07-17-2006, 11:19 AM
I say! Enoch!
I read the first of this guy's stories on the DHZ: I must say, as soon as I read the first chaper, I was following this chap's progress. Someone tell him he has a fan. Anyway, when Reboot came along, and we were intoduced to Graham, I was a little aprehencive. Oooh, original characters: risky! However, it doesn't seem to have had a negative impact on the story. So, I'm reveiwing "Concience", which can be found here.
We left our heros thusly: Koushiro caught Daisuke and Takeru in the act, and Chris had just entered the Digital World.
For some reason, this Aurimon reminds me of Calumon: it's that slightly timid, rather naive approach he takes to Chris fainting. Besides, I think the voice suits him. This action-based fight-scene opening lacks, however, in a device called "tension": it's quite immediately "Oh, dear, something bad's happening over there, here comes whatever it is." Although the story works with this a little bit, with a shiver, and Aurimon's raising panic, it could have been a lot more drawn out. We could have seen Aurimon become more and more nervious, and more and more paniced over several paragraphs, whilst discriptions on the movement of tree and birds could have brought us some real build up.
Or, the fight scene could have been put off. There could have been some partner interaction between then to warrent this line: ""You... you're fighting... for me?"" That would have a greater impact if he had put of the fight scene, and gone into some dialogue, where Chris is apprencive and catious of this new world and unfamilier animals. Aurimon could have been trying to gain his trust, Chris could have been unwilling to place it in him, and there'd be a bit of dramatic build up.
As it is, this fight scene leads us to a "Later that Night" point. These two are very fast, aren't they? They only met each other today, and they're already having mad, passionate sex. This seems to counter the naive persona I thought Aurimon had in place at the begining. But all this caution that both he and Chris disply could make for an awkward romance, if it's played right.
This villian isn't so bad. I do like the issues he has with the codes: baddies should always have a weak point. However, in his paragaph, the wonderful trend of new paragraphs for new speakers isn't followed. Tisk, tisk: proofreading! Ah, well, we all miss something. The politics Graham's using is very clever. Most people overlook that sort of thing.
The final passage reveals, gasp, Koushiro has a thing for Tai. This series, enjoyable as it may be, has what many Yaoi and Yuri writers fall into; Statistical Improbability. One in ten are homosexual, that's been a constant figure throughtout history, but in many fictions, including Van's "Cody's a Whore" and my own "Rather Camp", there is an overload of them. Sure, one gay coupling, great. Two, bit of a stretch, but fine. But when every single guy in the thing is gay, that's usually too far. It doesn't affect my enjoyment, but it does stretch credibility.
I prefered the first two chapers, but I know how hard it is to write a series, especially using original characters. You have all these ideas you want to put in all at once, but you can't: you have to write tons before you can get to the points you really want to say.
Enoch is a great Yaoi writer, and if he can keep himself under control, he could be a very good author. He shouldn't be afraid to draw things out, and shouldn't shy away from poetic devices like metaohor
I read the first of this guy's stories on the DHZ: I must say, as soon as I read the first chaper, I was following this chap's progress. Someone tell him he has a fan. Anyway, when Reboot came along, and we were intoduced to Graham, I was a little aprehencive. Oooh, original characters: risky! However, it doesn't seem to have had a negative impact on the story. So, I'm reveiwing "Concience", which can be found here.
We left our heros thusly: Koushiro caught Daisuke and Takeru in the act, and Chris had just entered the Digital World.
For some reason, this Aurimon reminds me of Calumon: it's that slightly timid, rather naive approach he takes to Chris fainting. Besides, I think the voice suits him. This action-based fight-scene opening lacks, however, in a device called "tension": it's quite immediately "Oh, dear, something bad's happening over there, here comes whatever it is." Although the story works with this a little bit, with a shiver, and Aurimon's raising panic, it could have been a lot more drawn out. We could have seen Aurimon become more and more nervious, and more and more paniced over several paragraphs, whilst discriptions on the movement of tree and birds could have brought us some real build up.
Or, the fight scene could have been put off. There could have been some partner interaction between then to warrent this line: ""You... you're fighting... for me?"" That would have a greater impact if he had put of the fight scene, and gone into some dialogue, where Chris is apprencive and catious of this new world and unfamilier animals. Aurimon could have been trying to gain his trust, Chris could have been unwilling to place it in him, and there'd be a bit of dramatic build up.
As it is, this fight scene leads us to a "Later that Night" point. These two are very fast, aren't they? They only met each other today, and they're already having mad, passionate sex. This seems to counter the naive persona I thought Aurimon had in place at the begining. But all this caution that both he and Chris disply could make for an awkward romance, if it's played right.
This villian isn't so bad. I do like the issues he has with the codes: baddies should always have a weak point. However, in his paragaph, the wonderful trend of new paragraphs for new speakers isn't followed. Tisk, tisk: proofreading! Ah, well, we all miss something. The politics Graham's using is very clever. Most people overlook that sort of thing.
The final passage reveals, gasp, Koushiro has a thing for Tai. This series, enjoyable as it may be, has what many Yaoi and Yuri writers fall into; Statistical Improbability. One in ten are homosexual, that's been a constant figure throughtout history, but in many fictions, including Van's "Cody's a Whore" and my own "Rather Camp", there is an overload of them. Sure, one gay coupling, great. Two, bit of a stretch, but fine. But when every single guy in the thing is gay, that's usually too far. It doesn't affect my enjoyment, but it does stretch credibility.
I prefered the first two chapers, but I know how hard it is to write a series, especially using original characters. You have all these ideas you want to put in all at once, but you can't: you have to write tons before you can get to the points you really want to say.
Enoch is a great Yaoi writer, and if he can keep himself under control, he could be a very good author. He shouldn't be afraid to draw things out, and shouldn't shy away from poetic devices like metaohor