05-28-2010, 02:24 AM
I've given you my review already, and I'll warn you again here to stop multithreading this story. All future threads of this chapter WILL be deleted without warning.
If you want me to elaborate further, the characters in the story are very painfully one-dimensional. It first starts off with them in awe about how high they are. Then to top it off, they stack some more drugs on it.
Here's a little hint. Don't use slang when narrating unless it's from the perspective of one of the characters. It's proper narrative etiquette.
After they inject themselves with another surge of drugs, they immediately switch their minds to find tail mode. Again, it feels absurdly stilted and robotic.
The sex scene is also very dismal, as it only describes their actions with bland short sentences. When you write a sex scene, you should illustrate sensations and more precise details on what they are doing.
3/10
Please work on moving the plot along in a more smooth flow.
If you want me to elaborate further, the characters in the story are very painfully one-dimensional. It first starts off with them in awe about how high they are. Then to top it off, they stack some more drugs on it.
Here's a little hint. Don't use slang when narrating unless it's from the perspective of one of the characters. It's proper narrative etiquette.
After they inject themselves with another surge of drugs, they immediately switch their minds to find tail mode. Again, it feels absurdly stilted and robotic.
The sex scene is also very dismal, as it only describes their actions with bland short sentences. When you write a sex scene, you should illustrate sensations and more precise details on what they are doing.
3/10
Please work on moving the plot along in a more smooth flow.
![[Image: WalkingEye-1.jpg]](http://i236.photobucket.com/albums/ff85/Dark_Suzaku/WalkingEye-1.jpg)
No super-villain can resist the temptation of a Walking Eye.
