12-19-2006, 06:45 AM
Hm... I'll give this a brief look-over.
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Little Errors
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- There's a tiny mistake on the spelling of the word 'answered' on paragraph 3 in your story, where Yosama says about the character designs going slow and her still making them.
- Did you purposefully make a mistake with Aoko saying Shephen-kun instead of Stephen-kun? It sounds odd... rofl.
- There's a few key errors like the capitalization of: 'I'm', 'I'... lawl.
- "I'll been doing' doesn't sound punctually right for Stephen to say, to be honest. 'I've been doing' sounds a lot more better, unless you intended him to say it like that. ^-^
- Heh, I see many people don't put the dashes in-between Yu-Gi-Oh, either XD
- Little tiny mistake on the line " '-Be the truth.' Yoko Oran simply stated- ", onf should be one I guess, and you might also want to add 'the' just before police.
- 'I knocked out by her father' - shouldn't there be a 'was' in front of the knocked?
- 'Held on one the handles' - I think 'of' could go in-between one and the.
- 'Nodeded'... Lawl, I think you meant nodded there.
-'Subjust' I think that should be 'Subject'.
- "Go over my house' Well, up to you on this one, but you could fit a 'to' inbetween over and my.
- Again, answered was spelt a little wrong when Stephen was mentioning the Fullmetal Alchemist game.
- Thre should be the, I guess.
- Don't know about this, but home (I think) should be house.
- "You know how my mom gets as well as change my clothes"... Not sure of what to say here, but it does sound odd.
- Yosama was spelt wrongly after that line as well.
- Who is her is Stephen's next line? It could be Aoko or Yasama there, and it could confuse the reader.
- 'The gang out of the train'? That doesn't make sense.
- Evily is spelt Evilly ;P
- Parther... it's Partner XP
- Int should be into
- Tunk should be trunk
- THROUGH! Through, I say!
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All in all, it could use some work before becoming a quite good piece XP.
-----------------------------------
Little Errors
-----------------------------------
- There's a tiny mistake on the spelling of the word 'answered' on paragraph 3 in your story, where Yosama says about the character designs going slow and her still making them.
- Did you purposefully make a mistake with Aoko saying Shephen-kun instead of Stephen-kun? It sounds odd... rofl.
- There's a few key errors like the capitalization of: 'I'm', 'I'... lawl.
- "I'll been doing' doesn't sound punctually right for Stephen to say, to be honest. 'I've been doing' sounds a lot more better, unless you intended him to say it like that. ^-^
- Heh, I see many people don't put the dashes in-between Yu-Gi-Oh, either XD
- Little tiny mistake on the line " '-Be the truth.' Yoko Oran simply stated- ", onf should be one I guess, and you might also want to add 'the' just before police.
- 'I knocked out by her father' - shouldn't there be a 'was' in front of the knocked?
- 'Held on one the handles' - I think 'of' could go in-between one and the.
- 'Nodeded'... Lawl, I think you meant nodded there.
-'Subjust' I think that should be 'Subject'.
- "Go over my house' Well, up to you on this one, but you could fit a 'to' inbetween over and my.
- Again, answered was spelt a little wrong when Stephen was mentioning the Fullmetal Alchemist game.
- Thre should be the, I guess.
- Don't know about this, but home (I think) should be house.
- "You know how my mom gets as well as change my clothes"... Not sure of what to say here, but it does sound odd.
- Yosama was spelt wrongly after that line as well.
- Who is her is Stephen's next line? It could be Aoko or Yasama there, and it could confuse the reader.
- 'The gang out of the train'? That doesn't make sense.
- Evily is spelt Evilly ;P
- Parther... it's Partner XP
- Int should be into
- Tunk should be trunk
- THROUGH! Through, I say!
-------------------------------------------
All in all, it could use some work before becoming a quite good piece XP.
