08-30-2006, 12:48 AM
Concerning a tiebreaker, I'd like the other judges to decide whether or not there ought to be one. I don't mind being a co-Author of the Month with Herr Mullen, and we have had a draw at least once before. However, if Two of the other judges want a tiebreaker, I will pass the entries on to Wisemon for a tiebreaker review.
Here are my own scores on the entries:
[quote]Review #1: MISTER BIG T - "I Shall Fuck Your Corpse Tonight"
Plot: 4/20
There is little plot. This is a fetish piece with the entire purpose being the violent acts enacted upon Sora and Hikari. Were there a plot this might almost be something I could stomach, but between my unfortunate empathy for characters in these stories, I nearly became sick in reading it. There's a line between simply being "unique" or "unusual" and being "sickening", and this story crosses it.
Character: 4/20
Takeru/Daisuke/Whoever our narrator is is horribly out of character, assuming he IS someone from the show. None of the Chosen would be likely to find this level of violence sexual, except possibly Ken (or maybe even Miyako), and to go to the point of Murder we can only see one who would go so far during a sexual encounter. And even then he'd probably be wracked by guilt if he did that.
Perhaps for such an extreme SM fetishist, even a snuff fetishist, this person is in character, but such an extreme fetish seems out of place with the established characters in at least the first two seasons of Digimon.
Hikari is. . . A bit flat. Much like Kimberly, the Pink Ranger, in Agony in Pink. I did not like Agony and I do not like this story. Hikari is a cutout chosen for violent fantasies to be acted upon, and lacks proper personality in this fetish-piece.
Lemon: 8/20
The actual lemon content, regardless of what Big T, claims, is not in the mutilation of Hikari, but in the rape of Sora. This is poorly written, as with the Narrator being our focal viewpoint he should be remembering the scene as he watches it, possibly with some relish and embellishment on how he felt as he did it. I won't grade the torture as a lemon scene, and what sex is present in the SEX SCENES is weak and dry. For the sake of the appropriate fetishist, however, this is presumably well written and erotic.
Quality: 17/20
The writing seems good -- quite vague, but the first-person anonymous requires such behaviour. I'd say that I can't really award a 20 in quality to this largely because as a non-native speaker a lot of descriptions take a bit of time to grasp properly. My biggest gripe is that the narrator switches between the present and past while telling us this tale, which is a flaw some authors use to support a style; introducing places or persons in the present, but telling the story in the past can be a stylistic tool.
Semantics: 17/20
Another strong point here, which is good considering Big T claims English as his third language. This is undobtedly what led to several of the spelling and wording inaccuracies which detracted from this score. The posterior of another person is not "but", but rather is the "butt", while a scream is "muffled" rather than "ruffled". Some wording is also a bit awkward, so while accurate or understandable, it is a bit off from my semantic view and understanding of the language.
Comments:
Guro, contrary to Big T's claim, is not simply a subgenre of gore. Here's what Wikipedia says about EroGuro, often shortened to simply Guro.
[quote=Wikipedia] EroGuro is a concept or movement or sub-genre, still somewhat loosely defined, that has emerged inside multiple schools of Japanese art and music. The word EroGuro or Ero Guro Nansensu is gairaigo derived from the English phrase "erotic grotesque nonsense", and is sometimes shortened to simply guro (though this shortening is usually used to describe pornography).
. . .
The typifying element of EroGuro visual art is the macabre intermingled with sexual overtones. Often the erotic element, even when not explicit, is merged with grotesque themes and features - rather similar to the works of H. R. Giger. Some visual artists who produce work classifiable as EroGuro intend for it to be a deconstruction of Otaku sexuality or a critique of Japanese consumer culture. Others produce EroGuro as a genre of Japanese pornography and hentai involving blood, gore, disfiguration, mutilation, urine, enemas, or feces. The line between art and pornography in EroGuro is potentially blurrier than anywhere else in the art world today.[/quote]
Due to this, and the fact that the story is a fetish piece, I'm, afraid that it is unfortunately disqualified for its lack of a proper sex scene. This may qualify as Guro, however it is also Snuff and Vore, which are not things I can personally condone. Though this story may prove sexual to some, just as Agony in Pink, it is no more a lemon than Agony. Actually, I would chance to say it is LESS of one.
Final Score: 50/100
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Review #2 - Knight of the New Moon - "The Dark Side of Love"
Plot: 10/20
I suppose I can see a semblance of plot in this story, although it almost seems contrived to lead us directly to the place this authors wants us in. The awakening of the Dark Seed over something so trivial, the return of the Kaizer, and the raping of Miyako. Nothing really new here, except the person writing it. There's a plot, but it's been done and it's been done better. ((Note: Even I've written Ken going dark over a fight with Miyako about sex))
Character: 11/20
Miyako seems fairly in character, but something about her crying over any boy seems out of place to me. She might get distraught, but I don't think, even with someone she loved, she would let tears of anger flow.
