My SECOND Piece

[That One Internet Guy]

This was originally posted in original fiction, but nobody but Herr Mullen looks in there....

I'm writing this now because no one is on. The perspective is of an American soldier landing on Omaha Beach during World War II.

"THIRTY SECONDS!" yelled the driver of the assault craft. Thirty seconds until half these men would die.

"All right, remember men, I don't care if I die, and your NCO dies, and your mother and her brother dies, but we have to take that beach!" yelled Mick's commanding officer, Seargeant Baldwin.

"TWENTY SECONDS!" bellowed the driver.

"We're gonna take some casualties today, you and I know it. But you gotta keep moving, even if everyone else is killed. Don't stop," Baldwin yelled.

"TEN SECONDS!" the driver bellowed over the noise. The waves were crashing against the bow of the small assault craft. Machine guns were heard chattering up ahead. One of the assault crafts next to Mick's exploded, showering the men with reddish-brown water and bits of metal.

"Meet up with me at the seawall, we've gotta take that beach!" screamed Baldwin loader, as the noise drowned out all remaining chatter.

"CLEAR ON THE RAMP!" bellowed the driver. The ramp of the assault boat splashed down into the surf, barely missing an anti-ship mine planted earlier by the Krauts.

"GO, GO, GO!" yelled Baldwin, rushing out with the rest of the troops. A German machine gun showered the assault craft with bullets, ripping apart three men and barely missing the driver. The driver hopped out in panic, splashing onto the shore, pistol drawn.

Mick rushed for the small, sandy dune in front of him. Men fell around him like flies, bullets pinging into the sand like a gnat flying past your ear. He dove for the dune, barely missing a blast of bullets that would have taken his head off had he not dove. He unslung his M1 Garand rifle, and popped in a new clip. He was all set.

"MICK!", yelled Baldwin, 20 feet away, crouching behind the remains of a destroyed Assault craft, "MOVE YOUR ASS! THAT 88 IS ZEROING ON YOU!"

Mick's face went white as he saw the massive cannon slowly turning towards him. He bolted towards the seawall, bullets shredding the corpses of men he might have recognized if he stopped to look. He saw the massive stone wall about 20 yards ahead, and thought he could make it. He ran a little faster, giving the last dash his all...

Mick heard a small pop above all the noise, but the next second he heard a massive crash and explosion that made his ears ring. The 88 had missed him by a few feet, and sent him flying. He fell face first into the sand, face bleeding, the ringing in his ears subsiding. He stared at the cannon for a few seconds, before realizing that he was Private First Class Mick Jameson, about to have his ass blown off if he didn't move.

He scramble upwards, forgetting his rifle in the confusion and panic. He drew his sidearm as he ran towards the seawall, and loaded a new clip into it. He hit the stone wall running, never feeling better. He pulled back the barrel and let it go, hearing a new round slide into the chamber with a re-assuring *click*. He was all set. Again.

Mick looked around, expecting to see at least 10 of the men in his 30 man assault boat, but was gravely mistaken. So far, only Sgt. Baldwin and 4 other PFC's had made it. All of them looked horribly shaken. Mick looked down the beach, and saw a man from his boat screaming on the beach, just about 10 yards from his position. Mick knew what he had to do.

Forgetting he wasn't a medic, forgetting he wasn't a hero, Mick dove for the man from the safety of the seawall. He ignored his Seargeant's swears as he landed on the sand next to the man. He looked down to wear the man was pointing, and noticed he had been shot in the leg. It wasn't bleeding badly, but he was fodder for the MG's if he didn't get out of here.

Mick lifted him up over his shoulders as the man slipped into unconsciousness from the shock. Mick lumbered across the beach, the man over his shoulders, feeling nothing. A few bullets danced around his feet. Mick, using his free hand, pointed his pistol at the offending bunker. He emptied the entire clip into the bunker, feeling as though he might scare the gunner into ducking for a moment. As Mick put his pistol down, continuing to lumber across the beach, he was surprised when the German gunner toppled down the seawall, hit in the head with one of the bullets from his pistol.

This snapped Mick back into reality. He ran towards the seawall now, barely making it as another 88 round thundered about 30 feet from him, schrapnel missing by inches. He laid the man down and took out his first aid kit. He had taken out the bandage and painkiller, and was about to look into the man's eyes and say something comforting, when he realized there were no eyes. The man's head had been blown clean off by the machine gunner's spray.

Mick felt a hate grow in him like he had never felt before. Drawing his combat knife, he walked over to the corpse of the German gunner who had taken the man's life. He stabbed the man in the throat. Blood shot out and covered Mick from head to toe. It felt good. Food for his anger. He stabbed again. And again. And again, every stab bringing a little more pleasure.

