11-01-2006, 05:12 AM
This dark, eerie evening, Herr Mullen does not reveiw at random. Herr Mullen talks in third person, and looks back a year, to his very first lemon.
This evening, I shall be brutal in a self evaluation of my own holiday lemon, Hallwe'en.
A bit lacking in format, as the title isn't centred, underlined, or emboldened as is standard in my fictions. I've managed to split a paragraph where I shouldn't have, either. On the plus side, it's a good introduction to the senario, but it's far too brief.
The thoughts aren't right, either. No speachmarks, should have a semicolon at the begining.
The discription is far, far too brief. This is a consistant failure throughout the peice. It's basicly a list of events, one after another. nothing terribly interesting.
The image of Koushiro is out of character, however it is with humourous intent. The antropomophic personification of Daisuke's blood is actually quite funny, however "All night long" just seems out of place.
TK's singing, though intended to be humourous, is out of character. He's French, not English, so how he would know Robbie William's "I Don't Want To Rock, DJ" is beyond me.
Though it's small smile worthy, the narration overuses paragraphs and is somehow awkward.
A missed indent.
Wormon's more restrained than that, and Jyou wouldn't even think of turning up as the Kaizer. It's just mean, and in poor taste, too.
Far, far too brief. The whole thing moves too fast.
This unrefined self narration serves only to break up the story. it's not funny, and simply provides a good little bit about fireworks into it. Other than that, it's silly.
Missed the "n" from "done".
A blazer is not a coat: it's a jacket. The humour in the difference between men and women, however, is just fine.
"Sock" is singular, and "them" is plural. someone missed an "s", I think.
The self narration is simply silly, and the bit about the party is largely irrelivant.
Missed an indent. The sex scene is brief, and without any actual discription.
The cheesy movies thing is actually rather funny, and has since become a running gag.
Another missed indent.
The ending seems weak and rushed.
In conclusion, not that great.
This evening, I shall be brutal in a self evaluation of my own holiday lemon, Hallwe'en.
A bit lacking in format, as the title isn't centred, underlined, or emboldened as is standard in my fictions. I've managed to split a paragraph where I shouldn't have, either. On the plus side, it's a good introduction to the senario, but it's far too brief.
The thoughts aren't right, either. No speachmarks, should have a semicolon at the begining.
The discription is far, far too brief. This is a consistant failure throughout the peice. It's basicly a list of events, one after another. nothing terribly interesting.
The image of Koushiro is out of character, however it is with humourous intent. The antropomophic personification of Daisuke's blood is actually quite funny, however "All night long" just seems out of place.
TK's singing, though intended to be humourous, is out of character. He's French, not English, so how he would know Robbie William's "I Don't Want To Rock, DJ" is beyond me.
Though it's small smile worthy, the narration overuses paragraphs and is somehow awkward.
A missed indent.
Wormon's more restrained than that, and Jyou wouldn't even think of turning up as the Kaizer. It's just mean, and in poor taste, too.
Far, far too brief. The whole thing moves too fast.
This unrefined self narration serves only to break up the story. it's not funny, and simply provides a good little bit about fireworks into it. Other than that, it's silly.
Missed the "n" from "done".
A blazer is not a coat: it's a jacket. The humour in the difference between men and women, however, is just fine.
"Sock" is singular, and "them" is plural. someone missed an "s", I think.
The self narration is simply silly, and the bit about the party is largely irrelivant.
Missed an indent. The sex scene is brief, and without any actual discription.
The cheesy movies thing is actually rather funny, and has since become a running gag.
Another missed indent.
The ending seems weak and rushed.
In conclusion, not that great.