07-21-2006, 10:51 AM
I have heard "Erotica is taking a duck's feather, and lightly stroking her enterence. Pornography is taking the entire duck and shoving it up her."
Lemon III.
Scene opens? Let me brief you to script format:
Scene one.
Herr Mullen is sitting at his desk, reading a lemon. A clock ticks in the background.
Herr Mullen: I should like some tea. (Gets up, and goes to the door. Yells.) Jyou! Get me some tea!
What you have here is a cruely butchered format for your introduction. A script ripped apart with a meathook and sewn uncomprimisingly to the ear of a narrative, which over balances and falls in a ditch. There are no paragraphs. There is a lump of sweating and grumbling text on my screen. There should be paragraphs: for new speakers, at the very least.
The writing istself is of a good quality until you say Matt "wobbled". I don't think Matt would "wobble"; I think he's a careful stride, kind of guy. Then it slowly resumes quality; I like Gabumon awakening like a flower, and the comparison of the sunlight to a bee. There is no downstairs: Matt lives in a flat. Most of the characters do. In fact, it wasn't until Rika and Takato that any Digimon character lived in a house.
I am reading a list. I am reading a list of things that have happened. I might as well be reading a timeline. 10 o'clock, Gabumon gets up. 10:20, Gabumon finishes breakfast. 10:30, Gabumon begins to stare at the ceiling. 1:30, Gabumon stops staring at the ceiling. Where is the character? What we have in this sequence is not Gabumon, but Winnie the Pooh if it were written by somebody with all the literary ability of a ten year old, at the very most. "Gabumon often got bored..." Well, how does he feel about that? Rather than cater to this deluded idea of Gabumon being a perfectly contented (though slightly bored, but we need not worry about that, as there is an entire ceiling to keep him entertained) little eternaly loyal cute thing (who will even stare at ceilings to keep himself out of everyone's way), you could actually make us relate to him, by discribing this harsh bordom, or the things he attempts to keep himself entertained. Quite frankly, there could have a been a very amusing passage here about how Gabumon tried (and failed) to operate a washing machine so Matt and his dad won't have to do it later, but, no. I am left with Gabumon staring at a ceiling. Not a colourful ceiling, or a dull ceiling, buyt just a ceiling. And he isn't staring longingly at it, or through it as he daydreamed pink and fluffy sequences of Matt and him in a sunflower feild, nor is he staring angrily at it at hving been left with nothing to do: he's just staring at it. If Roran was, as his introduction suggests, planning to put this on stage, it would be very interesting to see Gabumon stare at a ceiling for ten minutes with no dialogue or action.
Gabumon has so much more debth than a puddle of cute and fluff. Read "Golden Afternoons", then re-read this, and then re-write this using new ideas, and discription and poetic devices. Extend Gabumon past this silly spammer's facade of "I like Gabumon! He's so cute!" and make him the three dimentional character so many have fallen in love with.
Right, where was I before I decided to rant about ceilings?
Ah, now Gabumon has feeling. Now I can see the author writing with a hint of care for Gabumon, and Matt. This is more like him. Not a ceiling stalking... thing, but an actual character with thoughts and feelings, and observations, and philosophies.
Matt immediately knew what Gabumon meant? I was accurate in the amount of time I assumed Gabumon had been staring at a ceiling for? Matt would think along the lines of "Of course, not, whever does he mean?" and then move gradually along to the realisation that, yes, he had been feeeling rather rotten, though you wouldn't notice it from what we encountered at the very begining: he seemed quite cheery. There is no foreshadowing of him being down. No sighs, nothing. I was quite suprised when Gabumon said his poetry was "hollow".
If people's secrets were water, then Matt has a bucket with no bottom. He just blurts out everything: anyone would really take their time, and explain, convinced that they were being completely irrational, trying desperately to convice both themselves and their confidents that they weren't being stupid. That's what people do.
Asterisics are for sums, not for intergecting sniffs in speaches.
Matt "got a smile?" Is that like, "Matt got a cold?" Wouldn't "Matt grew a smile" be so much better, with conitations of life and beauty?
This episode is an excerise in yaoi clishe: boy loves boy, boy's apprehensive of telling other boy, boy tells boy, boy turns out to feel for boy as well, boys have sex: the end. Essentially, that's what most yaoi fictions are, but extra elements and gears are added by the author to make the story an interesting and complex mechanism covered with a sleek three dimentional chasse, as opposed to the brutally undercovered bare, base mechanism of clishe.
The actual lemon consepts of action are good, but they need more discription. "Passionate" just won't cut it. You want adjectives: how did Gabumon strip Matt? How did Matt's eighteen centimetre penis spring to full mast? There are possibly metaphor literarly lttering the floor, if you take the time to see them.
Why does the author insist on throwing conbinations of letters that are so very fammilier at me? "Raging hard on"? "Waves of pleasure"? There are a great many words out there. Why not substitute some? Or, better yet, play off the clishe?
"Matt began to feel waves of pleasure course through his body, originating from his hips: they were longditudinal: nerve ending bounced back and forth to communicate these fantastic sensations, moving back and forth like chattering ballroom dances in the acceliration and enthusiasam. Let's face it: ballroom dancers are gagging for this sort of this."
"Man juices". I'm afraid I actually laughed, there.
The rest of the scene was okay on action, but as I've said before, discription, metaphor, and sensation.
Now, we all know Roran can write really well when he puts his head to it. Hopefully, using this input, he can really gain an insight into literary possibilities, and start putting that huge brain of his to work. Come on, lad: you've prooved you can do it, now just get better.
