Posts: 3,914
Threads: 60
Joined: Nov 2005
Reputation:
7
Gender:
05-01-2006, 03:56 PM
(This post was last modified: 05-03-2006, 06:14 AM by blueeyedgabulvo0o.)
OK.....i WANTED TO PUT THIS UP but my fear kept telling me otherwise...I wrote this lemon but I know the first thing you might see are clerical errors with spelling. I am hoping you like it and give me some positive feedback.....please.....and be honest....thank you.... here it is.....
Introduction:
The sun slowly guided its sister, the moon to take over the watch as it fell into its deep slumber. From the moon
Posts: 369
Threads: 43
Joined: May 2003
Reputation:
1
Gender:
3 things, and I haven't even read past the third paragrah yet:
-For the love of god, rework the formatting! At first glance, it looks like a script format, but is not. The random "*****mon: " are completely useless. Also, quoted text should be separated from the narrative (note also some grammar corrections):
Quote:"Come on you slow pokes, you can make it," Veemon said sarcastically.
"Just a couple of meters before I...I..." he yelled at the two digimon not far behind him.
Veemon, covered in sweat that made his body glow in a shade of neon blue, was leading the others with a comfortable distance of about 5 meters
-Stick with a tense. You start with past and switch to present.
-For the love of the Digital Gods, make sure your separators won't stretch other people's screen! Even at 1024x800 resolution, this stretches the layout of the forum!
**edit
I'm going to be pretty harsh: The writing is not very good overall, but I'd still say there's a lot of potential. These are the points that stick most to me.
-The random brackets and parentheses should not be that difficult to transform into normal text. They are distracting.
-It should be made clearer from the start that these are not the characters from the series. Until I reached that bit I was all "The Gabumon I know wouldn't be left behind that easily in a race."
-Grammar and spelling could use work "there other friend" -> "their other friend" amongst many others.
-I, for one, am not of the "male digimon have nipples" interpretation. I see no reason for it, but maybe that's just me. Feel free to ignore this comment.
-If they are not the show's character, what does Izzy has to do in there??
-You don't need to refer to them by their names only. Stuff like "the orange/lizard/horned/fur-wearing/dragon/other Digimon" work too.
-Your sentence structure are poorly made, and very often lack commas in proper places:[quote]Agumon seeing that Veemon was enjoying his treatment through Veemon
Posts: 1,300
Threads: 39
Joined: Mar 2006
Reputation:
18
Gender:
I read it before you posted it and I think it's awesome!! So what if there are spelling errors and whatnot...the main thing is that you know what's going on and you're having a good time reading it. I know I had a fun time reading it...that was one awesome lemon and I love it!! Keep it up and keep writing more chapters to that story of yours...I'm looking forward to it!!
Posts: 3,914
Threads: 60
Joined: Nov 2005
Reputation:
7
Gender:
Mind you Cirieus, this my first attempt and first lemon, jeez that was a bit unerving, I knew my flaws and I said it in the beginning. For those of you who don't know me, my labtop only carries Wordpad which unfortunatley has no spell check function. All I wanted to do is after a lot people had given good reviews about it to me personally, I wanted to get this out and viewed by those who read it, and to get over my fear of posting something that can be shot down so easily.....
This is the exact reason that I was afraid to post this here, to get shot down....Thank you for all the critisicms but nothing on content, nothing on poetic language, nothing said about conceptualization of the plot, and you know what, you also said that you didn't know the characters, isn't this a story?....Aren't I the author? I have some ability to create something from nothing even if it bending certain things to where you percieve them as being diffferent..
Wow sorry, you talked about it highly for under 30 seconds maybe ten....Thanks alot..Also if I was to portray the characters that would require me remembering it from watching the episodes and unfortunatley you do not know of my past and I forgot every episode save one....Next time you critique someones work make sure you balance it out more. You write like you have written some of the greatest books in human kind.. If you have ever been published let me read that book if you dont mind....hmmmm? I said to be honest not brutal....and about the whole "formatting thing" its difficult when you have Wordpad and you saying something about resolution, I spent 6 hours tring to fix it, thank you Senjuro for helping me out.....No help from you....
Don't get me wrong but everyone is entitled to their opinion, but this is my first lemon so if you can please be a bit kind....and the whole bracket things, have you ever seen a script before, I thought it would be kind of cool not do the same format, this is a bit different, you feel the characters emoting to the audience as if they were on the stage....Well, I could change it but many people enjoy it in this format, so I am conflicted. I could create a narrative but right now I am am in contemplation...and I need others to come up.....
