Join our server on Discord

[AOTM] The August Contest [Updated: FINAL SCORES]
#51
Here is my final scorecard for August 2006:

Final Scoring - August

MISTER BIG T - "I Shall Fuck Your Corpse Tonight"

Plot - 39
Char - 34
Lemn - 51
Qual - 48
Sem. - 59
Final - 237/400 (59.25%)

KNIGHT OF THE NEW MOON - "The Dark Side of Love"

Plot - 47
Char - 51
Lemn - 31
Qual - 36
Sem. - 64
Final - 229/400 (57.25%)

CRIMSON FOX - "Beyond Destiny"

Plot - 65
Char - 65
Lemn - 65
Qual - 58
Sem. - 69
Final - 325/400 (81.25%)

MARINE - "Retired Warriors"

Plot - 42
Char - 48
Lemn - 60
Qual - 50
Sem. - 58
Final - 254/400 (63.50%)

DRAGONMASTER X - "My Friend, My Love..."

Plot - 23
Char - 32
Lemn - 46
Qual - 34
Sem. - 48
Final - 183/400 (45.75%)

HERR MULLEN - "Goggles or Sitting in a Tree or #Digital_World"

Plot - 68
Char - 66
Lemn - 64
Qual - 68
Sem. - 70
Final - 336/400 (84.00%)

NATE HUNTER - "Tenderness"

Plot - 66
Char - 65
Lemn - 68
Qual - 66
Sem. - 71
Final - 336/400 (84.00%)

These scores give us TWO WINNERS: Myself, Nate Hunter, and Herr Mullen with 336 out of a possible 400 points on our combined reviews.

In Third place is Crimson Fox with "Beyond Destiny", which was already a toss-up for inclusion as it is significantly longer than should have been allowed. I was generous in sending it out with some. . . tweaking to get the PDF page count where it needed to be.

In fourth place is Marine's "Retired Warriors", which was half filler/info-dump and otherwise just a bit too bland for my tastes.

In fifth place is Mister Big T's entry. I'd rather not repeat the name yet again, nor would I like to read it again.

In sixth is first-time lemon-author Knight of the New Moon with his clich
Reply
#52
I suppose the two best authors probably won, though it sounds like Marine might have shot himself in the foot. If you feel the need to break the tie, I volunteer to be a tiebreaking judge. I'm equally biased for both Herr Mullen and Nate, so I think I'd be a pretty good judge. If you feel like saying there are two winners, suit yourselves.
[Image: AppealtoReason.jpg]
"I looked up and saw you;
I know that you saw me.
We froze but for a moment
In empathy."-Rise Against
Reply
#53
Congratulations to the winners, heh heh. I'll drop in few words about the individual authors:

Crimson Fox: You have made a very nice story in terms of plots, I enjoyed the long read! Lol.

Knight of the new moon: For a first lemon, it was pretty nice, I liked the rape scene even not too well described. Keep writing.

Marine: I liked your story a lot, it's really arousing! A deep and nice plot along with a cool scene.

MISTER BIG T: An intriguing plot if may I say so. You used nice descriptions!

Herr Mullen: Lol, it was so confusing at first, but when I got the drift, it seemded pretty nice to me!

Nate Hunter: Your story was very good indeed! I liked how you made the descriptions for the Yuri.

As for me... well, guess it wasn't my month, I knew I shouldn't have tried with my first Yaoi story; well, since it sucked THAT bad, then I know I must try harder. Thanks for being honest reviewers!

Again, congratulations you two Nate, Herr; hope you two keep amazing us.
[Image: FearthatPlushy.jpg]
Shadow Dragon Pack (SDP)
The Mod Squad
Reply
#54
I have just had an uncharateristic giggle, and let it all sink in.

I'll leave the decision to Nate as to weather he wants Wisemon to judge, and I'd like to dedicate about a third of this win to Circeus, who proofread for me and made me re-write the entire Digital World sequence to make Yamato drunk.

Now, my comments on everyone else.

I Wrote:First off, Boyond Destiny. Pretty ambiguous title, so there's already a step up on "Shall we Dance?". The rhetoric didn't have a question mark. Very stylish opening, though, very stylish indeed. I do love the cynical attitude toward Arukenimon. It's all a very good insight into BlackWarGreymon's feelings: clear character. Digital World needs capitals. I quite like this Azulonmon: he's not quite so irrelevant as the show, but still terribly knowledgeable and majestic.

References to the series are abound and make the story bloom, with Digitamamon and such.

Aww, he only learnt Friendship a year ago, and now he's coming to terms with love. The points of self conflict are interesting, indeed.

Digitamamon is so well done I'm hoping that the author's given him a really good ending, but I doubt he's even concidered it. He's so very true to the series.

Hurrah! Lillymon's ambition! That's excellent: brings back the old war films to my memory. "From Cruxly Heath to Cowden Beath". All we need now is BlackWarGreymon to be sent off to the ghastly trenches.

Brackets are not required for a thought. Wrong, wrong, wrong!

Pompous Doumon: classic lovestruck villain. Traditionalism reigns in this fiction. Especially in the way that the villain is English. It's always an Englishman. We're not evil, I'd like to point out. We do not go around stealing sweets from children and taking over vast parts of the galaxy (any more).

Aww, romantic. Nice stuff about fireworks and serenades. Nailed the characters.

Lovely, lovely metaphors. I especially like this whole "dark tapestry" business,

We know BlackWarGreymon's been with her a while, so why is he assessing her flat?

