It's Only Fair: Herr Mullen goes Under the Knife

[Herr Mullen]

Anyone want to reveiw Don't mess With Tuxes, my Veemon and Wormon lemon?

And, just to see if Marine or Dragonmaster really can stomache all fetishes, I wouldn't mind a reveiw of this from either of them. It's an older one, true, but I have never heard anyone give an opinion on it. I wrote it just to see if I could.

[Marine]

-->Wow a gay pregnancy fetish... Different... Different indeed...

->Grammar/Mechanics: Nothing really too bad to complain about in this department, exceptt for a couple fragmented sentences that kinda pop out of the story and give readers a black eye.

-->Characterization: There's a slight problem inside this story, basically the relationship between Davis and T.K.. Since you give us these two canon characters, readers expect for them to exude the same emotions as they would BEFORE falling in love. Your not giving enough explanation of why these two 'feel' about eachother, let alone going through the entire process of Davis getting pregnant. Next time you might want to stretch out the story enough so that the reader understands where the lemon is coming from and why these characters feel why they feel towards one another and then you'll have a better, more lax story.

--> Plot: There's a vague trace of it somewhere in that story...

--> Lemon: Now just for fetish purposes, those who are trying to personify a fetish, usually the entire lemon is committed just to that. Sure you had the gay fetish pretty nailed (lol), but there wasn't enough 'man pregnancy' to make it seem the ravishing fetish.

--> Writing: I like the 'Disclaimer' as you being narrated and all, however, if that is not your intent throughout the story, try to keep your comments to yourself and let the reader decide. Anything beyond the disclaimer has to be strictly story...

[It was a nice attempt for a gay... pregnant... fetish]

[Wisemon]

--> Writing: I like the 'Disclaimer' as you being narrated and all, however, if that is not your intent throughout the story, try to keep your comments to yourself and let the reader decide. Anything beyond the disclaimer has to be strictly story...

I would ignore this criticism. That's part of your distinctive postmodernist style.

[Marine]

Style is subjective. Personally I like Mullen's stories, but there are some parts which disconnects the reader from the story for a bit, and might have to double-take to follow the story.

Are you sitting comfortably?
Good.
Then we shall begin.
Daisuke woke up, the bright and hot sunlight drifting through his blinds, and attempting to gouge his eyes out with a spoon. That's how it felt. His sheets were tangled around his legs, leaving his top bare. He groaned. He had not slept well last night. He got to his feet as quickly as he could, and rushed to the bathroom. He made a daily sacrifice of fluids and former food to the God of Unfortunate Circumstances at the Temple of Toilet.
Don't get him wrong on "Unfortunate Circumstance", he was thrilled to be having this baby. But being a guy, well. That was the unfortunate bit. He'd just began to show, as well; his parents were getting rather worried. He'd have to tell them at some point.
The telephone began to ring. Daisuke went back to his bedroom and tied a dressing gown around himself loosely, and then answered the ringing thing.
"Hello?"
"Hey, there. Feeling any better this morning?"
"No. If anything, I'm worse. I feel so tired..." Daisuke yawned.
"We'll see Jyou again, later. See if he can do anything."
"Thanks, Takeru. That's fantastic."
"Hey, no worries. It's my baby, too, right?"
"I guess." Daisuke put his head against the wall, and sighed. He rubbed his bloated stomach. He felt a kick. "Takeru!" he gasped, "It kicked! It kicked!"
"It did?"
"Yeah, it actually kicked!"
"Brilliant! That's fantastic! Oh, Dai..."

Are you still comfortable? You don't want a cushion or anything do you?
Good.

-Something feels a bit off between these two paragraph openings. I'm not saying his style is bad or should be changed, it just sounds out of place to me. And on a side note, most of your stories imitate the unique disclaimer and then story. It's just that this one pecked my attention.

--> I didn't mean to sound... overzealous on the comment...

--> And he asked for my opinion Wisemon, I obliged and answered. If he wants to ignore it, please do, because that what the review is--my opinion. Let him decide. Not everyone believes everything he writes delegates as 'style'.

[Herr Mullen]

--> Writing: I like the 'Disclaimer' as you being narrated and all, however, if that is not your intent throughout the story, try to keep your comments to yourself and let the reader decide. Anything beyond the disclaimer has to be strictly story...

I would ignore this criticism. That's part of your distinctive postmodernist style.

It is, but it's good to hear the opinions of more traditionalist stylists, sometimes. Just in case I'm not being radical enough.

-Something feels a bit off between these two paragraph openings. I'm not saying his style is bad or should be changed, it just sounds out of place to me. And on a side note, most of your stories imitate the unique disclaimer and then story. It's just that this one pecked my attention.

The running line of "Are you sitting comfortably?" is used to drag the reader out of the story, slap them, and remind them gently (after getting some ice) that the reality is that the reader is reading a story. It's actually a blatent refrence, as well, to anyone in Britain who listened to children's radio in the 1950s, and, more recently (though entirely unintentionally: it appeared after I wrote and submitted this) the episode "The Idiots Lantern" of the second series of Doctor Who. It's a bit of a parody, actually.

[Master Grim]

Not to butt in or anything but I think that story is really good! :D

[Herr Mullen]

Not to butt in or anything but I think that story is really good! :D

Ah, but why?

(And which one: Fetish or Tuxes?)

[DragonMasterX]

I'll review: "Don't mess with Tuxes." I find it interesting.

-----------

"...You had Hikari labour over creating you a tuxedo for me? Oh, Veemon!"
He leaped off the chair (as far as he could; no knees)and rushed over to Veemon, claming his highest pair of true legs
around Veemon, as Veemon held him in a real embrace. Veemon kissed Wormon on the cheek, and led him back up to the chair.

