Better Late than Never: The June 2006 Lemon Contest

[Nate Hunter]

June 2006 Contest: The Runner Up

Our runner up was a huge step up from the quality of DV85, and it was a close contest between him and our winner. But let's all hear it for Crimson Fox. His entry, "May I Take This Dance?" has a strange title relative to the content, but was a good and enjoyable read. The scores presented are as with DV85's -- my comments along with the combined scores.

Crimson Fox "May I Take This Dance?"
Overall Score: 81.5% - B-

A story worth entering in a contest, MITTD is an example of good writing, even if not great. So here are the scores.

Plot: 32/40 - 80%

Though the plot is just a set-up for the "knight in shining armor" routine, it is executed smoothly and quickly. If there were any hentai Digimon episodes, this would probably feel just like one of those. The plot isn't great, but it's solid enough to work well. And it is a bit different from the usual sex-fests we see, so that's good.

Characterization: 34/40 - 85%

Davis and Veemon are fairly spot on to their North American dub personalities and dialects, which is good. Renamon is an original characer, not the Renamon from Tamers, which I find to be a positive point (applying Renamon in the Adventure world is a bit of a plus in my book anyway, but that's got little to do with this score) since there's no crossover judgment about how she got there. Also positive, Lord Bakemon has a distinctive personality. Somehow reminds me of Oogie Boogie in the KH games (I haven't seen Nightmare Before Christmas, so I can't judge from that source). Worthy of a good score.

Semantics: 31/40 - 77.5%

Generally quite good, but a few points can detract where wording seems a bit awkward, whether it be a typo or just a wrong word. This particular flaw shows up in this story. Also, as much as I hate to judge semantics on a debatable issue, this also is a point I dislike budging from my own stance on -- mon/womon for Digimon gender are not, to my mind, acceptable, even though to many authors they are.

Lemon Scene: 33/40 - 82.5%

Of all the times... I curse being biased towards Renamon/Fladramon -- as well s a furry -- right now, as it will probably show in some bias on this score. It is well written and damn if it isn't good for a furry sex scene... Colorful and engaging, this is one of the better lemons I've read in a while. While even I'm losing my taste for writing such explicit stuff, this is almost inspiring to me for a future story I've got vaguely planned. Also, the fact that this was not just fucking, but actually making love is an excellent positive to this story. Too often the thought of making love is just any time people have sex, and though that may be all the slang means, the words speak deeper than that.

Note to author: Orgasmic fluids soak into sheets and become almost invisible under normal light. Yes, even blue sheets. Experience speaking here, since we gotta wank somewhere...

Overall Writing: 33/40 - 82.5%

This is certainly a far better read than DV85's "The Break Up". However, semantic and plot issues weaken the story as a whole slightly, but it's still a good solid read. I strongly recommend it for any furries or Renamon fans here.

And last up is our winner and Champion...

[Herr Mullen]

Tense, isn't it?

[Wisemon]

Tense, isn't it?

Indeed, the suspense is killing me.

[Nate Hunter]

Sorry about the delay here, but I had some errands I needed to run. Anyway, our winner, and still champion, is none other than Mr. WISEMON. Because of this story, I took a different approach to reviewing it than normal, so... here's my Review -- totaled scores at the end:

Wisemon "Gump"

I suppose this is a unique take on the typical Wisemon. Referencing beyond the song, he goes to the degree of the movie. Or perhaps he goes further by simply following the lyrics in a way... Instead of judging in my straightforward, I think I'll do a running commentary of this one instead of the section reviews before.

I like the opening. Sitting on the bench... running into Sora, and catching up a bit. The flashback method reminds me of my own Takeru's Future Life, where I interposed two lemon scenes with each other, one past and one present... but at the same time this is different, as the present is waiting for the bus, and not having sex. We see a bit of Wisemon's take on where these two are before Sora begins telling what she's heard...

The fight looks good, but it seems a bit out of contest to the series. Still, this is fine as it's only the event through one point of view. What one remembers another may forget and all that. What happens next is the start of some fun. It's all rather tasteful, not completely unlike some of my more recent writing, and it addresses a problem in Japan of children having sex younger and younger -- not unlike America or Britain, but perhaps happening more quickly there.