The repeated "loincloth" doesn't sound right, but this dream is a good point on tension and foreshadowing. The bowstring is being slowly drawn back, I think.

I'm deducting points on these thoughts, you know.

Very good control spire,: I've given it the voice of that Dark Trailmon, you know. When I can fit voices so easily to characters, it's quite hard to to get a very high character score, indeed.

The issue of what love actually is is slowly seeping into BlackWarGreymon's mind, I can see it. Character and plot advance further.

Repeated "body" just doesn't sound right.

I don't like the use of base profanities in relation to a lady, or to overuse them in relation to a man. I'm aware just what people do whilst reading this sort of thing, but it shouldn't be cheapened further with words like that.

Now would be a good time to make a god-awful joke about size.

I'd like to see a vegetarian writing some of these. "Lengthily celery stick", "Hardened cucumber", "His giant butternut squash", and such.

I don't like it when the author shows us the action, which shows us exactly the same thing as the sentence following the comma, poking us in the eye with the obvious stick.

He'd get there a lot quicker, in actuality. He'd get there around the point he says that she knows how to please him.

He says "loader", but I think he means "louder".

The virgin is too good at this.

Crouches? As far as I'm aware, they're in a children's book, so he must mean "crotches".

We're lead to believe that at least two days have passed, but BlackWarGreymon says that the sex was last night. Needs to be written clearer.

Here comes the melodrama, upperclass villain and all. That'll keep those Victorian peasants in their place. Well, it isn't really a melodrama, I'm just being melodramatic. The villain would, however, make Stanislavsky cringe.

Digitamamon is the coolest guy ever. I wasn't even a big fan in the series, yet here he sounds exactly like him and yet is so much cooler.

Once again with blunt obvious explanation in the narration.

Data absorption is a Tamers concept.

"Don't forget about me!" I don't think we would, considering that she was there the entire time.

Oh, hurrah! The villain wasn't English after all: he was French! That I can agree with. That's bumped up the character score no end.

Plot: 15/20. (Why did Doumon think Lilly loved him? Was there a past?)
Character: 17/20. (Lilly was just a damsel. Doumon, Digitamamamon and Azulonmon were just cool.)
Lemon: 17/20. (Believability.)
Quality: 15/20. (Obvious stick in the eye, rather usual vocabulary.)
Semantics: 18/20. (Just the occasional spelling mistake and those thought brackets.)
Total: 85/100

Ugh. I feel ill: I just opened that "Corpse" one. Now, why is it that he warns me not to go on if I'm disturbed by it, and then enters it in a contest where I have to read it when the entire concept revolts me? I shall be carefully monitoring the level of "I"s in this one, as he did ask how to avoid them.

The tense is very confusing. Is he talking about the future or present? Now it's in the past! I have no idea if I'm coming or going.

Now it switches person.

This is revolting.

I'm so glad he didn't take the time to describe the scene in detail, but it does effect his score.

If he crushes an eye after this whole ankle thing, I am going to be sick.

Okay. So I've read that and I'm calmed myself down, now. I'll score it.

Plot: 13 (It's not inventive for this fetish, but the whole suspect thing was very a good device to use.)
Character: 8 (Very one dimensional deranged villain, as well as victim.)
Lemon: 16 (I daresay a fetishist would actually enjoy it.)
Quality: 11 (No poetic devices.)
Semantics: 13 (Tenses.)
Total: 67/100

My Friend, My Love's title isn't expressed in the standard block centre manner. An original character? I hope that this isn't an insertion of the friend he's writing for. Let's see if it is.

"...Shouldn't use carbon monoxide when we're talking about the environment" is worded rather strangely. No real teacher would talk in such a manner. The religious references in the text aren't very good. "Almost like a devil"? What aspect of a devil might that be? A tendency for squatted leaping and flailing tails? Takato is a young boy: he wouldn't move "almost like a devil". As I recall, his manner of running was a long-strided fist-pumping dash.

If you remember, Takato was a bit of an outcast within his class for being an unfocused daydreamer. His peers wouldn't rush out.

"Takatomon". I hope this means it's toward the beginning of the series. The build up to a new character is great: to first mention him in dialogue is much better than to thrust him in our faces by introducing him in the first sentence, like others I've seen. However, by the time Takato had introduced Guilmon to everyone else, he'd stopped saying "Takatomon," I'm sure.

Not "so few". "So little".

All this plain statement is grating on me. No thought, or conflict, or description. Just a series of chronological events.

This space every two paragraphs is also wearing thin. And they're in the middle of a shopping centre: they wouldn't want to attract attention.

Out pops Mr. Original. Seventeen? How would they have met? And why would Renamon trust him? The perfectness of his friendships makes me instantly dislike this character.

"Long story?" No it bloody isn't! "He gets confused between "centre" and "Sentry"." There, that's all he needed to say.

The Japanese are no where near so touchy-feely. At an informal gathering, there wouldn't be quite so much hugging.

Five hours! They wouldn't talk for so long as that; they'd go and do something.

Takato's mannerisms are done well, but Henry is plainer than a Salt and Shake crisp from a packet someone neglected to put the little salt packet in. So is Mr. Original.

"Bunny Bla-" is the correct way of doing it.

Overstatements galore. "Would live at least." Terriermon's been knocked out so Guilmon can win and take all the glory, begging the question as to why Henry's there in the first place. We had best see something along the lines of some struggle with Henry, and if Mr. Original comes out with healing powers I will eat the hair on my knuckles out of frustration.

