As Yet Unnamed

[Wisemon]

I'm sorry, but female first person from a male author just doesn't sound right. You got "Lenina" from Brave New World, right? I also detected elements of The Giver in there. You think maybe those summer reading list books could've been ditched for something your target audience would've appreciated more? Your writing style is definitely very adult in its language, marred only by typos and internal author's notes. The story itself isn't exactly enthralling. You might be relying too much on future flashbacks and contorted chronology. Personally, I prefer linear stories. Some more description of the main character, since you're using an original character, would be helpful. I hope you plan to include the other characters from Frontier, because a story with just original American characters doesn't draw anybody's interest. Did you see Sonimon's article on self-insertions? He made some good points.