Ken going dark is one of the oldest plot devices in Zero Two fanfic, and it's not even pulled off especially well here. He gets angry, the Dark Seed tempts him, and he gives in. Is it really that strong after so long dormant? And to so quickly move to rape as his tool of revenge? Even I didn't drive him quite that far. Just close.
Lemon: 5/20
For a rape scene, this isn't bad or good. It's just sort of. . . "Meh." The sen, even for a rape, is too short. We should at least have more of a feel for what Miyako is thinking as this happens, but the author shows little empathy for his viewpoint character, which is crucial for a rape whether your viewpoint is the rapist or the victim.
Quality: 8/20
Emotional connection is faint if present at all, the use of artistic tools such as metaphor are dropped in favor of more analytical tools such as character analysis and thought. A bit sub-par as a story, though not so bad for a lemon, and the often redundant elements detract from enjoyment by using a redundant wording.
Semantics: 10/20
A lot of redundant words show up here. If Miyako has just come from America to Japan, it's clear she needed to talk to Hikari not just voice to voice, but in person. If she just needed to talk, she could have called. Also a large number of commas seem to be missing where they should start or end a parenthetical bit of dialogue ("Soon, my love, you will feel the pain. . ."). There are also a few words which I feel could have been done better with a close, but different, word. Mistaken punctuation as well, with question marks where there probably should be periods (or commas, when dialogue breaks to narrative). Also, sometimes he uses the wrong word out of a set of homonyms.
Comments:
I know you've told me you don't plan to write lemons that often, but this is still a bit of a travesty for any writer, Knight. As a writer you often fail to use artistic tools in favor of analytical ones, and you rarely use enough time to build an empathy for the viewpoint character from the reader. I never could quite put my finger on it before today. Part of that may be that you don't allow yourself empathy for a fear that it may cloud the story, but a story with emotional detachment is just words on paper (or a computer screen) and not a real story.
Final Score: 44/100
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Review #3 - Crimson Fix - "Beyond Destiny"
NOTE: Crimson Fox's "Beyond Destiny" is disqualified from winning due to it's length, which is well in excess of the 25 page restriction I placed upon the contest. However I am still sharing the scores, as they should help him understand a number of point s in which he can improve.
Plot: 12/20
The plot is executed in a particularly dull fashion, when it could have been done much better. Ultimately, the plot is simply BWG's struggle to adapt himself to living a normal life in spite of his past, and with his darkness brought into the physical, he FIGHTS it. Interesting, I recently played a game that ends with the hero fighting his dark ambitions and potential. . . You can't win against yourself by fighting.
Character: 10/20
Characterizations seem odd. You see people staring at BWG because he is a viral Digimon, however there are only four attributes for normal Digimon -- Data, Vaccine, Virus and Unknown. There is no reason for one digimon to fear another simply because they're a virus or because they're powerful, unless he's emanating an invisible aura of malevolence, which is no different from a human. The overall characterization of the Digimon "society" seems too human in my mind for the Adventure world. Lillymon doesn't have lingerie under her clothes -- they're a part of her form, if not her body -- nor would Digimon need a contraceptive of any sort. Assuming the do reproduce sexually, they don't rear their children in the human fashion.
BWG seems too. . . quickly changed. He doesn't have the sense of humour to joke with Digitamamon, nor has he the personality to become embarrassed by a mere compliment to his looks. Lillymon, while admittedly not the one we know from the show, is very dull and flat, with little genuine personality as far as I can read. Digitamamon is the same lovable egg as he was in the dub, right down to his tendency for egg jokes. Doumon makes me think of Miroku.
Chaos WarGreymon is what Dark WarGreymon used to be and what he fears becoming -- a mindless destroyer.
Lemon: 15/20
Though technically good, this is lacking in the important areas of grabbing, and holding, attention. This story has no need for this scene, making it gratuitous, and you fall into one of your worst mistakes during the scene -- breaking your artistic prose with vulgar terms like "pussy", "cock", "twat" and "dick."
One point I find most illustrative of my noticings is that this scene is clearly written by a man. Lillymon is not only still alert, but wants more sex at the end of being eaten out and having an orgasm, but in the end we find "both drained of nearly all their energy." A masculine trait written by a man who may not be familiar with the female mind and the rezactiosn of sex on feminine physiology. I won't claim to know them firsthand, but I do research and study, and even with multiple orgasms -- women aren't simply "done" in the way men are after they orgasm.
Quality: 8/20
The story opens with a paragraph that says, "It was dark. So dark you couldn't see anything, not that there was anything to see." Already you are wasting space Crimson Fox, by giving us too much information. You do not improve over the first page, or any other part of the story, for that matter. Whereas Knight used too few words to allow us to build empathy, you use so many that all it shows is a lack of confidence in your words carrying their message alone.
The artistic value of this piece is as if DaVinci had finely detailed every wrinkle and crevice upon the face of the Mona Lisa: accurate and complete to be sure, but artistically dull and lacking in vibrance and vigor. You overdescribe the characters, when it's rare for more than two to be present at once, and you use too many adjectives and adverbs as you write. They are a spice which enhances your story, but they should never be mistaken for the meat and potatoes of your story.