"Rrraaggh!" I'm so scared. I am trembling in my slippers. My blood is running colder than a wet bank holiday weekend in Aberdeen. Really, no-one says "Rrraaagh!" outside 1920-40s monster talkies.

"However..." immediately breaks any tension that may have built.

Duh! Excuse me whilst I slap myself: I had no idea Diamond Storm was Renamon's attack. Why would anyone who doesn't know Renamon anyway read a Digimon Tamers fiction?

Early in the series, then, if Rika's anything to judge by.

There are some useless points of description in this fight scene.

Actually, Renamon's not an ice based Digimon.

I grow more frustrated with each passing sentence.

Mr. Original has one-dimensional thoughts, just like his actions, dialogue, and continued existence. He probably only has two emotions: Total contentment, and utter outrage. Someone's going to upset him and he's going to get really angry, and no-one will have seen it before, I'll bet. Several people will, in fact, flinch.

"Personal dinner"! I have just gnawed a small hole in the back of my hand to distract me from just how bad this is.

Classical gay internal struggle. I've read this story before: over and over again. It's the same as every other coming-to-terms slash fiction on Nifty.

The wordings are all wrong.

"Maths". That makes me happy.

Despite Henry and Mr. Original, the characterisations on Takato and Guilmon are rather good.

The sex scene is just like every sex scene I've read with Guilmon. He's utterly clueless and needs teaching, then he's taught and he love it.

"Bliss" is overused: so is "Good" and "incredible".

Overall, the story was cliche and poorly worded in a few places, and only two characters were actually written very well.

Plot: 6/20 (Far too cliche.)
Character: 8/20 (Only Takato and Guilmon were really true to themselves.)
Lemon: 13/20 (Cliche, and repeated descriptions over and over.)
Quality: 7/20 (No poetic devices, strange wordings, non-humourous use of cliches.)
Semantics: 17/20 (Odd wordings.)
Total: 51/100

The domestic approach to Retired Warriors is fantastic. Flamdramon with a newspaper: I'm got him wearing a tartan dressing gown and slippers, a pair of reading glasses and smoking a pipe. But that's just me.

"Her face was the last ting he ever saw before he put his head under the covers... and was blinded for the rest of his life as a snake bit his eyes out." The "ever" shouldn't be there.

Do they run a hotel, or a jewelers? Does Flamdramon own the jewelers, and Aquaveemon run the hotel?

Flamdramon's quite a nationalist, but Aquaveemon's attitude to books only enforces my belief that Flamdramon's an intellectual who must have a pair of reading glasses. His attitude towards women is terribly Higgins-esque.

"Apart" is not one word in this context.

The culture built up in this town is similar to pre-1914 Germany, but with less puritan attitudes to sex. It's very well done, but rather than just mention the cobbles other things could be done to put across the European military feel: long coats weren't uncommon uniform, nor were Kaiser Helms, and a little tweak in dialect might give a more classical feel.

"Soldiers" is repeated too much. Grunts, troopers, there are plenty of other words.

For a commander, he isn't well respected, and for a European near-steampunk setting his soldiers aren't well disciplined.

Porto Angst! What a fantastic name! Of course, now we realise the nature of the army's visit, I can understand the cheekiness of the whole affair, although I think the Commander would have enough charisma not to blush.

Why did no-one applaud? There wasn't anything really awful in there (considering that ladies were flashing a few minutes ago).

I've heard it used in the RPs several times, but "Grey" is such a good name: it's using an "e". It's class, really. Especially good joke with the whole showering thing.

There was an unnecessary "both", but the description of the bathroom places us closer toward the technological culture of the place.

"They're", not "their." The whole culture being built up in this place is ever so good.

There's that noble Captain archetype, right there, being charitable to the prostitutes.

I like the friction here. This coupling is perfectly written. She's a powerful woman in her own right. I'm actually really enjoying the chemistry.

Now this is a very good sex scene. We've got not only feelings, but also atmosphere and motive. The fact that the pair are battling with each other gives it that edge.

That was a great scene. That was fantastic. See below to see just how good I thought that was.

Plot: 18/20 (What a great premise for that scene. Totally original.)
Character: 15/20 (Everyone was well done, but really they needed developing a little more. Especially Grey: I wasn't sure what the relevance of his bath scene was.)
Lemon: 18/20 (A little more description would've been nice.)
Quality: 16/20 (The culture was great, but it needed pushing through the use of dialect, thought and description. A few poetic devices wouldn't have gone a miss.)
Semantics: 19/20 (Only one or two errors I saw.)
Total: 86/100

Now, Tenderness. Immediately, Miyako is given a conflict and characterisation. Good so far.

It's not made clear that we're talking about Hikari. This wasn't the coupling I was expecting: I was thinking either Daisuke or Koushiro. This would also be the first yuri I've reviewed. Hikari and Miyako have switch persona: Miyako's meant to be the blunt one, not Hikari.

That's lovely! Just a cuddle: how many lemons have you seen where the principle couple just have a little cuddle? That's fantastic, that really is.

The build up we're seeing here is just fantastic. It's just sweet. Usually, we just get a snapshot of one morning after to explain the tenderness of the relationship, so the use of a detailed description of the mornings before is brilliant. Anyone who wants to get deep into relationships and love and the like should read this fiction: it's deserving of its title.

I have no idea what a mound is. Please don't tell me, I'd rather leave it a mystery.