As you see, you are using too much of the same words to name Veemon, you could vary with nick(names) like: "The little blue dragon.", "His friend.", "The blue digimon.", etc. You don't need to use those, but it'd be better not to repeat same words over and over again.

And well, I fortunately didn't find anything else to be exactly descriptive; onto with the score.

-------

Plot: Hmmm, I'm doubtful, all of this happened so fast, this actually didn't have much of a plot. It was rather: Veemon gets dressed, Veemon talks with Daisuke, both go to Ken's house, Daisuke and Ken talk then go, Veemon goes to Wormmon, both talk, both fo to bathroom, sex. I think you could have written a small background to say the why of Veemon and Daisuke going to Wormmon and Ken, yes, I think you could have done that. Score: 4/10.

Characters: Let's see them individually.

Veemon: I don't really see him much like he would act in the series, he rather seems mature and grown up for being the childish Veemon. I don't even know when this actually takes part, so I can't be certain if it's before the 25 years pass or after (most possible opportunity to state that Veemon grows mature).

Wormmon: He actually seems me quite normal, BUT loyal to the series, he seems to be submissive as well, so it's pretty much like him.

Daisuke: I think I read parts in which he acted... well... mature, err... that scared me.

Ken: Pretty silent, pretty normal, seems you caught his characterization just good enough.

Score: 6/10.

Semantics: Yes, a semantic view reveals a splendid use in the variation in phrases, I personally like the ones used in the Lemon scene. I don't have many complaints here, BUT, there is the one in repeating the same words. Score: 9/10.

Writing: Your writing is good, but not perfect, very modest of you to have clarified at the end that you actually had spelling mistakes somewhere, I think "Apologised" is actually "Apologized". But generally, it was okay. Score: 9/10.

Lemon: Wormmon X Veemon= Cute. But let's go in depth with this. Having the characters have sex in a story which lacks very much of a plot actually isn't my cup of tea; I noticed they could have had a good reason to have sex instead of: "Oh, your tux looks adorable, let me take it off so we have sex!". Maybe I didn't understand the idea of your plot as you want the readers do, I apologize for that. And I think I found something which was sort of strange, both Wormmon and Veemon seemed to have their members erected, even though you didn't point they were ''horny'' or ''aroused'', and one more thing: Don't you think 4 inches is too little for a length to Veemon's dick? Personally, I think he could have 6 if you don't like them having their cocks ''big''. Score: 6/10.

Total Score: 34/50= ( 6.8 )

Notes: Very good writing indeed, could use a little more of a spell check, also, I'd like to point the way you tend to some times repeat words around too much, you could variate with your vocabulary. Also, I don't say the plot literally sucked, but maybe describing the situation would be better to make it be brighter. I enjoyed this couple, good job, Herr, keep writing!

[Herr Mullen]

Americans put "z" where it shouldn't be. Really, it's "s"'s business.

I was just trying out a new couple. Breaking them in, like shoes. I never like the idea of the Digimon having anywhere near a full fifteen centimetres at their beck and call: Veemon's half the size of Davis, for pity's sake.

Davis and Veemon always give my trouble. They're very exitable: it's hard to write for a pair like that. I can write much more easily for the calmer characters, like Ken or Matt.

Thanks, Dragonmaster, and Marine, too.

[Nate Hunter]

Not to butt in or anything but I think that story is really good! :D

PokePimp, the purpose of this board is not to boost or tear down the egos of the authors who submit themselves to us, but to tell them WHAT we like and dislike within their stories. It is best if we can work from a relatively objective standpoint on issues such as grammar, character, plot and the like, but not fully necessary.

There are two types of feedback -- pointless feedback, and productive feedback. This applies to both positive AND negative feedback. Pointless feedback is composed of "flames" for pointless negative feedback, and "ego boosters" for pointless positive feedback. Let me give an example of each.

Flame:
OMG UR SUCH A F*CKING NOOB, DON U NO TAHT UR STORY SUCKS DONKEY BALLS? YOU SHOULD STOP WRITING BECAUSE UR TEH SUXXORZ!

Ego Booster:
This story is so great, u should keep writing and update soon plz! I love this story so update soon k thnx bye.

Do you notice something about those comments? They don't really say anything about the story, and could be said to anybody at any time in any fandom just to insult them (Flame) or to make them feel good (Ego Booster). That's why these are pointless, and should be ignored by anyone who is serious about their writing. If you are serious about your writing, you should be watching for all of the productive feedback that can help you, whether it's positive or negative. I call these Critique (negative) and Review (positive). Some people refer to these as "con-crit" or "concrit" which stands for "constructive criticism". This is one of the best things your stories can receive, and here's an example of concrit, since any productive review will contain positive AND negative elements.

Do you see what your comment is right there? It's an ego booster. This forum is a place for con-crit, not flames and not ego boosters. No matter how well written they are, non-productive comments are of no use on a REVIEW board.

DMX: I also tend to use improperly spelt words, according to normal American English spellings, but that's because I feel that using British spellings produces, in my mind, an overall better (ie: more refined) feel, at least with some words (colour, behaviour, grey, spelt, draught). According to my dictionary, the "s" and "z" in apologi(s/z)e are both valid spellings, so let's not be too upset there, okay?

Mullen: The American English spellings are valid, no point to discriminate too much that an American reviewer finds your use of "s" for "z" in certain words where, due to the phonemes used, the "z" is more phonetically appropriate. I'm not saying it's "right" or "wrong", because both are acceptable spellings of the word.

Note to both of you: My dictionary references "apologise" to the spelling "apologize" for the definition. It does not cite, as it does with "colour" or "grey", that "apologise" is the British spelling of the word, instead leading me to understand it as an acceptable, but technically incorrect, spelling.