Feedback on my lemon?

[renamonfan]

Just wondering if anyone has read the little lemon I submited, and if so what they thought about how it was written. Although there was technically no storyline the character is going to be in future stories I write, it's just a bit of fun really but I'd still like to know what people thought :)

You can get to the lemon here:
http://digiartistsdomain.org/lemons/renamonfan/

[The Reclaimer]

Nice detail, but I think it would propel the actions more if there was a reason she was there, a motive, it just seems to happen for no reason. But you are very strong with the detail, I like that a lot.

[Darkmole]

It was good, it was really good. But I agree with TheReclaimer that there could've been a motive to her masterbation. Also the consistancy with her name changed from Renara to Rena towards the middle (Not that it really bothers most people but I'm just sayin'). But other wise no complaints.

[renamonfan]

thx for the comments! The reason for shortening the name at parts was really to avoid it being repetitive, I've noticed in some lemons that the name gets used way too much and it spoils the effect, but trying to keep away from repeating a characters name in such a concentrated scene is actually pretty hard :D

This lemon is really just an introduction to see if anyone likes the style of writing, I'm working on a storyline with Renara (will maybe finish two or three parts before submitting them), but this one was just a bit of harmless fun :)

[The Reclaimer]

It's also a good idea to feel out the character in some back stories.

[Darkmole]

True

[SaberGatomon]

I have to agree that most of the story rocked, but a motive as to why she was there, would have pushed the story through. Loved the detail though, made you feel as though you were watching! :)




SaberGatomon said it, and I'll say it again!