throw back to Etemon with these chaps. Drake's done so well introducing them to us: not four of his mini-paragraphs (which are sentences), and we can already tell what kind of thing they are.

Evil, evil Gazimon.

I don't think "...As Tai was passing her," is really relivent. She was standing right next to him: she'd just grabbed him by the shirt. I don't think Gatomon or Tai would cry uselessly: I think they'd both get very angry, and have shouting match before anything else.

Characterisation with the villians and victim remains fantastic.

No complaints about the sex scene, other than "poor Kari", but I knew what I was letting myself in for.

"An hour later" is a cop out. Drake could break the paragraph off without it, and leave time to the imagination of his readers, which is worse than anything he can say. "An hour later" is the seatbelt that saves us of going through the windscreen of fear. Leave time out of it, entirely.

Well, the begining was enjoyable, and anyone with the fetish will be delighted, I'm sure.

[DrakeRR]

I'm actually slightly envious on the way the author has taken some handcuffs and completely chained the dialects to their characters. So far, characterisations are perfect.

Really? I always thought characterisation was one of my weak points...

Fine, nice way of establishing the lazy mood with you narrative, but really saying "Ten minutes later" is a bit of a cop out.

Yeah, timeframes. I gotta learn to replace them with something more interesting. Thanks for bringing it to my attention.

Although, concidering the state of the Digital World when Kari had joined, I doubt they'd be lazing about quite as much, and also they complained of hunger in the series, rather than glutting themselves on plentiful fruit.

*Sweatdrop* Ehhh... :oops:

However, the format is starting to grate on my nerves. Indents should be used for the begining of every new paragraph. They have no dashes in them, and aren't only used for dialogue. It's really easy to read, but not actually correct.

Point taken. Any suggetions on how to tackle dialogue? I like spoken text clear. This is probably a bit too clear...

I don't think Gatomon or Tai would cry uselessly: I think they'd both get very angry, and have shouting match before anything else.

I was trying to bring over the fact that Gatomon had the idea Kari was dead. :oops:

Characterisation with the villians and victim remains fantastic.

Thankyouuuuu! :o

No complaints about the sex scene, other than "poor Kari", but I knew what I was letting myself in for.
...
Well, the begining was enjoyable, and anyone with the fetish will be delighted, I'm sure.

I hate rape myself. It was more of an experiment to see if I could actually bring myself to write one. I really felt sorry for Kari... Does that make me mentally ill?

Thanks for the great review, I'll keep it in mind from now on.

[technologic]

really felt sorry for Kari... Does that make me mentally ill?

Why would you say that? Of course not.