Things You Will Never Hear on "Digimon"... Version

[Gnostic Metatron Prime]

Hello, and welcome to the 5th incarnation of "Things You Will Never Hear on Digimon", the game where you create new and hilarious dialogue to replace some of the god-awful crap that they've put in the dubs over the years!

Most of you have seen some of the older contests, so you know the rules, but I'll go over them again. Basically, you can write almost anything, except that it must involve at least one character from the show. Also, no spams, flames, or personal attacks on any members are allowed (and I didn't think that I would actually have to mention that rule, but someone actually broke the rule during the last contest). Also, please try to use good spelling and grammar, because comedy is only funny if you take it seriously. Now, here's an example to start things off (an easy, so as not to scare away the kids):

Cherubimon: HAHAHA! My fortress is a secure and evil place, and none shall ever penetrate it!

*That guy from the cell phone commercials suddenly walks in*

Cell Phone Guy: Can you hear me now? Good!

Cherubimon: HEY! Get the fuck out of my fucking fortress, you motherfucker!

Cell Phone Guy: *Slowly turns into a big monster* Fuck you, asshole! We're one of the few companies that still buys advertising on your show, so you're gonna shut up and let me do my thing! CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW?!

Cherubimon: ... Yes.

Cell Phone Guy: *reverts to normal shape* Good!

-

There's the bar. LET THE GAMES BEGIN!

[Wisemon]

I've been waiting a long time for this topic to resurface. Gnostic, I remember the things you had J.P. doing in the last "Things You Will Never Hear On Digimon" topic. I want to know what you have against him. If it's the weight thing, I understand. I saw your picture in the "Reveal Thine True Form" topic, and you're pretty scrawny. If there's something wrong with J.P.'s personality, I'd like to know.
My series of lemons alternates between a lighter side and heavy shit. The lighter side is essentially what one would expect in this topic. So rather than writing new material, I'll just copy and paste some appropriate stuff from my stories. I'll start with the first one, and I'll add more in later posts.

From "The Saga Begins":

[Gnostic Metatron Prime]

I've been waiting a long time for this topic to resurface. Gnostic, I remember the things you had J.P. doing in the last "Things You Will Never Hear On Digimon" topic. I want to know what you have against him. If it's the weight thing, I understand. I saw your picture in the "Reveal Thine True Form" topic, and you're pretty scrawny. If there's something wrong with J.P.'s personality, I'd like to know.
My series of lemons alternates between a lighter side and heavy shit. The lighter side is essentially what one would expect in this topic. So rather than writing new material, I'll just copy and paste some appropriate stuff from my stories. I'll start with the first one, and I'll add more in later posts.

Oh no, you're taking the thing too seriously. The whole point of the "Evil JP versus Dubya" joke was to offend everyone. (Strangely enough, though, over the summer, I went to camp, and one of my roommates was a big psychotic guy who behaved a lot like Evil JP, which just goes to show that truth is much more fucked up than fiction.)

[Wisemon]

Oh no, you're taking the thing too seriously. The whole point of the "Evil JP versus Dubya" joke was to offend everyone. (Strangely enough, though, over the summer, I went to camp, and one of my roommates was a big psychotic guy who behaved a lot like Evil JP, which just goes to show that truth is much more fucked up than fiction.)

Oh, he was supposed to be an evil version? Why didn't you say so? I was probably confused because my J.P. also has a dark blue side. Despite what I said in my last post, there is one part from an actual episode that I think needed amending. I'm not big on script format, but since it's the standard for this topic, I'll give it a shot.

