Year after year, my whole life's a wreck

[Zephyr of Darkness]

Year after year, it's the same.
When it's about to be my birthday (the 13th February, senjuro), I count it as if it was a year that ends, in a way more personal way than New Year.
And every year, it's the same.
The same problems.
No matter how much I struggle, every year I have the same fucking problems.
I was going to graduate this year. I still haven't. I should have done it years ago. I can't help it--I hate my career.
I hoped I would have a boyfriend even if it was a long distance relationship. I forgot to say: a boyfriend that loved me. I thought it was unnecessary, but I didn't know. In any case, I'm alone as usual, I'm still a virgin and haven't even kissed a guy.
Related to the first, I still live on little money. And things are geting more and more expensive around.
The only thing that has changed is that I have a paid work now. But I only work Tuesdays and Thursdays' mornings, and I get paid 9 pesos an hour (3 dollars) As you can imagine, I can't buy that manor I wanted with it. Plus I have a really crazed pace at work. It's fine cuz it's little time and keeps me in shape. But with any more time I'd become crazy.
I always have, too, a person that deludes me a little before my birthday. I've had it for the past 3 years.
In any case, I'm so depressed. It was 5 years ago, right in my birthday, when I tried to kill myself for the second time. I always told myself that things could get better with time...but....
I wonder if 10 years from now on, I'll still be complaining about the same things....

[UnknownH]

At the risk of being yelled at somewhere else I just want to say one thing, I don't think you'll still be complaining about the same stuff 10 years from now.
(And you never told me you tryed to kill yourself twice.)

[senjuro]

I was going to graduate this year. I still haven't. I should have done it years ago. I can't help it--I hate my career.

Sounds like you need to start looking for another line of work. If you hate your job, no matter how much money you make, you're still going to be miserable. I don't know what to tell you to do, but if you feel strongly enough about your career path right now so say you HATE it, then I think it may be time for a change.

I hoped I would have a boyfriend even if it was a long distance relationship. I forgot to say: a boyfriend that loved me. I thought it was unnecessary, but I didn't know. In any case, I'm alone as usual, I'm still a virgin and haven't even kissed a guy.

Those last two things seem like much bigger issues to you than they really are. Frankly, if someone is shallow enough to judge you on your virginity or other experiences, they're not really worth your time to begin with. I think it's commendable that you're waiting for a good person to come along to share yourself with, instead of just having a fling with someone.

Related to the first, I still live on little money. And things are geting more and more expensive around.
The only thing that has changed is that I have a paid work now. But I only work Tuesdays and Thursdays' mornings, and I get paid 9 pesos an hour (3 dollars) As you can imagine, I can't buy that manor I wanted with it. Plus I have a really crazed pace at work. It's fine cuz it's little time and keeps me in shape. But with any more time I'd become crazy.[/qupte]

This is a problem to which almost everyone, regardless of their career, can relate. There are few people in the world who actually LIKE their job, let alone LOVE it. There are always going to be people you can talk to about it, as long as you're willing to listen to their gripes on the same subject.

[qupte]I always have, too, a person that deludes me a little before my birthday. I've had it for the past 3 years.

It's not my place to prod for details, but if that's how it is, do you need to keep this person in your life?

In any case, I'm so depressed. It was 5 years ago, right in my birthday, when I tried to kill myself for the second time. I always told myself that things could get better with time...but....
I wonder if 10 years from now on, I'll still be complaining about the same things....

*big humongous, comforting hug*

Oh Zeph, that's so sad! I'm really sorry you're having such a rough go of it. Please don't try to kill yourself. It's so sad, early on in peoples' lives is when it's the hardest to keep going. Everyone who says that your teens or even 20's are the best years of their lives are only people who are super priviledged and never had to worry about anything.

You'll make it. Just from seeing you say what you say here, I KNOW that you're strong enough to pull through just about anything. Even if no one else does, I have faith in you. I know that's only a little solace, given that I don't even know you, but hopefully it'll be at least a little something to give you a glimmer of hope when you're feeling down.

Take care, okay?

