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Gaze into the eyes of a monter
#1
Gaze into the eyes of a monster - Digimon lemon by MISTER BIG T
Aye caramaba, porlo loco i maco?! No doubt my longest story ever.

Prologue

Biyomon gave a yawn and checked the clock on the wall again. The lights flickered in the nearly abandoned hospital. There was horrible stench in the air, which she could not recognize.

"He's late...." she thought to herself.

Biyomon sat in front of a door, which lead to an operation room. Into the room where her lover Hawkmon was being treated because of what had happened...

"I wonder......If it'll finally come to an end.... I wonder if he'll.... Survive...." she thought to herself.

She cursed herself thinking how this had all began from something so stupid.

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Chapter 1: Childish gamble

One day earlier...

The first snow of the year had came. It was already near Christmas, just few more days
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[Image: promo.jpg]

Lord Patamon Wrote:King of sadism alright, that's a perfect title for you
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#2
Well, as you thought, this story is somewhat better than "Price of Dishonesty", but it's still riddled with flaws...

For one thing, you leave one question unresolved -- who won the bet the Digimon were making? You don't tell us that, nor does it even seem to matter in the end. A lot of the errors are semantic or grammatical, but the plot also feels a bit weak, even for a Takari which seems to incorporate the common Anti-Veemon/Davis attitude that they'd resort to violence to get Kari/Gatomon found in many Takari stories.

A few small points on your Takari lemon scene, though...

(1) Kari would probably have seen Tai's penis at some point. Not only are they siblings, but they share a bedroom.

(2) Virginal females don't really have it any easier to reach orgasm than slutty or experienced females, and in fact those more used to it would have it easier. Sort of the opposite of men.

(3) Kari sucks dick like a pro, which shouldn't be happening if this is really her first time. Likewise with Takeru licking her out.

More to come after work, but I need to get on my way. I'll even do a more in-depth review then...
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#3
the writing is general is pretty good, but some things in regard to caracterization just don't click. Nate has a few points, and I'll add...

-I can't see Gatomon snapping at Gabumon like she does in the intro. Chastizing him, maybe, but right out snapping like that? Nope.

-She also certainly does not hit me as the kind of digimon who would stand on the sidelines and say "Oh my!" when involved in a love triangle. If anything, she would tell Veemon and Patamon to can it, especially if other people are around, but she wouldn't let them get at each other's throat without doing something.

-Regarding Veemon and Patamon themselves, I can't picture them getting that much worked up over it. Competition, certainly, but anger and hate? Nah. They don't really have the confrontational ring that Davis, Matt or Tai have shown.

-You might want to go into more details as to what exactly happen with Veemon and Takeru. The way it's currently written, it just has this massive subtext of "not just an accident", but it is written off so vaguely the reader cannot makes their own idea about it.

Also, the story sound like it aimed to try and please everyone: masturbation, het, yaoi, crossbreeding... But in the end, it just feels like the heart wasn't really in some of the scenes, such the Gatomon masturbation one.
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#4
Nate Hunter Wrote:Well, as you thought, this story is somewhat better than "Price of Dishonesty", but it's still riddled with flaws...

For one thing, you leave one question unresolved -- who won the bet the Digimon were making? You don't tell us that, nor does it even seem to matter in the end.

Of course it didn't matter at the end, what with something more serious things going on than childish gambles.

Quote:A lot of the errors are semantic or grammatical, but the plot also feels a bit weak, even for a Takari which seems to incorporate the common Anti-Veemon/Davis attitude that they'd resort to violence to get Kari/Gatomon found in many Takari stories.

This wasn't Anti-Veemon/Davis lemon. And the two didn't resort to violence to get Kari/Gatomon.

Quote:More to come after work, but I need to get on my way. I'll even do a more in-depth review then...

I certainly am looking for that, I enjoyed this mini review too.

Quote:-I can't see Gatomon snapping at Gabumon like she does in the intro. Chastizing him, maybe, but right out snapping like that? Nope.

Wait, snap? She just hissed because he kept complaining even though the star was silver because of his mistake.

Quote:-She also certainly does not hit me as the kind of digimon who would stand on the sidelines and say "Oh my!" when involved in a love triangle. If anything, she would tell Veemon and Patamon to can it, especially if other people are around, but she wouldn't let them get at each other's throat without doing something.

Umm, she did NOT let them get into each others throats... She stopped Patamon. And most of the other time, she wasn't even there.

Quote:-Regarding Veemon and Patamon themselves, I can't picture them getting that much worked up over it. Competition, certainly, but anger and hate? Nah. They don't really have the confrontational ring that Davis, Matt or Tai have shown.

I thought the Digis would learn from their masters. In more ways than one.

*Davis winks at Veemon*

Quote:-You might want to go into more details as to what exactly happen with Veemon and Takeru. The way it's currently written, it just has this massive subtext of "not just an accident", but it is written off so vaguely the reader cannot makes their own idea about it.

Yeah, I ran into troubles at this part. I didn't want to make anti veemon and still the plot called for Veemon to do something to TK.

Quote:Also, the story sound like it aimed to try and please everyone: masturbation, het, yaoi, crossbreeding... But in the end, it just feels like the heart wasn't really in some of the scenes, such the Gatomon masturbation one.

The masturbation scene was short because the point was that Gatomon was so aroused that she came nearly immediattly. [/quote]
[Image: Seethsig.jpg]

[Image: promo.jpg]

Lord Patamon Wrote:King of sadism alright, that's a perfect title for you
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#5
MISTER BIG T Wrote:
Nate Hunter Wrote:A lot of the errors are semantic or grammatical, but the plot also feels a bit weak, even for a Takari which seems to incorporate the common Anti-Veemon/Davis attitude that they'd resort to violence to get Kari/Gatomon found in many Takari stories.

This wasn't Anti-Veemon/Davis lemon. And the two didn't resort to violence to get Kari/Gatomon.

I said "seems" -- as Circeus pointed out, we don't really know whether Veemon did or did not resort to Violence, we only have his word that he didn't do it, as well as an incriminating situation. I never said the story was an anti-Veemon or anti-Davis, only that is seems to have a certain attitude common of such fics. I have a little persona.l work to do before I review this properly, though, so until then, peace.
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#6
MISTER BIG T Wrote:
Quote:-I can't see Gatomon snapping at Gabumon like she does in the intro. Chastizing him, maybe, but right out snapping like that? Nope.

Wait, snap? She just hissed because he kept complaining even though the star was silver because of his mistake.

What we do read is that Gabumon complains once and that she hisses (which is not really better than snapping, actually) at him. There is no indication that he has been complaining already. And it still hit me as transposing Gatomon as bitchier than she is. (That and Gabumon would know better)

Quote:Umm, she did NOT let them get into each others throats... She stopped Patamon. And most of the other time, she wasn't even there.

My point is that she would not let it happen at all and defuse it way before it could reach that point. Gatomon is not a submissive character. If anything she would knock their skull together to get them to get along.

Quote:The masturbation scene was short because the point was that Gatomon was so aroused that she came nearly immediattly.
It lacked interest too, even if the real-time action was short. There was no real indication of lead-up tension or something. That's why it fells to me as if it was just kind of...thrown in for the heck of it.
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