As Yet Unnamed

[Anonmon]

Right, I'm going to self-insert as a female, and furthermore one who wants to try "partying" like the other kids do just for the sake of it and has social skills? The rest are excellent points, but please take that one back.

Fine, you're not a shy tenth grade female, but...

I met one of my old friends at the front door of the school in the morning and gasped at the brilliant costume he'd come up with. I'd seen robot costumes before, but he had manage to wire a computer, a running computer, around his body! Of course, the only thing to do was ask if I could check my email.

Shy tenth grade females aren't friends with computer geeks. Oh, how I wish they were, but more than likely, they'll have nothing but female friends. Outgoing girls, on the other hand, will have many male friends, though probably still no computer geeks. Now this is where I saw the trace of self-insertion. In your back-story, maybe they're friends from childhood or something.

This shows me where I went wrong.

1.Yes, they're friends from elementary school, which is before cliques really emerge. As I remember the Machiavellianism is between individuals in elementary school rather than cliques. Also, Benjamin is a script kiddie. This means that he tries to imitate real geeks in order to be cool, but in the end can't. That computer circuitry he put in his costume? He couldn't program it for his life.

2.Lenina isn't supposed to be shy. She's supposed to be outgoing, but restrained by her parents and her (as she said) "indoctrination". That's why she runs straight off to where she thinks the large gathering will be when allowed out alone.

On the subject of self-insertions: you really need to get yourself out of Junpei. I detect a self insertion when Junpei and Izumi become the royal family of the Digital World, even though it seems they don't have much actual power. I also detect it when you trim down a character known for his girth and affection for chocolate and stick him on a pure-healthy diet, though I don't think you actually can get junk food in the Digital World. I also detect it when you take the only girl in the series (who really only became friends with him by the end) and make her his wife.

If you're still thinking there's something wrong with Ben because I gave him a girlfriend (of all things), he and Jane worked together (and it would seem were closer together than the others) during Frontier itself, so I had to. I'll give you a hint: Jane had to learn not to be a vain bitch. That should probably clue you in on who those two are.