Sagas of Elements?

[MISTER BIG T]

http://digiartistsdomain.org/phpboard/vi...0205#90205

Blah blah, free for you all to tear apart, etc.

[DragonMasterX]

Oki, I'll take this series' First chapter then, let's see how well you did on chapter zero!

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[quote=MISTER BIG T][i]One day our people rose against the Lichen. I was there

[MISTER BIG T]

"isane" deals, maybe you wanted to say.

No, I wanted to say inane. It's a real english word.

Adjective: inane (inaner, inanest)

1. Complacently or inanely foolish


By the way, this isn't very gory story aside the baby part, in my opinnion. It's more of a build up and sets the mood. The next story is too, a mood setter. The third one is where the hell is truly unleashed for the first time.


I fixed the errors you pointed out and made some other minor alternations and reposted the story. It's more awesome. I'll send it with the other proof readed episodes to DAD soon. :D

[DragonMasterX]

"isane" deals, maybe you wanted to say.

No, I wanted to say inane. It's a real english word.

Adjective: inane (inaner, inanest)

1. Complacently or inanely foolish

Oh, I had never ever heard of that word, sorry.

[MISTER BIG T]

"isane" deals, maybe you wanted to say.

No, I wanted to say inane. It's a real english word.

Adjective: inane (inaner, inanest)

1. Complacently or inanely foolish

Oh, I had never ever heard of that word, sorry.

It's allright. Learn something new everyday. :)

[DragonMasterX]

Here's the review for the whole Chapter 2!

Melisa looked at her young, beautiful daughter play with a doll. Her long, beautiful, dark hair waved in air when she played with the doll

Here, I'd rather change the second ''doll.'' for: "Toy."

[quote=MISTER BIG T]

[MISTER BIG T]

Sounds good.

[Nate Hunter]

Here's the review for the whole Chapter 2!

Melisa looked at her young, beautiful daughter play with a doll. Her long, beautiful, dark hair waved in air when she played with the doll

Here, I'd rather change the second ''doll.'' for: "Toy."

Don't be afraid to repeat. If you mean "doll", say "doll". For that same matter, many authors, myself included, fall into the trap of being afraid to say "said". Changing words un-necessarily can lead to a piecemeal seeming pieace of work.

[quote][quote=MISTER BIG T]

[MISTER BIG T]

The first Element Saga is now posted in its entirely.

[Nate Hunter]

Apologies for a double post. First off, I'd like to clarify that I don't tend to review incomplete stories as incomplete, because until they're complete, it's typically a waste of time to read through it. However, I recognize that it is also a helpful tool to help improve the quality of the writing without forcing the author to return to scratch from a nearly completed manuscript, and so I will provide my help with this.

My first comment is on the title... Sagas of Elements is a bit of a strange name, since even the most epic tale is but a single saga (a long story of heroic achievement, esp. a medieval prose narrative in Old Norse or Old Icelandic). Unless this is multiple such stories, then "Sagas" is unnecessary. My proposal on this point would be "Saga of the Elements" or even simply "(The) Saga of Elements". I would note that the former is the more proper if this is not about a person or faction known as Elements.

On your opening prologue, I feel the quote marks around "Huknar", and possibly also "Lichen", are wasteful. As you wrote "Huknar, the god of misery" it is unnecessary to bring any excess of attention to the name. People will know now throughout the story who and what Huknar is. In the context of the Lichen, the quotes may be appropriate, but if they're kept, I recommend moving the period ending that sentence inside the quote marks, so that it reads:

The terrible men from the north, we call them "Lichen."

Though often ignored in modern writing, the ellipsis, or triple-period (or triple full-stop symbol; ...) is supposed to have a space between each period or full-stop symbol when typed up. Most authors ignore this, and though I wouldn't press the issue during one's drafting phase, if you intend to publish this book in english, be ready in your final phase to add those extra spaces to your ellipses. In the section of your prologue, I do not believe that these are necessary however, and can be replaced with a comma indicating a pause to show a parenthetical comment. It would flow more smothly looking as this:

I was there, on the front line. I saw everything.

For what it matters, many commas are missing in this where they should indicate a small pause or would enclose a statement that is an intensifier.

All in all, this seems to be made up of some long and some very short chapters, when in fact I feel each post sould be portrayed simply as the scenes of a single chapter. Much action seems lost perhaps due to some difficulty in using the words to properly show that action in english, or perhaps due to a difficulty writing action in general, or perhaps even for fear of doing it poorly. I won't say which is the case, but those are three reasons I can see for skimming on the important scenes...

I apologize for cutting this short, however it seems that my time became rather more consumed than I had expected. I will finish proofreading and reviewing this as time permits.