Now, this is cruel. This is horrible: it's downright nasty. I was enjoying a nice romance story, and suddenly this bump of blackmail and prostitution crops up. I hope she doesn't go for it, but this is a lemon....

I don't like this whole rumour mill thing. I know that during my school days, no-one really gave a damn at Senior school. And the Japanese are even more academically oriented in their system than the British, so I'd imagine that this sort of stuff would only occur in an American school.

Good choice, girl! I am cheering for you! Stuff it up that bastard, give him what-for! I am cheering at those lines.

Poor dears. But Miyako herself is a lot more blunt and I doubt she'd actually know how to take care of Hikari in a state like that. She's acting less like Miyako and more like Sora's mum.

Miyako? Not masturbate? That made me chuckle.

This is a great author: sensation, dialogue, description. It's all there. The decision she made on the words is just class.

Dear, oh dear! I'd expect Miyako to practice on Takeru. In fact, I wouldn't even expect that. It makes no sense, unless Peach P is an accurate manga.

So far, no grammatical issues. But Miyako? Not ever climaxing? I find it hard to believe. It's a knock on character.

"Which is now at... The End." What class. Definately a strong contender.

Plot: 17/20 (What can I say? I'm a sucker for romance, but I don't believe in that kind of a social system. I also think that revealing the intendity of the blackmailer would have satisfied me a little more at the end.)
Character: 14/20 (Miyako is much more brass, blunt, and boneheaded. And I think she'd masturbate vigorously.)
Lemon: 19/20 (I may not know what a "mound" is, and can exist quite happily without such information, but that was a perfect blend of the elements for a sex scene.)
Quality: 17/20 (Class. Just class. But no metaphor or anything of the like.)
Semantics: 20/20 (Not a single slip up I spotted.)
Total: 87/100

Just started on The Dark Side of Love. It's very plain.

Ugh. It's also twisted.

Twisted and plainly written.

With poor dialogue, to boot.

And a cop out ending.

Plot: 15/20 (It's an okay idea, but poorly expressed.)
Character: 13/20 (Miyako wouldn't wait, and there was too little of everyone to really give us good pictures of them.)
Lemon: 2/20 (Plain and boring.)
Quality: 3/20 (Plain as heck.)
Semantics: 20/20 (Not a single mistake I spotted.)
Total: 53/100

And those are my notes.
Reply
#55
Hey, congrats Herr Mullen and Nate Hunter, I look forward to reading these when they come out. Oh and sorry about the story length issues Nate, prehaps I went a little overboard, I'll try to stay within the maximum next time.

Oh, and just a few things in regards to your comments, Mullen.

Quote:Plot: 15/20. (Why did Doumon think Lilly loved him? Was there a past?)
Character: 17/20. (Lilly was just a damsel. Doumon, Digitamamamon and Azulonmon were just cool.)
Lemon: 17/20. (Believability.)
Quality: 15/20. (Obvious stick in the eye, rather usual vocabulary.)
Semantics: 18/20. (Just the occasional spelling mistake and those thought brackets.)

Plot: It was (or should have been) implied that there was some past between the two, I figured I'd leave it up to the reader, but prehaps I should have slid in a few more details.

Character: Curses, foiled again! I tried to make Lilly not so much of a damsel, but I guess it's hard to break old habits. I'm glad you like the rest of the cast however. I put in a good deal of research and rewatched the old episodes to get a good feel on BlackWarGreymon, Azulongmon, and Digitamamon. Nice to see my efforts weren't wasted here. Oh, and I'm happy to see someone got a laugh out of Doumon and his origins. I do love writing for the villians.

Lemon: This is why I try and stay away from using virgins, and I know it was vulgar in some parts, but considering you still gave it a 17, I'm assuming you still found it acceptable.

Quality: I'll work on not being so repetitive and I'll try to improve my vocabulary, I've been thinking about buying a new thesaurus. At least it seems you found my work to have an adequate amount of poetic devices and such.

Semantics: Well, no one's perfect, but thanks for the insight, I'll refrain from using parathesis in the future for thoughts.

Well, considering you still gave me an 82 total, it seems you enjoyed it so I can walk away with my head held up high.
Renamon's Army
Shadow Dragon Pack (SDP)
Lady Devimon's Minions
Reply
#56
Crimson Fox Wrote:Oh, and I'm happy to see someone got a laugh out of Doumon and his origins. I do love writing for the villians.

Yes, but was he French?

I knew there was a past, however to just have him two-dimentionally derranged passed up on some further development. He has to have his reasons, right?

I thought it was odd that the font sizes were different between Beyond Destiny and the rest.
Reply
#57
Herr Mullen Wrote:
Crimson Fox Wrote:Oh, and I'm happy to see someone got a laugh out of Doumon and his origins. I do love writing for the villians.

Yes, but was he French?

I knew there was a past, however to just have him two-dimentionally derranged passed up on some further development. He has to have his reasons, right?

I thought it was odd that the font sizes were different between Beyond Destiny and the rest.

Well, I trying to go for French, but I guess Doumon came out more English, d'oh.

True, I could've put something in to further improve his character, I'm learning at least.

Hmmm, that's how I've had it formatted for a while but I suppose I can change that.
Renamon's Army
Shadow Dragon Pack (SDP)
Lady Devimon's Minions
Reply
#58
Concerning a tiebreaker, I'd like the other judges to decide whether or not there ought to be one. I don't mind being a co-Author of the Month with Herr Mullen, and we have had a draw at least once before. However, if Two of the other judges want a tiebreaker, I will pass the entries on to Wisemon for a tiebreaker review.