The lightness of detail combined with the knowledge of what's happening flows in Wisemon's style to paint a tasteful image that is more erotic than arousing, and more tasteful than pornographic. We see an image from Mimi's mind that she's honorable and controlling, we see her as intelligent in a way the show doesn't ever quite give us, intelligent of things she ought not yet to know.

Then we go back to reality. This is Mimi's image and dream of what happened, and it's what she believes happened then. Admittedly farfetched if not impossible, and they discuss it.

And here we move into the dark territory of self-identification. An author may not intend to over-identify with a main character but still do it, or they may realize they're doing it all along. Whichever is the case here, Wisemon is doing it to what can become a dangerous extent. The 23 year-old virgin may be written as Jyou, but it could as easily be me, or Wisemon.

The man who has never "met" any women could be any upstanding young man, but the first assumption given Wisemon's past work is that it's reflecting himself upon the character. Yes it's said for credibility, but when the author is known to be such a person, it weakens the story...

And now our Gump tells his own version of the story. Now one thing I enjoy when I watch Gump is that this is a plain, simple, down to earth story -- yes it may be a bit farfetched to think of it, but at no point is it laden with detail, nor are the exploits or Mr. Gump given to be fantastical, like some people who would try to have you believe they fought Nazis and the Japanese in WW2.

Will Mr. Kido match up with this? So he begins by letting us know to disregard the fantastic elements of what Mimi had told Sora. Saber Leomon died. That is true. Mimi didn't retaliate, though -- she cried. And Jyou offered consolation and companionship. Simple and down to earth, we even see that Jyou thought over the potential implications.

We see a simple story, with soft metaphors in place of explicit information, and with the same sort of down to earth storytelling that we see in Forest Gump. We see the anger that this girl is not what he thought she was, we see him confront her. We even see that she would never do this normally, and he knows it. She offered him sex, but with my honor, even I couldn't do it. I see the same code of honor in Wisemon, and this is again, a reflection of himself onto Jyou. Perhaps indeed it would have happened, but perhaps, also, Mimi was the one out of character in the offer. Whichever may be true, we have a reliable response from a Wisemon story -- masturbation > uncommitted sex.

And that, we learn, is what happened. There was no fellatio, no cunnilingus, and nothing else between them after the fight. I like how the scene plays out and how Wisemon's understanding is reflected to Jyou, even as much as it hurt my experience. And then we move on to the incident.

Mimi wanted to see Jyou, which is interesting in its own way. Given what we've seen, and that it's considered an incident, we know it can't be good for either party involved. Jyou may have lacked foresight, but everybody needs a healthy amount of paranoia, and it saves him from being used. Wisemon reflects his knowledge of pop music sales into the story, as well as his taste for lesser known punk, grunge, and others of the heavy alternative side of music. I thank you for pointing me towards a new song, Wisemon.

All in all, I enjoyed this story. It was flawed but by far the most unique of the three entries I received. Unfortunately, if the scores can't back that up, he can't be the winner, but I can't see too much trouble in that. This is a top-notch piece of work, and even imperfect, it reminds me of why my generation is both the best and the worst of generations. One 23-year old virgin to another, top-notch Ben.

Scores

Plot: 37 - 92.5%
Characterization: 35 - 87.5%
Semantics: 39 - 97.5%
Lemon: 29 - 72.5%
Overall Writing: 38 - 95%

Total Score: 89% - B+

A pretty good story, especially out of the three we got, and a worthy winner. Recommended reading if you want to see some good writing in place.

[DragonMasterX]

Isn't someone at least going to contratulate Wise?

*ehem* Congratulations on winning and remaining as the Author of the Month, Wisemon. I particulary enjoyed reviewing your story, pretty good material. I hope you keep doing your excellent works, good job!

[Nate Hunter]

If any of you other judges would like your comments posted, feel free to do so. And I was rushed -- normally I cut out the author information from the stories so they can be judged without any author bias. But because I was rushed, I forgot to do that with Crimson Fox and Wisemon's entries. So those who had comments regarding not knowing who wrote "The Break Up", it was DV85, if you want to adjust the coments to reflect that.