[Humon]

well zephyr, I'm sure there's someone out there who isn't a shallow prick; who knows; the person you least expect may be your best bet. having someone in your life who will feel for you when your sad, and hold you till your calm when your angry (that or be angry with you.) and most of all having someone you TRUST will be a huge keeper. (everyone knows that) it's a rare find, but I believe that you can do it. as for your job, I believe that you can find a better one. there is a job for everyone. (Subway for me. yay fast-food!^_^)

almost any job can be a fun job if you make it fun. it can be the most gruelling slow job in te world, sing random songs here and there, tell jokes, bust a move if you will and soon you'll have everyone laughing (even if it's at you) and soon, they'll be doing it too.

like me. today, I took a hose and soaked my co-worker... he surprised me by chucking a piece of tomato at my face, and a few customer's laughed at me, my manager laughed at me, and before my shift ended, he streaked my back with the hose. I'm friggin cold now, lol

[Wisemon]

As far as the virginity thing and being alone goes, what I decided a while ago was that it was better to wait for the right person than to have flings that didn't go anywhere. There are plenty of people who are alone at your age or my age after going through relationships, but they also have to live with the baggage and the messiness that goes with a breakup that was likely the result of choosing someone before their opinions had matured. Now we have the advantage of knowing what we're looking for, and we're going to choose carefully. I believe that it can be done; you can get it right the first time, so don't feel like you've lost time by not having relationships in the past.

As far as your job goes, if it's what you've been trained to do all these years, just stick with it. As you get more experience in it, you should start to see a decent living in it.

[Zephyr of Darkness]

First, thank you guys for listening and encouraging me.
But believe it or not, it got worse.

Last night I was eating a sandwich. A soft but big one. I had to open my mouth widely and when I bited...owww! I have one tooth in the back fractured, that I got fixed about 9 months ago. I permanently grit my teeth, and ended up fracturing that one. But after I had the fracture fixed, the dentist gave me some mouth thing to use at night so the gritting won't harm me, and said that I could do anything with that side. Still, I tried to use the other side all the time. But this time, when I bited, I felt the fracture reopening. I didn't feel pain or anything, but I could feel it separating. When I looked....there was a double fracture line. I called the dentist and told me that I would probably need some kind of surgery that kills the nerve in the root and that that tooth piece will probably have to be removed (it's about 1/6 of my tooth). Also told me that the weakening of her fixing was probably due to my daytime gritting. Guess when will she do that? The 14th, yeah, when happy couples have their day.
After the call, I told that to my mother and started to cry, slowly at first and then hysterically. My good mother, instead of conforting me, she laughed all the time at me and told me I was an idiot (and then she ponders why I hate her). I tell you, another of my problems is that I receive so little love after my doggy died and left that other hospital (where I had lots of nice people that conforted me too). So far, I only have you and myself. My mother says she loves me so much but she behaves like an enemy.
So....*cringes in a corner* I also have this "nice birthday gift". After all, I also have only my mother to give me a gift. I felt so lonely last birthdays,and this one will be even more lonely, without my dear doggy :cry:

Sigh....

I think it's commendable that you're waiting for a good person to come along to share yourself with, instead of just having a fling with someone.

Whether commendable or not, it's just how I feel. I didn't wait all these years just to have a fling with sb.

It's not my place to prod for details, but if that's how it is, do you need to keep this person in your life?

Easy thing. They were all in the DaD. The first one was my first year here, a person so lowly and despicable I won't even mention his/her name. I mailed him/her the 12th and said 'Tomorrow is my birthday'. That person didn't show up again for months and when s/he did, s/he talked casually to me as if nothing had ever happened. Yeah, never talked to that person again.
Last year it was Unknown. He sent me an awful, horrible mail 5 days before my birthday and I was angry with him for about 3 months. Later I forgave him (I think I should have never done that, but love is blind) but I still resent what he did. Still talking to him but never have any more love interest in him again.
And this year was Gunter, as you know, talking as if he was so devote to me and then saying he was going to ask sb else out. Awfully reminded me of some guy that was supposedly very in love with me and when I got angry with him for sth that HE did, he apologized once and since I was still angry he told me he had found sb else. When I apologized for my manners (cuz I was right) he said he had left that person because he couldn't forget me.

*big humongous, comforting hug*

Oh Zeph, that's so sad! I'm really sorry you're having such a rough go of it. Please don't try to kill yourself. It's so sad, early on in peoples' lives is when it's the hardest to keep going. Everyone who says that your teens or even 20's are the best years of their lives are only people who are super priviledged and never had to worry about anything.

You'll make it. Just from seeing you say what you say here, I KNOW that you're strong enough to pull through just about anything. Even if no one else does, I have faith in you. I know that's only a little solace, given that I don't even know you, but hopefully it'll be at least a little something to give you a glimmer of hope when you're feeling down.

Take care, okay?

