07-22-2006, 10:18 AM
Oh, this one has a title. And it isn't that bad, either.
So, we start with suicide. No. No, no, no. This Gabumon is an original character. Anyone reading this expecting to be reading about Matt's Gabumon would be saying "What the hell?" and would be sorely put out by the idea of their favoate Digimon slicing himself into ribbons. No, you start with something happy. A party, or a celebration. Then you slowly unmask the true feelings, lifting slowly, revealing little by little the horrible grimace of pain on his face. Foreshadowing, contradictory metaphors: little hints that things are slightly off. Then you talk about the emotion. You isolate the character, and show them at their weakest. He's a link to the best attempted suicide fiction I've read. Admittedly, I steer away from that kind of thing, but this author can play on you. At the start, nothing seems too off, but gradualy it gets darker. I think you'd enjoy it: I know I quite heavily sympathised with the characters. But, back to your story. Due to the lack of build up, we really can't symaphise at all. When Gabumon was moaning "No one likes me... I'm so useless..." some dark part of me was thinking "Oh, shut up you wingey lttle git."
There's this thing with scenes again. That's not how it's done, I've covered that. I shan't go over it again.
You skip entire months. There could be all sorts of episodes to build up sympathy with the characters during that time, but no. Skip it all over in a single sentence.
File Island and a hospital? Are they in the real world, or the Digital one? The reader doesn't know.
Once again, plain and flat speaking. It only reflects the characters. I could thread them into a typewriter with no troubles.
These people are so fast you could slap some wheels on them and call them a Ferrari, then have Jermey Clarkson talk at length about steering and hoursepower.
You say things during this sex scene, but to make them effective, you have to say why. "Gabumon was enjoying this." Why? What makes him feel so good? Again, sensation.
"Exveemon, on the other hand, did exactly the same as Guilmon, making "On the other hand" completely redundent."
So, what was all that suicide stuff at the begining about? It didn't bare any relivence to the end. There was nothing to justify it. Was it a fable? Is the moral "The path to happyness is casual sex"? If I want a guy later, shall I just go kick him in the balls and drag him to the nearest public convienence? Think about what's socially possible: would you be able to kick a fellow in the crotch and sleep with him two minutes later? Does lending someone your towel make the automaticly your "on the side"?
Your second lemon was best, I think. My advice, other than following all the adice I've already thrown at you, is read more, and read more often.
So, we start with suicide. No. No, no, no. This Gabumon is an original character. Anyone reading this expecting to be reading about Matt's Gabumon would be saying "What the hell?" and would be sorely put out by the idea of their favoate Digimon slicing himself into ribbons. No, you start with something happy. A party, or a celebration. Then you slowly unmask the true feelings, lifting slowly, revealing little by little the horrible grimace of pain on his face. Foreshadowing, contradictory metaphors: little hints that things are slightly off. Then you talk about the emotion. You isolate the character, and show them at their weakest. He's a link to the best attempted suicide fiction I've read. Admittedly, I steer away from that kind of thing, but this author can play on you. At the start, nothing seems too off, but gradualy it gets darker. I think you'd enjoy it: I know I quite heavily sympathised with the characters. But, back to your story. Due to the lack of build up, we really can't symaphise at all. When Gabumon was moaning "No one likes me... I'm so useless..." some dark part of me was thinking "Oh, shut up you wingey lttle git."
There's this thing with scenes again. That's not how it's done, I've covered that. I shan't go over it again.
You skip entire months. There could be all sorts of episodes to build up sympathy with the characters during that time, but no. Skip it all over in a single sentence.
File Island and a hospital? Are they in the real world, or the Digital one? The reader doesn't know.
Once again, plain and flat speaking. It only reflects the characters. I could thread them into a typewriter with no troubles.
These people are so fast you could slap some wheels on them and call them a Ferrari, then have Jermey Clarkson talk at length about steering and hoursepower.
You say things during this sex scene, but to make them effective, you have to say why. "Gabumon was enjoying this." Why? What makes him feel so good? Again, sensation.
"Exveemon, on the other hand, did exactly the same as Guilmon, making "On the other hand" completely redundent."
So, what was all that suicide stuff at the begining about? It didn't bare any relivence to the end. There was nothing to justify it. Was it a fable? Is the moral "The path to happyness is casual sex"? If I want a guy later, shall I just go kick him in the balls and drag him to the nearest public convienence? Think about what's socially possible: would you be able to kick a fellow in the crotch and sleep with him two minutes later? Does lending someone your towel make the automaticly your "on the side"?
Your second lemon was best, I think. My advice, other than following all the adice I've already thrown at you, is read more, and read more often.