I hope I brought no offense to you Cireus but I defend what I do with all my heart, this was just rough not final. So thank you for caring to read it and spending your valuable time trying to make it better, everything you had said is noted.....
Thank you and I hope to revise it......
Now to mistysilverwolf, thank you and I know you like it, which means a lot to me....
:P thank you and for all those that are reading this maybe you could help out.....and Granted I have a bunch of incorrect spellings and tense issues and issues in general, if you could think of anything, that could assist in my creation, please post it in this thread....^_^thanks!!!
Reveiwers have a duty to be critical. The important thing is that you take these points on board and rectify them where you can. I'm sure you can learn something about tences and consistancy, at least. Don't expect a reveiwer to cushion the blow, however. It's a writer's duty to make the readers either enjoy his/her work or think about it; this peice's aim is to be enjoyed. Thus, all obsticals to the readers' enjoyment should be removed. Cirieus has listed the things that kept him from enjoying it; now its your job to remove all bars from his path of enjoyment. That is what feedback is.
A quick Google and I've found something to solve your Wordpad problems.
A free word processor. This is to Office what Firefox is to IE; the best alternative around. I'd recommend it, certainly.
Good luck with future projects; Cirieus does say you have potential. Hone your abilities; I veiw each lemon I write as an exercise. Work on a basis of posting, getting feedback, and acting on it and you'll soon be a good author. Have fun.
Posts: 369
Threads: 43
Joined: May 2003
Reputation:
1
Gender:
I want to be clear. I'm being harsh, and I'm the first to admit it. I see a lot, a LOT of good stuff in there. Good description, very nice erotic writing. But there's also some stuff that is not up to par with the rest.
I don't think it'd be a good thing for you, as far as your writing is concerned, to tell you that everything's great and OK. There's room for improvement and I see potential for great stuff from you, so now is not the time to tell you to kick back and relax. Quite the contrary, it's time to work and improve.
Basically,I'm not being harsh just to be harsh; I'm being harsh because I think you can take it and become a great writer. By all mean, if you want to go all nitpicky on my stuff, feel free to do so. If you're interested, I canhelp and do grammar/spelling/punctuation copyediting.
Posts: 863
Threads: 52
Joined: Jan 2006
Reputation:
6
Gender:
Well I like it. It is a diamond in the rough kind of situation but that is why I like it so much! I like it alot and can't say much for the grammar because I stink at that kind of stuff :D
Posts: 11,734
Threads: 106
Joined: Nov 2005
Reputation:
12
Gender:
It seems to have a script format mixed with a narrative format.
[quote]Veemon: Veemon says in disgust
(said sarcastically)
Agumon chimed in with a comment that interrupted Veemon
"Stand tall and shake the heavens!" - Xenogears.
Posts: 2,796
Threads: 100
Joined: Aug 2005
Reputation:
15
Gender:
Heya Gabu...don't overlook that he said this:
circeus Wrote:Beyond all that, though, I still see rather good writing and great potential. I hope you can polish your work better, because it looks like some hot stuff coming around.
In spite of his criticism, he did say that he thought it showed great potential. All it needs is just a little refinement and really, whose writing wouldn't benefit from a bit of retooling? ^_^
I think it shows promise too. As you rebuild your familiarity with the show and how the characters interact, I think your writing will feature a sharp increase in characterization. I feel that mine did between my first a second lemons (the first I hadn't watched a single ep since they were aired, the second one I had seen about 15 or so eps, and by the third I'd seen all of them and most of season 2). Just be patient with yourself. Like anything, it takes a while to refine a style that's truly your own but people also enjoy. Don't lose your zeal; you can do great things.
It takes guts to post up your own work on the web. Lord knows it took me about 4 or 5 tries to hit send in my hotmail to send my first lemon.
Anyway, if you have any further lemon ideas you wanna bounce off someone, you know that I'm here, bro. *snuggle*
Actually, that goes for anyone. Not like I'm saying that I'm a writing guru, but I'll at least give you an honest opinoin.
Posts: 3,914
Threads: 60
Joined: Nov 2005
Reputation:
7
Gender:
Herr Mullen wrote:
Quote:Reveiwers have a duty to be critical. The important thing is that you take these points on board and rectify them where you can. I'm sure you can learn something about tences and consistancy, at least. Don't expect a reveiwer to cushion the blow, however. It's a writer's duty to make the readers either enjoy his/her work or think about it; this peice's aim is to be enjoyed. Thus, all obsticals to the readers' enjoyment should be removed. Cirieus has listed the things that kept him from enjoying it; now its your job to remove all bars from his path of enjoyment. That is what feedback is.
