Fesh Meat.. any reviewers pick

[DragonMasterX]

Saying to yourself that you suck won't help you at all, why not have this thought: "I posted them, they didn't say they didn't like it, even though they probably didn't; but they pointed out my errors, so why not fix them so I can finally understand how I want this to be done?". Yeah, too long thought, so then... it's better to hear the short version:

"Learn from your mistakes, get stronger."

[rorancrystalwolf]

Well I know that the lemons suck I just needed you guys to point out why so I can make them better. I like to say that they suck so I don't get all cocky and become a weaker person so all the reviews help.

[Herr Mullen]

One more review to go and then I can get this load off my mind.

Ah, that would be me.

I shall begin at the begining, with Lemon I.

Right at the very start, a break where there quite plainly shouldn't be one. Discribing dialogue belongs on the same line as the dialogue it's describing. May main consern here is the speach itself: who do you know, who talks as plainly as that? "I will help you look if you like." There's a comma, missing, there, too. A better way of saying that would be, "Armadilomon looked each way, and, failing to spot any humans, he turned back to Tentomon, and said "Well, he doesn't seem to be here. How about I help you out?"" The additinal action provides insight to personality and intention, as well.

They say each other's names every two seconds. We have not forgotten who we are reading about. There is no-one else there: why would they have to say to whom they are refering every time? And, there should be a comma when you do refer to someone at the end of a sentence. Example: "Do you understand what I'm saying, Timmy?" And sentences are so brief, as well. Remember; adjectives and adverbs mean atmosphere. How things are being done matters as much, if not more than what people are actually saying or doing.

How can a guy move like that when he's being held by two pairs of hands? And why is there no protest? They barely know each other.

To make it worse, Amidilomon's a virgin. I think he'd want to wait for someone he knew rather than some guy who's misplaced a friend.

And then five minutes goes in one sentence! My, oh, my. An author could write so much about those five minutes: the feelings inside Armadilomon, Tentomon's experience, the heat, the breath, the sesations being stirred deep down, or even a building attraction.

After that, the entire plotline is skipped. "Izzy is missing! at the start, then sex, then "Izzy is found!"

I'll do the rest later on, I can only do so much in a sitting.

[Herr Mullen]

Lemon II.

The first paragraphs is a good introduction: "Who is Dante?" It takes that domestic approch that I find so rare outside of the BBC. He's got his packed lunch and he's going on a day trip: it sounds like a traditional Sunday family outing.

But in the second paragraph, it becomes more than that: he has a goal. It's a quest, and adventure! Another are genre. I do like the "without a care in the world..." thing. A great twist on the happy-go-lucky things the genre usually deals with. It's a good bit of realism. The character shown in noting all these details of the day cycle is brillient, and the caution desplayed climbing back down.

Now we see what Roran was doing with the full moon: a foreshadowing through the use of traditional werewolf elements. Great, fantastic, but I didn't know anything about a cabin until he was fleeing toward it. A little time on setting would've been nice.

The care he takes over Weregrarurumon shows those same nature-loving tendencies as the observation of the day cylcle did. Good characterisation.

Wait a moment: Weregarurumon was left bleeding for a day? Lying there, slowly frittering away one of the most vital fluids in his body? Of, course, by now we realise that the answer to the question which made us read on, is, in fact, "He's an original character".

Weregarurumon's responce to Dante's groping is perfect. A titter certainly escaped me, there. The same, brief, upfront dialogue is displayed in Dante, but not in Weregarurumon. Weregarurumon is really, really cool.

It's not "regroup"; it's "recall".

Weregarurumon remain cool, but he's also fast.

"...Given to him by his lover." Dante is fast, too. Just met, and already they're lovers, dispite having no idea what species Weregarurumon is, or weather he likes the same sort of music. Why is everyone so ready to thank people trough sex acts in these stories? Is it currency in the Digital world?

Very brief scene. Refer to my earlier comments, although Roran did get some display of emotion trough action in this time. I rather think that only one set of "eclaimation mark, question mark" would have served it's perpose. The whole tooth think just irked me.

Well, it was enjoyable, certainly, and definately prooves that, if you really thought about it, you could slay us all with a keyboard.

I'll do another one, later.

[rorancrystalwolf]

lol wow I can't stop laughing. Wow, well the tooth thing I did just so that Weregarurumon would have a reason to return to Dante's cabin in the woods. This lemon was my favorite for me.. I don't know why it just sticks out alot to me.. anyway, I hope it made you happy or something...


*** NOTE: I have never had sex before so I am sorry if the whole sex scene thing is less then perfect. ( I am only 15 so forgive me for not having sex before )

[Nate Hunter]

Psst: The winner of the June contest is an admitted virgin too. Don't think that us virgins are automatically bad at writing sex scenes.

[DragonMasterX]

Puuuuuuulease... I'm a Lemon writer too, I'm a virgin, and I think there's no day I don't write sex scenes through MSN.

Whoops... too much info.

[rorancrystalwolf]

Well I know that just because you are a virgin doesn't make you bad at sex scenes... I think I just need to watch some more porn or something

[DragonMasterX]

Lol, that may work.

[Nate Hunter]

Better yet: If you want to write better, read more. Reading will let you see good writing in action, and good techniques.

If you want to write better sex scenes, read more sex scenes -- don't watch them. You may see things, but seeing how to write them is better for your writing skills.