Here are my own scores on the entries:

[quote]Review #1: MISTER BIG T - "I Shall Fuck Your Corpse Tonight"

Plot: 4/20

There is little plot. This is a fetish piece with the entire purpose being the violent acts enacted upon Sora and Hikari. Were there a plot this might almost be something I could stomach, but between my unfortunate empathy for characters in these stories, I nearly became sick in reading it. There's a line between simply being "unique" or "unusual" and being "sickening", and this story crosses it.

Character: 4/20

Takeru/Daisuke/Whoever our narrator is is horribly out of character, assuming he IS someone from the show. None of the Chosen would be likely to find this level of violence sexual, except possibly Ken (or maybe even Miyako), and to go to the point of Murder we can only see one who would go so far during a sexual encounter. And even then he'd probably be wracked by guilt if he did that.

Perhaps for such an extreme SM fetishist, even a snuff fetishist, this person is in character, but such an extreme fetish seems out of place with the established characters in at least the first two seasons of Digimon.

Hikari is. . . A bit flat. Much like Kimberly, the Pink Ranger, in Agony in Pink. I did not like Agony and I do not like this story. Hikari is a cutout chosen for violent fantasies to be acted upon, and lacks proper personality in this fetish-piece.

Lemon: 8/20

The actual lemon content, regardless of what Big T, claims, is not in the mutilation of Hikari, but in the rape of Sora. This is poorly written, as with the Narrator being our focal viewpoint he should be remembering the scene as he watches it, possibly with some relish and embellishment on how he felt as he did it. I won't grade the torture as a lemon scene, and what sex is present in the SEX SCENES is weak and dry. For the sake of the appropriate fetishist, however, this is presumably well written and erotic.

Quality: 17/20

The writing seems good -- quite vague, but the first-person anonymous requires such behaviour. I'd say that I can't really award a 20 in quality to this largely because as a non-native speaker a lot of descriptions take a bit of time to grasp properly. My biggest gripe is that the narrator switches between the present and past while telling us this tale, which is a flaw some authors use to support a style; introducing places or persons in the present, but telling the story in the past can be a stylistic tool.

Semantics: 17/20

Another strong point here, which is good considering Big T claims English as his third language. This is undobtedly what led to several of the spelling and wording inaccuracies which detracted from this score. The posterior of another person is not "but", but rather is the "butt", while a scream is "muffled" rather than "ruffled". Some wording is also a bit awkward, so while accurate or understandable, it is a bit off from my semantic view and understanding of the language.

Comments:
Guro, contrary to Big T's claim, is not simply a subgenre of gore. Here's what Wikipedia says about EroGuro, often shortened to simply Guro.

[quote=Wikipedia] EroGuro is a concept or movement or sub-genre, still somewhat loosely defined, that has emerged inside multiple schools of Japanese art and music. The word EroGuro or Ero Guro Nansensu is gairaigo derived from the English phrase "erotic grotesque nonsense", and is sometimes shortened to simply guro (though this shortening is usually used to describe pornography).
. . .

The typifying element of EroGuro visual art is the macabre intermingled with sexual overtones. Often the erotic element, even when not explicit, is merged with grotesque themes and features - rather similar to the works of H. R. Giger. Some visual artists who produce work classifiable as EroGuro intend for it to be a deconstruction of Otaku sexuality or a critique of Japanese consumer culture. Others produce EroGuro as a genre of Japanese pornography and hentai involving blood, gore, disfiguration, mutilation, urine, enemas, or feces. The line between art and pornography in EroGuro is potentially blurrier than anywhere else in the art world today.[/quote]

Due to this, and the fact that the story is a fetish piece, I'm, afraid that it is unfortunately disqualified for its lack of a proper sex scene. This may qualify as Guro, however it is also Snuff and Vore, which are not things I can personally condone. Though this story may prove sexual to some, just as Agony in Pink, it is no more a lemon than Agony. Actually, I would chance to say it is LESS of one.

Final Score: 50/100

-----

Review #2 - Knight of the New Moon - "The Dark Side of Love"

Plot: 10/20
I suppose I can see a semblance of plot in this story, although it almost seems contrived to lead us directly to the place this authors wants us in. The awakening of the Dark Seed over something so trivial, the return of the Kaizer, and the raping of Miyako. Nothing really new here, except the person writing it. There's a plot, but it's been done and it's been done better. ((Note: Even I've written Ken going dark over a fight with Miyako about sex))

Character: 11/20
Miyako seems fairly in character, but something about her crying over any boy seems out of place to me. She might get distraught, but I don't think, even with someone she loved, she would let tears of anger flow.

Ken going dark is one of the oldest plot devices in Zero Two fanfic, and it's not even pulled off especially well here. He gets angry, the Dark Seed tempts him, and he gives in. Is it really that strong after so long dormant? And to so quickly move to rape as his tool of revenge? Even I didn't drive him quite that far. Just close.

Lemon: 5/20
For a rape scene, this isn't bad or good. It's just sort of. . . "Meh." The sen, even for a rape, is too short. We should at least have more of a feel for what Miyako is thinking as this happens, but the author shows little empathy for his viewpoint character, which is crucial for a rape whether your viewpoint is the rapist or the victim.

