OKay... Diving in.

[circeus]

Well, the Herr had given an encouraging comment on my preview for Pressure, and I was curious as to what he was thinking of the end product.

[Herr Mullen]

Immediatly, we are given the elements of the story: Iroi, bedroom, time, thinking. That's the first paragraph, of thirty-five words. That much information introduces the reader to the story immediately: it less submerges the reader, than forces their head underwater and refuses to let them come up for air. The ones that makes the reader move on, this time, is "What is he thinking?" and "Why can't he sleep?"

We are shown what Iori's thinking about. Cireus has nailed Iori's thought process: he is independent, has a strict code of conduct, which the introduction of such an alien influence as testosterone would challange greatly.

I'd also like to point out, so far perfect grammar and spelling. Hurrah!

The reactions Iori says he has are typical of a teenager. The empathy Cireus shows toward Iroi's situation clear displays a lot of thought, and, perhaps, quite a bit of observation.

I've had prune juice. Unfortunatly, I couldn't spit it out into a sink at the time.

Now we get to explore the effects of the Digital World (or Digiworld, as it was throughout series one). Once again, lots of thought. The reader, by now, has tuned into Iori's thought process, and is quite enjoying his or herself.

That third figure displays the amusing touch to real life. The fantastic thing about such a joke is that it isn't funny to Iori: I daresay he thinks it is very much sad.

If Iori is a real person, then I am convinced that he would use the name "Cireus" on the internet. And if he doesn't, Armadillomon does. This is what fanfiction of this sort is for: the continuation, presivation (and occasionally extention) of characters in a sexual enviroment. Cercius is a master at character presivation. I think Shakespeare's rule of Friendship applies to authors when writing fanfiction, as well;

1: accepts who you have been. A fanfiction writer must have an understanding of how chacters came to be.
2: accepts who you are. A fanfiction writer must understand who the character is at the end of the story.
3: gently allows you to grow. Occasionally, for the sake of enjoyable writing, people like Circius, Archive and Wisemon write in the future. And when a future has past, people have grown, and a good author will have looked at how, and why. This is done fantasticly, here.

And so we get to the sex scene; the point that the entire thing has been building up to. Armadillomion knows Iori so very well, he knows exactly how to get what he wants. He would have seen and watched him grow, probably taking notes, if he had thumbs.

There is a great deal of reactive discription: Iori gasps, he moans, he does all that, but there isn't much about how Iori is feeling. Given the heavy empaisis of his thoughts at the begining, I think that the story could further improve by discribing the sensations that character feels. You can still see into their though processes, but thoughts and feelings are very different, especially when writing things of this nature.

There is a paragraph which discribes the motion of Iori's precum. This is a great example of discripting writing. it's almost a romantic image, which is fantastic in lemon writing.

I love this extention on a classic metaphor. "...Beyond theological constructs." Brillient: twisting things beyond what we usually think is a great way to please a reader. It shows individual sparkle.

Sorry if I talk like you aren't reading, Cireus, but I like to teach others what you've done so very well. Overall, a very enjoyable and rare look into Iori and Armalliomon's relationship. Spendid chacracterisation, and only one slip up, grammar and spelling wise, but we all miss things proofreading, don't we?

[circeus]

this is giving me allsorts of warm fuzzies. Thanks a lot for that.

There is a great deal of reactive discription: Iori gasps, he moans, he does all that, but there isn't much about how Iori is feeling. Given the heavy empaisis of his thoughts at the begining, I think that the story could further improve by discribing the sensations that character feels. You can still see into their though processes, but thoughts and feelings are very different, especially when writing things of this nature.

That is quite a pertinent comment. I'll try to take it into account with the rest of the series.

and only one slip up, grammar and spelling wise, but we all miss things proofreading, don't we?

Yeah I know. It's probably the first thing that jumped at me when I re-read it after it was uploaded.