I am not alone in having previously said this, but concise writing is vigorous writing, and the use of needless words is naught but waste. You waste words by needlessly describing things we already know--the reader is expected to know, as a piece of fanfiction--who Black WarGreymon is and what he looks like, who Digitamamon and Lilymon are and how they look. As a Digimon from the cards but not the anime, Doumon deserves a description, however most of these characters do not.
Semantics: 12/20
You have many points where while you chose a fitting word, there may have been more appropriate choices. I'll not further dwell on that general behaviour, however it's always wise to read your words aloud if you have any doubts as to how they will be perceived by a reader. You are also missing some various small words throughout the story.
Also, to "complement" is to complete or bring to perfection, the word you wanted in the restaurant scene was "compliment". "Cum" is cum, regardless the gender providing the ejaculate in question.
Moving on to the next point, while your wording is generally accurate, it is not particularly consistent. You use three colors for BWG's eyes (yellow, amber, gold), you use an impersonal term for a part of his personal body ("mitts" referring to his hands), and you use vulgar language in otherwise artistic prose. This last inconsistency is akin to sewing a new piece of cloth onto a pair of broken-in jeans, while the middle inconsistency makes him feel detached from himself. The foremost simply confuses the reader as to what color the eyes actually are -- my choice of wording would be a relatively consistent "yellow" or "sulfuric", excepting scenes in which the lighting might cast a reddish hue into them, where "amber" would be more appropriate.
Final Notes:
You seem to enjoy vivid descriptions, and while there is certainly a time and place for them, most writing is best conducted with a sober outlook on the attention span of your reader. If your stories or chapters are too long you are liable to lose their already fickle interest, while long drawn out paragraphs lead to horrible interaction. Readers like to feel that they're keeping up with something, but you instead make the reader feel as if something is being held back for them.
You also seem to show an aversion to the simplicity of personal pronouns in most cases -- "he" and "she", along with their related words, are no sin to artistic writing. The sin is to constantly use roundabout pronouns such as "the virus" or "the mega" or "the fairy" to refer to your characters, when we, knowing who they are, need only know whether this is HE or SHE. If you do not wish to use pronouns, use the full nouns instead, rather than desperate workarounds.
In the restaurant, and being the son of a restaurant worker as well as a restaurant worker myself, I comment with knowledge of it, waiters and waitresses ALWAYS have work to do, and even if they don't, they're not supposed to bother the clientele by going over to a table and just chatting with the customers.
Final Score: 46/100
Note: This story is artistically viable, but not ideal. Worth reading for sure, if you can maintain your interest in it.
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Review #4 - Marine - Retired Warriors
Plot: 6/20
The plot as I see it is a little disjointed -- Grey and Fem come to live with Flamedramon and Aquaveemon, Grey wants a child but Fem does not. The flashback seems almost pointless, as it doesn't seem to impact the story, only to further show that Grey wants a child and would be a good father.
Character: 12/20
Socially this feels like a fantasy story that just happens to choose Digimon as the characters, when it could have chosen any races or species. Much as Crimson fox over-anthropomorphized his Digimon Society, so too did you, Marine. Not only that, but you put the Digimon in the position of being AMERICAN: "Females your age should be going to school, going out on dates, and enjoying your youth, not selling your body for money!" Digimon, so far as we know, do not typically go to school for learning, and would be through by the time they reached a form with visible breasts. Likewise, Digimon are not reared by their parents most of the time -- they hatch with all the knowledge they need to live.
On the specific characters, however, you did reasonably well. Grey is a man who is married to a mate who has no desire to mate, and enjoys only the carnal aspect of the act. Grey wishes, however, to be a father, which conflicts him with his mate. Aquaveemon, though she is an Aquarivamon, maintains her personality while we see her: playful, innocent and blunt about her feelings.
Lemon: 15/20
Technically flawless, in my mind, however the shortness leaves much to be desired. So too do certain insensible acts occuring during the intercourse.
Quality: 15/20
Repeated typos, awkward sounding phrases, and the general lack of a plot all detract from the excellent quality of the story as a whole. Smoothing the plot out would be my primary quality improvement point here, as would adding more weight to the flashback, or stripping it out.
Semantics: 12/20
A few comments here. "apart of" would be the same as saying "apart from", while I believe you meant "a part of" when referring to the Dragon Knights. In other places, wording seems to flow awkwardly. "Sit, the grass is quite comfy" does not flow smoothly, where the smoother word, though longer, would be comfortable. The seemingly proper speech of Flamedramon here does not allow for such niceties in an otherwise proper and perhaps even formal sounding phrase. In turn he uses impersonal and overly formal terms in more intimate conversation -- "you silly female" would read far more naturally as "you silly girl." Also, you occassionally are prone to redundant words -- "strong muscular" in reference to a body shape is redundant -- if it's visibly strong, it will tend to be muscular. I would avoid the "strong" in the passage describing the two WarGreymon, however, and leave the more definite term "muscular."
