Sneak to my...err..first lemon

[Yoosei]

Yes indeed... this is my first lemon. And just a little sneak to it ;)
It

[DragonMasterX]

First of all, Congratulations on your first Lemon, sis. I want to welcome you to the Lemon Writing business, even you might or might not decide to continue, I'm glad you decided to at last do it.

Now, onto a comment:

I liked the plot, a little vague still, you could have worked a bit more on how the story flows from the beginning to a part with Yoosei pleasuring herself. Otherwise, it's a very nice beggining!

The characters are quite good, not many I have seen have used male Renamons in their lemons.

Next, the grammar is average, you should check the punctuation as well the tense you are working on. You tend to switch between the Past and Present tenses. You should choose only one of them.

For the scene, well, I haven't got much to complain, it's quite good!

Well, this was just a little comment about it, I hope you submit it when it's ready, I can't wait to read it all! *hugs*

[Marine]

I agree with Dragon, the plot seems just a tad bit vague for this tidbit, but I'm thinking your saving us the pleasure of reading in the whole story.

What I think needs just a bit more improvement:

->Characters: The emotional aspects aren't the concern, but more along describing your characters better. Instead of setting the descriptions aside in two meager sentences, you could elaborate bolder images for each character.

->Setting: Yes, I am partial to setting, but there's really something missing from this story, something to set the apparent mood. I can;t put my finger on exactly why I feel this way; something seems just out of place in the back ground.

->Dialogue: Well, I can;t really quip about the one line too much, however, it does seem a little mechanic for a person to say.....

Other than that its a fine story!

[Yoosei]

First of all, Congratulations on your first Lemon, sis. I want to welcome you to the Lemon Writing business, even you might or might not decide to continue, I'm glad you decided to at last do it.

Now, onto a comment:

I liked the plot, a little vague still, you could have worked a bit more on how the story flows from the beginning to a part with Yoosei pleasuring herself. Otherwise, it's a very nice beggining!

The characters are quite good, not many I have seen have used male Renamons in their lemons.

Next, the grammar is average, you should check the punctuation as well the tense you are working on. You tend to switch between the Past and Present tenses. You should choose only one of them.

For the scene, well, I haven't got much to complain, it's quite good!

Well, this was just a little comment about it, I hope you submit it when it's ready, I can't wait to read it all! *hugs*

It would be some kind of new experience to me to write a lemon. I have tried for so long to write one and I

[Lord Patamon]

Told ya you will get nice feedback here sis :D

You already know my opinion of your lemon so is not necesary put it here again but I will say this:

Keep up the good work, I'm sure you will end showing us a really great final work

[Yoosei]

Told ya you will get nice feedback here sis :D
You already know my opinion of your lemon so is not necesary put it here again but I will say this:
Keep up the good work, I'm sure you will end showing us a really great final work

yeah...you really told me that. gladly enough I believe these comments will help me to improve
and I surely hope to show a great final work. and for that i will post another little piece of my lemon. I really would like to know if I have improved or not at all. this is not the final work yet...like I said it's just another little bit of it.

*******************

After a little while Kurai opens the door towards the kitchen and walks inside, blinking when noticing Yoosei sitting down on floor and breathing heavily. He kneels down near her and stares at her with a thoughtful look until finally manage to say something