Fesh Meat.. any reviewers pick

[Wisemon]

Psst: The winner of the June contest is an admitted virgin too. Don't think that us virgins are automatically bad at writing sex scenes.

There are a couple of ways for a virgin to write about sex. You mentioned the difference between erotic and pornographic. Here's how that shows up in a lemon:

Pornographic: Watch porn for inspiration. Don't concern yourself with the characters' motivations. They're just there to have sex. All the missteps will be edited out.

Erotic: Read romance novels and short stories for inspiration. Think about how the characters end up having sex. What are their motivations leading up to sex, and more importantly, during sex? How will the scene play out? Here's a hint: There probably won't be a second helping of sodomy.

[Herr Mullen]

I have heard "Erotica is taking a duck's feather, and lightly stroking her enterence. Pornography is taking the entire duck and shoving it up her."

Lemon III.

Scene opens? Let me brief you to script format:

Scene one.

Herr Mullen is sitting at his desk, reading a lemon. A clock ticks in the background.

Herr Mullen: I should like some tea. (Gets up, and goes to the door. Yells.) Jyou! Get me some tea!

What you have here is a cruely butchered format for your introduction. A script ripped apart with a meathook and sewn uncomprimisingly to the ear of a narrative, which over balances and falls in a ditch. There are no paragraphs. There is a lump of sweating and grumbling text on my screen. There should be paragraphs: for new speakers, at the very least.

The writing istself is of a good quality until you say Matt "wobbled". I don't think Matt would "wobble"; I think he's a careful stride, kind of guy. Then it slowly resumes quality; I like Gabumon awakening like a flower, and the comparison of the sunlight to a bee. There is no downstairs: Matt lives in a flat. Most of the characters do. In fact, it wasn't until Rika and Takato that any Digimon character lived in a house.

I am reading a list. I am reading a list of things that have happened. I might as well be reading a timeline. 10 o'clock, Gabumon gets up. 10:20, Gabumon finishes breakfast. 10:30, Gabumon begins to stare at the ceiling. 1:30, Gabumon stops staring at the ceiling. Where is the character? What we have in this sequence is not Gabumon, but Winnie the Pooh if it were written by somebody with all the literary ability of a ten year old, at the very most. "Gabumon often got bored..." Well, how does he feel about that? Rather than cater to this deluded idea of Gabumon being a perfectly contented (though slightly bored, but we need not worry about that, as there is an entire ceiling to keep him entertained) little eternaly loyal cute thing (who will even stare at ceilings to keep himself out of everyone's way), you could actually make us relate to him, by discribing this harsh bordom, or the things he attempts to keep himself entertained. Quite frankly, there could have a been a very amusing passage here about how Gabumon tried (and failed) to operate a washing machine so Matt and his dad won't have to do it later, but, no. I am left with Gabumon staring at a ceiling. Not a colourful ceiling, or a dull ceiling, buyt just a ceiling. And he isn't staring longingly at it, or through it as he daydreamed pink and fluffy sequences of Matt and him in a sunflower feild, nor is he staring angrily at it at hving been left with nothing to do: he's just staring at it. If Roran was, as his introduction suggests, planning to put this on stage, it would be very interesting to see Gabumon stare at a ceiling for ten minutes with no dialogue or action.

Gabumon has so much more debth than a puddle of cute and fluff. Read "Golden Afternoons", then re-read this, and then re-write this using new ideas, and discription and poetic devices. Extend Gabumon past this silly spammer's facade of "I like Gabumon! He's so cute!" and make him the three dimentional character so many have fallen in love with.

Right, where was I before I decided to rant about ceilings?

Ah, now Gabumon has feeling. Now I can see the author writing with a hint of care for Gabumon, and Matt. This is more like him. Not a ceiling stalking... thing, but an actual character with thoughts and feelings, and observations, and philosophies.

Matt immediately knew what Gabumon meant? I was accurate in the amount of time I assumed Gabumon had been staring at a ceiling for? Matt would think along the lines of "Of course, not, whever does he mean?" and then move gradually along to the realisation that, yes, he had been feeeling rather rotten, though you wouldn't notice it from what we encountered at the very begining: he seemed quite cheery. There is no foreshadowing of him being down. No sighs, nothing. I was quite suprised when Gabumon said his poetry was "hollow".

If people's secrets were water, then Matt has a bucket with no bottom. He just blurts out everything: anyone would really take their time, and explain, convinced that they were being completely irrational, trying desperately to convice both themselves and their confidents that they weren't being stupid. That's what people do.

Asterisics are for sums, not for intergecting sniffs in speaches.

Matt "got a smile?" Is that like, "Matt got a cold?" Wouldn't "Matt grew a smile" be so much better, with conitations of life and beauty?

This episode is an excerise in yaoi clishe: boy loves boy, boy's apprehensive of telling other boy, boy tells boy, boy turns out to feel for boy as well, boys have sex: the end. Essentially, that's what most yaoi fictions are, but extra elements and gears are added by the author to make the story an interesting and complex mechanism covered with a sleek three dimentional chasse, as opposed to the brutally undercovered bare, base mechanism of clishe.

