07-20-2006, 01:24 AM
rorancrystalwolf Wrote:One more review to go and then I can get this load off my mind.
Ah, that would be me.
I shall begin at the begining, with Lemon I.
Right at the very start, a break where there quite plainly shouldn't be one. Discribing dialogue belongs on the same line as the dialogue it's describing. May main consern here is the speach itself: who do you know, who talks as plainly as that? "I will help you look if you like." There's a comma, missing, there, too. A better way of saying that would be, "Armadilomon looked each way, and, failing to spot any humans, he turned back to Tentomon, and said "Well, he doesn't seem to be here. How about I help you out?"" The additinal action provides insight to personality and intention, as well.
They say each other's names every two seconds. We have not forgotten who we are reading about. There is no-one else there: why would they have to say to whom they are refering every time? And, there should be a comma when you do refer to someone at the end of a sentence. Example: "Do you understand what I'm saying, Timmy?" And sentences are so brief, as well. Remember; adjectives and adverbs mean atmosphere. How things are being done matters as much, if not more than what people are actually saying or doing.
How can a guy move like that when he's being held by two pairs of hands? And why is there no protest? They barely know each other.
To make it worse, Amidilomon's a virgin. I think he'd want to wait for someone he knew rather than some guy who's misplaced a friend.
And then five minutes goes in one sentence! My, oh, my. An author could write so much about those five minutes: the feelings inside Armadilomon, Tentomon's experience, the heat, the breath, the sesations being stirred deep down, or even a building attraction.
After that, the entire plotline is skipped. "Izzy is missing! at the start, then sex, then "Izzy is found!"
I'll do the rest later on, I can only do so much in a sitting.