Also of note is the confusion, especially common, of "there", "they're" and "their" -- "their" means that is belongs to them, "their ball," for example, while "they're" is a contraction of "they are." You regularly use the possessive rather than the contraction, a significant typo that I recommend going through and correcting before publishing the story. In addition, the possessive of singular words, including "crowd", is formed with 's -- not a mere "s", not s' at the end, and not "es", excepting certain words. You use some fancy words, but fancy words don't make the story better -- is the town really "luxurious"? And using a synonym, that he looks forward to luxurious days is a luxurious town, is redundant.
"There was little comfort in bathing, which he needed both quite desperately" is a confusing sentence. I had to read it three times to make proper sense of it, so if I may suggest an alternate wording: "He needed both comfort and a bath desperately, but in spite of the warm waters he was able to find no comfort." It is longer, yes, but clear in meaning in a way the original lacks. "All" and "just", in the sense you've used it, do not need to go together in one sentence -- choose "all" or "just" and use that. Alternatively, turn "just" into an adjective such as "simply". Perhaps, "All he wanted to do was to think simply and without interruption."
Final Notes:
Though you often deal with war and soldiers, I'd say that this story is simply too personality centered. One could argue that I made the same flaw in "Tenderness" by only leaving reference to the Digimon and the Digital World in memories, but part of the idea there was that this was two humans, whereas you are ostensibly dealing with Digimon, who appear to be Digimon in shape only. Your Digital World is too human to feel like the Digital World, the problems and situations faced simply too human to feel as if you're actually dealing with Digimon. I'm not saying that a Digimon fic needs to take into account Digimon battles and such, but simply that it should take into account the behaviour of Digimon as we are familiar with them.
Final Score: 57/100
Note: This is a story worth reading, but not specifically as a Digimon lemon.
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Review #5 - DragonMasterX - "My Friend, My Love..."
Plot: 1/20
The plot isn't especially creative -- I don't feel emotional connection, and where is our plot? From what I see it comes down to a pure lead-in -- we don't get a proper introduction to Mou or his past, let alone why it is he finds this attraction to Guilmon. We see no proper source of conflict, just a typical Digimon battle with the typical conflicts between Rika and the boys. The slight conflict we start to see about Mou's sexuality ends up not mattering as he's clearly gay for Guilmon.
Character: 5/20
Two dimensional, dub-esque, and horrible are what comes to mind in this one. Takato and Henry are 13 according to the dub, but actually 10 according ot the original series. Why then are they friends with a 17 year-old? He's SEVEN years older than them, Takato hasn't had Guilmon for more than a week or two if Henry still isn't letting Terriermon fight, so he can't even have known Guilmon for "a while".
Mou is a classic Gary Stu -- he's loved and trusted by Takato, Henry, and all three Digimon. He's known them for "quite some time", in spite of the fact that Guilmon can't be more than two weeks old, and that's with generosity on the time-table. He's able to quell the personality conflict between Takato and Rika with one sentence, and even make Rika change her mind about keeping Renamon in battle!
Now on to some more particulars... The japanese culture is not touchy-feely, and they don't even generally shake hands in greeting, let alone HUG or grab their friends by the shoulders to say "Hi". Renamon is a mammalian Beast Digimon of the Nature Guardians, she is not Ice-based in any way, shape or form. She is a nature-based Digimon.
Lemon: 13/20
Here we go on the lemon. It's slow and deliberate, but also spontaneous in its own way. The tipping point of the whole scene is when Mou's identity as a Gary Stu becomes irrefutable: "Okay Mou! I always trust you!" Only a Stu could be so trusted by Guilmon as to exceed the level of trust the dinosaur has for Takato. Although the sex is well written, it suffers from porn syndrome -- the virgin is good even if not to the typical pro level. And how does Mou end up? He does the thing every first time blow-job giver does -- he drinks all the cum down. Just like in every lemon. Handjob, blow-job, rimming Guilmon, taking Guilmon's huge thing into his hole? Sorry, but it strains believability to squeeze all of that into a virginal encounter -- or at least one that wasn't planned.
Quality: 9/20
When is this set? Before the Devas? Sorry, but NOBODY knew about Guilmon before the Devas except the Tamers, and Hypnos. You use a Gary Stu as the lemon character, and whether this is a request fic or not, this seriously detracts from the quality of both the story AND the lemon, and thus the overall quality. In all, the overall predictability and typicality of the story detract from the overall quality, particularly as several important facts of sex are ignored as they often are in lemons.
