Destruction series reviews??

[MISTER BIG T]

Anyone?

http://digiartistsdomain.org/phpboard/vi...php?t=5131

[DragonMasterX]

I'm going to review your series, I'll start with the first one now, my points to look will be the basic ones:

Plot.
Characters.
Semantics.
Writing.
Lemon.

Then, a single grade will result out of this.

Thing to add, don't take this review as an offense, my intention is to give out advanced constructive criticsism.

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Plot: 8/10. The Plot for the first chapter is very nicely done, I enjoy the descriptions in the prologue and the whole beggining, still, I would like to see a bit more background for Gatomon, since she takes a good part in the story itself.

Characters: 7/10.

Veedramon: His story is quite blurry to get at first, it's somewhat confusing how he acts here, but it's not bad.

Gatomon: Again, she is literally used as a hole for Veedramon, not much is given out for the kitty. Maybe a little background would help.

Semantics: 5/10. You lack variation in words, you tend to repeat them over and over, like the names for example. Another good thing you could do is get the characters to speak out more. It seems everything happens WAY too fast for them.

Writing: 6/10. You have good writing, but you seem to have a problem with dialogues, you should let new speakers have new paragraphs for themselves. Also, little spelling mistakes I noticed, and some tense misusing in some parts.

Lemon: 7/10. It's good overall, but you could have done better, it's like they started and had 6 seconds to enjoy, then they cummed. I think you could have described the way Veedramon moved inside her when he was riding her, or as bonus, a better way of describing how he played with her chest.

Final Score: 32/50= (6.4)

Notes: Your writing is good, you barely have typing mistakes, but you could describe in better ways when it comes to the character's themselves, not to mention their own attitudes and the way they speak. Also, a nice variation with words will be pretty good. And finally, when making a Lemon scene, I'd try to make the characters enjoy something that can last, not days, but some good time.

[MISTER BIG T]

Thank you, I hope you'll enjoy the future fics as well. :D

[DragonMasterX]

No problem, I'll review the second chapter for you now. I'll use the same method as before.

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Plot: 7/10. My idea in how the plot is here, is almost the same as the previous chapter. However, this one seems troubled, it lacks description of the past events, and everything happens way too fast, without actually letting one character to walk and make him or her instantly change location.

Characters: 6/10.

Veedramon: He's ALMOST same as before, good characterization, though he doesn't take a very similar attitude than in chapter 1, it seems he's more tranquil and yet he doesn't do much here.

Gatomon: Nothing big actually happens, but her atittude remains unchanged, so it's ok.

Patamon: This new character personally confuses me, his attitude changes way too fast from angry to happy or to disrespectful or anything else I forgot to mention. His background isn't too clear and it confuses me even more.

Semantics: 5/10. Unfortunately, here you go through the same track, variation of words is your problem. It's like you don't difer from using other words to talk about the same. An example is the over-use of the word ''Human'' in the beggining, where you could have used other words like: "Being" "Man/Woman" "Guy/Girl" "Person" and many more.

Writing: 5/10. Your writing is average good here as well, but then again, it would be good to give new speakers new paragraphs, also, there are many punctuation errors after dialogues mostly.

Lemon: There's no Lemon in this story, so no comment or qualification will be made.

Final score: 23/40= (5.75)

Notes: This chapter had a good air with it, but unfortunately, mistakes with your writing and the lack of good Semantics leaves lots to expect. A pity you couldn't add a Lemon scene here. I recommend you to try to work the characters a bit more, it's like they appear and do and say things randomly. Overall, this chapter was average. Keep going with your work, I like it.

[MISTER BIG T]

A pity you couldn't add a Lemon scene here.

I thought of descriping the rape in detail but thought it'd not really sound realistic for Patamon to descripe that hard. And I also thought the lemony parts in next one would make up for the lack of them in this one. :cry:

Can you give me an example on how to improve my semantics and such, like I made with you by posting the original writing and then the way it'd be better? I sometimes get confused with all this, sorry. :D

[DragonMasterX]

[quote=MISTER BIG T]He began to slowly move towards the human, while positioning his rifle towards the human. Without ever letting her a chance to realize what was going on, Veedramon shot two bullets into her back, killing her instantly. Veedramon gave a sigh and sat down next to the corpse. He had been just a kid when he had first seen a human. The grotesque sight still made shivers go up his spine every time he

[MISTER BIG T]

Allrite, I'll try and stop repeating myself so often. :D

[DragonMasterX]

Alright, in this review, I'll try to DIRECTLY point the errors, this one is for the 3rd chapter.

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Veedramon could not help but feel sorry for Patamon. The Sun seemingly affects the Digimon genes somehow. This usually stopped a Digimon from gaining a digivolution, not to mention the fact that they were much more vulnerable to the radiation than a regular Digimon.

Tense problem, you switched to Present Simple suddenly.

[quote]"So

[MISTER BIG T]

About your criticsm of the rape scene; Rapes really aren't nice (despite some people writing that the rape victims suddenly start getting off it) and I didn't want to portray it as anything but a shocking "oh my god, what are they doing!" As for how Veemon got in front of her, that was a mistake on my part for not adding that they forced to lie down.


Thanks from the indepth, I'll work out those errors and resend it to DAD.

[DragonMasterX]

Right, rapes aren't good, but if worked out well, they give the full meaning to the story too. I'm not basing myself on my morals about forced sex, but of what I have read.