Better Late than Never: The June 2006 Lemon Contest

[Nate Hunter]

With all do respect Wisemon, in my view, Crimson's craft would have my better scores. And all do respects Nate and Herr Mullen and DMX for bringing this up after the contest.But I realized my critiques contrast differently than yours. Maybe it's because we have different judging motifs, or something that makes our reviews unique, and am thankful for that (no offense).

->That said, this story has no plot. I can't explain it any better. There's no conflict with the protagonist, just like in the movie, and if there was its transparent. Maybe Wisemon can help point me out in the right direction?

The plot is the sequence of events. The conflict is between old reliable Jyou and the almost too sincere for her own good diva of Mimi. Not all stories involve epic battles of good and evil. Think of the story of how you and your last girlfriend got together (assuming you had a last girlfriend). Is there conflict? Not in the typical sense of a battle, but it's still there.

No plot is like saying that a biography has no plot. It is there, but it's different from what most fiction is about. This is part of what makes stories like Forrest Gump so different from most of the Hollywood stories. The plot is Jyou's purpose in telling the story, as well as what he perceived happening during it.

Possible spoilers for those who haven't read it:








The plot is that Jyou is a fairly normal person living life, when something unexpected happens. A run-in with an old friend brings him to encounter the past, and gives him the chance to straighten up some misconceptions. The first sub-plot is a subtle interpersonal conflict, archetypically showing us the Knight (honorable) vs. the Whore (lustful). The conflict is resolved not with a blatant victory, but with the Knight withdrawing from the Whore's presence.

And then we return to the main plot. Not an exciting one, because it is so typical, and normal and casual. The story progresses with realistic actions into the second sub-plot. This time it's not the archetypes of Knight and Whore, we are presented with, but a more blatant conflict when it occurs. The Nerd and the Diva might be a way to put it. I almost see traces of Shakespeare here, in the Sly and the Lord from Taming of the Shrew, however in this case the Sly does not subscribe to the words of the Lord or his servants. In a high school setting, the prep girl may try to use the nerd as a tool, to make her Jock boyfriend jealous. When older, this behaviour would be a diva, and in this story she is using him as a tool to make her look more down to earth.

The subplot develops when Jyou learns this and sets up his own plot by attacking what she's doing with him. His plot is to use his true feelings about this to attack Mimi. We don't see his hunt through songs and lyrics, and we don't see him plotting or taking joy in how he's going to attack her. But we know, at least some of it is there. This ends with what the Nerd thinks to be a victory, because what he does makes the Diva upset. But in the grand scheme, he only disturbed one show, in a small area.

And then in the main plot, we see him trying to catch up with Sora. He gives us his words of wisdom as she prepares to leave, and then is left with only his internal conflict. He's been waiting for so long already, waiting a little longer can't be that big of a deal.



You write war stories, right, Marine? A war story isn't about the war. It's about the soldiers, the participants in the war. This story isn't about the action, but the person involved in it. The plot displayed throughout is a subtle type rather than a blatant one, but this is too much of a story to lack a plot. Some people may not see it for what it is, but it is still there.

I think the biggest factor in my scoring was the uniqueness of this story. Most people don't write fanfiction with this sort of character-focused style at all, let alone sexual stories. The plot isn't centered on epic battles that are against difficult odds, but around two people struggling with their personal differences. I don't feel any part of it was poorly written, but that it was all written in exactly the way it needed to be. The sex was written in the only way that would not compromise the story as a whole, which is the defining point of a story with sex compared to a sex story.

I do, however, respect your opinion. If you PM me with the scores you would have given "Gump", I can post what the scores would have been had your scores all gotten in on time. It may be possible yours could have thrown Wisemon into second place, or given us a draw. That said, your scores weren't in on time, so we can't too well change that now, although the What If machine is always up for a spin.

[Wisemon]

I couldn't possibly have explained the plot any better than that. I especially liked the "knight" and "whore" part of the explanation. Of course, if Marine can't see a plot without the presence of firearms, body armor, and an excessively masculine original character, he's entitled to his plotless view.

As it happens, the series I'm working on now involves firearms and body armor. So hopefully, if Marine reads it, he might be able to find a plot.

[DragonMasterX]

I actually didn't watch that movie, but I found something shiny about the plot, I don't care if it was taken from a real-life movie, I really thought it was purely original. The storyline flowed properly adapted to what the characters suposedly talked about. I understood the way Mimi acted perfectly, as I had my own view in how she would actually had acted when she was older than in the series, she was no more than a spoiled child afterall. And that's roughly why I put 10/10 to Wise's plot.

And as for Crimson Fox's opinion, I have to agree that he did a great job, with MY scorings, Wise got 47/50, and Crimson got 46/50; so Crimson actually put on a good fight. I particularly enjoyed his sex scene in the story. Maybe it's because I'm a sucker for Flamedramon and Renamon, but I judged how they expressed their care for each other anyways.

[Herr Mullen]

And as for Crimson Fox's opinion, I have to agree that he did a great job, with MY scorings, Wise got 47/50, and Crimson got 46/50; so Crimson actually put on a good fight. I particularly enjoyed his sex scene in the story. Maybe it's because I'm a sucker for Flamedramon and Renamon, but I judged how they expressed their care for each other anyways.

Both got 42 from me. I didn't mean to make them draw, but those were just the ratings I felt each should get.

[Knight of the new moon]

Okay, well, it has been over a week since I read the stories, but I remember very clearly all of them.

"The Break Up" wasn't so much a break up, as it was a single argument, and the whole premise was weak. When Kari started to suck his balls because he hurt them, I almost bust out laughing because it was just so out of character for her, and out of character for Davis to accept it like that, when she already had a boyfriend especially when he knew that the aforementioned boyfriend was on his way.

T.K. and Yolei were both very OOC, in that they didn't even take the chance to hear out the other side. I understand that seeing that sort of thing will make someone irrational, but I don't think T.K. would react in such a way, and Yolei wouldn't be so quick to judge her friend.

There were almost no prose, no description of the setting, and the characterization is nothing like what we know of the characters. I find myself wondering about silly things without prose, like what type of table Davis hit his crotch on.

"May I Take This Dance" was a beautiful story all around. Starting with Veemon being hurt by losing Gatomon to another, and dealing with the pain that it brought to him. I felt that perhaps his attraction to Renamon may have been nothing more than something he did on the rebound, but it was still written beautifully.

Renamon may wake the next morning to find that Flamedramon's feelings for her were artificial, that he was in pain and, unknowingly, sought solace in her.

"Gump" I believe was a strong piece of work. Jyou and Sora were kept in character, and Mimi was kept well into her season one character. I can't say honestly that I felt the whole thing was in character for her however, but it wasn't the worst I had ever seen OOCness.

The style was strong, and sent Jyou's feelings effectively to the readers. His nervousness and everything seemed in character for him in that situation. Not sure about him not wearing his glasses, as I think he would be the kind that would never go against doctor's orders.

Though I felt given the style, the story, and everything altogether, that "Gump" was the best of the three, though it was a very difficult call between that and "May I Take This Dance".