07-14-2006, 01:48 AM
the writing is general is pretty good, but some things in regard to caracterization just don't click. Nate has a few points, and I'll add...
-I can't see Gatomon snapping at Gabumon like she does in the intro. Chastizing him, maybe, but right out snapping like that? Nope.
-She also certainly does not hit me as the kind of digimon who would stand on the sidelines and say "Oh my!" when involved in a love triangle. If anything, she would tell Veemon and Patamon to can it, especially if other people are around, but she wouldn't let them get at each other's throat without doing something.
-Regarding Veemon and Patamon themselves, I can't picture them getting that much worked up over it. Competition, certainly, but anger and hate? Nah. They don't really have the confrontational ring that Davis, Matt or Tai have shown.
-You might want to go into more details as to what exactly happen with Veemon and Takeru. The way it's currently written, it just has this massive subtext of "not just an accident", but it is written off so vaguely the reader cannot makes their own idea about it.
Also, the story sound like it aimed to try and please everyone: masturbation, het, yaoi, crossbreeding... But in the end, it just feels like the heart wasn't really in some of the scenes, such the Gatomon masturbation one.
-I can't see Gatomon snapping at Gabumon like she does in the intro. Chastizing him, maybe, but right out snapping like that? Nope.
-She also certainly does not hit me as the kind of digimon who would stand on the sidelines and say "Oh my!" when involved in a love triangle. If anything, she would tell Veemon and Patamon to can it, especially if other people are around, but she wouldn't let them get at each other's throat without doing something.
-Regarding Veemon and Patamon themselves, I can't picture them getting that much worked up over it. Competition, certainly, but anger and hate? Nah. They don't really have the confrontational ring that Davis, Matt or Tai have shown.
-You might want to go into more details as to what exactly happen with Veemon and Takeru. The way it's currently written, it just has this massive subtext of "not just an accident", but it is written off so vaguely the reader cannot makes their own idea about it.
Also, the story sound like it aimed to try and please everyone: masturbation, het, yaoi, crossbreeding... But in the end, it just feels like the heart wasn't really in some of the scenes, such the Gatomon masturbation one.