Herr, I understand what you are saying that even the smallest irregularity in the story could make the reader dwell on it instead of the story. Granted, I knew that but I understand why you said why we can't ask them to cushion the blow because its their right to be able to analyze it to the fullest extent of their capabilities. As a reviewer the point is to be critical to maximize the piece to a nirvana, a plane which I know is far away but with a little work and tuning here and there it can be achieved.
Quote:A free word processor. This is to Office what Firefox is to IE; the best alternative around. I'd recommend it, certainly.
Unfortunately Herr, its not downloading properly and it almost corrupted my files. So I am off to look for something else that is free and very easy to manage....
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Now Circeus wrote:
Quote:I want to be clear. I'm being harsh, and I'm the first to admit it. I see a lot, a LOT of good stuff in there. Good description, very nice erotic writing. But there's also some stuff that is not up to par with the rest.
I don't think it'd be a good thing for you, as far as your writing is concerned, to tell you that everything's great and OK. There's room for improvement and I see potential for great stuff from you, so now is not the time to tell you to kick back and relax. Quite the contrary, it's time to work and improve.
Basically,I'm not being harsh just to be harsh; I'm being harsh because I think you can take it and become a great writer....
Ok. First and importantly, the reason why I defended myself so strongly is because I knew all the mistakes that you pointed out before you were going to say them. That wasn't the point, the point was to get my fear of posting stuff I have written on here. Now with that said, I do owe you a bit of an apology. You could blame it on Male PMS if you like but I've been clouded with negativity and I shouldn't have lashed out. I am not sorry at the fact that as any author each criticism is molded into the best approach to attack the writing piece. In the same likeness an author has the right to agree and disagree with a view of the points that you brought to my attension. Yes, I could tell you believe in the tough love policy and you do see something in me potentially. I understand your points and I see your validity...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Rorancrystalwolf wrote:
Quote:Well I like it. It is a diamond in the rough kind of situation but that is why I like it so much! I like it alot and can't say much for the grammar because I stink at that kind of stuff Very Happy
Thanks for the critique, diamond in the rough....That's one of my lines :P...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Shadowknight wrote:
Quote:It's kinda confusing how it seems to have both. The grammar and stuff isn't that noticeable to me but I don't pay much attention to it. Basically just the script format is what confused me. Otherwise a pretty good story, just pick the format that's easier for you.
I enjoyed the format actually because I made it so if anyone is willing to make an animated Digimon cartoon (xxx content) I have a script. Or if you want to have fun with a bunch of friends you could read this.
I see your point but this is why I am conflicted. What I might do is write one in a narrative way and the other repair and do my whole series in that way, one in script and the other in narrative....Still conflicted though ...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Senjuro wrote:
Quote:I think it shows promise too. As you rebuild your familiarity with the show and how the characters interact, I think your writing will feature a sharp increase in characterization. I feel that mine did between my first a second lemons (the first I hadn't watched a single ep since they were aired, the second one I had seen about 15 or so eps, and by the third I'd seen all of them and most of season 2). Just be patient with yourself. Like anything, it takes a while to refine a style that's truly your own but people also enjoy. Don't lose your zeal; you can do great things.
It takes guts to post up your own work on the web. Lord knows it took me about 4 or 5 tries to hit send in my hotmail to send my first lemon.
Anyway, if you have any further lemon ideas you wanna bounce off someone, you know that I'm here, bro. *snuggle*
Actually, that goes for anyone. Not like I'm saying that I'm a writing guru, but I'll at least give you an honest opinoin.
Senjuro......ummm....Let me say this yes I did see that he did say that my work has potential but that is a given, everyone has potential and its up to the individual to make the best of it. I know that you know as well as a few others here know me personally, you understanf why I reacted this way and why it sent me over the edge. In the way you are also telling me that just like in life there will be those people that will find your work unsatisfactory and others think it to be amazing. That is the beauty that is argument and writing. Thanks for your honest opinion.....
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I am looking forward to tackling my lemon as soon as I get a new program better than word pad and I enjoyed each criticism because what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. No one's perfect and I am not, so keep sending me your critiques if you feel like it. Also, if you could help me in my dilemma over which format that would be greatly appreciated. Thanks :!: [/quote]
|
