Keiro Starr (DRaM) and Lost's "Brollaboration" Project

[[MEN] Keiro Starr]

Right off the bat I'll admit that I'm not a hundred percent sure where you want this series to go. Are you trying to give your own unique spin on the original story, or are you just going to stick with sex? If just sex, skip the next two paragraphs. Actually, you might as well skip all of them. I'm sure they won't be that interesting. There might be naked pictures of myself, but I doubt it.

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I can understand this is a LEMON SERIES but the big problem I have with alternate reality fan-fiction is that the author almost always falls into what I would call a fan-fiction trap, and that is that their new characters are there less to drive the story in a unique way, but more just to screw everybody's mom, if you understand what I saying.

Now, I have no problem with sex in stories, but what I find is that I don't enjoy it as much if it seems implausible. I understand demanding "realism" in a story about fictional characters traveling to a fictional place, doing fictional battle with fictional creatures is a little silly, but a great writer could take anything and, with some thought, make it plausible. Or, if not, at least make it minor enough for readers to let it slide.

Alright, I'll stop whining long enough to actually talk about the story. I apologize in advance for most likely jumping the gun and bitching and whining about things that may be fixed or answered later on.

I have to say the beginning surprised me. I really appreciate the first part where you explain that the new character isn't Japanese and doesn't know the language very well. In fact, the character of Lost actually acts like a regular person would in the same situation, which would be quiet and reserved. The character of DJ, however, confuses me. Does Matt (Yamato) exist in this reality? How old are these characters supposed to be? If they're half brothers, logically they couldn't be close to the same age, DJ would have to be younger. It's kind of a nitpick, but for some reason it bothered me.

The conversation while eating dinner also really threw me. "Do you have a girlfriend?" "No." "Yeah, we butt-fucked two chicks while they made out." "*Spitting pizza across the room* Wow. Just.. wow." Now that I think about, I guess I would try to find a reason to tell people that too. I don't really have any other problems with the first part, so I'll stop talking about it.

Getting in to the second.. sex.. part.. thing now. I can accept the sexual fantasies in her dream, that's cool. I can also accept that she is so horny that she would screw her own sons, that's fine. But for some reason, I couldn't really gloss over the fact that she was willing to screw some random kid she had never met before. That was kind of confusing. Starting to wish I lived in Japan, though.

I'm starting to bore myself, and I can't imagine how either of you are going to want to read through my bile, so I'll just give some quick thoughts on DJ's first post and stop typing.

I would advise against tipping your hand a little too early. Slowly revealing things like the villains, love interests, and sub-plots would be really interesting. Speaking of the love interest thing, I can't imagine how you could have a love interest when you're basically participating in intercourse leapfrog, jumping from vagina to vagina. Or anus, I'm not prejudiced.

Okay, I wrote too much. I don't expect either of you to read my silly little nitpicks, and I would say "Go fuck yourself, you loudmouth prick" is a perfectly acceptable response. I don't really expect it to come to across as anything other than a jumbled mess anyway.

Go fuck yourself, you loudmouth prick.

:P
lol j/k

That was some good criticism btw. Let me clarify that this story is NOT part of the main project. This is merely a test to see if we can co-exist in writing. Me and Lost are going to kick off the real brollab very soon, so right now you shouldn't worry about characters much. When we delve into the real McCoy, we'll delve into the unknown pasts of DJ and Lost, and you can also count on some cameos from characters in "The OCA" during the "World Tour", plus we'll clear up any shit you don't get in the rewrite.

Thanks for the criticism, Asesino, we really appreciate it. And we hope others could give us your opinion as well.