07-28-2006, 09:20 AM
Hello, good evening, and welcome to another round of Pin the Grammar in the Sentence. In further delves into writing on the DaD, past and present (however Da Wolfe assures me I shall soon have a small team of mediums that will allow me to pop into the future, as well), today I shall be reveiwing, oh, I don't know, I'll pick a name at random... Dragoon.
Now, I've picked a single from the vast archives, and it's a Matt and Kari coupling. That's suprisingly original. Think about this, budding writers: TK likes Kari, but she dates her brother. There's a conflict point, right there. And Kari's brother is also Matt's best friend: if Matt ever treats her badly, then there's another possible conflict. That's two possible relationships to be explored, plus the original coupling. That can make for a very interesting story, indeed.
And let's not go into the possiblity of Davis forcing Ken into a rock band he just invented to impress Kari.
So, will the mounted cavilry take note and exploit these possibilies? Have I just opened a bag of sex without plot? Let's see what we have, here, and read on.
Ladies and gentlemen, Perfect Lovers.
One look is all it takes. Immediately, a dread that I have not felt since I was five, when a puppy chased me under a coffee table, decends upon me like the tablecloth as I attempted to hide myself from the short, barking creature. I see a block of text, which starts to space itself toward the end. Now, say it with me, class: "New speakers need new lines!" And indents don't hurt, either: left block is business ettiquette. At any other time, you use an indent. That's the "tab" button on most word processors.
Right. Onto the story itself. Maybe, just maybe, we'll be suprised, like a blimp entusiast watching his stocks plunge lower and lower into the firery depths of the capitalist equivilant of where bad people live when they're dead, allegidly.
Well, we have a point of conflict. I myself think the Hikari's much to honest just to ask once and accept Matt's decision. I think she'd press him. And I don't think Matt would act quite so rudely towards his best friend.
So, they kiss, and it's revealed that Kari's been around. That's a valaid interpritation of the TK, Kari and Davis triangle that makes for many good conflict points in lemon writing. Take note: many characters could be said to have dark sides. Authors can take advantage of this to create some interesting reads. See Wisemon's "You Don't Love Me Anymore", and, if you're up to it, "I Don't Care If You Love Me Anymore", the British version, which you can access by clicking on the big glasses below.
India? Where did that come from? It's more likely to by Kyoto, given the multiple ties in the series.
You can see the typos quite clearly by the poor context. Solution: proofread.
Another conflict point: Kari's virginity. It's all discussed and settled in two points of dialogue, but had it been extended into a story preluding the situation we currently find ourselves reading, then we could have had further fun.
"...But stopped himself making it last" needs a comma. Ten points where ever you put in missing punctuation correctly, by the way. We'll total up scores at the end of this round.
This is clearly a male writer. He has no idea how female physiology works: a lady will not have an orgasm from having something in her mouth. Ladies are much less volitile than men.
Sensations, fine, but here there's no real discriptive power that grips the reader into those sensations. Just vague words like "incredible feeling". Why not "The stirring, powerful sensation that hinted at a building climax, pulsing steadily in his hormonal centres"? Isn't that so much more impressive?
Remember: the things you do with words are more likely to thrill than the things your characters do with each other.
Any men reading this, remember that the female form is a beutiful thing. It has inspired countless artists, architects, and poets: to talk just of her areas using common slang is a discrace to their beauty. Complex literary constructs, pilliars of simmilie, archs of metaphor, and slightly veiled allusions to the actions and instruments being employed should be used. And don't restrict yourselves to the breasts, or the part where you put yourself: talk about her elbow. Explain the beauty of her knees. Craft her fingers in our minds, depict the small of her back; for heaven's sake, make us think of her skin. The most sexy parts of the body are not the bits that are actually sought or used, but the bits between. A floating pair of breasts and her delicacy just isn't sexy. How would it look if all those Greek sculpters had just spent all their time making sure the breasts looked good, and neglected her lower legs, or her earlobes? Sure, great bust, but that wouldn't rope anyone.
"Erotica is taking the duck's feather and playing it around her enterance: porn is just taking the whole duck and stuffing it streight up her." That's a rule to write by. Stroke her thighs, tickle her stomach, show us her midriff, depict us her sides. Build up to the scene, don't just say "He gets oral, she gets oral, then he impales her." That's obvious.