EDIT: Also, congratulations, Wisemon. As I said in the review, one 23-year-old virgin to another.

[Crimson Fox]

Congrats Wisemon, it was fun going up against you and DV85. I can't wait to read your story, seems like it will be a good read.

I wished there would have been more competition, but hey can't have everything you want. I look forward to the next contest, I'm definately going to back. Oh yeah, thanks to the judges for all the work you did, I can't wait to read your comments and scores.

--------------------

A few comments about my story "May I Have This Dance":

Just for the record, I suck at writing titles, but that's not really the focus now is it?

Though the plot is just a set-up for the "knight in shining armor" routine, it is executed smoothly and quickly. If there were any hentai Digimon episodes, this would probably feel just like one of those. The plot isn't great, but it's solid enough to work well. And it is a bit different from the usual sex-fests we see, so that's good.

Yup, I was going for Digimon Hentai Episode and I try to stray away from making my stories straight up sex fests, PWPs are not really stories in my eyes.

Davis and Veemon are fairly spot on to their North American dub personalities and dialects, which is good. Renamon is an original characer, not the Renamon from Tamers, which I find to be a positive point (applying Renamon in the Adventure world is a bit of a plus in my book anyway, but that's got little to do with this score) since there's no crossover judgment about how she got there. Also positive, Lord Bakemon has a distinctive personality. Somehow reminds me of Oogie Boogie in the KH games (I haven't seen Nightmare Before Christmas, so I can't judge from that source). Worthy of a good score.

I scored as I thought I would, the lemon and characterization ones were the highest and those were the two things Sonimon always commented on during the old scales he gave. Those are indeed the two things I put the most effort into with every story I write.

Yep, this Renamon was supposed to original, maybe I should've put in an author's note, but I felt you and the judges would be able to figure it out and you all did so there's no problem.

LordBakemon = Oogie Boogie, uh uh I don't know what you're talking about. *whistles while trying to act nonchalant*

Generally quite good, but a few points can detract where wording seems a bit awkward, whether it be a typo or just a wrong word. This particular flaw shows up in this story. Also, as much as I hate to judge semantics on a debatable issue, this also is a point I dislike budging from my own stance on -- mon/womon for Digimon gender are not, to my mind, acceptable, even though to many authors they are.

Yeah, semantics sometimes turns against me even after a proofread. I'm trying to improve as always though. And as a sidenote, with my latest story that I published, I stopped doing the mon/womon thing, but I felt it worked here since I was going for "hentai episode of Digimon".

Of all the times... I curse being biased towards Renamon/Fladramon -- as well s a furry -- right now, as it will probably show in some bias on this score. It is well written and damn if it isn't good for a furry sex scene... Colorful and engaging, this is one of the better lemons I've read in a while. While even I'm losing my taste for writing such explicit stuff, this is almost inspiring to me for a future story I've got vaguely planned. Also, the fact that this was not just fucking, but actually making love is an excellent positive to this story. Too often the thought of making love is just any time people have sex, and though that may be all the slang means, the words speak deeper than that.

Note to author: Orgasmic fluids soak into sheets and become almost invisible under normal light. Yes, even blue sheets. Experience speaking here, since we gotta wank somewhere...

Ah, a fellow Flamedramon/Renamon fan and furry, yep I put a lot of effort into the lemons but try to make it romantic so it doesn't read off as just mere porn. Glad I inspired you a little and thanks for the tip, I probably exaggerated a little with the stained white thing, but whatever.

This is certainly a far better read than DV85's "The Break Up". However, semantic and plot issues weaken the story as a whole slightly, but it's still a good solid read. I strongly recommend it for any furries or Renamon fans here.

Glad you liked the story Nate, though I make mistakes I always try for a good overall story that most can enjoy (most that are into furries and hentai anyways XD ). I'll work to keep improving for your next contest, I'm already excited and eager to write.

--------------------

[Herr Mullen]

I actually told Nate not to publish my first two reveiws, as they were all in note form, and I couldn't be bothered to style them as I was really tired that day.

But here they are anyway.