Semantics: 8/20
You use overly formal wording in speech, you use some words that aren't even proper words in the context they're used, and you use two quote marks where only one is necessary, if even that much. Overall your wordings are awkward right from the beginning, whether too formal or just missing words. You also show a lot of bad wordings that a simple proofreader could catch -- two people don't greet themselves, but "each other"
Final Score: 36/100
Unless you requested this fic, or you really like "Gary Stu" yaoi lemons, I do not recommend this fic for reading. The lemon, however well written it may be, is clich
Here are my own scores on the entries:
[quote]Review #1: MISTER BIG T - "I Shall Fuck Your Corpse Tonight"
Plot: 4/20
There is little plot. This is a fetish piece with the entire purpose being the violent acts enacted upon Sora and Hikari. Were there a plot this might almost be something I could stomach, but between my unfortunate empathy for characters in these stories, I nearly became sick in reading it. There's a line between simply being "unique" or "unusual" and being "sickening", and this story crosses it.
Character: 4/20
Takeru/Daisuke/Whoever our narrator is is horribly out of character, assuming he IS someone from the show. None of the Chosen would be likely to find this level of violence sexual, except possibly Ken (or maybe even Miyako), and to go to the point of Murder we can only see one who would go so far during a sexual encounter. And even then he'd probably be wracked by guilt if he did that.
Perhaps for such an extreme SM fetishist, even a snuff fetishist, this person is in character, but such an extreme fetish seems out of place with the established characters in at least the first two seasons of Digimon.
Hikari is. . . A bit flat. Much like Kimberly, the Pink Ranger, in Agony in Pink. I did not like Agony and I do not like this story. Hikari is a cutout chosen for violent fantasies to be acted upon, and lacks proper personality in this fetish-piece.
Lemon: 8/20
The actual lemon content, regardless of what Big T, claims, is not in the mutilation of Hikari, but in the rape of Sora. This is poorly written, as with the Narrator being our focal viewpoint he should be remembering the scene as he watches it, possibly with some relish and embellishment on how he felt as he did it. I won't grade the torture as a lemon scene, and what sex is present in the SEX SCENES is weak and dry. For the sake of the appropriate fetishist, however, this is presumably well written and erotic.
Quality: 17/20
The writing seems good -- quite vague, but the first-person anonymous requires such behaviour. I'd say that I can't really award a 20 in quality to this largely because as a non-native speaker a lot of descriptions take a bit of time to grasp properly. My biggest gripe is that the narrator switches between the present and past while telling us this tale, which is a flaw some authors use to support a style; introducing places or persons in the present, but telling the story in the past can be a stylistic tool.
Semantics: 17/20
Another strong point here, which is good considering Big T claims English as his third language. This is undobtedly what led to several of the spelling and wording inaccuracies which detracted from this score. The posterior of another person is not "but", but rather is the "butt", while a scream is "muffled" rather than "ruffled". Some wording is also a bit awkward, so while accurate or understandable, it is a bit off from my semantic view and understanding of the language.
Comments:
Guro, contrary to Big T's claim, is not simply a subgenre of gore. Here's what Wikipedia says about EroGuro, often shortened to simply Guro.
[quote=Wikipedia] EroGuro is a concept or movement or sub-genre, still somewhat loosely defined, that has emerged inside multiple schools of Japanese art and music. The word EroGuro or Ero Guro Nansensu is gairaigo derived from the English phrase "erotic grotesque nonsense", and is sometimes shortened to simply guro (though this shortening is usually used to describe pornography).
. . .
The typifying element of EroGuro visual art is the macabre intermingled with sexual overtones. Often the erotic element, even when not explicit, is merged with grotesque themes and features - rather similar to the works of H. R. Giger. Some visual artists who produce work classifiable as EroGuro intend for it to be a deconstruction of Otaku sexuality or a critique of Japanese consumer culture. Others produce EroGuro as a genre of Japanese pornography and hentai involving blood, gore, disfiguration, mutilation, urine, enemas, or feces. The line between art and pornography in EroGuro is potentially blurrier than anywhere else in the art world today.[/quote]
Due to this, and the fact that the story is a fetish piece, I'm, afraid that it is unfortunately disqualified for its lack of a proper sex scene. This may qualify as Guro, however it is also Snuff and Vore, which are not things I can personally condone. Though this story may prove sexual to some, just as Agony in Pink, it is no more a lemon than Agony. Actually, I would chance to say it is LESS of one.
Final Score: 50/100
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Review #2 - Knight of the New Moon - "The Dark Side of Love"
Plot: 10/20
I suppose I can see a semblance of plot in this story, although it almost seems contrived to lead us directly to the place this authors wants us in. The awakening of the Dark Seed over something so trivial, the return of the Kaizer, and the raping of Miyako. Nothing really new here, except the person writing it. There's a plot, but it's been done and it's been done better. ((Note: Even I've written Ken going dark over a fight with Miyako about sex))
Character: 11/20
Miyako seems fairly in character, but something about her crying over any boy seems out of place to me. She might get distraught, but I don't think, even with someone she loved, she would let tears of anger flow.
Ken going dark is one of the oldest plot devices in Zero Two fanfic, and it's not even pulled off especially well here. He gets angry, the Dark Seed tempts him, and he gives in. Is it really that strong after so long dormant? And to so quickly move to rape as his tool of revenge? Even I didn't drive him quite that far. Just close.
