Anyone can review this one! Be brutal!

[Lukos]

Well, I've always been curious as to what kind of reviews my lemons would get. Rip them up, anyone! You'd have to read the earlier part of the series to know what's going on, but I want to see how the pros think I did on this one. :P

http://digiartistsdomain.org/lemons/dawo...ealing.htm

[Marine]

[My pleasure...]

The only thing I'm going to quip about, simply based on that there's really nothing too absurd about it. The overall segment of this story is pretty basic and interesting. Here the reader understands Flamedramon's dilemma and why he seeks help from Ex. The good twist in the plot was the subtle introduction of Flamedramon basically cheating on Greymon with Ex, in that the reader knows what he's doing is wrong, but would keep reading. As an added bonus the cliffhanger made me smile. It's a little surprising at first, but Gremon's character fits the bill quite nicely.

Onto the quip....

[The Wisemon syndrome] *No offense to him*

Yes I call it the Wisemon Syndrome and for good reason. Sometimes your action scenes are watered down, dulled, and polluted because you tell us instead of showing. What does this have to do with Wisemon? His stories are riddled with these devastating things!

->Telling involves the use of the verb is and has basically, and have more words than if it was showed. For instance:

-[This was a pleasure that Flamedramon had never felt] <- Really, you could omit this entire sentence because in the one following this, you show (mentally) or explain how it affects him. This sentence chops the flow of the paragraph a little bit, but with enough practice you could catch these when you revise.

[And another quip]

-> Where is meh setting foo? Whenever you plan on changing scenes for at least a page or more, take a paragraph and reveal what's around us, the reader, or around the head of Flamedramon. Set a mood. Give the reader the feeling and a sense of place within this story you've made for them...


-------[That's all I got for now]----------

[DragonMasterX]

I'll be taking this one along too with Marine. Hope you don't mind :P

Well, let's start by common things, the graduation will be based on five aspects I'll clarify below. After I sum all the scores, a single grade will remain.

Just for you to know, this is NOT meant to bash or literally or indirectly tell you that you suck. My criteria is only to help you improve.

Here are the things to note:

Plot.
Characters.
Semantics.
Writing.
Lemon.

------------

Plot: 9/10. I've been reading the whole series, and I enjoy it; the story has a very special air about it... I love how it develops part by part, everything is connected just good, and it almost never loses it's grip! And this Chapter was no-exception, the plot was complete and understable, though Ex is too mysterious and I think he needs a bit more of an explaining of why he acts the way he does.

Characters: 7/10. I like to divide and judge the characters individually.

Flamedramon: Unfortunately, being the series's Flamedramon, he seems not to have much courage. But otherwise, the plot itself would be ruined if his attitude matched the one of the series in every aspect. Not bad, but not good either.

Greymon: Yeah, his evil character with an OVER-jealous attitude convinces me in this chapter, you did a good job with him.

ExVeemon (Ex): He's too shady and it's difficult to comprehend him without a porper background, but his kind attitude is more than good for making him be a kind BIG friend for Flamey.

Gabumon: Barely appeared, but I enjoyed the way he did, besides, he acted like he would.

Semantics: 8/10. I liked the variations in vocabulary you use, words are barely repeated in each consecutive sentence. Your way of describing the events using signs ( ? ! ) is something very like you, but it gives the sentences themselves a good air along with them.

Writing: 8/10. Your writing is very appropiate and neatly done, though I wouldn't mix speakers in the same paragraphs, sometimes, it makes the readers get confused. You should also revise the punctuations in some dialogs where they are misused.

Lemon: 8/10. I liked how it went, starting from a bit of arousal, to an oral Yaoi scene. This plainly shows how Ex cared for his friend, just so he could make him feel good. What I think, is that you could have made Ex caress Flamedramon some more before starting to directly suck. What about some tail-playing? I particulary like that when it comes to two dragons mating. Overall, you did a pretty good job with it.

Total Score: 40/50= ( 8 )

Notes: The whole story, I liked; but you could improve when it comes to the correct characterization of the main character, he isn't a scardy cat, though it makes him CUTE, it is not the Flamedramon we know. Keep doing a good job, Wolfey, Im looking forward to see more of your work, I want this series to be continued!

[Lukos]

Marine: Haha, your review made me smile, particularly at the Wisemon syndrome and the setting!

Syndrome: Yeah, I was told once to paint a picture with words. Sometimes I'm good at it, other times I'm not so good at it. It's something I'm working on. I'm not sure, because when I write I just kind of put down what's in my head at the moment and then make sure it fits, but I think I usually just think of something and then try to describe it (which explains the extra sentence you mentioned).

Setting: I didn't put one in for the cabin in this chapter because I'd already done it in the first.

Actually... No, I didn't put in a setting in for the cabin... yikes....

I tried to do one for Ex's hideout, but somehow I just couldn't get my wording the way I wanted it to be. I had to go back and keep tweaking it and reading it aloud until it seemed good enough. I think that right now, settings are what I have the most trouble with.

DMX: Awesome, you bet!

Note: I'm aware that Flamedramon doesn't act like he's very courageous so far-- but there's an explanation for that outside of this chapter. Greymon had hit him on the head in a way that made him forget a few things and changed his personality a bit. Flamedramon's under Greymon's spell, so to speak. lol It has nothing to do with being cute.

I wouldn't call the series "The Fire of Courage" for nothing, though!

As for Gabumon, I had him appear very scarecly due to the fact that that's how he was actually trying to appear in the story. However I had hoped that a reader would still feel his presence, and attempted to provide aid with that by adding things like "Neither of them heard the _______ that came from just outside the cave", and then trying to make it more clear to the reader that Gabumon had been there by having Ex see evidence of his presence. In short, I wanted the reader to feel like Gabumon was watching without actually saying that he was watching. I don't know if I succeeded, but... ehh. I'll edit it another time, maybe after part 5--I've got ideas for it swimming in my head along with whatever else is in there.

Hmm.... Yes, now that you mention it, Ex is behaving pretty mysteriously, and I didn't do that great a job of explaining it in the earlier chapter. The reason he's like that is because Flamedramon's putting up a very, VERY strong defense for Greymon. Ex knows that Greymon's bad news, and he wants to protect Flamedramon, but at the same time doesn't want to upset him, like he inadvertently did in this chapter. He stays out of everyone's sight, especially Greymon's, while still making sure that Flamedramon can reach him if there's ever trouble.

As for Greymon... Wow. That's it. He's a sick dude. The only time I've ever attempted something like that before now is in the Stolen series with Arkadimon and at last few chapters of Lost in the Woods. That... didn't turn out as well as I had hoped it would. I'm glad it was better this time!

Thanks!

[DragonMasterX]

Greymon hurt Flamey, it's a pity you need the overgrown dinosaur for the next chapter, otherwise, I'd shoot him in the head right now.