First, May I Take This Dance. The title doesn't make much sense, does it? Oh, well. "Dwelled" is followed by "In". Proofreading! Mecca is a small city notable for its role in Arabian history (especially during and after the time of the Prophet Mohammad [pbuh]), and is quite out of context. To describe Tokyo as an "elaborate Mecca" is to belittle Mecca's fantastic and beautiful architecture. However, it is a fantastic intro; it poses questions and provides a "Where" immediately. I was drawn in by the style of that very first paragraph. It also makes me feel as if my skill is faded when I find myself feeling concerned for Veemon as early as the first sentence of the second paragraph. What a wonderful play on the readers' sympathies! But, I have issues with ".. makes him unique like any digimon". Nobody says "sigh," either. He could heave a dejected sigh, perhaps, but he doesn't say it. There's a sentence with a question mark rather than a full stop. Nothing a quick few proofreads wouldn't have discovered. Veemon's call on "justice" is an example of fantastic characterisation. Spot on Davis, as well, good work on his dub dialect. The brief and informative description of Davis's room is well written, not boring, and further characterises Davis and Veemon. "Disorganised desk" is a fine alliteration. Time is well established with "I thought the fighting days were over?" I was suspecting a Davis/Veemon pairing until I realised Davis wasn't going. The description of Digivolution proves a challenge to all authors, who either fail to discribe it, or skip over it entirely, however this author rises to the occasion. As soon as we enter the forest, there is a sense of Danger, with a capital. I couldn't really see the Bakemon chanting "blood". Flamedramon's "Here I was worried!" remark seems out of place, giving the reader a sense of unease. Fustrastion and futility is well highlighted. Flamedramon made friends far to fast for anyone, but I suppose his other Digiegg is friendship. The fight is interesting, engaging, and well written. Lordbakemon is fantastic; the way he swears so much puts him at odds with the heroes immediately. Really convincing, but like most Digimon baddies, he's ever so slightly comical. The romantic build up is brilliant; I'm fed up of people jumping into bed with each other as soon as the meet them. "Sleep Renamon, the nightmare is over" should really have a colon. I can't imagine Flamdramon saying "total dork." Long and detailed kiss description. That's some good softcore build up to the real scene. Very romantic. Renamon suddenly becoming uncertain is a great touch of realism. Licking his cheek is a great twist on conventional manners. He says "Armoured Warrior", even though he's just taken his stuff off. He changed tense. Fantastic one liner at the end. Lordbakemon, did I mention, is fantastic. Reminds me ever so slightly of Herr Mullen.

Plot; 8/10
Character; 9/10
Semantics: 9/10
Lemon; 8/10
Writing; 8/10, not enough poetic devices.

The Break Up hurt my eyes. Every sentence is brief to the point of non-descript. There is no narrative voice. There is no reason to suck on his testicles; she'd get some ice, or make him sit down: she would not put his genitals in her mouth. Very out of character. Davis is held up by his collar; he says "I understand". No he wouldn't, he'd be bloody ruffled, and slightly indignant! "Figured" is used out of context. There is no sense of time for the reader. I was under the impression, from the brief non-narrative, that everything happened a few seconds ago, but the characters talk about it like it was a few hours ago. "100%" needed a comma after it. The tense changed. This scenario can't slip anywhere onscreen during The Kaizer Arch. Political analysis isn't the right way to go in social situations, but an attempt at foreshadowing Cody's switch in sides, clearly. Trivialises the Nazis outside a comedic sphere. Where the hell did Sora appear from? "Inside of him": Kari turned into a man during lovemaking. TK must have enjoyed it, though, according to the epilogue.

Plot: 3/10
Character; 2/10
Semantics; 6/10
Lemon; 4/10
Writing; 3/10

And Wisemon's was written in style, so here it is.

The style here is Wisemon; that cynical, musicly heavy satire of popular culture that I do so enjoy. The opening paragraph doesn't ask the obvious questions, though it is a good establishment of Who, Where, Why, and such, but it does ask "What made him change so much?" This is the subtle question that makes you read onward. Jyou's stop to smell the roses is a fantastic touch: he's almost died so many times I daresay he's come to appreciate their natural fragrence. This immediate hint at change is another hook. Sora is inspired. I should give her a nice role more often, really... "Please stop staring at my breasts." That's the pitfall all youthful gentlemen seem to meet. Jyou's decision to forego his glasses mark further changes. I have to give Wisemon huge credit for his character development. The story remains true to life, especially to Jyou's. I think quite a few of us know these character explorations of our youth, and the tragedy of parting friends. I've got to hook up with some people, now, actually; this is a Wisemon Effect. He can make me long for my youth and the people of those times. This bus-station scene is at contrast with his inspiration: we smart guys have it just as bad as the stupid ones, don't we?

