[AOTM] The August Contest [Updated: FINAL SCORES]

[Herr Mullen]

I have just had an uncharateristic giggle, and let it all sink in.

I'll leave the decision to Nate as to weather he wants Wisemon to judge, and I'd like to dedicate about a third of this win to Circeus, who proofread for me and made me re-write the entire Digital World sequence to make Yamato drunk.

Now, my comments on everyone else.

First off, Boyond Destiny. Pretty ambiguous title, so there's already a step up on "Shall we Dance?". The rhetoric didn't have a question mark. Very stylish opening, though, very stylish indeed. I do love the cynical attitude toward Arukenimon. It's all a very good insight into BlackWarGreymon's feelings: clear character. Digital World needs capitals. I quite like this Azulonmon: he's not quite so irrelevant as the show, but still terribly knowledgeable and majestic.

References to the series are abound and make the story bloom, with Digitamamon and such.

Aww, he only learnt Friendship a year ago, and now he's coming to terms with love. The points of self conflict are interesting, indeed.

Digitamamon is so well done I'm hoping that the author's given him a really good ending, but I doubt he's even concidered it. He's so very true to the series.

Hurrah! Lillymon's ambition! That's excellent: brings back the old war films to my memory. "From Cruxly Heath to Cowden Beath". All we need now is BlackWarGreymon to be sent off to the ghastly trenches.

Brackets are not required for a thought. Wrong, wrong, wrong!

Pompous Doumon: classic lovestruck villain. Traditionalism reigns in this fiction. Especially in the way that the villain is English. It's always an Englishman. We're not evil, I'd like to point out. We do not go around stealing sweets from children and taking over vast parts of the galaxy (any more).

Aww, romantic. Nice stuff about fireworks and serenades. Nailed the characters.

Lovely, lovely metaphors. I especially like this whole "dark tapestry" business,

We know BlackWarGreymon's been with her a while, so why is he assessing her flat?

The repeated "loincloth" doesn't sound right, but this dream is a good point on tension and foreshadowing. The bowstring is being slowly drawn back, I think.

I'm deducting points on these thoughts, you know.

Very good control spire,: I've given it the voice of that Dark Trailmon, you know. When I can fit voices so easily to characters, it's quite hard to to get a very high character score, indeed.

The issue of what love actually is is slowly seeping into BlackWarGreymon's mind, I can see it. Character and plot advance further.

Repeated "body" just doesn't sound right.

I don't like the use of base profanities in relation to a lady, or to overuse them in relation to a man. I'm aware just what people do whilst reading this sort of thing, but it shouldn't be cheapened further with words like that.

Now would be a good time to make a god-awful joke about size.

I'd like to see a vegetarian writing some of these. "Lengthily celery stick", "Hardened cucumber", "His giant butternut squash", and such.

I don't like it when the author shows us the action, which shows us exactly the same thing as the sentence following the comma, poking us in the eye with the obvious stick.

He'd get there a lot quicker, in actuality. He'd get there around the point he says that she knows how to please him.

He says "loader", but I think he means "louder".

The virgin is too good at this.

Crouches? As far as I'm aware, they're in a children's book, so he must mean "crotches".

We're lead to believe that at least two days have passed, but BlackWarGreymon says that the sex was last night. Needs to be written clearer.

Here comes the melodrama, upperclass villain and all. That'll keep those Victorian peasants in their place. Well, it isn't really a melodrama, I'm just being melodramatic. The villain would, however, make Stanislavsky cringe.

Digitamamon is the coolest guy ever. I wasn't even a big fan in the series, yet here he sounds exactly like him and yet is so much cooler.

Once again with blunt obvious explanation in the narration.

Data absorption is a Tamers concept.

"Don't forget about me!" I don't think we would, considering that she was there the entire time.

Oh, hurrah! The villain wasn't English after all: he was French! That I can agree with. That's bumped up the character score no end.

Plot: 15/20. (Why did Doumon think Lilly loved him? Was there a past?)
Character: 17/20. (Lilly was just a damsel. Doumon, Digitamamamon and Azulonmon were just cool.)
Lemon: 17/20. (Believability.)
Quality: 15/20. (Obvious stick in the eye, rather usual vocabulary.)
Semantics: 18/20. (Just the occasional spelling mistake and those thought brackets.)
Total: 85/100

Ugh. I feel ill: I just opened that "Corpse" one. Now, why is it that he warns me not to go on if I'm disturbed by it, and then enters it in a contest where I have to read it when the entire concept revolts me? I shall be carefully monitoring the level of "I"s in this one, as he did ask how to avoid them.

The tense is very confusing. Is he talking about the future or present? Now it's in the past! I have no idea if I'm coming or going.

Now it switches person.

This is revolting.

I'm so glad he didn't take the time to describe the scene in detail, but it does effect his score.

If he crushes an eye after this whole ankle thing, I am going to be sick.

Okay. So I've read that and I'm calmed myself down, now. I'll score it.

