07-25-2006, 11:29 AM
Thanks for the input. I'll revise it soon and post the revision as well.
That is the revised opening paragraph. I tried to keep my style more active in this version, and adjusted the wording of a few points. I've been told before that I tend to move between voices... present to past, active to passive, omniscient and not... and I rarely realize when I'm doing this. It may simply be a quirk of my style, but I'd like to know it's a relatively harmless quirk and not just a frequent mistake before I begin to rely upon it.
Quote:Seven feet tall, he stalked through the deep forest of Ashenvale. It had now been a week since the battle of Mount Hyjal. His body was still oozing and burning energy, struggling to regenerate his near fatal wounds. He worked tirelessly as he hunted for sustenance, desperate to keep his body functioning. His food source had been scarce -- the sickly rabbits and insects he had grubbed up early on provided little sustenance or nourishment -- as he came down the mountain. Still, now he was sure that food should become plentiful, if he could catch it.
That is the revised opening paragraph. I tried to keep my style more active in this version, and adjusted the wording of a few points. I've been told before that I tend to move between voices... present to past, active to passive, omniscient and not... and I rarely realize when I'm doing this. It may simply be a quirk of my style, but I'd like to know it's a relatively harmless quirk and not just a frequent mistake before I begin to rely upon it.