The actual lemon consepts of action are good, but they need more discription. "Passionate" just won't cut it. You want adjectives: how did Gabumon strip Matt? How did Matt's eighteen centimetre penis spring to full mast? There are possibly metaphor literarly lttering the floor, if you take the time to see them.

Why does the author insist on throwing conbinations of letters that are so very fammilier at me? "Raging hard on"? "Waves of pleasure"? There are a great many words out there. Why not substitute some? Or, better yet, play off the clishe?

"Matt began to feel waves of pleasure course through his body, originating from his hips: they were longditudinal: nerve ending bounced back and forth to communicate these fantastic sensations, moving back and forth like chattering ballroom dances in the acceliration and enthusiasam. Let's face it: ballroom dancers are gagging for this sort of this."

"Man juices". I'm afraid I actually laughed, there.

The rest of the scene was okay on action, but as I've said before, discription, metaphor, and sensation.

Now, we all know Roran can write really well when he puts his head to it. Hopefully, using this input, he can really gain an insight into literary possibilities, and start putting that huge brain of his to work. Come on, lad: you've prooved you can do it, now just get better.

But if I ever see you writing about people looking at ceilings!

[Herr Mullen]

Oh, this one has a title. And it isn't that bad, either.

So, we start with suicide. No. No, no, no. This Gabumon is an original character. Anyone reading this expecting to be reading about Matt's Gabumon would be saying "What the hell?" and would be sorely put out by the idea of their favoate Digimon slicing himself into ribbons. No, you start with something happy. A party, or a celebration. Then you slowly unmask the true feelings, lifting slowly, revealing little by little the horrible grimace of pain on his face. Foreshadowing, contradictory metaphors: little hints that things are slightly off. Then you talk about the emotion. You isolate the character, and show them at their weakest. He's a link to the best attempted suicide fiction I've read. Admittedly, I steer away from that kind of thing, but this author can play on you. At the start, nothing seems too off, but gradualy it gets darker. I think you'd enjoy it: I know I quite heavily sympathised with the characters. But, back to your story. Due to the lack of build up, we really can't symaphise at all. When Gabumon was moaning "No one likes me... I'm so useless..." some dark part of me was thinking "Oh, shut up you wingey lttle git."

There's this thing with scenes again. That's not how it's done, I've covered that. I shan't go over it again.

You skip entire months. There could be all sorts of episodes to build up sympathy with the characters during that time, but no. Skip it all over in a single sentence.

File Island and a hospital? Are they in the real world, or the Digital one? The reader doesn't know.

Once again, plain and flat speaking. It only reflects the characters. I could thread them into a typewriter with no troubles.

These people are so fast you could slap some wheels on them and call them a Ferrari, then have Jermey Clarkson talk at length about steering and hoursepower.

You say things during this sex scene, but to make them effective, you have to say why. "Gabumon was enjoying this." Why? What makes him feel so good? Again, sensation.

"Exveemon, on the other hand, did exactly the same as Guilmon, making "On the other hand" completely redundent."

So, what was all that suicide stuff at the begining about? It didn't bare any relivence to the end. There was nothing to justify it. Was it a fable? Is the moral "The path to happyness is casual sex"? If I want a guy later, shall I just go kick him in the balls and drag him to the nearest public convienence? Think about what's socially possible: would you be able to kick a fellow in the crotch and sleep with him two minutes later? Does lending someone your towel make the automaticly your "on the side"?

Your second lemon was best, I think. My advice, other than following all the adice I've already thrown at you, is read more, and read more often.

[rorancrystalwolf]

Wow... I knew they sucked but I didn't think they did THAT much. Well I think that is the end of my lemoning career , I suppose I have to keep looking for something to be good at :-p. Thanks for your time and sorry to dissapoint you. Best Wishes to all of you !

[DragonMasterX]

Well I think that is the end of my lemoning career

And what's that supposed to mean? Giving up so soon?

[rorancrystalwolf]

Actually I submitted 4 so that they could be reviewed and to see if I should even bother continuing. I have written 12 other lemons that I think I should keep to myself... I have alot of work to do on them... according to the reviews anyway. Maybe you all can see them when I submit them in a few months...

[DragonMasterX]

That's better to know, I wouldn't like it if you just left the lemon business just because we are telling you you can improve. That's more like you, I wish you good luck with the editions.

[Herr Mullen]

Wow... I knew they sucked but I didn't think they did THAT much. Well I think that is the end of my lemoning career , I suppose I have to keep looking for something to be good at :-p. Thanks for your time and sorry to dissapoint you. Best Wishes to all of you !

What are you talking about? It's the begining: you use this advice to enchance your writing skill. Look at my Hallowe'en, and even some of Lord Archive's older stuff: it's all rubbish!

"Come on! Full speed ahead! Don't give up!"