Quality: 8/20
Emotional connection is faint if present at all, the use of artistic tools such as metaphor are dropped in favor of more analytical tools such as character analysis and thought. A bit sub-par as a story, though not so bad for a lemon, and the often redundant elements detract from enjoyment by using a redundant wording.

Semantics: 10/20
A lot of redundant words show up here. If Miyako has just come from America to Japan, it's clear she needed to talk to Hikari not just voice to voice, but in person. If she just needed to talk, she could have called. Also a large number of commas seem to be missing where they should start or end a parenthetical bit of dialogue ("Soon, my love, you will feel the pain. . ."). There are also a few words which I feel could have been done better with a close, but different, word. Mistaken punctuation as well, with question marks where there probably should be periods (or commas, when dialogue breaks to narrative). Also, sometimes he uses the wrong word out of a set of homonyms.

Comments:

I know you've told me you don't plan to write lemons that often, but this is still a bit of a travesty for any writer, Knight. As a writer you often fail to use artistic tools in favor of analytical ones, and you rarely use enough time to build an empathy for the viewpoint character from the reader. I never could quite put my finger on it before today. Part of that may be that you don't allow yourself empathy for a fear that it may cloud the story, but a story with emotional detachment is just words on paper (or a computer screen) and not a real story.

Final Score: 44/100

-----

Review #3 - Crimson Fix - "Beyond Destiny"

NOTE: Crimson Fox's "Beyond Destiny" is disqualified from winning due to it's length, which is well in excess of the 25 page restriction I placed upon the contest. However I am still sharing the scores, as they should help him understand a number of point s in which he can improve.

Plot: 12/20
The plot is executed in a particularly dull fashion, when it could have been done much better. Ultimately, the plot is simply BWG's struggle to adapt himself to living a normal life in spite of his past, and with his darkness brought into the physical, he FIGHTS it. Interesting, I recently played a game that ends with the hero fighting his dark ambitions and potential. . . You can't win against yourself by fighting.

Character: 10/20
Characterizations seem odd. You see people staring at BWG because he is a viral Digimon, however there are only four attributes for normal Digimon -- Data, Vaccine, Virus and Unknown. There is no reason for one digimon to fear another simply because they're a virus or because they're powerful, unless he's emanating an invisible aura of malevolence, which is no different from a human. The overall characterization of the Digimon "society" seems too human in my mind for the Adventure world. Lillymon doesn't have lingerie under her clothes -- they're a part of her form, if not her body -- nor would Digimon need a contraceptive of any sort. Assuming the do reproduce sexually, they don't rear their children in the human fashion.

BWG seems too. . . quickly changed. He doesn't have the sense of humour to joke with Digitamamon, nor has he the personality to become embarrassed by a mere compliment to his looks. Lillymon, while admittedly not the one we know from the show, is very dull and flat, with little genuine personality as far as I can read. Digitamamon is the same lovable egg as he was in the dub, right down to his tendency for egg jokes. Doumon makes me think of Miroku.

Chaos WarGreymon is what Dark WarGreymon used to be and what he fears becoming -- a mindless destroyer.

Lemon: 15/20
Though technically good, this is lacking in the important areas of grabbing, and holding, attention. This story has no need for this scene, making it gratuitous, and you fall into one of your worst mistakes during the scene -- breaking your artistic prose with vulgar terms like "pussy", "cock", "twat" and "dick."

One point I find most illustrative of my noticings is that this scene is clearly written by a man. Lillymon is not only still alert, but wants more sex at the end of being eaten out and having an orgasm, but in the end we find "both drained of nearly all their energy." A masculine trait written by a man who may not be familiar with the female mind and the rezactiosn of sex on feminine physiology. I won't claim to know them firsthand, but I do research and study, and even with multiple orgasms -- women aren't simply "done" in the way men are after they orgasm.

Quality: 8/20
The story opens with a paragraph that says, "It was dark. So dark you couldn't see anything, not that there was anything to see." Already you are wasting space Crimson Fox, by giving us too much information. You do not improve over the first page, or any other part of the story, for that matter. Whereas Knight used too few words to allow us to build empathy, you use so many that all it shows is a lack of confidence in your words carrying their message alone.

The artistic value of this piece is as if DaVinci had finely detailed every wrinkle and crevice upon the face of the Mona Lisa: accurate and complete to be sure, but artistically dull and lacking in vibrance and vigor. You overdescribe the characters, when it's rare for more than two to be present at once, and you use too many adjectives and adverbs as you write. They are a spice which enhances your story, but they should never be mistaken for the meat and potatoes of your story.

I am not alone in having previously said this, but concise writing is vigorous writing, and the use of needless words is naught but waste. You waste words by needlessly describing things we already know--the reader is expected to know, as a piece of fanfiction--who Black WarGreymon is and what he looks like, who Digitamamon and Lilymon are and how they look. As a Digimon from the cards but not the anime, Doumon deserves a description, however most of these characters do not.

Semantics: 12/20
You have many points where while you chose a fitting word, there may have been more appropriate choices. I'll not further dwell on that general behaviour, however it's always wise to read your words aloud if you have any doubts as to how they will be perceived by a reader. You are also missing some various small words throughout the story.

Also, to "complement" is to complete or bring to perfection, the word you wanted in the restaurant scene was "compliment". "Cum" is cum, regardless the gender providing the ejaculate in question.

