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Hi everyone, I am preety new at writing lemons and I would appreciate some feedback. I don't have any particular choice on the reviewer so anyone with free time is good enough for me!
Lemon 1- This was my first and a request which got my interest in writing lemons rolling
Lemon One
Lemon two- this lemon reflects my love for Weregarurumon and it was the most enjoyable one I have written.
Lemon two
Lemon three- this one was a little close to home because I put alot of me into it
Lemon three
This last one was an experiment to see if I could actually write a threesome.
Lemon four
Happy Reading!
I think I'll take at least one of these for a sure thing, maybe even all four. Keep in mind it may be a day or two before I get to reading it, though, and at least two readings before I properly review it. I'll get back to you once I've got one done, though.
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Thanks a ton! I can't thank you enough.. criticism is the only way I can improve my writing
I'm just glad to see authors who seem interested in improving. Too many fan-authors seem to take the shameful approach that "It's fanfic, it doesn't need to be in-character" or "I'm not going to be a writier, I'm just doing it for fun!" or even use the excuse that their poor writing is just their "style".
The thing is, like any art, style can only come after you know the basics and when you put forth the effort to utilize your knowledge of them. I'm glad to help any author who genuinely wishes to improve their skill rather than masking their lack of it as "style", so I'll probably be glad to see you progress from this point.
DISCLAIMER: Any harsh statements or scores that may follow are purely professional in nature, and are in no way an attack on the author's person or persona. This review is done at the request of the author. Though I don't care if I get flamed for it, I am not trolling nor am I flaming the author with any comments that may follow. You have been warned, as I will not pull my punches.
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WARNING: Seriously, if you're likely to be upset by low scores or harsh comments on the flaws of the story reviewed, please don't read this. I offer positive advice alongside of my harsh criticism, so please, don't try to roast me like some kind of digital pot roast.
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DANGER! This review may offend or damage those authors with a frail social psyche who care more about their "style" than quality and true style. By proceeding you absolve the website host and author of this post and review of any responsibility for such damage, and accept sole blame for any damage your mind may suffer.
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YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!
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Commence review:
Roran Crystalwolf's "Here We Go..."
Scoring Criteria:
Plot: 0
Char: 1
Semantics: 5
Lemon: 2
Writing: 3
Percentage Score: 22% - A Failing Grade
Comments:
My first question... Is this Cody's partner Armadillomon, or a separate character? Indications point to the latter, but characterization, where it does exist, points towards the former. Now feedack...
Plot: What plot? Thinner than DV85 in "The Break Up", this is practically a pure PWP with the only indication of plot being "Izzy is missing!" which is just vague enough to fool some sheep into thinking there's a plot. And just little enough to still qualify as a PWP.
Chaaracterization: Fun, fun, fun. No, seriously, we only know this is Izzy's partner Tentomon from the text. Armadillomon might be halfway in character if he remained ponderous over the story, and Izzy is about as one-dimensional as the pixels you're reading this on. Character is thrown to the roadside to make a quick sex fic, which happens far too often.
Semantics: Spelling is flawless. Punctuation and spacing are bigger concerns. Basic rules of thumb:
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-Welcome to Marine's Review Stature-
[AUTHORITY CODE]: *******
>Welcome Review Officer Marine
>Stature Laws and Guidelines:
1. All reviews are designed for constructive purposes with negative and positive commentary which is soley my opinion. Any authors may denounce the tips they find thereof inside my reviews are opinion only.
2. Any negative comments are not subject unto the author; not unto his/her beliefs, values, and/or ethnicity.
3. Any negative comments are implied to shed light on what can be improved, it is the authors right to accept the comment.
4. Style is subjective. Those who deem to hide behind it will sorely be dismembered.
>Stature and Guildines Signed and Sealed by Review Officer Marine; Authors have been issued these guidlines.
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>Date: Jul 17th, 2006. 10:56 Morning.
>Author: Roran Crystal Wolf
>Story: "Wilted Weed to a Beautiful Rose"
>Score References (Based off a table of 1-10, 10 being the best):
Grammar/Mechanics:6
Plot:3
Lemon:6
Characterization:2
Setting:2
Prose: 5
-Overall Score- (4)
>Grammar/Mechanics: The only thing to comment here is not using commas where they should be, connecting necessary sentences to make the flow better and make the story flow more smoothly.
>Plot: You could've expanded this plot alot more than you initially wrote--the opening paragraph could be their own stories, or series if you express them right. The way you wrote the story, there was no problem that the readers sees or has felt yet, but the solution to Gabumon's depression. You didn't give us a reason to connect with your main character becuase we don't know enough about him.
A second problem I saw was that the lemon scene didn't really connect with the story. It felt out of context or PWP really.
On a side note, the opening line for your story was awsome.
>Lemon: Content wise it was good. The only downsize to it was that it had little or no influence on the main plot, it just seemed to magically appear without warning.
>Characterization: There's not enough of it to reflect on. You give us Gabumon's character right after some climactic change in himself which can frustrate readers. You need to expand their emotions a little bit more in the story for the reader to understand their values and expressions.
>Setting: You have a little bit of setting, just a minute injection with vague, one line sentences which really don't reflect where they are. Setting is a powerful element of writing which can suade your readers to keep reading your works.
>Prose: Throughout most of this piece, you write in short, solid sentences with little variations dotted around. Since this is your first time I'm not going to quip, but sentence variation keeps readers from becoming bored or agitated, and it makes your narration more pleasing to the eye.
[TIPS]:
1. When writing a plot, main characters are often subjected to a problem which they must solve at the end of the work. But to know the problem, something has to happen to the main character for him to see it; a casual crisis that forces the main character to react. For instance with Gabumon, he could have suffered heartbreak in the beginning which develops into depression WHICH he tries to solve by cutting his wrists. Every action in the story has to work towards that goal or you risk losing the readers interest.
2. Setting. Since you are indeed starting to write fiction, I'm only going to give this: take a paragraph for setting and express it through the characters eyes--what would grab his attention.
3. Prose. Variation in sentences brings out a unique flow to your writing, a flow that will keep readers reading and waiting for the next scenes to start to the eventual end of a book. Read a grammar book, learn the different structures of sentences to put your works into better focus.
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07-19-2006, 02:23 AM
(This post was last modified: 07-19-2006, 02:14 PM by DragonMasterX.)
I'll take the third for you Roran.
Review for:
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 Wow I am retarded. I shouldn't have made those mistakes. One more review to go and then I can get this load off my mind. I think I have alot of work to do on Lemon number 5 which I hope to get into the works in a few days. As far as the reviews go, I really appreciate the honesty of the reviews. I like to get a good perspective of how much I suck at writing :D
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