*hugs back* Thanks a lot. Seeing that are people out there that care about me like you, it's a big, not little solace.

as for your job, I believe that you can find a better one. there is a job for everyone. (Subway for me. yay fast-food!^_^)

almost any job can be a fun job if you make it fun. it can be the most gruelling slow job in te world, sing random songs here and there, tell jokes, bust a move if you will and soon you'll have everyone laughing (even if it's at you) and soon, they'll be doing it too.

like me. today, I took a hose and soaked my co-worker... he surprised me by chucking a piece of tomato at my face, and a few customer's laughed at me, my manager laughed at me, and before my shift ended, he streaked my back with the hose. I'm friggin cold now, lol

You're a smart guy. Maybe you can tell me how to spice up mine. All my patients are old people (I think the average is about 75 years or so). Some are nice, some are simply demanding to exertion and with zero sense of humor. They ask, ask, ask. I have about 5 patients every half hour, but they still demand that I do massages to them or apply laser or ultrasound (techniques that need a full time presence). So I keep scampering all the time. I work different hours depending on the day (these weeks I've worked from 4 1/2 to 5 1/2 hours). The good thing about this is that in only a week all my cellullite has been erased. It's like doing bodybuilding all the time. I take it as if I'm doing bodybuilding in a gym but being paid instead of paying.

Now we have the advantage of knowing what we're looking for, and we're going to choose carefully. I believe that it can be done; you can get it right the first time, so don't feel like you've lost time by not having relationships in the past.

I'm not so sure about that. Remember that we had a discussion about compatibility, and you said you thought alike people were better together while I said opposites were better? Now I'm not so sure. So far, I've discovered you can't get together a generous and a miserable person. But OTOH, you can't get 2 people with a short temper together either. I thought I knew what I wanted, but now I'm not sure anymore. Besides, even if you know what you want, sometimes you can't see what the other person is. Sometimes you see what you want to see. And when you face reality, it's like you crash against a wall.

As far as your job goes, if it's what you've been trained to do all these years, just stick with it. As you get more experience in it, you should start to see a decent living in it.

As odd as you might see it, I'm being paid like a graduate. DMX can tell you; that's a good salary in Argentina and the timetables are confortable. I work from 9 to (12 to 14) and sometimes get asked to do extra turns during the afternoons (but I'm not gonna anymore). The only way to earn more in my profession is working independently.
*sits back* Ahhhh, I deserve my pain.... I followed this career thinking I could work little and earn a lot so I could do what I really like... *dreamy look* I should have started doing what I really like.....

[Wisemon]

As odd as you might see it, I'm being paid like a graduate. DMX can tell you; that's a good salary in Argentina and the timetables are confortable. I work from 9 to (12 to 14) and sometimes get asked to do extra turns during the afternoons (but I'm not gonna anymore). The only way to earn more in my profession is working independently.
*sits back* Ahhhh, I deserve my pain.... I followed this career thinking I could work little and earn a lot so I could do what I really like... *dreamy look* I should have started doing what I really like.....

In your free time, you could attempt to see what your water color pictures would sell for (the generic non-Beelzemon ones). Maybe you could make a name for yourself. That's what I plan to do with my poetry.

[Zephyr of Darkness]

As odd as you might see it, I'm being paid like a graduate. DMX can tell you; that's a good salary in Argentina and the timetables are confortable. I work from 9 to (12 to 14) and sometimes get asked to do extra turns during the afternoons (but I'm not gonna anymore). The only way to earn more in my profession is working independently.
*sits back* Ahhhh, I deserve my pain.... I followed this career thinking I could work little and earn a lot so I could do what I really like... *dreamy look* I should have started doing what I really like.....

In your free time, you could attempt to see what your water color pictures would sell for (the generic non-Beelzemon ones). Maybe you could make a name for yourself. That's what I plan to do with my poetry.

Indeed, that was my plan from the beginning, but I think I should have dedicated full time to it. But....Argentina is not the US. There ARE some famous and rich Argentine artists, but they've all made their money and fame abroad.
And I'm sure you can make a name for yourself. You have great creativity and live in a favorable place.

[senjuro]

Unless you're in a huge center, it's nigh impossible to make enough money to live on what you really want to be doing without doing other things to supplement it. Unfortunate, but that's kinda the way it is.

[Wisemon]

Unless you're in a huge center, it's nigh impossible to make enough money to live on what you really want to be doing without doing other things to supplement it. Unfortunate, but that's kinda the way it is.

Even in a huge center, you need both talent and luck. That's why I became an engineer and not an English major. You keep the hobby as a hope. Maybe, just maybe, people will like your work enough to make it profitable, but you can't do it full-time. You can be stuck the rest of your life in the job you hate, but you can live on the hope.