Lemon: 5/20
For a rape scene, this isn't bad or good. It's just sort of. . . "Meh." The sen, even for a rape, is too short. We should at least have more of a feel for what Miyako is thinking as this happens, but the author shows little empathy for his viewpoint character, which is crucial for a rape whether your viewpoint is the rapist or the victim.
Quality: 8/20
Emotional connection is faint if present at all, the use of artistic tools such as metaphor are dropped in favor of more analytical tools such as character analysis and thought. A bit sub-par as a story, though not so bad for a lemon, and the often redundant elements detract from enjoyment by using a redundant wording.
Semantics: 10/20
A lot of redundant words show up here. If Miyako has just come from America to Japan, it's clear she needed to talk to Hikari not just voice to voice, but in person. If she just needed to talk, she could have called. Also a large number of commas seem to be missing where they should start or end a parenthetical bit of dialogue ("Soon, my love, you will feel the pain. . ."). There are also a few words which I feel could have been done better with a close, but different, word. Mistaken punctuation as well, with question marks where there probably should be periods (or commas, when dialogue breaks to narrative). Also, sometimes he uses the wrong word out of a set of homonyms.
Comments:
I know you've told me you don't plan to write lemons that often, but this is still a bit of a travesty for any writer, Knight. As a writer you often fail to use artistic tools in favor of analytical ones, and you rarely use enough time to build an empathy for the viewpoint character from the reader. I never could quite put my finger on it before today. Part of that may be that you don't allow yourself empathy for a fear that it may cloud the story, but a story with emotional detachment is just words on paper (or a computer screen) and not a real story.
Final Score: 44/100
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Review #3 - Crimson Fix - "Beyond Destiny"
NOTE: Crimson Fox's "Beyond Destiny" is disqualified from winning due to it's length, which is well in excess of the 25 page restriction I placed upon the contest. However I am still sharing the scores, as they should help him understand a number of point s in which he can improve.
Plot: 12/20
The plot is executed in a particularly dull fashion, when it could have been done much better. Ultimately, the plot is simply BWG's struggle to adapt himself to living a normal life in spite of his past, and with his darkness brought into the physical, he FIGHTS it. Interesting, I recently played a game that ends with the hero fighting his dark ambitions and potential. . . You can't win against yourself by fighting.
Character: 10/20
Characterizations seem odd. You see people staring at BWG because he is a viral Digimon, however there are only four attributes for normal Digimon -- Data, Vaccine, Virus and Unknown. There is no reason for one digimon to fear another simply because they're a virus or because they're powerful, unless he's emanating an invisible aura of malevolence, which is no different from a human. The overall characterization of the Digimon "society" seems too human in my mind for the Adventure world. Lillymon doesn't have lingerie under her clothes -- they're a part of her form, if not her body -- nor would Digimon need a contraceptive of any sort. Assuming the do reproduce sexually, they don't rear their children in the human fashion.
BWG seems too. . . quickly changed. He doesn't have the sense of humour to joke with Digitamamon, nor has he the personality to become embarrassed by a mere compliment to his looks. Lillymon, while admittedly not the one we know from the show, is very dull and flat, with little genuine personality as far as I can read. Digitamamon is the same lovable egg as he was in the dub, right down to his tendency for egg jokes. Doumon makes me think of Miroku.
Chaos WarGreymon is what Dark WarGreymon used to be and what he fears becoming -- a mindless destroyer.
Lemon: 15/20
Though technically good, this is lacking in the important areas of grabbing, and holding, attention. This story has no need for this scene, making it gratuitous, and you fall into one of your worst mistakes during the scene -- breaking your artistic prose with vulgar terms like "pussy", "cock", "twat" and "dick."
One point I find most illustrative of my noticings is that this scene is clearly written by a man. Lillymon is not only still alert, but wants more sex at the end of being eaten out and having an orgasm, but in the end we find "both drained of nearly all their energy." A masculine trait written by a man who may not be familiar with the female mind and the rezactiosn of sex on feminine physiology. I won't claim to know them firsthand, but I do research and study, and even with multiple orgasms -- women aren't simply "done" in the way men are after they orgasm.
Quality: 8/20
The story opens with a paragraph that says, "It was dark. So dark you couldn't see anything, not that there was anything to see." Already you are wasting space Crimson Fox, by giving us too much information. You do not improve over the first page, or any other part of the story, for that matter. Whereas Knight used too few words to allow us to build empathy, you use so many that all it shows is a lack of confidence in your words carrying their message alone.
The artistic value of this piece is as if DaVinci had finely detailed every wrinkle and crevice upon the face of the Mona Lisa: accurate and complete to be sure, but artistically dull and lacking in vibrance and vigor. You overdescribe the characters, when it's rare for more than two to be present at once, and you use too many adjectives and adverbs as you write. They are a spice which enhances your story, but they should never be mistaken for the meat and potatoes of your story.