Moving on to the next point, while your wording is generally accurate, it is not particularly consistent. You use three colors for BWG's eyes (yellow, amber, gold), you use an impersonal term for a part of his personal body ("mitts" referring to his hands), and you use vulgar language in otherwise artistic prose. This last inconsistency is akin to sewing a new piece of cloth onto a pair of broken-in jeans, while the middle inconsistency makes him feel detached from himself. The foremost simply confuses the reader as to what color the eyes actually are -- my choice of wording would be a relatively consistent "yellow" or "sulfuric", excepting scenes in which the lighting might cast a reddish hue into them, where "amber" would be more appropriate.

Final Notes:
You seem to enjoy vivid descriptions, and while there is certainly a time and place for them, most writing is best conducted with a sober outlook on the attention span of your reader. If your stories or chapters are too long you are liable to lose their already fickle interest, while long drawn out paragraphs lead to horrible interaction. Readers like to feel that they're keeping up with something, but you instead make the reader feel as if something is being held back for them.

You also seem to show an aversion to the simplicity of personal pronouns in most cases -- "he" and "she", along with their related words, are no sin to artistic writing. The sin is to constantly use roundabout pronouns such as "the virus" or "the mega" or "the fairy" to refer to your characters, when we, knowing who they are, need only know whether this is HE or SHE. If you do not wish to use pronouns, use the full nouns instead, rather than desperate workarounds.

In the restaurant, and being the son of a restaurant worker as well as a restaurant worker myself, I comment with knowledge of it, waiters and waitresses ALWAYS have work to do, and even if they don't, they're not supposed to bother the clientele by going over to a table and just chatting with the customers.

Final Score: 46/100
Note: This story is artistically viable, but not ideal. Worth reading for sure, if you can maintain your interest in it.

-----

Review #4 - Marine - Retired Warriors

Plot: 6/20
The plot as I see it is a little disjointed -- Grey and Fem come to live with Flamedramon and Aquaveemon, Grey wants a child but Fem does not. The flashback seems almost pointless, as it doesn't seem to impact the story, only to further show that Grey wants a child and would be a good father.

Character: 12/20
Socially this feels like a fantasy story that just happens to choose Digimon as the characters, when it could have chosen any races or species. Much as Crimson fox over-anthropomorphized his Digimon Society, so too did you, Marine. Not only that, but you put the Digimon in the position of being AMERICAN: "Females your age should be going to school, going out on dates, and enjoying your youth, not selling your body for money!" Digimon, so far as we know, do not typically go to school for learning, and would be through by the time they reached a form with visible breasts. Likewise, Digimon are not reared by their parents most of the time -- they hatch with all the knowledge they need to live.

On the specific characters, however, you did reasonably well. Grey is a man who is married to a mate who has no desire to mate, and enjoys only the carnal aspect of the act. Grey wishes, however, to be a father, which conflicts him with his mate. Aquaveemon, though she is an Aquarivamon, maintains her personality while we see her: playful, innocent and blunt about her feelings.

Lemon: 15/20
Technically flawless, in my mind, however the shortness leaves much to be desired. So too do certain insensible acts occuring during the intercourse.

Quality: 15/20
Repeated typos, awkward sounding phrases, and the general lack of a plot all detract from the excellent quality of the story as a whole. Smoothing the plot out would be my primary quality improvement point here, as would adding more weight to the flashback, or stripping it out.

Semantics: 12/20
A few comments here. "apart of" would be the same as saying "apart from", while I believe you meant "a part of" when referring to the Dragon Knights. In other places, wording seems to flow awkwardly. "Sit, the grass is quite comfy" does not flow smoothly, where the smoother word, though longer, would be comfortable. The seemingly proper speech of Flamedramon here does not allow for such niceties in an otherwise proper and perhaps even formal sounding phrase. In turn he uses impersonal and overly formal terms in more intimate conversation -- "you silly female" would read far more naturally as "you silly girl." Also, you occassionally are prone to redundant words -- "strong muscular" in reference to a body shape is redundant -- if it's visibly strong, it will tend to be muscular. I would avoid the "strong" in the passage describing the two WarGreymon, however, and leave the more definite term "muscular."

Also of note is the confusion, especially common, of "there", "they're" and "their" -- "their" means that is belongs to them, "their ball," for example, while "they're" is a contraction of "they are." You regularly use the possessive rather than the contraction, a significant typo that I recommend going through and correcting before publishing the story. In addition, the possessive of singular words, including "crowd", is formed with 's -- not a mere "s", not s' at the end, and not "es", excepting certain words. You use some fancy words, but fancy words don't make the story better -- is the town really "luxurious"? And using a synonym, that he looks forward to luxurious days is a luxurious town, is redundant.

"There was little comfort in bathing, which he needed both quite desperately" is a confusing sentence. I had to read it three times to make proper sense of it, so if I may suggest an alternate wording: "He needed both comfort and a bath desperately, but in spite of the warm waters he was able to find no comfort." It is longer, yes, but clear in meaning in a way the original lacks. "All" and "just", in the sense you've used it, do not need to go together in one sentence -- choose "all" or "just" and use that. Alternatively, turn "just" into an adjective such as "simply". Perhaps, "All he wanted to do was to think simply and without interruption."

Final Notes:
Though you often deal with war and soldiers, I'd say that this story is simply too personality centered. One could argue that I made the same flaw in "Tenderness" by only leaving reference to the Digimon and the Digital World in memories, but part of the idea there was that this was two humans, whereas you are ostensibly dealing with Digimon, who appear to be Digimon in shape only. Your Digital World is too human to feel like the Digital World, the problems and situations faced simply too human to feel as if you're actually dealing with Digimon. I'm not saying that a Digimon fic needs to take into account Digimon battles and such, but simply that it should take into account the behaviour of Digimon as we are familiar with them.

