Okay, I've got nothin but stolen jokes, so...
I'm wanted by the police and the FBI now. See, I killed Jhon Ritter, but it was an accident I swear! Basically, what happened was that I got home from work, and turned on the T.V. And then the news anchor told me: "If you've just turned on your TV, Jhon Ritter has died."
Rest in peace, dude.
Okay, here's another one
A boy is playing football outside his house. A girl comes by and asks: "Can I play?"
The boy replies, "No way! Girls can't play football. Only boys can."
The girl walks off again, and returns half an hour later, holding a football. "I asked my mum", she says, beaming, "and she told me girls can play football as well. Then she bought me one." The boy walks off, annoyed.
The next day, the boy is in front of his house again, this time riding a bicycle. The girl comes by again and asks: "Can I ride your bike?" The boy shakes his head. "Girls can't ride bicycles, that's a well known fact. Only boys can. Go away." The girl goes away -- and again, she returns half an hour later, with a bicycle. "I asked my mum, and she bought me a bike", she says happily. The boy, getting pissed off again, jumps off his bike, throws it to the ground and walks back to his house without saying another word.
On the third day, the boy is once again outside, playing with a game boy. The girl comes by again and asks: "Can I play with that?"
"No!!"
"Well, I'll just go ask mummy then. She'll buy me one."
The boy tosses his gameboy away in a fit of anger, and pulls his pants down, exposing his penis. "See that?!" he screams. "Well, guess what! Only boys have those, and not even your mommy can buy you one! Ha!"
The girl thinks for a moment, then walks off silently. The boy resumes playing with his Gameboy, thinking he's one this fight. But ten minutes later, the girl returns.
"What is it now?" he asks impatiently.
The girl just pulls up her shirt, exposing her young, undeveloped breasts and says: "My mommy said, as long as I have a pair of THESE, I can have as many of THOSE that I want."
Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was assaulted.
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A blind man is going out for his morning stroll down the sidewalk on the street. On the way he comes by a fish market. The blind man stops and takes a big whiff, then says, "Morning, Ladies!"
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Real Life Situation Story; Ice Cream and BMXes:
Alright, so I'm there chilling at my long haired friend Dany's house who lives in an offshoot town of my city Val d'Or. A 20 kilometer trek back to Val d'Or, Dany suggested we go smoke knife in the garage before we leave so the trip seems less long.
So we smoke, come back it the house, and Dany wants ice cream.
So-ho we make ourselves some ice cream cones and jet off on our BMXes high as a kite.
2 kilometers later I murmur "Where's my ice cream?"
Dany turned his head to me; "Huh?"
"Dude! I lost my ice cream!"
My hand was all gooey with melted ice cream and even the cone had disappeared.
5 kilometers later...
"Dany, did you put the ice cream away?"
"No... did you?"
"No..."
"..."
"Ha ha ha ha ha ha!"
"Ha ha ha ha ha ha!"
By morning the ice cream had become a milk shake
True Life Story; Beer, Weed and Dog Biscuits:
Dateline; Dany's birthday
A wild and crazy party, most of us were drunk by six oh clock ('Cause Canadian beer is fucking poison for Americans), and by eleven oh clock I went fucking nuts.
Having bravely down my tenth and final beer of the night, 4 glasses of Bailey's Irish cream, the remains of a bottle of cognac and heroicly toked 3 joints; I was feeling pretty good about myself.
So-ho we went to the garage where some of his friends were smoking knife. There was his dog; a dirty oily mutt, and there was a opened box of 2 year old dog treats.
I waved one in front of the dog...
"Eat it! Eat it stupid! Fuckining dog!"
I paused and looked around
"Like this!"
I bit into the biscuit and started eating it
Dry and stale, I had enough and spit it out.
Bleh, it left crumbs that clung to the inside of my mouth that I spent the rest of the night trying to remove
If you don't lke those stories, well, you suck, man.
A seal walks into a club.
What do you call a salt shaker with a steak knife? A Salt with a deadly weapon
Thats all I got lol.
