OKay... Diving in.

[circeus]

this is giving me allsorts of warm fuzzies. Thanks a lot for that.

There is a great deal of reactive discription: Iori gasps, he moans, he does all that, but there isn't much about how Iori is feeling. Given the heavy empaisis of his thoughts at the begining, I think that the story could further improve by discribing the sensations that character feels. You can still see into their though processes, but thoughts and feelings are very different, especially when writing things of this nature.

That is quite a pertinent comment. I'll try to take it into account with the rest of the series.

and only one slip up, grammar and spelling wise, but we all miss things proofreading, don't we?

Yeah I know. It's probably the first thing that jumped at me when I re-read it after it was uploaded.