07-18-2006, 01:23 AM
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-Welcome to Marine's Review Stature-
[AUTHORITY CODE]: *******
>Welcome Review Officer Marine
>Stature Laws and Guidelines:
1. All reviews are designed for constructive purposes with negative and positive commentary which is soley my opinion. Any authors may denounce the tips they find thereof inside my reviews are opinion only.
2. Any negative comments are not subject unto the author; not unto his/her beliefs, values, and/or ethnicity.
3. Any negative comments are implied to shed light on what can be improved, it is the authors right to accept the comment.
4. Style is subjective. Those who deem to hide behind it will sorely be dismembered.
>Stature and Guildines Signed and Sealed by Review Officer Marine; Authors have been issued these guidlines.
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>Date: Jul 17th, 2006. 10:56 Morning.
>Author: Roran Crystal Wolf
>Story: "Wilted Weed to a Beautiful Rose"
>Score References (Based off a table of 1-10, 10 being the best):
Grammar/Mechanics:6
Plot:3
Lemon:6
Characterization:2
Setting:2
Prose: 5
-Overall Score- (4)
>Grammar/Mechanics: The only thing to comment here is not using commas where they should be, connecting necessary sentences to make the flow better and make the story flow more smoothly.
>Plot: You could've expanded this plot alot more than you initially wrote--the opening paragraph could be their own stories, or series if you express them right. The way you wrote the story, there was no problem that the readers sees or has felt yet, but the solution to Gabumon's depression. You didn't give us a reason to connect with your main character becuase we don't know enough about him.
A second problem I saw was that the lemon scene didn't really connect with the story. It felt out of context or PWP really.
On a side note, the opening line for your story was awsome.
>Lemon: Content wise it was good. The only downsize to it was that it had little or no influence on the main plot, it just seemed to magically appear without warning.
>Characterization: There's not enough of it to reflect on. You give us Gabumon's character right after some climactic change in himself which can frustrate readers. You need to expand their emotions a little bit more in the story for the reader to understand their values and expressions.
>Setting: You have a little bit of setting, just a minute injection with vague, one line sentences which really don't reflect where they are. Setting is a powerful element of writing which can suade your readers to keep reading your works.
>Prose: Throughout most of this piece, you write in short, solid sentences with little variations dotted around. Since this is your first time I'm not going to quip, but sentence variation keeps readers from becoming bored or agitated, and it makes your narration more pleasing to the eye.
[TIPS]:
1. When writing a plot, main characters are often subjected to a problem which they must solve at the end of the work. But to know the problem, something has to happen to the main character for him to see it; a casual crisis that forces the main character to react. For instance with Gabumon, he could have suffered heartbreak in the beginning which develops into depression WHICH he tries to solve by cutting his wrists. Every action in the story has to work towards that goal or you risk losing the readers interest.
2. Setting. Since you are indeed starting to write fiction, I'm only going to give this: take a paragraph for setting and express it through the characters eyes--what would grab his attention.
3. Prose. Variation in sentences brings out a unique flow to your writing, a flow that will keep readers reading and waiting for the next scenes to start to the eventual end of a book. Read a grammar book, learn the different structures of sentences to put your works into better focus.
[LINKING...]
[REFERENCING CONTACT...]
-Welcome to Marine's Review Stature-
[AUTHORITY CODE]: *******
>Welcome Review Officer Marine
>Stature Laws and Guidelines:
1. All reviews are designed for constructive purposes with negative and positive commentary which is soley my opinion. Any authors may denounce the tips they find thereof inside my reviews are opinion only.
2. Any negative comments are not subject unto the author; not unto his/her beliefs, values, and/or ethnicity.
3. Any negative comments are implied to shed light on what can be improved, it is the authors right to accept the comment.
4. Style is subjective. Those who deem to hide behind it will sorely be dismembered.
>Stature and Guildines Signed and Sealed by Review Officer Marine; Authors have been issued these guidlines.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
>Date: Jul 17th, 2006. 10:56 Morning.
>Author: Roran Crystal Wolf
>Story: "Wilted Weed to a Beautiful Rose"
>Score References (Based off a table of 1-10, 10 being the best):
Grammar/Mechanics:6
Plot:3
Lemon:6
Characterization:2
Setting:2
Prose: 5
-Overall Score- (4)
>Grammar/Mechanics: The only thing to comment here is not using commas where they should be, connecting necessary sentences to make the flow better and make the story flow more smoothly.
>Plot: You could've expanded this plot alot more than you initially wrote--the opening paragraph could be their own stories, or series if you express them right. The way you wrote the story, there was no problem that the readers sees or has felt yet, but the solution to Gabumon's depression. You didn't give us a reason to connect with your main character becuase we don't know enough about him.
A second problem I saw was that the lemon scene didn't really connect with the story. It felt out of context or PWP really.
On a side note, the opening line for your story was awsome.
>Lemon: Content wise it was good. The only downsize to it was that it had little or no influence on the main plot, it just seemed to magically appear without warning.
>Characterization: There's not enough of it to reflect on. You give us Gabumon's character right after some climactic change in himself which can frustrate readers. You need to expand their emotions a little bit more in the story for the reader to understand their values and expressions.
>Setting: You have a little bit of setting, just a minute injection with vague, one line sentences which really don't reflect where they are. Setting is a powerful element of writing which can suade your readers to keep reading your works.
>Prose: Throughout most of this piece, you write in short, solid sentences with little variations dotted around. Since this is your first time I'm not going to quip, but sentence variation keeps readers from becoming bored or agitated, and it makes your narration more pleasing to the eye.
[TIPS]:
1. When writing a plot, main characters are often subjected to a problem which they must solve at the end of the work. But to know the problem, something has to happen to the main character for him to see it; a casual crisis that forces the main character to react. For instance with Gabumon, he could have suffered heartbreak in the beginning which develops into depression WHICH he tries to solve by cutting his wrists. Every action in the story has to work towards that goal or you risk losing the readers interest.
2. Setting. Since you are indeed starting to write fiction, I'm only going to give this: take a paragraph for setting and express it through the characters eyes--what would grab his attention.
3. Prose. Variation in sentences brings out a unique flow to your writing, a flow that will keep readers reading and waiting for the next scenes to start to the eventual end of a book. Read a grammar book, learn the different structures of sentences to put your works into better focus.