I'm not generally the type to double post in this fashion... I may have come off harsh above, and want to say it's a good concept, if you can pull it off properly. Perhaps each of the children uses a different type of evolution, and has a Digivice based on that.
For example your leader may be the, or a, Hybrid evolver, using a D-Scan (D-Tector) and Digital Spirits to evolve, while a few backup fighters may use the D-Ark (D-Power) and cards, and gain Matrix (Biomerge) evolution. Then you may have a pair -- best friends or twins or something -- who have a Jogress (DNA) form -- or two that they can switch between based on needs (and thus on which one is providing the power boost in it).
Think out your characters... and it's also a good idea to try indicating the difference between first person and third person content. After all, there's nothing wrong with using both, but most of your story will read better if it's in third person.
Now for some comments on your story... This seems to be a journal story, which is something I've done before. However you tend to confuse tense as well, intermixing future, present and past as if there is no difference. You also seem to ramble. And you also use a lot of American slang for a character living in Osaka, Japan and moving to Tokyo. A bit of laid back presentation in the "translation" is all well and good, and even to be expected to indicate how casual or formal of a person these characters are, but they feel like Americans plopped down into Japan for the sake of it. A lot of reviewers would probably cry "Sue" here, as the story begins feeling within a few paragraphs as if it's a dream-fulfillment story.
Please compare your opening with this, to see an example of how Taichi, a goggle-boy, would behave more in character:
Lord Archive Wrote:Why do they insist on sending almost an entire school district to
Tokyo Tower at the same time? Over a thousand kids and handful of
teachers and chaperons to try to control them. Not an easy task
when everyone has been waiting in line over two hours to go to the
observation floor. They're trying to control it by having senior
high students watch after the junior high kids, but that's rather
futile. I don't even understand why the school sends us here almost
every year. We go up the elevator, look over the city, look at a
bunch of high raise towers and then go back down. It's not like
anyone will be sent to another dimension or have to fight some embodiment of evil.
Despite that, here I am, Yagami Taichi-- age sixteen with the eternal
bad-hair day, bored out of my wits. There's not much for us to do
but wait and look at everyone else. At least I'm not in class.
Instead you give us a first-person omniscient overview of what happened before (How does "Delita" know all of this?). My own version of Taichi, a bit less cynical than Archive's above, isn't that bad. He's speaking from what he's heard, not as facts:
Nate Hunter Wrote:Funky things were happening on earth while my school took their annual camping field trip. We were supposed to be gone for the whole weekend, but when me and seven other kids got pulled away by a mysterious force, we didn't know quite how to respond. But give me just a minute here to backtrack, and introduce the eight of us.
"The weird things could be anything -- one report even says a summer camp in the USA had their lake turn into Jell-o! But on a bit less of the weird side, it was snowing in the middle of summer, and places that normally were desert were getting flooded, no to mention crazy droughts in normally fertile places. Of course, being kids, we didn't much know or care about that stuff.
"Anyway, my name is Yagami Taichi, but the kids in my class all call me 'Goggles', on account of these goggles I always wear. Then there's Takenouchi Sora, she's a bit of a tomboy, who plays on the same soccer team as me. And whatever anyone says, at this time, I had no interests in her whatsoever. Then we have my best friend in the world, Ishida Yamato, self-proclaimed king of cool -- although sometimes the way he acts frightens me.
"Izumi Koushirou is the school's big computer geek, although there is one girl my sister's age who seems to dig those things too -- but she doesn't matter yet. Koushirou's nickname is 'Paso,' the shortened form of our word for computers. And when he isn't busy with his computers and books, he seems to take a special interest in one girl . . . Tachikawa Mimi, the high-fashion girl. From what she says, her mom doesn't cook much, and this girl is always but always wearing pink! And ever since we'd left on the trip she complained about it.
"As the sempai for our group we have Kido Jou, who is a chronic hypochondriac. I doubt if he even suffers from half the ailments he claims, but he certainly puts on a big show about them! And the youngest in the group were my sister, Hikari, and Yamato's brother, Takeru. Not much else to say . . . wait! All eight of us are Japanese, and live in Odaiba. At some point, our parents moved from Hikarigaoka, although none of us kids is quite sure why. And now, on to the adventure!
I present a unified voice for Taichi, and he's the one whose voice will tend to guide the reader through my story. I don't talk about what will come ahead in any detail, but introduces the characters as well as some particular names that I'll be using (Goggles and Paso), and justifies them.
If you were doing one of these for season two, it's be like Daisuke recapping the whole events of season one -- it's not in character for him to know those things. So Why does YOUR "Delita Jinmay Yoshifuuku" have so much information about the wars?
. . . To be continued tomorrow, but I need to get to sleep right now.
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