Final Score: 57/100
Note: This is a story worth reading, but not specifically as a Digimon lemon.

-----

Review #5 - DragonMasterX - "My Friend, My Love..."

Plot: 1/20
The plot isn't especially creative -- I don't feel emotional connection, and where is our plot? From what I see it comes down to a pure lead-in -- we don't get a proper introduction to Mou or his past, let alone why it is he finds this attraction to Guilmon. We see no proper source of conflict, just a typical Digimon battle with the typical conflicts between Rika and the boys. The slight conflict we start to see about Mou's sexuality ends up not mattering as he's clearly gay for Guilmon.

Character: 5/20
Two dimensional, dub-esque, and horrible are what comes to mind in this one. Takato and Henry are 13 according to the dub, but actually 10 according ot the original series. Why then are they friends with a 17 year-old? He's SEVEN years older than them, Takato hasn't had Guilmon for more than a week or two if Henry still isn't letting Terriermon fight, so he can't even have known Guilmon for "a while".

Mou is a classic Gary Stu -- he's loved and trusted by Takato, Henry, and all three Digimon. He's known them for "quite some time", in spite of the fact that Guilmon can't be more than two weeks old, and that's with generosity on the time-table. He's able to quell the personality conflict between Takato and Rika with one sentence, and even make Rika change her mind about keeping Renamon in battle!

Now on to some more particulars... The japanese culture is not touchy-feely, and they don't even generally shake hands in greeting, let alone HUG or grab their friends by the shoulders to say "Hi". Renamon is a mammalian Beast Digimon of the Nature Guardians, she is not Ice-based in any way, shape or form. She is a nature-based Digimon.

Lemon: 13/20
Here we go on the lemon. It's slow and deliberate, but also spontaneous in its own way. The tipping point of the whole scene is when Mou's identity as a Gary Stu becomes irrefutable: "Okay Mou! I always trust you!" Only a Stu could be so trusted by Guilmon as to exceed the level of trust the dinosaur has for Takato. Although the sex is well written, it suffers from porn syndrome -- the virgin is good even if not to the typical pro level. And how does Mou end up? He does the thing every first time blow-job giver does -- he drinks all the cum down. Just like in every lemon. Handjob, blow-job, rimming Guilmon, taking Guilmon's huge thing into his hole? Sorry, but it strains believability to squeeze all of that into a virginal encounter -- or at least one that wasn't planned.

Quality: 9/20
When is this set? Before the Devas? Sorry, but NOBODY knew about Guilmon before the Devas except the Tamers, and Hypnos. You use a Gary Stu as the lemon character, and whether this is a request fic or not, this seriously detracts from the quality of both the story AND the lemon, and thus the overall quality. In all, the overall predictability and typicality of the story detract from the overall quality, particularly as several important facts of sex are ignored as they often are in lemons.

Semantics: 8/20
You use overly formal wording in speech, you use some words that aren't even proper words in the context they're used, and you use two quote marks where only one is necessary, if even that much. Overall your wordings are awkward right from the beginning, whether too formal or just missing words. You also show a lot of bad wordings that a simple proofreader could catch -- two people don't greet themselves, but "each other"

Final Score: 36/100
Unless you requested this fic, or you really like "Gary Stu" yaoi lemons, I do not recommend this fic for reading. The lemon, however well written it may be, is clich
Reply
#59
Nate Hunter Wrote:Due to this, and the fact that the story is a fetish piece, I'm, afraid that it is unfortunately disqualified for its lack of a proper sex scene.

Uhh what? There was masturbation and there was rape, penetration and ejaculation and such. Didn't you originally say

Nate Hunter Wrote:Free for All - As it implies, anything goes. No restrictions on straight/homosexual, digimon, human, etc. Whatever you want to write you can enter.

Quote:Now, why is it that he warns me not to go on if I'm disturbed by it, and then enters it in a contest where I have to read it when the entire concept revolts me?

That warning was mostly there for the average readers and such. And plus, I just wanted an excuse to talk about lesbians dressed as sows.

Quote:If he crushes an eye after this whole ankle thing, I am going to be sick.

I originally thought of making eye ball torture that would have ended with consumnation of the said eye in front of her face. But then I remembered I had already done stuff like that (In "Davis dies the hardway", for anyone caring) and people would just wonder if I've got some hatred towards eyeballs.



Oh well, too bad it didn't shock as much as I had originally hoped when I started writing the story. I'm happy that I didn't get exactly 0 score either, so I suppose not all went wrong. Nice reviews, still and I'm looking forward to the next month contest. :)
[Image: Seethsig.jpg]

[Image: promo.jpg]

Lord Patamon Wrote:King of sadism alright, that's a perfect title for you
Reply
#60
MISTER BIG T Wrote:
Herr Mullen Wrote:Now, why is it that he warns me not to go on if I'm disturbed by it, and then enters it in a contest where I have to read it when the entire concept revolts me?

That warning was mostly there for the average readers and such. And plus, I just wanted an excuse to talk about lesbians dressed as sows.

You're cruel to me.

In other news, Sitting In A Tree has been submitted to the site with a comemerative disclaimer. Once that's up, then I can release my first draft and the disclaimer I used for the judges and the unused, never-before seen disclaimer I was intending to release it with. That's a lot of readingf material.
Reply