From "Cherubimania", during Takuya's dream sequence:
Takuya is resting by a tree with his head in Zoe's lap. Koji is being chased playfully by Kouichi, J.P., and Tommy.
Takuya(referring to Koji): I'd much rather be doing what I'm doing than what he's doing.
J.P.*suddenly standing in front of Takuya*: Hey, are you sure about that? You might want to reconsider your preferences. Personally, I like breathing, but to each his own.
Takuya*stands up*: Come on buddy, it's just a dream, and she's the only girl. You can't get mad at me for dreaming about her. I'll make you a deal. If you let me fuck her in dreamland, several episodes later, when she tells me that she likes me, I'll tell her that I only like her as a friend. *Takuya extends his right hand for a handshake.*
J.P.*grabs Takuya's wrist with his left hand*: It's a deal.
Takuya: That's my wrist, and you're using the wrong hand.
J.P.: Yeah, I know. *J.P. quickly squats down and takes Takuya up in a fireman carry. Then he pushes up Takuya's legs and slams him on his back. He follows that up with knee drops to Takuya's ribcage. He keeps going until the broken ribs puncture Takuya's lungs.*
Zoe: You killed him in his sleep?
J.P.: He'll be fine when he wakes up, except Cherubimon will still be kicking his ass.
Zoe: Ophanimon should've given us the power to do Unified Evolutions. When Takuya and Koji have to face The Royal Knights, they're going to fuck up every single time.
J.P.: Yeah, but while they're fucking up, we can fool around. Speaking of which, do you want to do some of that now?
Zoe: Yeah, let's do it on Takuya's corpse.

[Gnostic Metatron Prime]

Here's one of my entries from the last contest:

Grandmother: Are you a male or a female?

Renamon: I am both. I'm a hermaphroditic lesbian monster, and every night I sodomize your underage granddaughter, viciously raping her ass solely for my pleasure. And, on top of that, I have a BLACK man's penis. That's right, your granddaughter is being forced into an interracial lesbian relationship with a fox-like beast. BOO!

Grandmother: EEK! *runs away*

Renamon: Was that good enough, Ruki?

Ruki: You rock! Now they won't be so horrified when I tell them that Henry and I are having underage sex...

[Rikaryo2000]

lol thats funny

[Wisemon]

Here's one from the dubbed version of the second season. I think we were all wondering what would've happened.

From "A Very Digi Christmas":

Davis: How about strip poker?
Kari: Alright, girls against boys, best hand wins. To make the sides even, Cody will be on our team.
Ken: This is going to be fun. T.K., cut the cards. *sniffs the air* I said the cards, not the cheese.

An hour later...

Yolie: Come on boys, ditch the underwear.
Kari: You lost fair and square.
Ken*takes off underwear*: I hate losing.
Yolie*examines Ken's package*: That thing is tiny!
Ken: It's late December, and this apartment is poorly heated. There's bound to be shrinkage.
T.K.*takes off underwear*: I have the same problem as Ken...with the same excuse, of course.
Kari*looks at T.K.'s dick and starts laughing*: I'm sorry, but that thing couldn't satisfy a hamster.
Yolie: Davis, it's your turn.
Kari: We'll try not to shatter your ego into too many pieces.
Davis*takes off underwear*: Take your best shot.
Yolie: That's almost seven inches!
Kari: You're excited?
Davis: Well, when I heard you laughing at T.K., it got me up.
Yolie: Can we touch it?
Davis: Uh...okay.

[Rikaryo2000]

very funny

[urban dream]

Here's one from the dubbed version of the second season. I think we were all wondering what would've happened.

From "A Very Digi Christmas":

Davis: How about strip poker?
Kari: Alright, girls against boys, best hand wins. To make the sides even, Cody will be on our team.
Ken: This is going to be fun. T.K., cut the cards. *sniffs the air* I said the cards, not the cheese.

A hour later...

Yolie: Come on boys, ditch the underwear.
Kari: You lost fair and square.
Ken*takes off underwear*: I hate losing.
Yolie*examines Ken's package*: That thing is tiny!
Ken: It's late December, and this apartment is poorly heated. There's bound to be shrinkage.
T.K.*takes off underwear*: I have the same problem as Ken...with the same excuse, of course.
Kari*looks at T.K.'s dick and starts laughing*: I'm sorry, but that thing couldn't satisfy a hamster.
Yolie: Davis, it's your turn.
Kari: We'll try not to shatter your ego into too many pieces.
Davis*takes off underwear*: Take your best shot.
Yolie: That's almost seven inches!
Kari: You're excited?
Davis: Well, when I heard you laughing at T.K., it got me up.
Yolie: Can we touch it?
Davis: Uh...okay

*laughs* *applauds* Nice one!

I wonder if there were ever any lemons written about that episode? I can't recall any, at least not on this site. But then again, it's been over a year since I had a proper look through the archives, so my memory just might be failing me there... I'm just wondering because it's such an obvious subject.

[Red Mage Dragon Tiamat]

lmao, a funny one.

i am really surprised how big Davis' member could be. Never expected that height. ^^ jk