I like the rhyming dialogue at the end, there. That was a nice touch.
And thus we come crashing to the end of that round. To recap: talk about the entire body, and interesting stories are built on conflict.
Now, I've picked a single from the vast archives, and it's a Matt and Kari coupling. That's suprisingly original. Think about this, budding writers: TK likes Kari, but she dates her brother. There's a conflict point, right there. And Kari's brother is also Matt's best friend: if Matt ever treats her badly, then there's another possible conflict. That's two possible relationships to be explored, plus the original coupling. That can make for a very interesting story, indeed.
And let's not go into the possiblity of Davis forcing Ken into a rock band he just invented to impress Kari.
So, will the mounted cavilry take note and exploit these possibilies? Have I just opened a bag of sex without plot? Let's see what we have, here, and read on.
Ladies and gentlemen, Perfect Lovers.
One look is all it takes. Immediately, a dread that I have not felt since I was five, when a puppy chased me under a coffee table, decends upon me like the tablecloth as I attempted to hide myself from the short, barking creature. I see a block of text, which starts to space itself toward the end. Now, say it with me, class: "New speakers need new lines!" And indents don't hurt, either: left block is business ettiquette. At any other time, you use an indent. That's the "tab" button on most word processors.
Right. Onto the story itself. Maybe, just maybe, we'll be suprised, like a blimp entusiast watching his stocks plunge lower and lower into the firery depths of the capitalist equivilant of where bad people live when they're dead, allegidly.
Well, we have a point of conflict. I myself think the Hikari's much to honest just to ask once and accept Matt's decision. I think she'd press him. And I don't think Matt would act quite so rudely towards his best friend.
So, they kiss, and it's revealed that Kari's been around. That's a valaid interpritation of the TK, Kari and Davis triangle that makes for many good conflict points in lemon writing. Take note: many characters could be said to have dark sides. Authors can take advantage of this to create some interesting reads. See Wisemon's "You Don't Love Me Anymore", and, if you're up to it, "I Don't Care If You Love Me Anymore", the British version, which you can access by clicking on the big glasses below.
India? Where did that come from? It's more likely to by Kyoto, given the multiple ties in the series.
You can see the typos quite clearly by the poor context. Solution: proofread.
Another conflict point: Kari's virginity. It's all discussed and settled in two points of dialogue, but had it been extended into a story preluding the situation we currently find ourselves reading, then we could have had further fun.
"...But stopped himself making it last" needs a comma. Ten points where ever you put in missing punctuation correctly, by the way. We'll total up scores at the end of this round.
This is clearly a male writer. He has no idea how female physiology works: a lady will not have an orgasm from having something in her mouth. Ladies are much less volitile than men.
Sensations, fine, but here there's no real discriptive power that grips the reader into those sensations. Just vague words like "incredible feeling". Why not "The stirring, powerful sensation that hinted at a building climax, pulsing steadily in his hormonal centres"? Isn't that so much more impressive?
Remember: the things you do with words are more likely to thrill than the things your characters do with each other.
Any men reading this, remember that the female form is a beutiful thing. It has inspired countless artists, architects, and poets: to talk just of her areas using common slang is a discrace to their beauty. Complex literary constructs, pilliars of simmilie, archs of metaphor, and slightly veiled allusions to the actions and instruments being employed should be used. And don't restrict yourselves to the breasts, or the part where you put yourself: talk about her elbow. Explain the beauty of her knees. Craft her fingers in our minds, depict the small of her back; for heaven's sake, make us think of her skin. The most sexy parts of the body are not the bits that are actually sought or used, but the bits between. A floating pair of breasts and her delicacy just isn't sexy. How would it look if all those Greek sculpters had just spent all their time making sure the breasts looked good, and neglected her lower legs, or her earlobes? Sure, great bust, but that wouldn't rope anyone.
"Erotica is taking the duck's feather and playing it around her enterance: porn is just taking the whole duck and stuffing it streight up her." That's a rule to write by. Stroke her thighs, tickle her stomach, show us her midriff, depict us her sides. Build up to the scene, don't just say "He gets oral, she gets oral, then he impales her." That's obvious.
I like the rhyming dialogue at the end, there. That was a nice touch.
And thus we come crashing to the end of that round. To recap: talk about the entire body, and interesting stories are built on conflict.