I am not alone in having previously said this, but concise writing is vigorous writing, and the use of needless words is naught but waste. You waste words by needlessly describing things we already know--the reader is expected to know, as a piece of fanfiction--who Black WarGreymon is and what he looks like, who Digitamamon and Lilymon are and how they look. As a Digimon from the cards but not the anime, Doumon deserves a description, however most of these characters do not.
Semantics: 12/20
You have many points where while you chose a fitting word, there may have been more appropriate choices. I'll not further dwell on that general behaviour, however it's always wise to read your words aloud if you have any doubts as to how they will be perceived by a reader. You are also missing some various small words throughout the story.
Also, to "complement" is to complete or bring to perfection, the word you wanted in the restaurant scene was "compliment". "Cum" is cum, regardless the gender providing the ejaculate in question.
Moving on to the next point, while your wording is generally accurate, it is not particularly consistent. You use three colors for BWG's eyes (yellow, amber, gold), you use an impersonal term for a part of his personal body ("mitts" referring to his hands), and you use vulgar language in otherwise artistic prose. This last inconsistency is akin to sewing a new piece of cloth onto a pair of broken-in jeans, while the middle inconsistency makes him feel detached from himself. The foremost simply confuses the reader as to what color the eyes actually are -- my choice of wording would be a relatively consistent "yellow" or "sulfuric", excepting scenes in which the lighting might cast a reddish hue into them, where "amber" would be more appropriate.
Final Notes:
You seem to enjoy vivid descriptions, and while there is certainly a time and place for them, most writing is best conducted with a sober outlook on the attention span of your reader. If your stories or chapters are too long you are liable to lose their already fickle interest, while long drawn out paragraphs lead to horrible interaction. Readers like to feel that they're keeping up with something, but you instead make the reader feel as if something is being held back for them.
You also seem to show an aversion to the simplicity of personal pronouns in most cases -- "he" and "she", along with their related words, are no sin to artistic writing. The sin is to constantly use roundabout pronouns such as "the virus" or "the mega" or "the fairy" to refer to your characters, when we, knowing who they are, need only know whether this is HE or SHE. If you do not wish to use pronouns, use the full nouns instead, rather than desperate workarounds.
In the restaurant, and being the son of a restaurant worker as well as a restaurant worker myself, I comment with knowledge of it, waiters and waitresses ALWAYS have work to do, and even if they don't, they're not supposed to bother the clientele by going over to a table and just chatting with the customers.
Final Score: 46/100
Note: This story is artistically viable, but not ideal. Worth reading for sure, if you can maintain your interest in it.
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Review #4 - Marine - Retired Warriors
Plot: 6/20
The plot as I see it is a little disjointed -- Grey and Fem come to live with Flamedramon and Aquaveemon, Grey wants a child but Fem does not. The flashback seems almost pointless, as it doesn't seem to impact the story, only to further show that Grey wants a child and would be a good father.
Character: 12/20
Socially this feels like a fantasy story that just happens to choose Digimon as the characters, when it could have chosen any races or species. Much as Crimson fox over-anthropomorphized his Digimon Society, so too did you, Marine. Not only that, but you put the Digimon in the position of being AMERICAN: "Females your age should be going to school, going out on dates, and enjoying your youth, not selling your body for money!" Digimon, so far as we know, do not typically go to school for learning, and would be through by the time they reached a form with visible breasts. Likewise, Digimon are not reared by their parents most of the time -- they hatch with all the knowledge they need to live.
On the specific characters, however, you did reasonably well. Grey is a man who is married to a mate who has no desire to mate, and enjoys only the carnal aspect of the act. Grey wishes, however, to be a father, which conflicts him with his mate. Aquaveemon, though she is an Aquarivamon, maintains her personality while we see her: playful, innocent and blunt about her feelings.
Lemon: 15/20
Technically flawless, in my mind, however the shortness leaves much to be desired. So too do certain insensible acts occuring during the intercourse.
Quality: 15/20
Repeated typos, awkward sounding phrases, and the general lack of a plot all detract from the excellent quality of the story as a whole. Smoothing the plot out would be my primary quality improvement point here, as would adding more weight to the flashback, or stripping it out.
Semantics: 12/20
A few comments here. "apart of" would be the same as saying "apart from", while I believe you meant "a part of" when referring to the Dragon Knights. In other places, wording seems to flow awkwardly. "Sit, the grass is quite comfy" does not flow smoothly, where the smoother word, though longer, would be comfortable. The seemingly proper speech of Flamedramon here does not allow for such niceties in an otherwise proper and perhaps even formal sounding phrase. In turn he uses impersonal and overly formal terms in more intimate conversation -- "you silly female" would read far more naturally as "you silly girl." Also, you occassionally are prone to redundant words -- "strong muscular" in reference to a body shape is redundant -- if it's visibly strong, it will tend to be muscular. I would avoid the "strong" in the passage describing the two WarGreymon, however, and leave the more definite term "muscular."