Plot: 13 (It's not inventive for this fetish, but the whole suspect thing was very a good device to use.)
Character: 8 (Very one dimensional deranged villain, as well as victim.)
Lemon: 16 (I daresay a fetishist would actually enjoy it.)
Quality: 11 (No poetic devices.)
Semantics: 13 (Tenses.)
Total: 67/100

My Friend, My Love's title isn't expressed in the standard block centre manner. An original character? I hope that this isn't an insertion of the friend he's writing for. Let's see if it is.

"...Shouldn't use carbon monoxide when we're talking about the environment" is worded rather strangely. No real teacher would talk in such a manner. The religious references in the text aren't very good. "Almost like a devil"? What aspect of a devil might that be? A tendency for squatted leaping and flailing tails? Takato is a young boy: he wouldn't move "almost like a devil". As I recall, his manner of running was a long-strided fist-pumping dash.

If you remember, Takato was a bit of an outcast within his class for being an unfocused daydreamer. His peers wouldn't rush out.

"Takatomon". I hope this means it's toward the beginning of the series. The build up to a new character is great: to first mention him in dialogue is much better than to thrust him in our faces by introducing him in the first sentence, like others I've seen. However, by the time Takato had introduced Guilmon to everyone else, he'd stopped saying "Takatomon," I'm sure.

Not "so few". "So little".

All this plain statement is grating on me. No thought, or conflict, or description. Just a series of chronological events.

This space every two paragraphs is also wearing thin. And they're in the middle of a shopping centre: they wouldn't want to attract attention.

Out pops Mr. Original. Seventeen? How would they have met? And why would Renamon trust him? The perfectness of his friendships makes me instantly dislike this character.

"Long story?" No it bloody isn't! "He gets confused between "centre" and "Sentry"." There, that's all he needed to say.

The Japanese are no where near so touchy-feely. At an informal gathering, there wouldn't be quite so much hugging.

Five hours! They wouldn't talk for so long as that; they'd go and do something.

Takato's mannerisms are done well, but Henry is plainer than a Salt and Shake crisp from a packet someone neglected to put the little salt packet in. So is Mr. Original.

"Bunny Bla-" is the correct way of doing it.

Overstatements galore. "Would live at least." Terriermon's been knocked out so Guilmon can win and take all the glory, begging the question as to why Henry's there in the first place. We had best see something along the lines of some struggle with Henry, and if Mr. Original comes out with healing powers I will eat the hair on my knuckles out of frustration.

"Rrraaggh!" I'm so scared. I am trembling in my slippers. My blood is running colder than a wet bank holiday weekend in Aberdeen. Really, no-one says "Rrraaagh!" outside 1920-40s monster talkies.

"However..." immediately breaks any tension that may have built.

Duh! Excuse me whilst I slap myself: I had no idea Diamond Storm was Renamon's attack. Why would anyone who doesn't know Renamon anyway read a Digimon Tamers fiction?

Early in the series, then, if Rika's anything to judge by.

There are some useless points of description in this fight scene.

Actually, Renamon's not an ice based Digimon.

I grow more frustrated with each passing sentence.

Mr. Original has one-dimensional thoughts, just like his actions, dialogue, and continued existence. He probably only has two emotions: Total contentment, and utter outrage. Someone's going to upset him and he's going to get really angry, and no-one will have seen it before, I'll bet. Several people will, in fact, flinch.

"Personal dinner"! I have just gnawed a small hole in the back of my hand to distract me from just how bad this is.

Classical gay internal struggle. I've read this story before: over and over again. It's the same as every other coming-to-terms slash fiction on Nifty.

The wordings are all wrong.

"Maths". That makes me happy.

Despite Henry and Mr. Original, the characterisations on Takato and Guilmon are rather good.

The sex scene is just like every sex scene I've read with Guilmon. He's utterly clueless and needs teaching, then he's taught and he love it.

"Bliss" is overused: so is "Good" and "incredible".

Overall, the story was cliche and poorly worded in a few places, and only two characters were actually written very well.

Plot: 6/20 (Far too cliche.)
Character: 8/20 (Only Takato and Guilmon were really true to themselves.)
Lemon: 13/20 (Cliche, and repeated descriptions over and over.)
Quality: 7/20 (No poetic devices, strange wordings, non-humourous use of cliches.)
Semantics: 17/20 (Odd wordings.)
Total: 51/100

The domestic approach to Retired Warriors is fantastic. Flamdramon with a newspaper: I'm got him wearing a tartan dressing gown and slippers, a pair of reading glasses and smoking a pipe. But that's just me.

"Her face was the last ting he ever saw before he put his head under the covers... and was blinded for the rest of his life as a snake bit his eyes out." The "ever" shouldn't be there.

Do they run a hotel, or a jewelers? Does Flamdramon own the jewelers, and Aquaveemon run the hotel?

Flamdramon's quite a nationalist, but Aquaveemon's attitude to books only enforces my belief that Flamdramon's an intellectual who must have a pair of reading glasses. His attitude towards women is terribly Higgins-esque.

"Apart" is not one word in this context.