The lemon scene I daresay is deliberately sparce on sensation, as it never happened. I still get the impression of Jyou being calm and controled, dispite his third orgasm. This is probably down to Mimi not really knowing Jyou. I want so desperately to give the "Lemon" rating a high score on the basis of the thought that's gone into it, but I can't on the basis that, although deliberatly so, it is poor, and I can't give a high score for being poor, can I? Such a shame.

I cannot express the joy I feel at these characterisations.

Jyou has a huge capasity for compassion, but he also has that social awkwardness that makes him list reasons not to be sad. He seems almost fatherly when he asks if Mimi needs a hug. I'd say I detect a peice of childhood seeping in, but that would be pretentious, so ignore this sentence and I'll pretend I never wrote it. Mimi's huge knowledge of sex (for her age) highlights a problem that Japan has been dealing with in recent years. The children there are having sex younger and younger. They are facing a collapse of traditional Japanese morality. The effects of that problem on the indivdual are displayed here perfectly by Wisemon. I find myself stepping closer to Jyou when I read his doubts. At such a stage of his life, when he has been pushed so far to his future, and he has to make life changing decisions, these doubts will seap in.

I do like the joke about Mailer Deamon. In my early days of email, I had no idea what the thing was.

Mimi's hearlessness toward her fans reflect quite a few things I've heard: I was once told a story about a footballer, who was staying in the same hotel as the one who relayed this to me. She saw a famous footballer, who I can't remember the name of (I don't follow football) and these two children were begging him to give them autographs. He took the paper off the girl gruffly, scribbled as fast as he could, shoved it back into her arms and left hurriedly, leaving the little boy he ignored on the verge of tears. The same feelings I felt at this story of anger and irratation rose again when I read this episode.

Jyou's interjection made me laugh.

There are references dotted all the way through this story. Jyou's mind over matter thing, and the fact that, actually, he didn't have a bad voice, it was just the wordyness of the lyrics he chose in the Princess Karioke episode. I can see Wisemon slip inside Jyou when he says Jyou scored highly at writing. I'm going to be harsh, as I know he'd hate me to be leanient, and say that though he shows relation to the character, he has taken Jyou out of character and put himself in his place.

I love the audience dialogue. The audience as a persona is a fantastic device. There was an extra large space between two paragraphs that made me think, briefly, that Jyou was talking to Sora again.

Jyou's question "...Or was it Taichi?" points out Sora's flaw. She is not just someone to be talked to. She has a persona, and she has some real qualities to her. Without that ending, the entire thang would have suffered for Sora's absence of character.

Plot; 8/10
Character; 9/10
Semantics; 10/10
Lemon; 6/10
writing; 9/10

Congradulations to Wisemon, and also to Crimson Fox who actually wrote something very enjoyable, as well.

[Wisemon]

Thank you all for your congratulations. The story will be submitted soon for the viewing pleasure of non-judges.

For Nate:

Thanks, but you also made a good point about self-insertion here.

Yes it's said for credibility, but when the author is known to be such a person, it weakens the story...

I would argue that if any Season 1 character was likely to become a 23-year-old virgin, it would have to be Jyou.

we have a reliable response from a Wisemon story -- masturbation > uncommitted sex.

A Wisemon story, or the story of my life?


For Herr Mullen:

The style here is Wisemon; that cynical, musicly heavy satire of popular culture that I do so enjoy.

So much for the anonymity of my entry. I could spot one of yours pretty easily too though, and really, isn

[Herr Mullen]

[quote=Wisemon]

The style here is Wisemon; that cynical, musicly heavy satire of popular culture that I do so enjoy.

So much for the anonymity of my entry. I could spot one of yours pretty easily too though, and really, isn