Also of note is the confusion, especially common, of "there", "they're" and "their" -- "their" means that is belongs to them, "their ball," for example, while "they're" is a contraction of "they are." You regularly use the possessive rather than the contraction, a significant typo that I recommend going through and correcting before publishing the story. In addition, the possessive of singular words, including "crowd", is formed with 's -- not a mere "s", not s' at the end, and not "es", excepting certain words. You use some fancy words, but fancy words don't make the story better -- is the town really "luxurious"? And using a synonym, that he looks forward to luxurious days is a luxurious town, is redundant.
"There was little comfort in bathing, which he needed both quite desperately" is a confusing sentence. I had to read it three times to make proper sense of it, so if I may suggest an alternate wording: "He needed both comfort and a bath desperately, but in spite of the warm waters he was able to find no comfort." It is longer, yes, but clear in meaning in a way the original lacks. "All" and "just", in the sense you've used it, do not need to go together in one sentence -- choose "all" or "just" and use that. Alternatively, turn "just" into an adjective such as "simply". Perhaps, "All he wanted to do was to think simply and without interruption."
Final Notes:
Though you often deal with war and soldiers, I'd say that this story is simply too personality centered. One could argue that I made the same flaw in "Tenderness" by only leaving reference to the Digimon and the Digital World in memories, but part of the idea there was that this was two humans, whereas you are ostensibly dealing with Digimon, who appear to be Digimon in shape only. Your Digital World is too human to feel like the Digital World, the problems and situations faced simply too human to feel as if you're actually dealing with Digimon. I'm not saying that a Digimon fic needs to take into account Digimon battles and such, but simply that it should take into account the behaviour of Digimon as we are familiar with them.
Final Score: 57/100
Note: This is a story worth reading, but not specifically as a Digimon lemon.
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Review #5 - DragonMasterX - "My Friend, My Love..."
Plot: 1/20
The plot isn't especially creative -- I don't feel emotional connection, and where is our plot? From what I see it comes down to a pure lead-in -- we don't get a proper introduction to Mou or his past, let alone why it is he finds this attraction to Guilmon. We see no proper source of conflict, just a typical Digimon battle with the typical conflicts between Rika and the boys. The slight conflict we start to see about Mou's sexuality ends up not mattering as he's clearly gay for Guilmon.
Character: 5/20
Two dimensional, dub-esque, and horrible are what comes to mind in this one. Takato and Henry are 13 according to the dub, but actually 10 according ot the original series. Why then are they friends with a 17 year-old? He's SEVEN years older than them, Takato hasn't had Guilmon for more than a week or two if Henry still isn't letting Terriermon fight, so he can't even have known Guilmon for "a while".
Mou is a classic Gary Stu -- he's loved and trusted by Takato, Henry, and all three Digimon. He's known them for "quite some time", in spite of the fact that Guilmon can't be more than two weeks old, and that's with generosity on the time-table. He's able to quell the personality conflict between Takato and Rika with one sentence, and even make Rika change her mind about keeping Renamon in battle!
Now on to some more particulars... The japanese culture is not touchy-feely, and they don't even generally shake hands in greeting, let alone HUG or grab their friends by the shoulders to say "Hi". Renamon is a mammalian Beast Digimon of the Nature Guardians, she is not Ice-based in any way, shape or form. She is a nature-based Digimon.
Lemon: 13/20
Here we go on the lemon. It's slow and deliberate, but also spontaneous in its own way. The tipping point of the whole scene is when Mou's identity as a Gary Stu becomes irrefutable: "Okay Mou! I always trust you!" Only a Stu could be so trusted by Guilmon as to exceed the level of trust the dinosaur has for Takato. Although the sex is well written, it suffers from porn syndrome -- the virgin is good even if not to the typical pro level. And how does Mou end up? He does the thing every first time blow-job giver does -- he drinks all the cum down. Just like in every lemon. Handjob, blow-job, rimming Guilmon, taking Guilmon's huge thing into his hole? Sorry, but it strains believability to squeeze all of that into a virginal encounter -- or at least one that wasn't planned.
Quality: 9/20
When is this set? Before the Devas? Sorry, but NOBODY knew about Guilmon before the Devas except the Tamers, and Hypnos. You use a Gary Stu as the lemon character, and whether this is a request fic or not, this seriously detracts from the quality of both the story AND the lemon, and thus the overall quality. In all, the overall predictability and typicality of the story detract from the overall quality, particularly as several important facts of sex are ignored as they often are in lemons.
Semantics: 8/20
You use overly formal wording in speech, you use some words that aren't even proper words in the context they're used, and you use two quote marks where only one is necessary, if even that much. Overall your wordings are awkward right from the beginning, whether too formal or just missing words. You also show a lot of bad wordings that a simple proofreader could catch -- two people don't greet themselves, but "each other"
Final Score: 36/100
Unless you requested this fic, or you really like "Gary Stu" yaoi lemons, I do not recommend this fic for reading. The lemon, however well written it may be, is clich