The culture built up in this town is similar to pre-1914 Germany, but with less puritan attitudes to sex. It's very well done, but rather than just mention the cobbles other things could be done to put across the European military feel: long coats weren't uncommon uniform, nor were Kaiser Helms, and a little tweak in dialect might give a more classical feel.

"Soldiers" is repeated too much. Grunts, troopers, there are plenty of other words.

For a commander, he isn't well respected, and for a European near-steampunk setting his soldiers aren't well disciplined.

Porto Angst! What a fantastic name! Of course, now we realise the nature of the army's visit, I can understand the cheekiness of the whole affair, although I think the Commander would have enough charisma not to blush.

Why did no-one applaud? There wasn't anything really awful in there (considering that ladies were flashing a few minutes ago).

I've heard it used in the RPs several times, but "Grey" is such a good name: it's using an "e". It's class, really. Especially good joke with the whole showering thing.

There was an unnecessary "both", but the description of the bathroom places us closer toward the technological culture of the place.

"They're", not "their." The whole culture being built up in this place is ever so good.

There's that noble Captain archetype, right there, being charitable to the prostitutes.

I like the friction here. This coupling is perfectly written. She's a powerful woman in her own right. I'm actually really enjoying the chemistry.

Now this is a very good sex scene. We've got not only feelings, but also atmosphere and motive. The fact that the pair are battling with each other gives it that edge.

That was a great scene. That was fantastic. See below to see just how good I thought that was.

Plot: 18/20 (What a great premise for that scene. Totally original.)
Character: 15/20 (Everyone was well done, but really they needed developing a little more. Especially Grey: I wasn't sure what the relevance of his bath scene was.)
Lemon: 18/20 (A little more description would've been nice.)
Quality: 16/20 (The culture was great, but it needed pushing through the use of dialect, thought and description. A few poetic devices wouldn't have gone a miss.)
Semantics: 19/20 (Only one or two errors I saw.)
Total: 86/100

Now, Tenderness. Immediately, Miyako is given a conflict and characterisation. Good so far.

It's not made clear that we're talking about Hikari. This wasn't the coupling I was expecting: I was thinking either Daisuke or Koushiro. This would also be the first yuri I've reviewed. Hikari and Miyako have switch persona: Miyako's meant to be the blunt one, not Hikari.

That's lovely! Just a cuddle: how many lemons have you seen where the principle couple just have a little cuddle? That's fantastic, that really is.

The build up we're seeing here is just fantastic. It's just sweet. Usually, we just get a snapshot of one morning after to explain the tenderness of the relationship, so the use of a detailed description of the mornings before is brilliant. Anyone who wants to get deep into relationships and love and the like should read this fiction: it's deserving of its title.

I have no idea what a mound is. Please don't tell me, I'd rather leave it a mystery.

Now, this is cruel. This is horrible: it's downright nasty. I was enjoying a nice romance story, and suddenly this bump of blackmail and prostitution crops up. I hope she doesn't go for it, but this is a lemon....

I don't like this whole rumour mill thing. I know that during my school days, no-one really gave a damn at Senior school. And the Japanese are even more academically oriented in their system than the British, so I'd imagine that this sort of stuff would only occur in an American school.

Good choice, girl! I am cheering for you! Stuff it up that bastard, give him what-for! I am cheering at those lines.

Poor dears. But Miyako herself is a lot more blunt and I doubt she'd actually know how to take care of Hikari in a state like that. She's acting less like Miyako and more like Sora's mum.

Miyako? Not masturbate? That made me chuckle.

This is a great author: sensation, dialogue, description. It's all there. The decision she made on the words is just class.

Dear, oh dear! I'd expect Miyako to practice on Takeru. In fact, I wouldn't even expect that. It makes no sense, unless Peach P is an accurate manga.

So far, no grammatical issues. But Miyako? Not ever climaxing? I find it hard to believe. It's a knock on character.

"Which is now at... The End." What class. Definately a strong contender.

Plot: 17/20 (What can I say? I'm a sucker for romance, but I don't believe in that kind of a social system. I also think that revealing the intendity of the blackmailer would have satisfied me a little more at the end.)
Character: 14/20 (Miyako is much more brass, blunt, and boneheaded. And I think she'd masturbate vigorously.)
Lemon: 19/20 (I may not know what a "mound" is, and can exist quite happily without such information, but that was a perfect blend of the elements for a sex scene.)
Quality: 17/20 (Class. Just class. But no metaphor or anything of the like.)
Semantics: 20/20 (Not a single slip up I spotted.)
Total: 87/100

Just started on The Dark Side of Love. It's very plain.

Ugh. It's also twisted.

Twisted and plainly written.

With poor dialogue, to boot.

And a cop out ending.

Plot: 15/20 (It's an okay idea, but poorly expressed.)
Character: 13/20 (Miyako wouldn't wait, and there was too little of everyone to really give us good pictures of them.)
Lemon: 2/20 (Plain and boring.)
Quality: 3/20 (Plain as heck.)
Semantics: 20/20 (Not a single mistake I spotted.)
Total: 53/100

And those are my notes.