Dawn Over A New World (Opening)

[Nate Hunter]

This is just the opening of a story I began writing yesterday, to develop the backstory of my WOW characters Zul'Ashi and Tarylian, and perhaps eventually their entire guild... at least, some of the guild.

I'm only seeking feedback on this opening paragraph, and would prefer not to go into explaining the whole plot, as currently planned, for the story. Is this an opening that would make you want to read the story? What points would you change? How would you change them? Are there any semantic issues you might like to debate on this, or points character, setting, or action you would like to discuss.

Some knowledge of the final events of WarCraft 3: Reign of Chaos is strongly recommended, but not required.

Seven feet tall, he stalked through the deep forest of Ashenvale. It had been a week since the battle of Mount Hyjal, and his body was still oozing as it burned energy to regenerate the near fatal wounds he had suffered. This was no time to rest, as Ashi hunted for sustenance, to keep his body functioning. Food had been scarce as he had come down the mountain, and that had slowed his ability to regenerate. But now food was plentiful, when he could catch it.

That's it. So far of the three people I've asked it's three positive feedbacks, but I'd like more. Please, no ego-boosts or flames -- I'm only posting this to get productive comments on what is good, bad, and what would be suitable ways to change it. I've never really worried about my hooks before, but with this story, I want to make sure it's a good hook, even to people who aren't already WarCraft fans in some way or another.

[Marine]

Quote:
Seven feet tall, he stalked through the deep forest of Ashenvale. It had been a week since the battle of Mount Hyjal, and his body was still oozing [as it burned energy to regenerate the near fatal wounds he had suffered]. This was no time to rest, as Ashi hunted for sustenance, to keep his body functioning. Food had been scarce as he had come down the mountain, and that had slowed his ability to regenerate. But now food was plentiful, when he could catch it.

Pro's:
-You focus in on the main character.
-You establish a casual problem (casual as in the first obstacle the character faces).
-The ending sentence can transition into a second paragraph.

Con's:
1) The first thing I noticed was, after the opening sentence, the rest of the paragraph was passive. You're telling us instead of showing (a.k.a the Wisemon Syndrome), which dampers the urgency, emotion, or suspense your character (and the reader) feels. You'd hook more people if you show what the character had suffered and what 'food' is.

2) The bracketed section above feels a bit overloaded combined with the sentence. It just feels you're trying to push a information into one sentence.

That's all I got for now, hope it helps.

[Wisemon]

(a.k.a the Wisemon Syndrome),

If you want to get technical, the style is called omniscient narration. I'm aware that it's a turnoff for some people. I try to save all my urgency and emotion for the dialogue, where it counts. I do agree that there's a style difference between Nate's first few sentences and the ones that close the paragraph. I suggest a bit more consistency. Pick a style and stick with it, at least for the same paragraph.

[Nate Hunter]

Thanks for the input. I'll revise it soon and post the revision as well.

Seven feet tall, he stalked through the deep forest of Ashenvale. It had now been a week since the battle of Mount Hyjal. His body was still oozing and burning energy, struggling to regenerate his near fatal wounds. He worked tirelessly as he hunted for sustenance, desperate to keep his body functioning. His food source had been scarce -- the sickly rabbits and insects he had grubbed up early on provided little sustenance or nourishment -- as he came down the mountain. Still, now he was sure that food should become plentiful, if he could catch it.

That is the revised opening paragraph. I tried to keep my style more active in this version, and adjusted the wording of a few points. I've been told before that I tend to move between voices... present to past, active to passive, omniscient and not... and I rarely realize when I'm doing this. It may simply be a quirk of my style, but I'd like to know it's a relatively harmless quirk and not just a frequent mistake before I begin to rely upon it.