But if I ever see you writing about people looking at ceilings!
Lemon III.
Scene opens? Let me brief you to script format:
Scene one.
Herr Mullen is sitting at his desk, reading a lemon. A clock ticks in the background.
Herr Mullen: I should like some tea. (Gets up, and goes to the door. Yells.) Jyou! Get me some tea!
What you have here is a cruely butchered format for your introduction. A script ripped apart with a meathook and sewn uncomprimisingly to the ear of a narrative, which over balances and falls in a ditch. There are no paragraphs. There is a lump of sweating and grumbling text on my screen. There should be paragraphs: for new speakers, at the very least.
The writing istself is of a good quality until you say Matt "wobbled". I don't think Matt would "wobble"; I think he's a careful stride, kind of guy. Then it slowly resumes quality; I like Gabumon awakening like a flower, and the comparison of the sunlight to a bee. There is no downstairs: Matt lives in a flat. Most of the characters do. In fact, it wasn't until Rika and Takato that any Digimon character lived in a house.
I am reading a list. I am reading a list of things that have happened. I might as well be reading a timeline. 10 o'clock, Gabumon gets up. 10:20, Gabumon finishes breakfast. 10:30, Gabumon begins to stare at the ceiling. 1:30, Gabumon stops staring at the ceiling. Where is the character? What we have in this sequence is not Gabumon, but Winnie the Pooh if it were written by somebody with all the literary ability of a ten year old, at the very most. "Gabumon often got bored..." Well, how does he feel about that? Rather than cater to this deluded idea of Gabumon being a perfectly contented (though slightly bored, but we need not worry about that, as there is an entire ceiling to keep him entertained) little eternaly loyal cute thing (who will even stare at ceilings to keep himself out of everyone's way), you could actually make us relate to him, by discribing this harsh bordom, or the things he attempts to keep himself entertained. Quite frankly, there could have a been a very amusing passage here about how Gabumon tried (and failed) to operate a washing machine so Matt and his dad won't have to do it later, but, no. I am left with Gabumon staring at a ceiling. Not a colourful ceiling, or a dull ceiling, buyt just a ceiling. And he isn't staring longingly at it, or through it as he daydreamed pink and fluffy sequences of Matt and him in a sunflower feild, nor is he staring angrily at it at hving been left with nothing to do: he's just staring at it. If Roran was, as his introduction suggests, planning to put this on stage, it would be very interesting to see Gabumon stare at a ceiling for ten minutes with no dialogue or action.
Gabumon has so much more debth than a puddle of cute and fluff. Read "Golden Afternoons", then re-read this, and then re-write this using new ideas, and discription and poetic devices. Extend Gabumon past this silly spammer's facade of "I like Gabumon! He's so cute!" and make him the three dimentional character so many have fallen in love with.
Right, where was I before I decided to rant about ceilings?
Ah, now Gabumon has feeling. Now I can see the author writing with a hint of care for Gabumon, and Matt. This is more like him. Not a ceiling stalking... thing, but an actual character with thoughts and feelings, and observations, and philosophies.
Matt immediately knew what Gabumon meant? I was accurate in the amount of time I assumed Gabumon had been staring at a ceiling for? Matt would think along the lines of "Of course, not, whever does he mean?" and then move gradually along to the realisation that, yes, he had been feeeling rather rotten, though you wouldn't notice it from what we encountered at the very begining: he seemed quite cheery. There is no foreshadowing of him being down. No sighs, nothing. I was quite suprised when Gabumon said his poetry was "hollow".
If people's secrets were water, then Matt has a bucket with no bottom. He just blurts out everything: anyone would really take their time, and explain, convinced that they were being completely irrational, trying desperately to convice both themselves and their confidents that they weren't being stupid. That's what people do.
Asterisics are for sums, not for intergecting sniffs in speaches.
Matt "got a smile?" Is that like, "Matt got a cold?" Wouldn't "Matt grew a smile" be so much better, with conitations of life and beauty?
This episode is an excerise in yaoi clishe: boy loves boy, boy's apprehensive of telling other boy, boy tells boy, boy turns out to feel for boy as well, boys have sex: the end. Essentially, that's what most yaoi fictions are, but extra elements and gears are added by the author to make the story an interesting and complex mechanism covered with a sleek three dimentional chasse, as opposed to the brutally undercovered bare, base mechanism of clishe.
The actual lemon consepts of action are good, but they need more discription. "Passionate" just won't cut it. You want adjectives: how did Gabumon strip Matt? How did Matt's eighteen centimetre penis spring to full mast? There are possibly metaphor literarly lttering the floor, if you take the time to see them.
Why does the author insist on throwing conbinations of letters that are so very fammilier at me? "Raging hard on"? "Waves of pleasure"? There are a great many words out there. Why not substitute some? Or, better yet, play off the clishe?
"Matt began to feel waves of pleasure course through his body, originating from his hips: they were longditudinal: nerve ending bounced back and forth to communicate these fantastic sensations, moving back and forth like chattering ballroom dances in the acceliration and enthusiasam. Let's face it: ballroom dancers are gagging for this sort of this."
"Man juices". I'm afraid I actually laughed, there.
The rest of the scene was okay on action, but as I've said before, discription, metaphor, and sensation.
Now, we all know Roran can write really well when he puts his head to it. Hopefully, using this input, he can really gain an insight into literary possibilities, and start putting that huge brain of his to work. Come on, lad: you've prooved you can do it, now just get better.
But if I ever see you writing about people looking at ceilings!