By this time, Baldwin was at Mick's side, dragging him away. "WHAT. THE. FUCK. DO. YOU. THINK. YOU'RE. DOING?!" screamed Baldwin, slapping Mick in the face. Mick fell out of his trance, his bloodied hands sickening him as he realized what he'd just done. He became sicker when he looked over at the gunner's corpse and realized he was just a boy, no older than 17. Mick threw up, face white, readying himself to storm the bunker.

When Mick got back to the seawall, a total of 21 soldiers had made it from his craft. He felt ashamed when he realized none of them were missing theire rifle.

"Mick, take this," said Baldwin, handing Mick the Thompson SMG of the fallen man. Mick holstered his pistol, stripping clips of ammo off of the man's body.

"We're taking that bunker, right ahead there," said Baldwin, gesturing to a steel door about 20 yards ahead. "No reason to hang around here, let's move!" he said.

Mick and the rest of the men ran up to the steel door. Mick's assault boat driver came up with explosives, setting them on the door and running away. The rest of the team took cover as the explosives went off, sending steel showering into the bunker inside.

"Into the breach!" shouted Baldwin, running into the bunker. The rest of the PFC's followed, running into the dark bunker, hearing the reverberating thumps of artillery fire thundering overhead. Mick dove into the bunker, Thompson at the ready, not knowing if he would come back out...




You know what I just realized? I don't think Mick talked the entire time Laughing

That took me about....20-40 minutes? I don't know, I wasn't keeping track. What do you think?

[Wisemon]

No, I looked at it there, and I still have no comment for it here. I don't read war stories unless they're part of a school assignment, and I'm finished with school.

[That One Internet Guy]

No, I looked at it there, and I still have no comment for it here. I don't read war stories unless they're part of a school assignment, and I'm finished with school.

80% of what I write is war-related.

[Marine]

It's a good story line so far. A difficult P.O.V for most writers to even attempt, but I admire your willingness to try and its not bad at all.

There are a couple things that could use improvements; settings the key one. The setting in your story is good, but needs to be expanded a little to set an atmosphere of Omaha.

The action in some sections is a great touch, very nice indeed. Some action sentences seem a bit too long though, like there's too much explanation for the action.

he was surprised when the German gunner toppled down the seawall, hit in the head with one of the bullets from his pistol.

That certain chunk of sentence didn't really fit into the action. It felt like you were telling us about what happened instead of showing, maybe it's the 'was' verb.

That's all I got for now. Do send a message my way when you create you next craft.

[That One Internet Guy]

It's a good story line so far. A difficult P.O.V for most writers to even attempt, but I admire your willingness to try and its not bad at all.

There are a couple things that could use improvements; settings the key one. The setting in your story is good, but needs to be expanded a little to set an atmosphere of Omaha.

The action in some sections is a great touch, very nice indeed. Some action sentences seem a bit too long though, like there's too much explanation for the action.

he was surprised when the German gunner toppled down the seawall, hit in the head with one of the bullets from his pistol.

That certain chunk of sentence didn't really fit into the action. It felt like you were telling us about what happened instead of showing, maybe it's the 'was' verb.

That's all I got for now. Do send a message my way when you create you next craft.

Strange, I actually though some of the action scenes were too short. I like to do everything frame-by-frame.

[fred_18]

seemed pretty damn good to me, i say keep it up.

[Marine]

Strange, I actually though some of the action scenes were too short. I like to do everything frame-by-frame.

The actions scenes weren't long, but the scentences you used to write it could use some tinkering. For example:

The ramp of the assault boat splashed down into the surf, barely missing an anti-ship mine planted earlier by the Krauts.

planted earlier by the Krauts is unessecary and from my viewpoint, placing backstory in an action scene.

-Some places suffer from what I call the 'Wisemon effect' (or telling instead of showing). Where you place an abstract fact where it could be shown over the course of the craft, thus creating interesting setting or character that your readers can indulge.

For Example:

The waves were crashing against the bow of the small assault craft. Machine guns were heard chattering up ahead.

Even though readers prefer to draw pictures from their own imaginations, its better, when writing setting, to draw with unusual words or strong verbs and nouns to help them draw conclusions. 'Were and was' aren't action verbs, as a matter of fact the just relay blatant facts about the subject.

Another Example:

Forgetting he wasn't a medic, forgetting he wasn't a hero,

-You could expand on that characteristic based on actions. In my opinion, nothing makes a character more real when they act, thus revealing character.

--As I tell all those writers who ask for critique or opinion, it is only that. My opinion. You are welcome to embrace my thoughts or ignore every word.

[mentalguy]

Keep it up :D